"May your lovingkindnesses also come to me , O Lord, Your salvation according to your word;
So I will have an answer for him who reproaches me, for I trust in Your word. " verses 41 and 42
I have been "sitting" and "walking" in interesting places recently with God. Places I don't understand.
So much of it ties back to my worth and sexuality. Things I thought I had a good grasp on, that I understood their place.
Recently I felt God tell me that I would never be married, or at least it would be a way longer single season than I would like. This stirred up all kinds of ugly- which shows it had a purpose. There's no way God wants all these lies to hang on to my heart, especially if I desire to help expel them from other women and girls.
The lies came up: I'm not worth anything to anyone, I don't matter to people, and that I can just be used, like a whore.
psalm 119 has been awesome and timely [ I'm doing a study on it, called Sweeter Than Chocolate, by Gillespie.], and is teaching me that his Word will keep me from shame, and I must trust it.
Trust and Shame. So inextricably tied to all that I am about to type.
I am afraid of my sexuality, and what I am capable of, with it. Last night, staring into the "Christmas" tree, I found the fear. I gave my body so readily to Jennifer over 7 yrs ago, and a few yrs ago, as I laid on the bed of a guy I was dating, and then later on my couch, I was so willing for him to do whatever he wanted with me. Thankfully he didn't. I didn't love either of them.
As I sit in this place of not having marriage in my future [as far as I can see], I think it doesn't matter what I do with my body, and that how guys perceive me is unimportant.
Yet I am still afraid to let them close. If some man decides he is attracted to me, even if I am not towards him, over time I will cave. Over time [ if I stay in this mindset], I will allow him to do whatever he wants. I am afraid of even making new friends with men, and letting them close. what if they are not safe? What if I cannot read them? What happens when my guard is down?
When my guard is down, I date people that I am not interested in. When my guard is down, I allow people to use me however they want. I have great boundaries when I am an iron vault.
So this tension exists. The tension of realizing love must flow through me to others [and in a way, to myself] if I am truly to be of God, while living in a broken world where love is imperfect and misinterpreted.
The tension of knowing love is desperately needed of me, and that risk of giving it, will most likely result in personal pain.
The tension of allowing my longing for intimacy and being safe for others to get close to, without expecting or exacting any certain amount of love from them.
[all of that tension talk might not be "spectrum perfect," but that's as clear as my mind and heart can make it.]
Coming back to the verses at the beginning:
My lies are apparent. They are the ones that reproach me. God's lovingkindnesses must be accepted. I have to cling to them!
Verse 73 says," Your hands made me and fashioned me; give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments."
He knows exactly the best way that I can and will learn things. I can trust him, and I must risk with him to know that there is no shame in his presence by the Blood of Jesus Christ. Risk learning new ways. It baffles me that with all the vulnerability I have accomplished in the past, that my heart shut down again.
He is good, but not safe [to paraphrase C.S. Lewis]- how interesting that he is still the most safe chest to lean into. The safest wings to be sheltered under. The safest fire, and the safest storm.
