i dont want romania to be just another thing on my list of to-dos for the summer. its squeezed in between kids club, and weddings, and parties, and supporting my cousin in her stock car racing, and other things. my mind is so full.
on a personal note, ive blatantly disobeyed Gods word, and this is the first time i dont feel distanced from him- and guys, it was violent- and the first time i have no idea how to be different.
how do we get to those moments of broken posture? i seem to just stumble into them. id like to go there purposefully sometime. im wanting to go there purposefully this time.
28 February 2011
21 February 2011
ive been pessimistic lately. [duh. right? sorry. and thank you for everyone that has been near]
weird epiphany, that ive always known but never given clarity to - i can have tons of joy, hope, and celebration for everyone else but me .
that needs to change.
next thought-
today was good!! i made a conscience decision to be glad about my life and my day and the people around me, and focus on them. and i had some really great convos w people at work, and one REALLY encouraged me. shes semi new and i found out today shes a pretty strong believer- from what she said. unless shes just spiritualizing her break up w her fiancee. which could be the case. but i think not.
last night i read some bible ::go me!:: and stumbled over this psalm i know ive read before. KNOW> because its right before 119. and dear Jesus, you know when youve gotten to that one. and you feel horrible for skipping over it cuz its boring, and then you think there must be some hidden amazingness, otherwise why is it here? and you read it. [ive done that w leviticus and numbers and such, too. ]
psalm 118. it would sound familiar to you. its known for the first and some of the middle.
im going to put out here the things that jumped out and grabbed me by the heart
in my anguish i cried to the Lord, he answered by setting me free! what can man do to me?he is with me and my helper- i will triumph over my enemies.
it is better to take refuge in the Lord than ot trust in man. it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.
i am surrounded, but in his name i will cut them off. i am surrounded, but i will cut them off by the name of the Lord. i am swarmingly surrounded, but in the name of the Lord i will cut them off. i was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me . he is my strength and my song.
the Lords hand has done mighty things! [X3]
the Lord has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death. i will live and not die, and proclaim joy and victory.
his love endures.
the repetition really poured into me.
my enemies of doubt and shame and filth and just all the freakin lies are not enough to kill me- and i have a warrior on my side! the warrior from which all warriors are formed.
id rather sometimes he fight for me in different ways. but he knows all of me and still chooses me because he is beautiful in his decisions.
weird epiphany, that ive always known but never given clarity to - i can have tons of joy, hope, and celebration for everyone else but me .
that needs to change.
next thought-
today was good!! i made a conscience decision to be glad about my life and my day and the people around me, and focus on them. and i had some really great convos w people at work, and one REALLY encouraged me. shes semi new and i found out today shes a pretty strong believer- from what she said. unless shes just spiritualizing her break up w her fiancee. which could be the case. but i think not.
last night i read some bible ::go me!:: and stumbled over this psalm i know ive read before. KNOW> because its right before 119. and dear Jesus, you know when youve gotten to that one. and you feel horrible for skipping over it cuz its boring, and then you think there must be some hidden amazingness, otherwise why is it here? and you read it. [ive done that w leviticus and numbers and such, too. ]
psalm 118. it would sound familiar to you. its known for the first and some of the middle.
im going to put out here the things that jumped out and grabbed me by the heart
in my anguish i cried to the Lord, he answered by setting me free! what can man do to me?he is with me and my helper- i will triumph over my enemies.
it is better to take refuge in the Lord than ot trust in man. it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.
i am surrounded, but in his name i will cut them off. i am surrounded, but i will cut them off by the name of the Lord. i am swarmingly surrounded, but in the name of the Lord i will cut them off. i was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me . he is my strength and my song.
the Lords hand has done mighty things! [X3]
the Lord has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death. i will live and not die, and proclaim joy and victory.
his love endures.
the repetition really poured into me.
my enemies of doubt and shame and filth and just all the freakin lies are not enough to kill me- and i have a warrior on my side! the warrior from which all warriors are formed.
id rather sometimes he fight for me in different ways. but he knows all of me and still chooses me because he is beautiful in his decisions.
13 February 2011
its barely 8
and i feel so drained. in a good-ish way, though. had a really nice resting time in cc, got my nose re pierced, saw gnomeo and juliet w my sis, and got to bake in the sun a bit at the beach w my bro. my parents were having their anniversary weekend in port a. oh! and i also got some great chatting time in w grandma. to be able to slow down and spend time w family. to not have any major agendas. very needed.
there are constant battles going on. i know yall know. i've just been hit with that over and over again. reading wild at heart helped; God was showing up randomly too, reminding me and filling me. there have definitely been battles going on in my heart.
the other night i was painting and feeling really horrid. super horrid. and when i paint in that state, everythings black, blue, purple, brown...you get it. and theres no actual picture. just shapes and stuff. but it feels better after. so i cleaned up my brushes afterward- and glanced over at the living room floor where the canvas still lay.
a shock of fear hit me. what before looked like nothing but randomness to me had turned into my heart, producing a black flower and a dragon reaching out and snarling at it. it sounds way cooler than it looks, and if you happened to look at it, it prolly wouldnt jump out at you like that. well. maybe now that i told you.
anyway. it was scarey and i put it on the porch. its still there. i dunno what im going to do with it- yes i do. i'll paint over it eventually.
the lies that have been bombarding me and still do are a torment and a battle and i know theyre unreal. im so thankful i'm starting to see the blatant fighting for my heart that God has been a part of in the last weeks and days. its clear. it was hard. and i didnt help much. i couldnt. or i felt like i couldnt. its still going to be hard. God reminded me i need to fight and speak for others. whats that going to look like ? me being intense.
me being more of who i used to be, before i started listening to people tell me i was too much. that i needed to tone it down. and probably i did then. i can remember definite moments when ive been intense and not loved the people involved.
i think a good word for me to replace "intense" with is "intentional" - thats more what i mean.
i wonder if this week i find out if i go to romania. actually, id better find out!
so weird- to feel completely drained and somehow ok. somehow GOOD. to know rest is going to come at a good price, albeit slightly unknown price.
there are constant battles going on. i know yall know. i've just been hit with that over and over again. reading wild at heart helped; God was showing up randomly too, reminding me and filling me. there have definitely been battles going on in my heart.
the other night i was painting and feeling really horrid. super horrid. and when i paint in that state, everythings black, blue, purple, brown...you get it. and theres no actual picture. just shapes and stuff. but it feels better after. so i cleaned up my brushes afterward- and glanced over at the living room floor where the canvas still lay.
a shock of fear hit me. what before looked like nothing but randomness to me had turned into my heart, producing a black flower and a dragon reaching out and snarling at it. it sounds way cooler than it looks, and if you happened to look at it, it prolly wouldnt jump out at you like that. well. maybe now that i told you.
anyway. it was scarey and i put it on the porch. its still there. i dunno what im going to do with it- yes i do. i'll paint over it eventually.
the lies that have been bombarding me and still do are a torment and a battle and i know theyre unreal. im so thankful i'm starting to see the blatant fighting for my heart that God has been a part of in the last weeks and days. its clear. it was hard. and i didnt help much. i couldnt. or i felt like i couldnt. its still going to be hard. God reminded me i need to fight and speak for others. whats that going to look like ? me being intense.
me being more of who i used to be, before i started listening to people tell me i was too much. that i needed to tone it down. and probably i did then. i can remember definite moments when ive been intense and not loved the people involved.
i think a good word for me to replace "intense" with is "intentional" - thats more what i mean.
i wonder if this week i find out if i go to romania. actually, id better find out!
so weird- to feel completely drained and somehow ok. somehow GOOD. to know rest is going to come at a good price, albeit slightly unknown price.
06 February 2011
i go silent when i feel like/when i know im disappointing someone. i didnt know i was so effected by my failure, or projected failure.
the words just dont come easily.
ive been overeating. i told some friends last night, and one of them actually told me it was ok, after i said i wanted to eat more the other day, and did, even when my stomach was literally hurting.
i felt very alone. and they watched me eat a burger, a hot dog, good [bad] amount of chips, and a pint of ice cream. i stopped myself from picking up the last hot dog.
today i am mindful about food. i still dont feel like i completely know the reason. but i do know i need to stop.
i do know i woke up very sad today. didnt include people at church, didnt make a huge effort to talk to people. some were uncomfortable w this.
listened to the song by third day today at church- dont you know ive always loved you? ...etc.
cried, loved that it felt like God was singing to me. later, reading t's blog right now, she has jj hellers' love me for me on there. listened and cried again. this time realizing its not enough for me right now. i hate that. told God its nnot enough- his love, if its all i need, why doesnt it satisfy me? why am i still completely and gut -wrenchingly discontent, and wanting a mans arms wrapped around me?
its a hard place to sit. i know my desires are good. i feel like they somehow "get loose" and run around crazy destroying good around me.
the words just dont come easily.
ive been overeating. i told some friends last night, and one of them actually told me it was ok, after i said i wanted to eat more the other day, and did, even when my stomach was literally hurting.
i felt very alone. and they watched me eat a burger, a hot dog, good [bad] amount of chips, and a pint of ice cream. i stopped myself from picking up the last hot dog.
today i am mindful about food. i still dont feel like i completely know the reason. but i do know i need to stop.
i do know i woke up very sad today. didnt include people at church, didnt make a huge effort to talk to people. some were uncomfortable w this.
listened to the song by third day today at church- dont you know ive always loved you? ...etc.
cried, loved that it felt like God was singing to me. later, reading t's blog right now, she has jj hellers' love me for me on there. listened and cried again. this time realizing its not enough for me right now. i hate that. told God its nnot enough- his love, if its all i need, why doesnt it satisfy me? why am i still completely and gut -wrenchingly discontent, and wanting a mans arms wrapped around me?
its a hard place to sit. i know my desires are good. i feel like they somehow "get loose" and run around crazy destroying good around me.
04 February 2011
solitude
another friday of solitude. didnt talk to any friends verbally, and the people i did talk w was short and over text. when you dont talk for most of a day, it makes it harder when you do. i had difficulty talking to the starbucks ladies. like, getting my point across.
i woke up very sad - i think melancholy is a great word. lets use that. it fits better. woke up to the kids playing in the ice. i was happy for them, but it made me want to stay in bed longer. not helping was the weird- ass dream i had that i cant remember now.
::been having completely technicolor and involved dreams for the past week and a half now. im kinda tired::
i was wondering at my lethargic poutiness. some of it had to do w the fact that i knew i wasnt really going anwhere today and that i was going to be in solitary confinement! the other part was that i wanted to go play w the kids but knew that would be WAY weird for them. some of the kids i can talk to and kinda hang out w easily outside of club, others are awkward and dont know what to do w me.
solitude is restful. and i ended up getting things done, and still had hours of free time that i filled w a movie and walking. its so much better than what i usually do- speed up and go crazy, get everything done"faster"--found out today probably not much faster-- and then use the rest of my day to wind down, but not really get to sit in rest.
taking things more slowly makes me more apt to be disciplined. [::woot.
no, no, though. really. its good. i do like it. esp since i was hit in the brain w the fact that im older and shouldnt have a problem w this.
im really liking the discipline of getting the kidsclub lesson done now. the lessons are easier to do, and the one for tomorrow is fear vs. faith. hah! God likes to teach me at the same time, just sayin.
i woke up very sad - i think melancholy is a great word. lets use that. it fits better. woke up to the kids playing in the ice. i was happy for them, but it made me want to stay in bed longer. not helping was the weird- ass dream i had that i cant remember now.
::been having completely technicolor and involved dreams for the past week and a half now. im kinda tired::
i was wondering at my lethargic poutiness. some of it had to do w the fact that i knew i wasnt really going anwhere today and that i was going to be in solitary confinement! the other part was that i wanted to go play w the kids but knew that would be WAY weird for them. some of the kids i can talk to and kinda hang out w easily outside of club, others are awkward and dont know what to do w me.
solitude is restful. and i ended up getting things done, and still had hours of free time that i filled w a movie and walking. its so much better than what i usually do- speed up and go crazy, get everything done"faster"--found out today probably not much faster-- and then use the rest of my day to wind down, but not really get to sit in rest.
taking things more slowly makes me more apt to be disciplined. [::woot.
no, no, though. really. its good. i do like it. esp since i was hit in the brain w the fact that im older and shouldnt have a problem w this.
im really liking the discipline of getting the kidsclub lesson done now. the lessons are easier to do, and the one for tomorrow is fear vs. faith. hah! God likes to teach me at the same time, just sayin.
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