loved my time at the beach.
i dont know how succinctly i have been talking about all the stuff happening right now. dont think i could. im not a succinct person. i sometimes wish i was; im make more sense.
God reminded me that "he" is "feminine" also. there is housed in Absolute Being- masculinity and femininity.
i am a fleshy display of the feminine of this Divine, and meant to live out femininity towards others. that our God would be experienced by ourselves and others in the sexuality we house is huge.
being on the beach helped me sort all my thoughts.
my time off helped me hear
--that i am beautiful
-- creativity was given to me and flows through me.
--painting and things of such nature that give me joy arent "less" in the "kingdom"
--i want to live by a beach. not necessarily cc
--i could move
--i could go back to school
--i can travel
--i can start doing those last 3 things in about 2 years, after lars [ my car] is paid off and i have a bit o money saved
been thinking on and allowing myself to dream... the red tent dinner topic has helped! dunno if its been super great for anyone else in the group!
this dreaming has made me open to more, and also given me a more level head about things. learning i can say no to ok, or good things, in hopefulness for great things .
soooo..... heres the story of the romanian man.
i was flipping out the other night. some of that was because i was actually thinking this might work and what a huge shift.
it felt amazingly out of my control to allow a possibility there. j.s., youve talked about control off and on and something always resonated w me but i never understood that i am majorly liking to be in control!!! some of you are prolly like, what, how did she not know that about herself. dunno.
my flipping out was the inability to picture what that life wouldbe like- w an older romanian.
the poss of being linked to this culture! it felt huge.
didnt sleep well.
my mom told me to be my BEAUTIFUL SELF in a text sunday morning, and i started crying. i cant remember her ever blatantly telling me i was beautiful aside from what i was wearing...etc.and i think then it was more, pretty, good, lesser words. and it shocked me to have that lightening bolt of unveiling. i hope to be able to keep that text until its burned in my core.
i felt pretty good at church
started getting nervous at the restaurant. he hadnt arrived w the clydes yet. i was just with the crumps. and thankfully they didnt talk about him before he got there.
my first thought was a let down, not as handsome as i had hoped. hes very kind to his mother. i actually liked her alot. hes shy, like i can be around guys. and that was hard bc he wasnt asking me questions or trying to initiate much. i didnt know what to talk about involving romania. when the people that have been there chat about it, or i meet a romanian, i feel at such a loss- like im expected to talk more about it and know more about it than i do.
we went with the clydes to bass pro shop.
hung out w e clyde and baby while waiting for her husband and lucian to come back from trying to shoot guns and ride a motorcycle. things he wanted to do in tx.
theyre thinking of moving the family down here and he wants to get into christian filmmaking. he feels very strongly thats where the next major push in evangelism is going, and we need to be there and do it well.
when he was talking about this at dinner i actually caught a smidge of hope and thought maybe...
but there were a bunch of things that werent jiving.
dont really wanna re hash that list.
but, 2 things i came away with.
i loved being seen as attractive and taken into consideration for pursuing.--with that, i deserve to be pursued better.
when i meet my husband, im going to know. not this eh, hes nice, cool, fill-in-the-blank. its going to be easy for me to begin being curious and searching out his heart because im going to want to. and hes going to bring stuff to the table thats worthwhile for me to enter into. not that these other guys dont, but for me personally.
26 July 2011
23 July 2011
theres a group lunch happening tomorrow and im kinda being set up to meet a 37 yr old. his mother is going to be there.
most of the people that are going know at least that he and i are both "looking", an we are in each others' age ranges and single.
awkward.
ambivalence.
i'll tell yall more later. theres some more- eh. lemme tell yall now; maybe it will get this pressing weight off my chest.
hes romanian and lives in ny- or maybe just from ny. i have 2 pimples on my face and i just pulled most of the fake nails off, but there are pieces i cant get off and it looks crappy.
i hate having people around when i meet a single guy. i feel like everyones watching me. its a stress i dont handle well and i tend to get brusque, flippant, ya know. im afraid to show if im interested.
i feel weird because hes older. i just had a talk yesterday with kels and her mom about gaps in "marital age" and how tenuous that can be.
im sick to my stomach. :::: k im better.
this didnt make me feel better like i thought.
::::edit!::::: just read the OHM blog, and she said this.
"I can still hear the call of both the hope and the fear. There is still time."
of course the whole post was good. this line made me break down and let out alot. i went and painted it on a canvas and felt some of my craziness go away. -- and i quoted it, so janet, youre famous. at least in my living room- and i accidentally hit the "o"! what if we called them our loving rooms?!?
most of the people that are going know at least that he and i are both "looking", an we are in each others' age ranges and single.
awkward.
ambivalence.
i'll tell yall more later. theres some more- eh. lemme tell yall now; maybe it will get this pressing weight off my chest.
hes romanian and lives in ny- or maybe just from ny. i have 2 pimples on my face and i just pulled most of the fake nails off, but there are pieces i cant get off and it looks crappy.
i hate having people around when i meet a single guy. i feel like everyones watching me. its a stress i dont handle well and i tend to get brusque, flippant, ya know. im afraid to show if im interested.
i feel weird because hes older. i just had a talk yesterday with kels and her mom about gaps in "marital age" and how tenuous that can be.
im sick to my stomach. :::: k im better.
this didnt make me feel better like i thought.
::::edit!::::: just read the OHM blog, and she said this.
"I can still hear the call of both the hope and the fear. There is still time."
of course the whole post was good. this line made me break down and let out alot. i went and painted it on a canvas and felt some of my craziness go away. -- and i quoted it, so janet, youre famous. at least in my living room- and i accidentally hit the "o"! what if we called them our loving rooms?!?
20 July 2011
lets just say its hard to live out a dream and a truth about yourself when the real world is happening around you, telling you that faster is better and you have to fulfill so many obligations and what your dream entails isnt important enough.
Absolute One is tugging at my creative soul.
today i pushed my hacked- up table next to the wall and propped the canvas up that way. id looked at easels, but didnt feel like i could get one yet. the cheap ones are a little too cheaply made; id like one that is sturdy. and maybe has telescopic legs. so this will wait.
i was textin w my mom today. she randomly tells me [after i lethargically started my creation] that my dad got me an easel!
this is what my dreaming has been up against my whole life .
her text: your dad got you an easel :/ [my thought, why the face?! id let them in on where id been. ALOT. prolly cost him 10 or 20 bucks and shes just tired of his random purchases, but really. 20 bucks. whatever mom.]
my response: cool!!!
we go back and forth a bit- she tells me that he actually found it in a vacated office that he was doing some work on, and it was broken, but of course he fixed it.
why the face?
it was and will be such a blessing! ive never used an easel before, ive always been on the floor or against the wall. alot of times i was out in the driveway, because im messy. which is ok.
it kills me that theres such a void in my mom about hoping, and liking things . she keeps her heart closed in this area. ive asked her about things shed like to do, and it always comes down to travel . seeing places. which is cool, but i know theres something deeper . she used to do photography. and she was good. i know theres more.
Absolute One is tugging at my creative soul.
today i pushed my hacked- up table next to the wall and propped the canvas up that way. id looked at easels, but didnt feel like i could get one yet. the cheap ones are a little too cheaply made; id like one that is sturdy. and maybe has telescopic legs. so this will wait.
i was textin w my mom today. she randomly tells me [after i lethargically started my creation] that my dad got me an easel!
this is what my dreaming has been up against my whole life .
her text: your dad got you an easel :/ [my thought, why the face?! id let them in on where id been. ALOT. prolly cost him 10 or 20 bucks and shes just tired of his random purchases, but really. 20 bucks. whatever mom.]
my response: cool!!!
we go back and forth a bit- she tells me that he actually found it in a vacated office that he was doing some work on, and it was broken, but of course he fixed it.
why the face?
it was and will be such a blessing! ive never used an easel before, ive always been on the floor or against the wall. alot of times i was out in the driveway, because im messy. which is ok.
it kills me that theres such a void in my mom about hoping, and liking things . she keeps her heart closed in this area. ive asked her about things shed like to do, and it always comes down to travel . seeing places. which is cool, but i know theres something deeper . she used to do photography. and she was good. i know theres more.
05 July 2011
help! theres a cookie in my salad!
do you ever feel like that? like theres something that feels "wrong" and decadent mixed in something thats "good" for you?
and youre kinda taken aback, and wonder if its ok that the cookie's there? wondering who put the cookie there- to tempt or to bless?
you want the cookie to be real. to be ok to eat. ::maybe its a vegan cookie. with carob::
theres all sorts of things we put in salads to "dress them up" - why not just crumble the cookie up in there/ is that any worse? or just blatantly pull that cookie out and enjoy it.
our "dressing up" makes things more palatable- we're still lookin pretty healthy. still feels pretty healthy. and it is. but we really want the cookie. and when its put on our plate, we're not sure we can eat it. it has become a symbol of all thats bad. its not healthy enough.
im not sure where overindulging fits into my senario. so i cant go there yet. and yall cant help me cuz you dont know what im talking about, really. which is fine.
i actually just had this great title pop into my head and the analogy materialized very quickly after, and i had to get it out.
and youre kinda taken aback, and wonder if its ok that the cookie's there? wondering who put the cookie there- to tempt or to bless?
you want the cookie to be real. to be ok to eat. ::maybe its a vegan cookie. with carob::
theres all sorts of things we put in salads to "dress them up" - why not just crumble the cookie up in there/ is that any worse? or just blatantly pull that cookie out and enjoy it.
our "dressing up" makes things more palatable- we're still lookin pretty healthy. still feels pretty healthy. and it is. but we really want the cookie. and when its put on our plate, we're not sure we can eat it. it has become a symbol of all thats bad. its not healthy enough.
im not sure where overindulging fits into my senario. so i cant go there yet. and yall cant help me cuz you dont know what im talking about, really. which is fine.
i actually just had this great title pop into my head and the analogy materialized very quickly after, and i had to get it out.
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