i took everything off my tree today. wish i wanted to move the tree out and clean it all up. i really want to have it done, and start fresh completely tomorrow.
God slows me down sometimes. does he do that for you?
i seriously had nothing i had to do today, until partying. and it feels great. finished truefaced- thanks tim! - and am going to get my own copy. there are things in that book that are good to remember.
our Father prepared and carried my heart some through the reading of this book. places i didnt know i needed words in, places i cant easily explain. just constantly reading truth was healing.
finding that ive been working hard STILL was disconcerting.
finding i have motives based on self- fulfillment hurts.
re-knowing that i can stay vulnerable is priceless.
staying vulnerable is getting tricky.
i know you all love me, and thats been a beautiful place for me to be open and let you in to the ugliest parts of my character and past. and you still love.
im actually running up against being afraid of showing parts of where ive been, and parts of who i am now. theres risk here, and i havent felt it this strongly before. it seems like so much more is at stake. i REALLY dont want to be rejected now.
and i REALLY want to be known more fully.
ambivalence, anyone? i think i have some extra laying around here.

::squeal!!!!::

im kinda seeing someone :-D
theres been no defining words as to what kind of relationship this is exactly, and we've only been talking/ hanging out for about 3 weeks.
he took me on my first real date. [i could be using exclamation marks. choosing to not overwhelm]
[ also, actually typing it out sounds really lame. so its kinda unsure and ---GAH SHUT UP!
ok. im seeing someone! and hes told me im gorgeous, and we like alot of the same stuff and ive felt like , all giddy! and he wants to talk to me every day! he listens, and wants to know how my day went, and is very gentle and sweet and patient and im trying to be myself. i find im erring on the side of normal .
havent flipped out yet or been super spastic. theres a pic of us on fb, on my page from a party. hes trying to put a nose on me. :-D
thats it. just wanted to share my silly joy.

:: Gods been working me through alot of my fears too, but thats another post::

Christmas-y time is giving me happiness. and on top of that, im feeling some joy too! thank you Lord for giving me some joy. it had been missing for a while, and i'll take the heat for that.

today on kinda a whim, i invited people over to my house to eat after church.

3 "new " friends, 2 "old"
it was perfect, since i hae 6 chairs.

i dont know if i have words yet to voice my joy in having a little tiny party.
the only thing im sad about is i didnt just sit back and drink it in, to feel the depth of it.

but, we were having alot of fun!

my Christmas tree makes me feel cuddly. i like it. it also makes me stay up later. i sit just soaking up its glow and peacefulness.

i have now read people.
i like blogging first, before i read everyone else, it lets me get my mind out unsullied.

i need to speak these things now.
i love all of you. your words, hearing about your lives; i cherish it deeply. im also deeply saddened that i cant hear this from your voice, see your face. i understand the time constraints and distance.

im thankful everyone is so eloquent! i can hear the closeness in the the words given.

i have desperately starved myself from aspects of yalls friendship by not having the internet available to me the past few months.

hearing about your different paths with the Lord is encouraging. where i can take note, or recognize the road, be joyful and sorrowful with you.
it has filled me and my joy is more complete- i understand that phrase of pauls! - it was paul right?
this morning we sang in sunday school- oh, how he loves us.
it makes me ask though.
how does he love us? i cant understand and comprehend it sometimes. i do think i like it. i do think its frustrating and hard. i do think its worth it.
ive had trouble with gratefulness this thanksgiving. i can truely say, hands down, im thankful for the body of friends that are my true family.
thankful that ive been reminded to be thankful for my immediate family, and thankful that he gives me people to love that sometimes cant[or wont] love me back. because then i run deeper with the great love

hey, so im back! yay!
and jen, no rap. im sorry. i dont know if i'll ever do it for the kids- they didnt seem too impressed when i told them that.

so, im going to start from thanksgiving weekend and go from there. everyone tends to follow me better when i [try to] talk linear-ly.
i was desperately wanting my family around thanksgiving. and it was hurting my heart that i was having to find them so much. mix in with that the self- pity of getting over the sickness.
saturday i went to find my parents at lost maples. God had other plans.
i have been there before. i got directions.
i got lost for 30 minutes, 2 different ways. i was crying and angry and confused.
my parents hadnt seemed as super excited to have me come. now i know this is a lie. in the moment it didnt feel like it. them hiking and just calling me when they had service felt hard to me.
getting lost was frustrating. it was getting late and the part of me that wanted to keep driving, ask for directions, and get there was trumped by the reasoning that it would be later, darker, colder, and i had already been crying for about 2 hours. still feeling a bit weak from the sickies.

it was majorly disheartening to give up. ive never done that.
i think i said in the last blog that i said, "ok, God. take over." well, that weekend was the most disjointed ive felt in a long time. nothing was working out the way id planned. even going down to corpus. i had planned to go to the beach before going to my sis's, and then leaving earlier. and maybe hanging out "richly" with her. none of that happened. the things that i needed to get done for kids club happened, but on a very diff time frame. and actual club didnt happen. then meeting up w my parents was crazy and super disappointing.

the car ride of pain was everything i could possibly pin on God [ legally and illegally] and find fault in. i complained about every aspect of my life. i cant go into all the places now. you would be sitting. reading. forever.

one thing, i will mention. i was despising how kids club is going.
and that unlocked a door to my motives for things, and unrealistic expectations.

my chest tightens right now, as i wish to have all of yall face to face with me . i want that alot when i say things here. but i never know when those opportunities will come, and by then i will have probably forgotten that you dont know this about me.

i have unknowingly carried around this lie that if im just better at being a christian, if im just enjoying the life Gods given me , and focus on doing "His work," my husband will come along.
- and id like to stick this in here so its not the last thing i say....IF YOU DONT WANT OT READ THE PETULANT GUY SOB, SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH WITH ASTERIK
i hate this rollercoaster of being ok single and then crashing to not in the span of a few hours. i hate that someone i dont know who has a beeer in his hand at an art show can tell me im gorgeous and have the guts to ask me out when upstanding christian guys who actually have talked to me for more than 5 minutes just dont do anything.
and then im left the next day with awakened longing and hope, and start slipping into depths of sadness because i see all this awesome stuff id like to buy someone special for Christmas, or talk about, and theres no one there. ok. done.
****
thats been a big part of my motive to really jump into kids club, a REALLY big part of trying to learn how to cook, and to lesser degrees other things. its never been just to enjoy the thing or the people or whatever, solely.
thats ugly and sad and little to me. so that happened on a country road. among my cussing and ugliness to God. thank him and praise him that hes big enough, beyond me, merciful, and that i trust him as much as i do to know he will love me still after these "episodes."

he has blessed me with remembrance of truths about himself, and my responsibility to him in relationship in the past 2 weeks.
my parents came into town, out of their planned way back home, to eat lunch w me sunday.
it was bittersweet that they made concession for me after a meltdown.
part of me wondered if i subconsciously was making a huge deal to feel more care from them.
im not sure on that account. i decide to not sit there.
i do believe God had some major work he needed to put me through. and i still feel like hes pulling something out of me and show me more. i have no idea . like a dream where you can only put the story together after you wake up.

i need bed soon.

[ hi, btw]

im in my parents' house alone. its kinda nice. i was sick tues nite and a little wednesday...but only a little. more like recuperating. everything came out of my body tuesday night. i dont know if you wanted to know that, but i wanted to share. mmmm. share the...

anyway.

i had my plan of getting these baskets for thanksgiving made up for the kids and their families in the bible club, and then coming down to see my sister, going back up for club, then trotting over to garner state park sat afternoon.

i was upset when i realized i was seriously sick, then a little afraid, then formulating a plan to drive myself to the hospital if need be, then realizing i could wait it out til morning; it was getting better. interspersed through all this was the thought- God must need me to slow down. i always feel that way when i get sick. like its the only way i can be stopped sometimes. i reflected on all my plan making that i do.

i usually ask, should i do this? and if it feels like theres no resistance, i go.

i really felt it was good to see my sister. i still wanted to go if i was well.

and i got well, and i did come- hence me sitting in my parents' house, on the comp.

i miss my sister. and a feeling/ thought came blazing into my head as i drove here from her house.

--i miss living here.

theres a familiarity that just cant be replicated. i love being close to family. im thankful that i am close still. 2 hours isnt a hard drive at all.

its just funny cuz a couple months ago, if youd asked me if id ever think of moving back, my answer would be a detached, oh, if God called me back.

but now , it would be a longer answer. and i wouldnt be afraid to admit i miss it. and the air is softer here.

im awake- it isnt that late this time! wooo! ok. life.

tomorrow we have a byebye dinner for one of the hygienists thats leaving. its gong to be weird w her gone, but good too, she needs it and i think it will change teh climate of our office a bit.

i am hoping for my key tomorrow. but will prolly get it fri. whiich is ok. iim giving them toothbrushes to pass out when they give out candy from the office. i'll get it then for sure. we'll say yes. my dad is coming that day, and will help me move. that night is dr s.'s 10th anniversary as a dentist. we are having a ssemi- formal dinner, which i assked my dad to, since he'll be here already and id like a date.
the next morning is bible club. i need to buy card stock before then to make a memory game. who knows if we'll be in this apt or that. my dad will leave right after since he needs to be at a wedd in corpus at 3. i will then start getting ready for a halloween party in the midst of probably being oddly moved into a new place ? eho knows what the status is going to be at that point.

i have an idea that im going to do for the club- i know the books of the bible to a 90's rap. im gonna perform it for them maybe next time we meet. and dress up a bit. twill be fun.

i was thinking about painting the walls in my new place, but i looked at some home mags with a friend tonite and im not so sure now. but i have made a pact to put nothing up on the walls for a while. im scared to put an actual time frame on that.
it would be hard for me to not have everything "perfect" by Christmas. hahahahah!! the spell check told me Christmas was spelled wrong, when i put"c"- awesome.
i have a queen size bed, but always end up sleeping in between 2 cats. the width of this space always turns out to be a 3rd of the width of a twin size bed.
this is when i hate my cats. unless one of them lets me put my feet under it.

i find myself burning to paint. im saddened by the lack of space always to do this in. its my biggest obstacle.
i feel like a whirlwind.
maybe ive had way too much suugar these past 3 weeks. i know i had too much today and yesterday.
the cats claws need t obe clipped- ow! and blarneys' nose always runs when he gets all snuggly and purr- y. he actually drools too. hes a crac k- head.
im not going to have insurance now, until i decide to get some on my own. but i will have a few hundred dollars back every month. so thats awesome. just think. heather never gets sick, and all this time i couldve had that money being saved up for something else. its a thought. i know its not being careful, to not have insurance.
but i also know God does things we cant believe and i dont have any children to stay alive for as long as poss. God gives me these kids he does for now, and amazing things have come about in my life already taht ive seen are fruit for others. so i just firgure i'll let him keep going.
my body is jittery. it was before, with all my thoughts and so thats why i got up. now im thinking my major thoughts are out, so lets do some stretching and breathing and get back t o sleep.

oh. and i figured out my outfit for the 10th anni dinner, and im gomnna be looking for some light gold flats or something. thats one more on my list. i think sometimes theres a little inner gremlin that secretly enjoys all the crazy and bustle andslight acid reflux.
looking at teh home mags today and talking about what my friend wanted in her new home- made me start wanting to have more than 2 rooms to decorate and be able to renovate and paint without asking anyone or being restricted. to be free where i rest .

i am so full of so much thought! so many emotions.
im looking at my fears in relation to being pursued, and being a wife.
there is weight i cant explain and questions, and most of all i wonder why its so hard to navigate why i feel and believe what i do.
theres alot.
mix into all that my excitement right now of moving! i went to ask the manager if her boy was coming on the bus with us tomorrow to a family fiesta.
they started chatting with me. the guy that helps her asked about my job, and then started talking about his perio, and asking me stuff. and then he mentioned that my new apartment is so nice!!!
im excited :-DDDDDDD
i am grateful to tears that i would be given this.


she said it will be soon. im guessing that means im getting the keys before the weekend- yes! ive started packing up more of the kitchen. that room and the bathroom seem the most ready to be moved:)
theres going to be so many trips. back and forth across that parking lot. food, books, clothes.

living here is almost like a glass house. you really get to know the neighbors, if you let them in. and i think theyre interested in who i show up as. i know they see God, i know the different people that have come into my apartment feel the peace and settled Spirit. i know they feel the invitation.
im exuberant to create even a more comfy space in the new place. the bathroom wont be only accessible through my room. the new kitchen will draw me to cook more- hopefully!
the walls wont be red.
i dont know how i feel about this.
i know how other people feel about it. i think theres a consensual sigh of relief [ i really had to pull out the dictionary to figure out consensual. i am not as smart as ive liked to believe].

i find it warm and inviting. at the same time, i didnt want the living room to be hugely overwhelming, so i had constrained the color scheme. now, a freedom of wall hangings can happen in the new place.
ive always been really fast about decorating. an unease happens with the walls bare.

this time, im not even going to try. those things are going to sit on the floor for a long time. im going to get used to my apt, and find what i like about the walls. the living- and bed- rooms are set up differently, and im going to wait, move the furniture around, and find what i like best before relegating wall space. there was only one way to do anything in this first place.

they didnt unlock the laundry room this morning. guess my laundry's going to wait until after 3 tomorrow.
we're going to that fiesta. i will be babysitting, while trying to create some interaction. not very many families are going, so it might just be non- bible club interaction with the kids.

m. mcg., the lady that lives here and helps me with club, has depression. she is very hard to deal with at times. she'll reprimand me in the weirdest places, and be super concerned about offending people, then she doesnt agree with me when i talk about offending people, or whatever.

another place where i was hoping for older woman guidance and whatnot, and i get some people that i feel im always speaking into and encouraging, and they sit back thinking out loud, "gosh, i wish i wouldve been where you are now when i was your age!"
i am thankful for the ladies, younger and older, that are adults to me and pour into me when its appropriate. and dont tear themselves down all the time in order to build a semblance of me up in their minds. some of them read this blog. thank you.
i still have that weird "acne- causing bacteria" that they said would be gone by now. the most annoying thing it does is travel to my lips sometimes and itches and dries them out horribly.

i hold some pain with that about my body not being perfect. that my husband wont want to touch my face or kiss me when this is going on......moreso that I wont want him to touch me or kiss me. that the shame of it will be too much . shame of not being perfect.

ok. if i keep talking it will get into alot of shame, because im looking at that right now, and this isnt the place for all that unpacking.

hi friends. how are you?
awesome.
me, im different. but you cant tell by what im DOING. so when you ask me how im doing, thats just silly. look at my face. if im smiling, im happy. etc.

and why do we ask people how theyre doing? you want to know how im doing something? what are you asking about?
"how are you" is better. it still misses the heart. i can give you an "f" word, and then, you might not even be listening at that point!

ever since the trip to austin, Gods really been switching me up. changing my insides. i cant tell you exactly what. and i might not want to iterate it. they are deep quiet places that are loving him more fully and no one gets to see all the excitement so theres this weird joyful sadness.
only God sees this life.
the effort to create ties again where i feel safe to talk about my deep real life is hard. im working on it.

theres been some enlightenment about self -worth as opposed to self- esteem.
im doing this great bible study on my own time and its very personal-feeling w God. its becoming the proverbs 31 woman. at first glance this isnt the type of study that i would be drawn to.
but looks can be deceiving. its awesome!
it threw a huge chunk of light on my lack of believing the worth that God gives to me and others, and giving self- esteem WAY too much voice.
i think one part of that, as we're a little bit on the subject of friends, is i look to having people around as a measure of how much i am worth as a friend. ive been lying. my major love language is not touch. its quality time.
and ive been looking to others to bolster my views about myself by feeding my needs/wants.
and when im not adequately fed, i feel horrible, and like no one likes me or really wants me around.
that is a huge lie. pray for me.


so its been good, i guess, now that i think about it. God takes away my puny shorings and bulwarks and scaffoldings. and asks me to stand on the 2 very worthy feet i have.

omG!
when Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him," would you like to get well?'
"i cant, sir," the sick man said, " for i have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. someone else always gets there ahead of me."
Jesus told him, "stand up, pick up your mat ,and walk!"

um,yes please. more faith. this is interesting, this getting up and walking. i pray i do it.
what does my heart look like when its positioned like this? i wish i could step outside of myself and see the aspects, while knowing the inside so closely. guess i'll have to wait for hindsight.

WHY AM I NOT ASLEEP/

hello. it is late. i cant sleep. someday, i will get serious, pick up my prayer journal, and GO>
maybe after i do this, i will. typing out spiritual shouldves for other people to read kinda pushes one.
i guess thats where all the cool accountability comes in.

some thing i think is contributing to non sleep- excitement. today, just later, i am going to austin and my plans are; zilker park, toy joy, bath in a bathtub at a b&b. YES!!!!
kirby lane, mangia, and anywhere else i damn well please. ooooh! and theres this free for all golf course and i plan on running around on it at night. the moon should be out. hopefully its not too cloudy.
im just all super happy about this. i may go to the elizabet ney museum.i like going up into this top room there. it has cool stairs and a cubby thing i cant explain right now, mostly cuz i cant remember exactly what it goes to , etc.
i got an amazing massage today, and my nails are done. now if i could just get some recuperative sleep.
i did decide the other day after hearing all this stuff about sleep apnea, and the effects of non sleep on a persons ability to function and be healthy- that i wanted to try and make sure im getting my good deep sleep.
cue non sleep.
after that i chatted with God, and i believe he can work supernaturally and ill be rested in the ways i need to .
so back to prayer. i start praying when i cant sleep, then it really wakes me up, then i have to start pacing.
i actually didnt pace tonight, i got on the comp. mostly because i didnt really want to pray anymore. i know that sounds bad, i mean i wasnt even praying for very long. the subject of my prayer just felt weird.
so ya know when you are wanting relationship, and you may have someone in mind, or you may not- but you start praying for them more fervently? that was happening tonight.
not the weird part yet.
[theres not anything super cool or super natural coming your way. sorry]
anyway. i started praying for my friends and their future spouses. like, alll of them. you were included, those of you who are single. it was just strange, it felt so real . i dunno. there are those prayers that you mean and those that you more or less say. all my praying was generic, but it was hopeful in a different place.
thats it. OOOHH< i cant wait for austin. theres something that my heart has needed that God is providing in this weekend. i know it. theres a strong pull of not just fun to be had. something more, something deep.

my heart is sad and slow

hi. i know i just blogged last night. i felt i had to- get out what i was holding with the new class/ discussion group, and because people wanted me to. now, its just me.

my grandma was here this weekend. its always ambivalent. i love her, esp when shes at rest. i love that we can just bum around and be easy. ya know, when youre with someone that knows you. and is like you.
its easy that way.
i am alot like her. i see the things i hate about how she interacts, in me. i see the things i love, and am SO grateful i can carry them on.
she can be annoyingly dogged in how she expects certain things from people. demands a standard, demands them to show themselves. when she gets a thought in her head, she goes with it! and is all intense and if its wrong, and shes misunderstanding something, it takes a while to explain it. and then, she cant just say, oops/ ok, and be done.
she gives. and she loves people.
she was so excited about the haven for hope, and followed everything about it as it was in the works. we used to feed the homeless in downtown cc. she loves the homeless. we always encourage her to just do that. she hates all the rules and bureaucracy of the organized places.
[it took me a long time to figure out how to correctly spell bureaucracy.]
she wanted to go see h4h. so we go. they have their own signage on i-10, so you know just how to get there. its beautiful.
her heart was pounding. she was really excited to just see it. we walked up to the doors of the intake area, just to see when it was open. just to look around. this guard was making sure no one came near the train that passes straight through the complex. he eyed us warily.
we let him know we were just looking at the times. then the door opened. i had already teared up at feeling the Spirit of God in her rejoicing, and as we talked to this beautiful, gracious man, and my grandma tried to convey her joy, i was glad i had my sunglasses on.
its weird , the moments i feel weak and dont want anyone to see. i knew they could see me though. sunglasses made me feel safe, anyway.
he copied off the guest/ member booklet for her, and some of the pages from the website. we were overwhelmed. its a great place.
it was her grandparent day present.
i didnt know it was grandparent day- she did. [go me!]
we drove around the complex and saw a man that had literally just been mugged- his bloodied forehead was very bright, and he was very drunk. i felt unsafe. thats the dang problem with these big cities. in corpus, all these more "slummy" areas were normal. sa has a way of drawing lines.
my grandma didnt feel unsafe. we turned back around and she bought some water for him. while doing so, the ambulance and a police car came up. he was trying to run away, he wanted none of it. of course they found him. gma and i walked over and we were still a bit away. i encouraged her to jog over and ask him if he wanted the water.
he refused, and she said he was so gone. but called her ma'am.
i cant convey now, how much my grandma is effected by people like this. she wants to take them in and make them better. she cries over them at night and her passion for them is contagious.
i love her.
i pray that when her cat dies on her, she would feel more free to go where ever and give her heart the way she wants to.
she left today and part of me felt sad- we had just gotten to a point where we were talking alot. we like to talk. another part was glad because we're both intense, even when we're quiet.
im sad right now- its almost 8, and very quiet and reflective in my heart.

more bland explaination of my fb status than maybe you hoped:

i mentioned i was excited and afraid.
this is partly for you, taytay

id like to blog about it though.
so bruce, a friend at church is getting into knowledge. dts[dallas theological seminary] satellite school at cbc [a church]. and he was meeting with our college/ singles pastor about learning more ...leadership, teaching, and sharing the gospel of Jesus w people.
something like that.
so he and the pastor were like, we should invite other people to do this. i said id like to be a part of it.
it includes apologetics- articulating beliefs in a logical way. [smart christian friends, if this is a bad def, please tell me.
so its basically teaching us more about God, and learning the mysteries about him. alot of times people take verses out of context, or things that they hear televangelists or well - meaning believers say, and write off Jesus because of it.
like, the bible says God gives good gifts to his children.
i believe im a child of God, because i believe he made me. he hasnt given me good, though - its been seriously crappy! God must be a liar.
yea.
so id like to be able to talk to people more on that level.
moreso than that- start conversations that mean something! talk about the eternal things- talk about God and what they believe is true. talk about hard things in their lives and search for the love of God with them. be alive with them in difficulty and find life abundant in the belief of Jesus Christ as fully God and fully man, come to die taking on our sins to make us clean in Gods sight and rising from the dead , securing new life for us in him if we believe.
and thats just part of it.

so im excited because im actually wanting to really start learning more about truth. not just passively accepting what is given me in church or by my family or friends. im excited that finally i'll be awake and aware when thinking about why people think they need to do penance when Jesus has done it all, why they think the Holy Spirit or Jesus isnt fully God. all that stuff.

and its scarey. once you have a true grounded working knowledge of something, youre expected to use it. its weird not to. somebody says, oh! you have a masters in pogo stick! cool- can i see your best stick, and could you do some moves?
and you reply- oh, i dont really ever DO pogo. i just liked the thought of knowing all about it. i enjoy sitting at the coffee shop reading books about pogo sticks, and what other people have done on their sticks....wondering about the probability of height if gravity was just THAT MUCH lighter.
so. i know that there is a requirement now. not just of a taskmaster whipping me into doing. if that was the christian life, i dont think id have stuck around. it wouldve been dead like everything else. i hate WORK. but its in my heart. a real understanding starting to spring. i know me. enough, anyway. that if i really do this, its going to be different.
im afraid of people rejecting Gods truth. of not believing what hes done for them. of not humbling themselves and thanking him for it.
and im afraid of losing friends and family as they might hate me if i really say what i want to .
i might hate losing face in front of people and crying over them. when we step into peoples hearts, they can get really defensive and push you out. but i have to remember its not me theyre rejecting ultimately. it still hurts.
so, thats about it. there will probably be more coming.
oh, yeah! and the discipline part- im way not like that. things come really easily for me, and when ive actually had to work its turned into major frustration, hatred, and almost nervous breakdown.
so me being all studious and really loving this learning. its only by the grace of God.

the next step

His thoughts are higher than mine, as are His ways.
when he asks me to hope again, im afraid.

-sidenote. i just felt the first pangs of a headache, and then my head got really hot, and then it was like a wave of pain that went away. weird.

so, hoping again. just in everyday things. hoping in my tomorrow at work, i let God lead. that i could speak hope and truth and kindness all day. that i would listen to my heart. listen WITH my heart. i get so fast and militant at work. i know, hard to believe.
those of you whove seen my intensity know. those of you who know me best when im chill- well, just wait. youll see me all stressed out and frenetic at some point.
if you cant already tell from some of my blogs.

hoping for my friendships to be more real than they have been, hoping for my thoughts to stay focused always on what is important. hoping to love more with abandon.
all of these things involve possibly being misunderstood, getting hurt, being exposed for someone less than who id like people to think i am.

those are the thoughts im going to sleep on.

ive been on the comp wayyyy too long. ouch.

i was kinda pissy at work. sometimes i am.
we had a girls night last week, and karaoke'd. im always worried that people will be like, ow, she needs to not sing. i tried only on the ones i felt i could do.
if i dont know a song very well, im pretty muchly tone-deaf. weird. i thought i was better than that.
anyways.all this set- up cuz after work we were talking about it and there were only like 5 people in this convo. long story short it sounded like 2 ladies basically have a thought that i cant really sing.
never mind. not long story short. just story. suck it up or leave.
jaime is a conservative christian. we dont really think she'll ever come to these things, and she prob wont cuz theres drinking ususally. she was telling the hostess [brandi]what she heard about the great singing time we had. jessica, my hygienist friend had been there and crissell, the absolutely amazing coordinator of all our events.
they started talking about how i sang some, and i cant really remember all that was said. but i mentioned i sing better with different songs[ or something to that nature] and jaime put out celine dions name. i was like, yea. --i mean, obviously i couldnt really sing like her. but it would sound better than some of the other things i attempted.
both jessica and crissell disagreed pretty strongly with that.
later on i realized i went into shame and sadness over this. i denied them, that they havent really ever heard me sing, for reals.
after a little battling for my heart, brandi agreed with me that i have a nice voice, and shes heard me sing. by then i was in battle mode, esp when jessica said shes heard me sing. i denied it all, and said they have only heard me playing around when singing.
out of everything i wish i could do/ be, singing is pretty much at the top. dancing is under it. nebulous "art" is somewhere in there.
i have a deep fear that im tone -deaf, really, and people just shy away from commenting on my singing ability. i have a deep fear that my voice is just -eh. ok. and i have a deep fear of people hearing me.
back to the story. i was wounded bad. i was putting in a clinical note at the time, and kept fighting back tears and wondering WHY IN GODS NAME WAS I TORN UP ABOUT THIS? they hadnt been cruel at all. and jessica isnt afraid to tell me like it is.
i just took in a fact that not everyone thinks my voice is beautiful, esp when its scared and has had some alcohol. more than that.
theres a truth that im just very normal. and i dont have an outstanding singing voice. i was hoping so badly that a veil would be rent someday and i would hear some truth my heart knew about being a singer.
i almost cant believe im telling yall this. it hurt so much today. thinking about it and typing has made me cry again, but not as painfully.
hearing those ladies make that stark judgement on my ability sent me to difficult places. i started listening to lies today. just a little. i stayed away from feeling depressed mostly. but it made me second guess other things i think about myself, like how attractive i am.
i stayed in pretty safe places with that- however safe you can be there, is debatable.

was birthed from that was going trial on match.com
i know. once i got over the initial- ah!- of it, it feels normal- ish. i almost subscribed. but im going to sleep, and see how i feel in the morning about a 6 month subscription and future bad/awkward dating experiences.
[its kinda exciting!!!]

julie & julia

i just finished reading this awesome book.
slightly crazed 20-something that wants more purpose is a person that could be my best friend. glad i didnt see the movie first.
im really left wanting to cook! i always want to cook, but now i REALLY want to. and i have this little cookbook that is VERY far from being an intimidating french cookbook asking me to cook brains, and scoop out marrow.
its called Lights Out. 60 sensational recipes for late night bites.
makes you think, oh, theyre gonna be easy fun things when you get that weird strong hunger for something.
do you always have fresh basil and clear honey? what is clear honey, anyway?!?
and no one has mascarpone cheese and arugula lying around.
so im thinking this book of sixty fairly short recipes is good enough for me to start. theyre small amounts too, so some of them can be main dinner type stuff for one person. im excited a bit.
[cant you tell? :P]
some of them are just desserts and drinks. we'll have to figure something out. hm.
im thinking movie nights. maybe. we'll see.
i wasnt feeling great at all yesterday and today i stayed home from church. when i stay away for a ligit reason, like not wanting to spread disease, i feel weird. when i just flat out decide not to go, i could care less.
today im feeling better, but slow. i want to go buy some ingredients, but feeling slow isnt the best way to feel when youre cooking.
i have another project, anyway. scrapbooking. and not what your thinking. all that scrapbooky stuff makes me throw up in my mouth. sorry those who love it. it looks good on you- not me. i keep papery things, like cards that meant alot to me. these i will attempt to fix into a book. i dont think i have enough paper to do it all today, but im hoping to make a significant dent.
i will be going crazy by 3, so feel free to call me :) you might have an interesting conversation.

today

after this time of having my laptop not be mobile around my apt, i know for sure in a month or two im going to demand whatever is needed to get this poor flimsy thing off its leash. im making do lately by sitting on the floor and propping it on my couch. makeshift desk.
i was typing floor, and my hands automatically typed floss. guess how many times i type that a day!
i actually dont know myself. maybe i'll count this next week and get an estimate.

ok, back to the subject of my title.
i woke up to kitties wanting to be fed and let out on the porch 10 min earlier than their scheduled time. grrr. i had set my alarm for an hour later and when that went off, i was going to just go back to bed for another hour, but there was a mewling kitty somewhere and it sounded stuck. i went outside and looked around but couldnt find anyone.
it stopped later. since i was already awake and FEELING awake, i stayed up. cleaned the floors[did it again=floss. geez], went to lowes, sun harvest, and got gas all in about an hour. walked to a cafe to get some coffee[and some quarters], started laundry and talked to the manager about this apt.
it is now 10:30.
im awesome. i wasnt even rushing through all my to-dos.

so. the apt wont be ready until a month...or maybe 2. like i said before, im disappointed, but its getting better. im pretty sure i was getting all hyped up about what new things i was going to do in the bigger apt, and feeling all intense about how the new decorating was gonna come out. thats where all my upset has been. crazy huh. boys dont have this problem. some girls dont have this problem.
one of my co-workers/ managers voiced her relief that i wasnt in there yet when the fire happened. i actually wouldnt have minded so much. maybe it wouldve destroyed some things for me, so i dont have to agonize over getting rid of them .
see, i think i have alot of stuff. i like to keep objects for memories. since i have a not so great one.

these past few days though, ive been super awesome with putting things in give away piles- trinkets, books, even dishes. i wont be able to part with any of my pictures/ wall hangings, i dont think. i love them too much.
but, what i have done gives me alot of joy. we need so much less than we have .

i loved walking to the cafe and chatting with the cashier while he got me my kolache and coffee. its not as close as other cafe, but the prices are better and they have less weird hours.
today i need to work on the bible club lesson. ive been putting it off cuz i basically cant just wing this one. im actually teaching it again, because there was onlyy one boy last time and i said some things- pointed out to me later- that werent sound. thank God for do- overs. he knew.

and these last couple days when i was in tumult , he knew. i kept reminding myself of that. and he spoke to me through oswald. that days devo was about disturbed and receiving peace. heh.

i had said yes to moving. and then i get a call after a HARD day at work saying the apt got burnt up- yes, fire- and it will be next month. gah. i havent talked w her yet about details.

i only know im sad. i was somehow getting attached to this new place i havent even seen.

not to mention all the stuff [that was] on mmy walls is off, taking up floor space and there are 2 boxes full of stuff on the floor in the living room and 1 box in the kitchen. and now i still have to upkeep clean for 4 more weeks.
real cleaning is so satisfying because its real, deep, and then its done. a finished work. [not all this freekin upkeep. ] thats what i do only when im moving out or in.

and there was potentially going to be only one more week of community dryer. my dad is going to bring a dryer for me.
and i was getting excited about re decorating. downsizing too. im constantly trying to get rid of things. i did think that this month, since i'll be antsy and slightly undone, i'll more readily be rid of things, so maybe i'll let go easily of some of the knick knacks.

today at work was bad. i cant describe it really, its hard to talk about all that is held in a day for us at SOPD. but i feel overworked. thats been building for months.
work effects my attitude toward spending time w God. im so weary worn out blah and then i should be reading about who cut down what asherah pole? he gently reminded me that his word is deep power love and the Spirit resides there, and "come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and i will give you rest. "
guess im not sure how to come to him when hes talking about what articles were stolen from the temple.
and i bet youre like, ew, she just needs to go to a diff place in the bible right now!
i hate skipping around. it makes me read less and less. and i feel disjointed when im doing that, almost like im being a flake! weird huh.
and im being a flake right now by arguing w him about not wanting to read. i shall readest of mine holy scripture presently.

hi

i read my last post to remember where id been. funny, God spoke to me this morning about leadership. the true aspects of leadership, i love. i do them easily and they are where i long to display more life. i just dont like calling it leadership because that word has felt negative.
pastor roger said something. and this is slightly verbatim i think. actually, maybe its just plagerism. hehhe. slightly verbatim= plagerism!

leadership is service and giving.
a leader isnt given people for the leaders benefit, but the people are given the leader for their benefit.
this may seem like a "duh" thing to you, it is to me. yet i never let myself see it.
i have in the past- recent past too- looked at the people that i knew were specifically given to me for me to lead, as people that were supposed to fulfill me, and give me something worthwhile out of our time. this is mostly including the children i have worked with. im a bit afraid as of right now to see what my thoughts have been regarding my friends and people i have mentored.
and really afraid to let yall in there. you can probably guess. and if you feel youve been a recipient of ugly leading, you probably have. im sorry.
i dont want to be her anymore.
:: beginning to embrace the word::

i might be moving into another apt in the same complex. if you want to know the full story, you can, its kinda boring. theres a fun "casting lots" part. but long story short this place might be significantly bigger in the living area, to where more kids could come comfortably, and it would be given to me for the same price as this one because the apt manager angela is awesome.

i dont want the hassle of taking down all my beautiful decorating and nesting that i finally got satisfactory, and having to change my address for all the businesses and such, just for an apt number. and i just recently realized i had the wrong address still on my insurance! my premium had just gone down, but changing addressesmade it go up again. location.
im finding the place of really giving myself over to the One that i can completely trust with everything- my very life- and even though this might be a hassle, hes made my heart open to the move. i really hope that living room is huge. at least set up differently for more accomodation. it will make the decision hard if its just by a little bit. even though im certain that God has told me to move, i can make a different decision.
ugh. re reading that feels horrible. i choose quite frequently what i feel is best. this event doesnt make sense and im having a hard time with knowing this will be a beneficial move.
i hear all the time and say all the time that Gods ways are not ours.
but i really and truely dont like it.
ok, this is me keeping the reading in a manageable length!
till a little later.

almost everything in my brain right now. well... half.

what to say? its been so long.

hi.
im your friend. youre mine. i like you, and im glad we can meet here, if not on a regular basis in the "real" world.
Gods been pricking me again, and most recently in an unexpected conversation w mike dalton.

yea, hes doing pretty good.

i know you guys can see a broken record theme coming from me in all my blogs. ii talk about the same stuff. im ok w that. if you ever get a hold of one of my journals [ hopefully a very old one; it would be less embarrassing that way] , youd quickly get bored with what would seem to be a constant rehashing. i dont mean to. i just forget.
i want memory.

so this thing that is constantly on my mind and i dont know what to do about it is- leadership.

we've probably talked about it at some point. its been in my life as an annoying part of me that wont change.
i want someone to lead me. and i dont let God do that very well. id rather the leading be on my terms. ew. such a viscious cycle.
francis chan kicked me in the small intestine today.
i dont want to love God more than anything else on this earth. i want to love a person more than anything else on this earth. i choose to be wrapped up in my selfishness more than the fact that i have inexplicable freedom and joyy at my fingertips. that i can continue to know Him FOREVER and i wont be able to know all. thhis doesnt thrill me as much as thinking of the possibility of having a husband w skin on.
i want to be able to say all of those things positively and truely about God. there are times when im there, and i long to stay there so desperately. not that my longing for a husband is gone, but its not consuming me there.
it just gets harder and harder.
i know the remedy.
it entails FEELING boring. i kinda like rollercoastering.

its readin the bible. its praying for others. putting on holy ears. being intentional with my words ALL THE TIME. showing my heart all the time. even when someones just stabbed it.

slowly.

ya know when youre in conversation with people, and things start getting said, and you know its hurting you, but you dont even have the presence of mind to completely acknowledge that its hurting? maybe its just me.
but this recently happened and i was tired and in pain and things were said. i was put in an unkind spot light, and instead of letting the person know it was unkind and engaging with him well, i met him there in my tough and spewed ugly.
so this growing up stuff is hard for me. to push past tired, push past my pre- set notions of people and listen to their hearts when i could care less about them. take the time to think about my heart, and realize that i can start caring about them if i care about me just enough.

im not crying, but earlier before bloggin i was, and i have to say i hate crying with contacts in. AND i hate crying w glasses on. just a no- win situation either way.


one more thing. just cuz. i am being super strict with myself in my budgeting. all those times i was telling yall it was going great- welll, i was cutting corners and taking from other allotments. so . when i say i cant do something that requires money, dont judge me. i know i make ok- good money. technically i CAN do things. but i have to pay for my car [a..k.a. probably not the best desicion in the world], and im deciding that at the end of the alloted time, id like to look back- even if its not paid off and im in debt with the interest- and know that i tried my hardest at paying it off.

i have been reserving my flowery words and such for my journal.
so *here* is where i sit.
-battling selfishness of wanting to be married for what it will be for me.
-aquiescing [sp?] to wayside being my home church. still thinking on why all of these weird feelings are present in light of this church body.
- my roles in life as a leader, and my rebelling on every front when these roles surface.
- being ok with kids clubs and other things that feel "mediocre" to me, being my life work along with touching people through my career choice. wanting to thrive in those places and not just be ok. but being ok is a huge step.
- still learning romanian and wondering if its worth it. still keeping the option of going next summer open in my heart.
-with that, praying for a poss replacement for me in that timeframe for work.

-realizing this morning that my life will [has] not look[ed] like what i[ve] want[ed].

it leaves me with not much to hold on to. i want to go deeper here.\
i honestly and for reals started a prayer journal.

im tired of the truth that has been my actions. when i say this im specifically speaking about how i move in my relationship to guys. i say im picky and have high standards, but in reality ive made myself ready to be okay with anyone that gives me any time/ glances/ etc.
this is why prostitution and rape have been so drawing. because i have allowed the mindset. this is pretty fresh unearthing. and i dont really want to leave with this tthought.

ok. go back and read [or if you have a better memory than me, think] on the things in my bullets. all of these things are pulling at me and theres tension. the peace is found in my actual doing of things, just staying with the regularly scheduled program, but when i just think on all the possibilities, i want to throw all away. must be my rebellion having a big huzzah. hopefully its last!
i wanna watch a movie and eat medditeranian food.

hi eenterwebs. im back

- layne reminded me that we usually feel deep inadequacy [sp?==oh, and when i do that, i actually want correction if its needed] when we begin to step into our deep heart's cry.

- friendships are a bother. they aske me to be all open and show myself. its so much work and theres always disappointment.

-i felt small tonight at the table. MEH
crap. ok fine. i wasnt even going to go into this, but i guess i kinda want to, otherwise i wouldnt be letting it out.
i felt really immature and it was hard for me to listen. i was listening to lies, letting them beat me up. i didnt have good responses. everyone else was so awesome in giving their thoughts. and they pick up on stuff so well!

- im really a stickler for rules.
[ i know you dont believe me, or are at least mildly confused that i would admit this. so i'll say it again]
i really like rules. and following them. and having a specific outcome happen. tonight at dinner it felt like a rule to stay light. i think it was hard for me to connect with what what being said when i hear that things are supposed to be light. there were heavy things said. how am i supposed to keep things light?
Gods moving my bowels.
that is to say, hes stirring up alot of shit and some of it, im finding, has been constipated. tonight was somehow a laxative. well, actually this whole week. this week has felt really full and fulness is a catalyst for dealing with everything in your heart.
i need to talk to people at work and the bible club helpers and let them know whats truely happening in my heart and let the chips fall where they may .
i must make time to let myself be heard.
i think thats why i enjoy this so much. i dont really end up being a bother to any of you, i dont take up your time and dont have to ask for your time. huh. and i dont have to deal with the disappointment with feeling not heard. i just get to assume that it wasnt read.

im here if you want me. shit. that sounds like a whore.

ive been told that im really vulnerable. but its actually only when it suits, when it serves me, when convenient. like right now. theres too much in me, i have to put it somewhere and hope someone reads it and knows me in it somehow. but its too inconvenientfor me to call someone and be all spastic, girly and weepy. the people i feel comfortable calling try and make it better. i dont want to encroach on anyones time. i dont like being here, but i cant seem to ever grab hold of the statements that are made by people- you can call anytime, blahblah.
people keep telling me im an adult but im not, there are so many parts that are the child, that refuse to come out of the corner, that cant believe that the fear is unfounded.

sorry if this is so emo to read. sometimes i have a hard time feeling like God is holding my tears adequately, and i just never feel like anything is solved between us. its always the same thing. why cant he just talk to me like back in the day? then we could be clear about stuff. people say relationship has a good foundation if communication is a big part. i tell God alot of this stuff. but hes a God who hides himself. how is that good clear communication, to make me draw it out of him?
and yes, i admit to not being quiet enough to listen. but how can i listen when im upset and mad and cant find his arms to rest the storm inside?
:: a little help::

where am i?

i dont know.
ive been on a bit of autopilot, just enjoying things for face value and not really reaching deep. i wonder if the less sleep factor has contributed to that. i think i'll be taking back soome sleep time soon.
skimming the surface of interactions leaves me a bit caustic. i can be rude very easily. i can be flippant and uncaring. like, seriously.
im pretty sure i got slapped in the face a couple times yesterday. proper shame happened, improper a couple more times, and just a few moments of, why dont i care about their hearts? why am i not curious anymore?

its funny. ive been in some very safe circles recently, and im afraid to offer myself. afraid to call those around me to enjoy me, or to just go deeper.
ive been selfish- lazy, tired, and well, no one is interested in really asking where im at, to take time to crack the veneer ive fooled myself with, so whatever.

and seriously, im not really sure about all this. ive just started thinking about it today. im just scratching the surface.

great memorial day weekend!

ahhh.... good friend happenings this weekend. and i didnt work at it. thats the best part. i was able to relax in all of it. thanks tim, for thinking up the breakfast. thanks elizabeth, for hanging w me. theres other people i could thank but they dont read this so whatever.

my skin doesnt feel scaley!!! woot! it peeled pretty profusely after my shower today. hopefully that is the beginning of the end./

i dont know what it is about this medicine im taking, but it makes me super tired in an achey way, but then im awake easily for a little over half the night. its evil!!

ive been talking to my boy cousin[i only have one boy cousin, thats why im calling him that] on fb about his belief in shinto. basically asking him questions. he knows about Christ; he accepted Him when he was younger, talking to my dad on the sidwalk outside our house one day. hes since rejected, then been ok w Christ, but now believes alot more loosely, more focusing on general spirits of earth type. i think. like forces. karma type stuff. i keep jsut asking him about it when i think of something. the other day i almost made it more pointed and Christ- filled, buit fb kept kicking me off, and when i got on today, it just didnt seem right ot say what i was going to. i think im supposed to just stay curious of where hes at for now.

annnnd.i miss my husband.

i was talking to a single friend sunday morning. i asked her if the pain of unrequited/ dashed hope relationships gets worse each time. she said yes.

i dont know how im going to survive. the last time was pretty brutal. and ive sworn to not kill my hope. so im left with a heart full of expectancy, waiting again, wondering: in the next go round, will i have to mop up again, or will i become more guarded? and in my guarding, will i quiet some of my hope?

i sit in the ambivalence of loving and appreciating the freedom and opportunity of my singleness, and desperately wanting to be tied to someone here on earth..

my arm keeps feeling like its wanting to go numb.
i hate that my face itches and my skin is all dry.
i feel sick/weak/ annoyed.
bruce talked about hardships/ suffering last night, and that the Lord chastens the ones he loves. difficulty happens for our disciplining.
im ok with that when i know why. im not sure what i should be getting out of this.
i'll be super thankful when i can not have ugly feeling lips, and super grateful that my skin is smooth again.

i have done nothing today and am pissed off for no apparent reason. and i have a headache.

and i want to do fun things this weekend, but cant find my energy or drive.
i slept for about 10 hours, and i feel like i need a nap in a bad way right now. but im hungry too. i hate making food/ finding food when i feel bad.
supposed to hang out with a friend tonight, hopefully that will help me out

high maintenance

::isnt that how you speel it?::
always looks weird to me, that word.

random little side note first.

i was in the shower and thought, how funny it woould be if we sang everything in opera? i mean, at work a couple of us joke around about singing to each other besides talking, and we do it some. it always brightens our mood. makes it more interesting for the people around us too.
but, like, i totally make up a great emo opera sounding song thing about chocolate being left behind by marshmallow on the graham cracker ship.
it was really pathetic, and hilarious.
then i started just doing nonsense sentences, that was fun.
not sure why i dont do this stuff around people.

anyhoo. high maintanence. this has a negative connotation. but.... me and the two girls i click with the most on all levels were hanging out. and 2 of us ended up speaking to the other about her h.m. nature. she got all offended and i had to speak slowly and calmly to keep her from going off the handle. id never really put her in the h.m. category until then. it felt strange because shes not what you think of first [ or at all] when that stereotype comes up.

shes a beautifully deep christian. high standards, not afraid to speak truth and that forcefully if needed, always loving, giving the benefit of the doubt, having righteous anger, sacrificing for others...and it goes on.
basically , i found in my thoughts an excitement for being able to categorize her like that. its like redeeming the term. taking back the territory that those words have occupied for so long. as christian women, women with standards and values, who know what we are worth- we are a mystery.
[i should point out that we were talking about guy stuff. ]
and it is more than acceptable to be h.m. being a strong leader, my friend gets frustrated with the men around her that are fearful of moving into her realm and who are still complacent as boys, or at least holding on to parts of boyhood that shouldnt be protected from turning into manhood.

we affirmed in her the beauty and mystery and worth tthat warranted men around her to press in and have some difficulty in pursuit. to have to work to know a true woman.
these fresh thoughts kinda hit me between the eyes. made me step back and look at myself, just a little. im not contemplating this much, but its in the back of my mind now.
redeeming the phrase "high maintenance"

meh- dicine

so about a year - or maybe 2- ago, when that huge staph infection tsunami was sweeping through south texas[at least], i got some suspicious staph- like sightings all over my body one day at work.
it was travelling and spreading by the hours.
co- workers got all paraniod, and i felt like a freak, was scared, and went to the dermatologist. i was not to come back to work without her clearance.
[dont get me wrong, i didnt want to stay at work- i was already wondering how many kids i'd infected]

long story short it wasnt staph, i was given some meds, and a harrowing week or so is now a faded memory...
that im slightly reliving.
without the super - paranoid-"its staph" feeling. woke up monday morning with the rah- like bumps starting in the corners of my mouth and radiating onto my top lip. a little under my bottom lip.
the next day it had trekked across my chin like a good move in RISK. at least what i think would be a good move. it was sneaky, and covered a fourth of my face expertly.

called the dermatologist that i dont really like because she harps about putting sunscreen on EVERY day, and would probably turn every one into nicole kidman if she could. lady, no one is paying me for milky white skin .
anyway. i liked her more this time. she seemed less abrasive. maaybe all the staph outbreaks the other year had her super haggard. she checked it, and is doing a biopsy again just to make sure . gave me the meds that worked well last time. one of them is prednisone. its like crack for me. i didnt sleep but 3 hours last night and im really awake right now. i thought i would have a sleepy "dip" at work- that usually happens when i dont get alot of sleep. but no. super awake all day.

wondering if this is going to happen for the whole course. i have to taper the drug, but for the firstlike 5 days im on 2 a day.
but its making my skin happy.
:: i have to wash my face in bleach- infested water just as an added precaution::

i kinda want to just brain -vomit right now, but i think i'll spare you and do the good thing - rest. if you wake up in the middle of the night, be consoled. heather is up with you.

deviation

im still going to bum around in the topic of humility, guys. dont worry. but when something beautiful happens, gears are gonna shift.
hunky lars, my passionate volvo, tells me when his feet are tired. [a.k.a. low pressure]
i fill them up again and everything is fine. lately, though, the loss of air wasnt normal, since the temperature wasnt changing drastically. and thurs nite at one in the morning, im frustrated because hes still telling me he "needs air now".
fine, tomorrow we'll go to the volvo service center.
friday i woke up to torrential downpour.

but i had to get my gingiva followed up on- looks great, i can start braces any time- and so i went out. good thing i enjoy rain.
went to volvo. theres a nail in a tire, irrepairable.
the man told me hes not supposed to, but suggested i try somewhere else. i go to discount. not much cheaper, and PROBABLY can get the tire shipped over by the afternoon.
not good enough. so, i go back to volvo, and since i know its going to be a bit of a wait, i look around in my car for something. bypassed the bible and went to my john eldredge trilogy. currently rereading Waking the Dead.
::read it::
God, thank you for the nail in my tire, thank you for the extra waiting time while all techs were at lunch, thank you for the empty waiting area so i could cry, thanks.

this is where i give you things that bathed my heart and ended up bathing my face.

"Our deepest thoughts are held in our hearts. Scripture itself claims to be "sharper than any two- edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."(Heb. 4:12). Not the feelings of the heart, the thoughts of the heart. Remember... Mary "pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2:19), as you do when some news of great import keeps you up in the middle of the night.
"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." Prov.23:7
It is the thoughts an intents of the heart that shape a person's life.
The apostle Paul drives this home when he states: " If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified"(Rom. 10:9-10). ....
Where does saving faith come from? The heart. Which raises a troubling reality for all of us:you do not belong to God, you are not a Christian at all, until you engage your heart, believe with your heart. Jesus said the same when, in a moment of frustration with his own people, he cried,
"For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and i would heal them. (Matt. 13:15)
The mind is a faculty, and a magnificent one ast that. But the heart is the dwelling place of our true beliefs. "
HK=read romans 7:17-18, 20, 22.
"Paul is making a crucial distinction:This is not me, this is not my true heart. Listen to how he talks about himself in other places. He opens every letter by introducing himself as "Paul, an apostle." Not as a sinner, but as an apostle, writing to the "saints." Dump the religiosity; think about this mythically. Paul, appointed as a GreatOne in the kingdom,writing to other Great Allies of the kingdom. How bold of him. There is no false humility, no groveling.
HK=read Eph.3:2-5.
"Paul is unashamed to say that he knows things no man before him knew. He even assumes theyve heard about him, the mysteries revealed to him. That is part of his glory. His humility come through clearly, in that he quickly admits its all been a gift, and in fact, agift given to him for others.
And listen to the way he talks about us: "You shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life" (Phil. 2:15-16). .... You are supposed to shimmer. .... All this groveling and self- deprecation done by Christians is often just shame masquerading as humility. Shame says, "Im nothing to look at. Im not capable of goodness." Humility says, "Ibear a glory for sure, but it is a reflected glory. A grace given to me." Your story does not begin with sin. It begins with a glory bestowed on you by God.
"Certainly, you will admit that God is glorious. Is there anyyone more kind?...creative?...valiant?...true?... daring?... beautiful?...wise?... generous? You are hiss offspring. His child. His reflection. His likeness. You bear his image. Do remember that ...he made the heavens and the earth...the desert and the sea...and said, "It is good," [and that] only after he made you he said, "It is very good." Think of it: your original glory was greater than anything that's ever taken your breath away in nature.
....
"If I make the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And the lips more scarlet,
Or ask if all be right
From mirror after mirror
No vanity's displayed:
I'm looking for the face I had
Before the world was made. "
W.B. Yeats
"Yes, thats itt. When you take a second glance in the mirror,... you are looking for a glory you know you were meant to have...."

it goes on. i could keep typing. i wish i could make lots of people read this book. my heart had been in alot of different places, and wasnt resting. Holy gave me rest in his words. and, gave me rest about next summer. possibly going to romania again; looking at preparing for whatever that looks like- being ok with maybe setting my job aside. as in, not coming back to the one i have.

as i was typing some of this out, i realized it DID have humility stuff in it. so yay. im not being a yo-yo, this is a progression! more humility later. i found out today a close friend has been looking at humility herself, so im excited. ive been given co- travelers.

humble

meek or modest

deferentially respectful





deference- submission or courteous yielding to the opinion, wishes, or judgement of another. courteous respect.



but what if theyre wrong? or being a jerk?

is this when the Christ-like ness comes in, cuz it doesnt make sense? this has the potential for being misunderstood all over it. and getting misunderstood hurts. its shameful.

let me elaborate.

thursday we were getting a little behind with the schedule, and i had a really nice family of 3 waiting. [there were 3 kids. at work, we only count the children]

i told one dr -we'll call her #1- that this family needed to see her. with a certain insurance we take, the newer dr we have cant see them; she wont get paid.

this newer dr is on a trial/ help- us- out- certain- days basis. we'll call her #2. i dont think i'll mention the dr's much after this, but just in case.

#1 NEEDED to be out of the office by a certain time, and still had a treatment. i let her know they were delta, and she was like, ok, i guess im seeing them. in my mind, theyve been waiting, she hasnt gone into her tx yet- oppotune time for exams, right?

she went to her tx:

so, im a pretty blunt/ honest person. some of you may have been hurt by this characteristic of mine before. im sorry. i got a taste of how painful it can be.

i told her, we're waiting on #1 because shes the only one that can see them because of insurance; #2 basically doesnt get paid if she sees yall.

::yes, i said it like that::

the mom was so indignant, but like caustically laughing too. she thought that sounded so horrible, and she was talking about how i phrased it. "so, basically she wont do the exams because she wont get PAID?!" i felt some humble pie getting stuck in my throat, as i wanted to rephrase my statement. but then i wouldve sounded like more of an idiot.

so i said yes.

i quietly got up and let her know id see what i could do, maybe we can work something out paperwork -wise.

i walked to the other side of the office and really, hid behind an operatory. #2 was doing an exam there and i contemplated asking her if she would pro - bono.

i fought back some tears. one of my co- workers saw me and had a questioning look on her face. i mouthed that i was in a not- good place and looked away. she was relieved that she didnt have to deal with a bleary- eyed hygienist right then; we were busy.

i felt the clock breathing down my back too, i didnt want that family to wait any longer, i wanted to redeem myself in her eyes.

for her to not pass judgement on me.

i finally got "front desk" person to come and explain it. we could let #2 see them, theres some easily handled paperwork. easier than i thought.

the mom was like, it sounds so much better when you say it! - to the front desk.

i dont like humility.

i can handle it when the people around me know me already. they make more correct assumptions about my character and they know my heart toward them is good. this mom didnt know.

im actually glad the dad was there. he was quiet[and he wasnt around right when i used my "crass verbage"], but i know he had to have quelled a little of the storm in her .



so. being myself isnt going to be enough for alot of people. especially in stone oak:-P

but it hurts to not be enough for their standard. it seems like it should be obtained easily enough. but no. im me. and im not looking to their standard. i understand more and more david crying out to God to not be put to shame. shames a bitch when its undeserved. makes forgiveness harder.

so- pouring myself out unreservedly for the sake of others.in my simpleness, when i set myself up for her to rip me, i was making myself vulnerable. you never know whats going to come out of a parent when they feel waiting in the dr office is a waste of their time. we actually make ourselves vulnerable every time. so this one wasnt much different, i just felt shame about my lack of knowledge. so is that being humble- was that pouring myself out? i was for them and wanting them to know where they stood timewise. we tend to feed parents ubiquitous bull easily in regards to timeframes. im willing to agree that i was humble at the beginning. did i stay in humility, or did i shut down? i defintely felt humiliated. all these words are so similar, and so far apart from each other in my mind.
youre probably thinking, why is she wrestling with this so much? well, i tend to wrestle alot. analyze. its something i do. but moreso, i want to make sure im not shutting down. i want to be present with people and offer them truth/ reality/make them reconsider their stance on how life should work. especially at my job.
this might be the end of my humility thoughts, it might not.

our longings for love, unity in diversity, communication, community, humility, peace, and selflessness are in fact- by design- longings for the trinitarian God.

human desires corrupted by sin turn in on themselves[ "inward growing eyes"] and the longings turn to lusts.

we long for humility, where people pour out themselves unreservedly for the benefit and well- being of others.
these are some thoughts, mostly verbatim, from the book doctrine.

i am really struck by the last one. ive never thought of myself as longing for others to have humility. ive wanted it in myself, seen it lacking in myself, because i know all the little inner workings of my heart and thoughts. i know im not living out of humbleness. but hadnt paid attention to the fact that i see the lack in others. ive deadened that, willing to just gloss over it and, oh well. you cant expect anything from people these days. even people being humble in their car, and letting me go, or whatever, i sometimes meet with disdain. it pricks my longing and even though they cant see it i react ugly.

even around people i love and they care for me. like at work, most of the time i dont expect people to pour out anything for the benefit of me or anyone else for that matter. theres one woman who does, and when she stops you can tell... shes usually burnt out at that point,and she has one of those EXTREMELY long mom- fuses.
its just rare. and where does that sit in my heart....?do i want to be rare? do i want to pour myself out?
id like to say yes.

Pro 15:33
The fear of the LORD [is] the instruction of wisdom; and before honour [is] humility.
Pro 18:12
Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, and before honour [is] humility.
Pro 22:4
By humility [and] the fear of the LORD [are] riches, and honour, and life.
Act 20:19
Serving the Lord with all humility of mind, and with many tears, and temptations, which befell me by the lying in wait of the Jews:
Col 2:18
Let no man beguile you of your reward in a voluntary humility and worshipping of angels, intruding into those things which he hath not seen, vainly puffed up by his fleshly mind,
Col 2:23
Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.
1Pe 5:5
Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all [of you] be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.

i am intrigued now, but i promised myself id go to sleep earlier this night. i dont know that i understand the def of humility in the kj way. placing the thought of pouring myself out unreservedly into these texts/ contexts is a place i want to sit and think. another night.

::ok, one last thought. what is "voluntary humility," why is it different than regular humility, and why is it negative?::

im going to be randomly posting "bible stuff" - sorta doing a little study of doctrine/ theology. its going to be a discipline, actually studying the bible with the help of a book; and thinking.... this feels alot like school and i havent done it in a while. we'll see how sporadic i get:)

ive been focusing alot on what im giving and receiving in relationships. its become a checks and balances, and has been deadening. ive been screaming at God, with tears, saying why. this is all from a focus that ultimately just wants to make sure heather is taken care of.
there are places in my life/ being that i need to make sure are cared over, yes. but ive taken back again the right of the LORD to take care of me.
so - handing over the microscope thats been on my interactions with people. laying aside the part of me that wants to force others to take care of me in whatever way i think they should, and let them bless me with a surprise of caring for me well when it flows out of love and is on their timetable.
ive come closer to the reality of pouring myself. i know im a giver, but i always look at how i can give in terms of money. i feel like its more important that way somehow. but listening to the lady in my complex, sharing listening to adventures in oddessy with her, giving her that extra attention- this is a great gift, and honestly it teaches me sacrifice.


im making a conscious effort to paint regularly. :) its already really awesome!! Gods letting me see what purposes it has. some of the purpose, like giving me an emotional outlet thats on a different plane that speaking or writing, i used to shove to the side as not as important.
today- knowing how i feel after ive painted- it is now known fully by me that this facet of its importance is not to be taken lightly.

my most favorite number[26, for those of you who are slow]

i had the most lovely birthday weekend. when first presented with some of the people that were there, or some of the turns our plans took, i was wondering- sometimes flustered, sometimes mad, and sometimes elated. but looking back, it was perfect.
i got a full-ish moon lit night on the beach with some fire and good times, a morning of sunrise and God-gift of morning beach, sunglasses, and waffles.
i recieved bubbling laughter and the joy and entertainment of my sister and brother being awesome.
i got inventive and thoughtful planning from my da and the unwavering consistency of a nurturing mother.
noah gave me the joy and excitedness of being an equal, and enjoying doing things. im glad to protect him like a sister and leave the mom stuff to the moms. he shows up to me as a safe place for my hugs and leanings to land- i love having him around to shower my love for him on. i wish we were around each other more. im thankful for the gift of him exercising with me; he could be frustrated with my weakness, but he's not. and i love that he finds me safe to place his ideas, thoughts and frustrations in.
im thankful for the ways rachel is showing up as taking care of herself. it allows me to let her take care of me. and she is a wonderful caregiver. she gave me a soft place to land when all my disappointment, anxiety, and sadness culminated at the end of the trip. her taking care of herself and knowing when to rest has been restful to me and my joy for the purpose of her life is growing. i am super filled with smiles now that i can call her a friend.
jon gave me new things to try- one i didnt like, one i did[and am really pretty good at. allthough i dont know the worth of boasting a high pain tolerance]. im thankful that he sacrificed and brought rachel, and then again to take david [a guy who is at fort sam. friend of a mutual friend, we offered him a ride back]. didnt know it then, but i needed him to not be in the car on the way home. God had plans for my heart.
dan offered his fire skills, and they did not disappoint. he is always offering his presece and service, and it has always made me feel taken care of and a lady.
mallorie is always saying yes to entering life with me. she took good care of my cats- like she always does, and gave a day of her time, so close to her own birthday, to go to a wedding of a woman she doesnt know, and stay late to eat and have fellowship before a late drive back. and she never works hard at giving of herself; she gives what she can, and is kind to herself in letting the rest grow at its own pace until it can be given too.
jason wanted to spend a bit of time with me in my festivities. he couldve written me off when i didnt answer his messages, and just taken more time to be alone with his friend. but he didnt give up, and he spoke hopeful words. hearing hope from jason was beautiful, and called me to more life.
i dont know edward very well, but he loves me like a brother, and seeing that he lived in my house for a little while and was mothered/ fathered by my parents, i feel a connection to him that is easy and kind. he always brings joy to the moment with his african way of looking at things, and his wit. hes always interested deeply about peoples well- being, and its nurturing.
i am excited about having a new friend in david.
im thankful for dj and gabbi, and the easy friendship there. its so weird to love people deeply when youre not really involved in their lives. it almost doesnt matter that im not involved.
i was able to rest in a lovely big brother-edness from dj. ive known him since i was 14. thats 13 years.
getting to play soccer and not feeling ashamed for my lack of ability was , well, this: :-D
i revel in the pain of my muscles and knee; i have had fun with soccer and fighting surf. my heart is alive in places, and i try to quiet it. the people around me this weekend called those places out, and i let them. and then God gave me sunglasses. i was enjoying the morning on the beach, and found some fossil glasses. they are squarish and black, fading into a clear greenish- blue in the earpieces. it reminds me of water; theres also a rippled effect cut into the earpieces. i was happy about my find, and theyre comfy, and i needed them that day- it was bright. there is even more providence, though. i had other glasses with me. i wouldve worn them. but they are more uncomfortable,and i know towards the end of the day/ trip i wouldve rather suffered a bit than leave them on. but they were comfy and new and pretty and free, and all these reasons kept them near all day[ not to mention the fact rachel has an eyeglass fetish].
He is kind. on the ride home, rach and i were alone, and we started talking about my heart.
i dont usually let it get out of control or long winded.
in the past i had contempt for rachel being someone i could let hold my pain. she wasnt being kind to her own, so how could she be kind to mine? and i also would feel badly- shes been in so much physical pain, why put more emotional pain on top of what she already wades through?
but shes been in stages of growth, and has stepped into reality with me more frequently. and God has been softening my girl heart into a womans heart, allowing me to humbly and consistently cry my pains out in front of her, while still letting me feel safe behind those glasses. if i ever lose those glasses i think i might go into mourning.
i was going to tell of some of our travels through my heart, but i think i' ll let myself sit with them more first, and also this is long. tbc

i woke up this morning to a child screaming. consistently. i got up and listened and prayed. i didnt go outside. i think they were ok, i heard some people talking.
its a weird ambivalence
why didnt i go outside?

wheres the kindness to myself and others in speaking of pain and disappointment that has come about in friendships?
i think i know the answer. being face to face with someone and saying something hard is hard. and if theyre uncomfortable, it makes me just want to wrap it up and have it be okay.
gah.
next topic, somewhat similar:
speaking with a friend last night, i was left mulling over how i veiwed the situation we were talking about. its really easy for me to look logically at the situation. i dont believe i entered the pain and confusion that was being felt. in alot of ways thats good. but what about the part of her heart that was hurting. if i cant hold the parts of my heart well and be curious about what i need in situations im dealing with, how can i expect to be kind to those places in others? its easy to tell someone to do something. actually doing it myself- yea, right. again, here comes the fear. GO AWAY - YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!! my heart is bound up in Christ.

what do i need? its a good question. ive been coming up with some answers. one was apparent yesterday. i cleaned and organized my house, and have come to grips with the fact that it is restful for my soul, brings me peace, and keeps me away from anxiety/ depressed moments to have everything in order- and CLEAN.
simple. but now i know i need it to be kind to myself and others.
its actually hard to name what i need.
i can speak things i want deeply, but how does that link up to my needs? if im wanting something really desperately, theres bound to be a need involved.

this feels like a "finally"

pray with me my friends. just as you read this, you can agree and that is prayer. i am more willing now to do some battling. im tired of being afraid, and thats one thing that Jesus specifically says we have NOT been given. ask him with me, that my pride would be removed and i would not count myself above anyone that needs to have whatever from him that i am in a place to give. i mean, can i not prepare bags for the people i see on the street corners? can i not be ready? this is actually a place of fear above anything else. afraid that now i am responsible, fear that now i have to be aware of more pain around me. now i have to look people in the eyes and care about them. my heart is already there, breaking for people. but if they dont see it, whats the point? "be well and warm"
yea thats worthless.
and i know much can be accomplished through prayer- but do i even take the time to lift people up that i come in contact with? no, im more worried about how their painful interaction has hurt me, and did i perform well in what i did say to them- bleh.

i feel kinda done talking about the fear in that arena.
theres something else id like prayer in, and i think theres fear intertwined with it. but its more of being settled in tension. im constantly sitting in the place of wanting to be with another half. i also know this may not happen. everyone tells me i will marry, and im pretty sure of it too. but there are people that dont marry. and people told them the same thing. God hasnt told me i'll be married. but i still hope. i just would like to not feel this radar so badly. i dont want to meet guys and automatically rate them on the scale of possibility. it feels like im demeaning them. i want to see people how God sees them. yea, these are my prayers.

i feel dead in places. jon and i were talking - well, jon was talking [:)] and describing someone full of life. it felt very far away.

this took me on a little journey with myself. i was thinking about all the things i never do or say or try because im afraid of a bad outcome. im afraid of people enjoying me too- funny, thats something i want pretty desperatly, and am afraid of actually getting it. ive been more real at work lately. for being there day in and out, everyones proven to each other that family/ sisterly love that just doesnt really move. i have better friends at work than in my "social" arena. but it also comes down to- how good of a friend am i? oh, i dont want to sit on that merry go round right now.
i come to this place so often because i long to be heard, this is the one place i get to talk to all of you and you listen . i dont have to wait for you to ask . you dont have to work hard and wait for me to start opening up. everyones off the hook.
i want to quit worrying about myself and love people. but dang it, i cant do that well until i learn how to take care of myself. im finding more and more that i dont know where to start in taking care of myself.
i know less than i did ever before in my life- about how to live it out and about God. he feels very unknown to me, its kinda exccitng. but a little depressing. how much time have i wasted?
makes me think-
i set out on a narrow road, many years ago. hoping i would find true love, along the broken road. i got lost a time or two - wiped my brow, kept pushing through. i couldnt see how every sign pointed straight to you!
every long lost dream led me to where you are. others who broke my heart, they were just northern stars. pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. this much i know is true- that God, you blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you.
yes.
that song is big in my heart right now for all the truth. its what im feeling.

i would like to ask my friends who read this to be bold and speak truth to me- what do you see in me? name it in the moment! im so tired of not communicating whats in my heart. but i dont know anymore if anyone wants to hear it. s oif you see me shut down, say it. if you think im running away or acting like a jerk, speak up. and if this sounds like something youd like ot hear from me , lemme know. im tired of being silent- if you ask me to talk, i just might.

broken happened and now its the cycle for filling.

there is a lovely lady in my complex that loves children and knows all of them that live in the apts. she is a christian and i want to be like her when im older and im scared to be like her. because shes kinda weird and makes me a little uncomfortable/ awkward.
but shes living her life out in love for Christ and its real. and it comes easily(or maybe a better word is naturally?) to her. she pushed me in interesting ways.
shes going to be helping me with the bible club and so i asked her this evening to pass out flyers. she knocked on doors. she asked me to knock on the door. i just wanted to stick the flyers in there and walk away. i think she noticed my discomfort.
she helps with other bible clubs and the main "bible club" lady has made a comment that this woman seems to get overwhelmed with certian tasks- you have to give them to her in small doses. i experienced something else. i found a woman who knows exactly how she thinks something should be done, but is very willing to roll over for your idea, and is not at all in a rush.

this is going to be interesting. she and i, with one more lady from church, potentially 10 kids max and maybe some parents. in MY apt. i just dont know. this is going to be uncomfortable. and most likely freeing.
she introduced me to a couple that hosts alot of bible studies in their apt. they get my number, and i might go some saturday. they were the family that almost hosted this bible club. theyre just doing too much.
im worried i"ll end up doing too much. sheesh, what am i saying? i feel like im doing too much already. anyway. sleep is good. thats where i'll end up.

thank you HS Jesus and Father for holding me today. somehow they took away a part of me and replaced it. it might just be a healing replacement, to be truely filled later. but i am comforted.

i m sad and im tired and i full and i have no time for letting anyone be Jesus to me in any way that feels restful. this week is s ofull- im making myself do this so that i just dont emplode in my bed and make a mess, and freak my cats out, leaving them ownerless.
every day has had some busyness, and some of it my own doing, i'll admit, i told someone that slowing down is where you find God, and here i am feeling a whirlwind.
it pains me that we have so much doing in our lives. i "did" grace group tonight- dont get me wrong, i didnt force group, it was lovely. but coming away, i wish i felt accepted [insert gut wrenching sob over realizing my choice of word there]enough to stop and ask for a place to land. to even plan this. but everyone feels just as busy as me and i hate that. i hate that sometimes none of us stop. i want to be available to people, and i want to love them well. im getting lost in this thought of being there for eavh other. we all hold each others stuff.
dang it
im not asking anyone to hold my stuff. being responsible to speak up for myself. to ask. i hate it. i hate know somewhere in there is fear of rejection. i KNOW i wont be rejected. this is ridiculous. im tired. my nose is running, im crying, and sometimes i greatly dislike living alone.why does life have to be all this doing and going?!? im so tired.
some of its the doing and going in my mind.
bible club happens this saturday. theres a part of me that is sad that i am so afraid of something i desperately want. that i shove aside the joy in my heart about being in community with these families and loving the kids, and focus on the organization of it - and worry.that it almost feels like ive turned something i want to do into something i have to do.
its through an organization that has rules. the rules make me feel like i might do something wrong. i know theyre there for protection and continuity.
for instance- theres a possibility of children stealing stuff from me. welll, fine! why does it have to be brought up and get me worried about putting things away? it just makes me uptight and makes me start looking at these kids as little mongrels. why cant i just get stolen from and grieve the fact that these kids think they have to take ? as it is, im looking at the necklaces that i keep in my bathroom. some if them really pretty.
i go back and forth. theyre nothing. i really like that one. i want to be able to give them away if a little girl asks. but i paid for them and if i give one person something, im going to have to give everyone something. meh.
joyce called me today about the bible club stuff and sounded annoyed. i tried not to, buti took it that she was annoyed with me. i feel like im gonna have to answer to her for everything.
im really thankful for the free perio surgery that is happening the 16th, and for the time i allowed God to calm my heart. i wish i could give him all these things.
a couple people have given me information to hold that i feel i am not supposed to hold. one feels done out of ignorance, like a child saying something offhand andnot even realizing the implications. the other feels about the same, but with a weird self- gratifying cruelty directed at me.
am i the only one that has to bring up the hard conversations? am i the only one that stirs the pot? why cant people

im stopping that. im hurting people in my mind and degrading them.
i think im tireed of being safe. part of me wants to pull out all the stops and ram rod into situations and speak it like it is, wound, whatever. we can clean up later. and i dont really care if youve lost your leg. youve got another one.

but thats not kind. peopla ask me how i am, and i say good, okay; because if i tell them horrible, theyre expecting that i want to talk. but i dont even know what id say, and i dont want to make them feel badly for me.
some of the things in my heart cant be shared yet- and my heart i dont think had expanded enough to hold them.
im looking forward to putting flyers all over the approx 400 units in the apt tomorrow. seriously, i am. it will be mindless. may be i'll pray. maybe not.

im hearing truth. dang you, God. you never leave me alone anymore. there are parts to the body, and i cant go around being a dead part. crippled is something that is not true of my identity, and i have to let the other parts minister to me.



SHIT MY HEART IS BREAKING.
::it never ends, does it.

i am ready for church. im ready to relax in a place that is a feast for the soul. im ready to enjoy people that i know, and get to know others better.
i usually wear makeup when im feeling not so beautiful. when i feel i need some strength. i actually cant tell if im doing that today or not. feels like a glimmer of something true.

thanks sara groves, for the words that fit my heart
anna, aimee, and malachi spoke deeply into my heart this weekend. [malachi, you did too. your listening speaks.]
i didnt even know it, but i desperately wanted someone to walk around kindly in the places they did. now i sit with truth that is slippery.
LIKE A LAKE -sara groves
so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it
when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake
standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are
everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake
bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake
everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open
open
oh wide open
open
like
a lake