the lights twinkle, and i dont have that same glow inside, like usual.
many people i have spoken with over the course of this month have agreed- the Christmas "mood" or "spirit" doesnt feel the same, or isnt with them.
yea....
there are alot of thoughts happening, and im hopeful to get them all out cohesively.

i dont want to be happy just for the season, but i do want to feel the joy from my Lord. i have been upset about a  few things, and some have to do with Him. i had joy today, and some yesterday...i allow the circumstances to wreck that. just tonight, i came home tired, but it was ok. then i realized i had double scheduled something in january. argh!!  i get som upset with myself. how hard is it to follow a calendar, and tell people you'll get back to them..? apparently, pretty difficult.
whenever i screw up i tell myself thats why i dont have any kids.
its a stupid excuse. its not true. i will screw up when i have children :)
it feels like the more i try for rest and order in my life, the harder and more hectic it becomes. i just want to give up. going out of town for Christmas to corpus, and then for a day trip basically in the valley to see my grandmother, is stressing me out. i just feel  tired all the time. i know that allowing my circumstances to dictate my feelings is not right. and i also know that God loves me too much to not let this sink into my being. it looks like i will  be dealing with this struggle for a bit then.  bring on the hard stuff. lets go ahead and get through it. help me rest in you. i am tired. all this makes me mad. i dont know why living with you is so hard. this  life as a christian would be easy, if it was just suffer outwardly. i could handle that pretty well. but this inward stuff. it takes time and thoughtfulness. and rest and trust. somehow thats gotten hard for me to do lately.

a tear in the veil

a tear- like, something being torn.
ok.
there has been darkness covering me. and today it feels a bit torn. and light is coming through. ive wondered if i have depression...when i think about these past couple weeks, and the other times it has been like this, i think im more apt to believe there is spiritual fighting happening.
strange to think that my sadness in longing for marriage, and for purpose in my life so my passions can find an outlet, are attacks from evil. and really, they in themselves arent.
but they are being used. maliciously.
last night i broke out of keeping it together and cried in front of some friends. let them know how much my soul and heart have been grieving.
this morning at work i lost it and couldnt stop crying; i was trying to hide it and just review charts. a co worker had said something biting, out of her own stress and pain a bit before, and it just broke the dam. another co worker asked me how my weekend was, and my voice was all husky- i knew i wouldnt be able to just cover it up. so i cried and told her i thought maybe i was being spiritually attacked, since ive been waiting on God for real and liking it, and growing...this morning i read something that reminded me to not think it strange when there are attacks in our minds.
another co worker came in and prayed over me. today was good, got through. was able to rejoice in the sweet care of God. i keep bringing myself to speak of gratefulness. evils just trying to distract me and remove this peace that im cultivating! and its not going to win! i ask the Lord to fight for me. and remind me. i plead and groan for joy to be present in my life. those of you that know me more deeply, know the joy is there...but when co workers tell you they like you better on energy drinks, cuz youre more fun/ happier? something is wrong. [ i drank an all natural energy drink -vemma- at work one day and was so full of energy and silliness.i also couldnt go to sleep that night well.]
and i offiically love florence+the machine
back to the title......
i love that God ripped through the separation  and darkness that was between the perfect relationship that awaited us, and us.
i love that he ripped through this darkness today, and yesterday, and the other days, with his tender words.
he doesnt show up the way i want and he doesnt make it easy. but he does it right. and he does it perfectly.