somehow these past few years i find myself reading the beginning of luke, unplanned w the Christmas season. but there i am, shocked to find that i am again reading the story. that i somehow "stumbled" on it.
i like how luke writes.
and i was slapped in the face by this verse.
24 " After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant and for 5 months stayed in seclusion."

the kjv says
"And after those days his wife Elisabeth conceived, and hid herself five months, saying, Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on [me], to take away my reproach among men. And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth,"

is there a reason she stayed in seclusion and hid, until the month that gabriel went to mary to tell her about her role?
funny that someone would hide for as long as she could, the very thing that would take away her "reproach among men."
i wonder if she really felt the reproach at this stage in her life or not. maybe she was worried she would lose the baby, and didnt want to tell anyone, or maybe she just liked resting in the joy that God gave her with the pregnancy- like, wanting it all to herself.

it made me think too, how when God gives to us, has us conceive something- do we cherish it? are there appropriate times to be "hiding" and taking ourselves into seclusion?
this is as far as my brain has gotten.

sunday. i love this sunday

today is steeped in reality. like a truth teabag in my cupsoul.
ok, sorry.
had wonderful time w friends last night, GREAT sleep!, lovely rainy/ overcast/ cold day, good chats and meaningful moments with people at church today. real church was had these last two days. and i have felt myself be filled, and it has softened me and sharpened my focus. God gave me the thought of being conscious of other people only. of listening. of not worrying about talking about me. not worrying if i am feeling good. funny, when i focus on others, that happens anyway. i dont have to look out for myself.
God will take care of me.
ikki gave a sermon that left me in tears for a few reasons. obvious is, theyre leaving. i could kick myself for not asking for more time w tara.
exhortation. i know what God has given my heart in passion and what i want to see accomplished. im scared, though. i stood w some others today in church, admitting i know what i have available to me to be able to impact others with the reality and love of God, and admitted that i need courage.
if i dont call CASA by january, please feel free to do something dastardly to me. like kick me in the face with a nail infested donut.
yea, i dont know either.
my life begs for Gods ordering. God has been calling to me and calling to me to make time for him. reading not a fan. by kyle idleman, and im wondering about why i take the casual acquaintance relationship i have w God lightly. i sometimes get intimate when it suits me. but i am never committed. when im with a friend i can see, i dont just drop them and go hang out w someone else when they call. and i dont just give my friends the beginning sleepyness or last scraps of my day.
thats it for my life blurb.

my life

is fast right now! feels fast anyway, like theres a bunch of things asking for my attention and i wonder whats the best.
ya know, we ask God to guide us but then we make alot of ouor own desicions. at least thats what im pretty sure i do. all i can shoot for is having long enough time in his word, at his feet, so it becomes me. and i make the choices he has for everyone that are best for everyone involved.

last kids club had 15 kids!!!! over a year ago i wouldve had a heart attack. i remember hoping they wouldnt show up. i remember thinking 9 kids was exorbitant. theres actually 20 on the list that would possibly come.
it gets crowded in my living room
and i love it. i hate that our time is filled with stories and projects, actually. i wish i could just play with each one of them, focus on each one and let them know they are loved. i had to get on them for being crazy and not respecting each other or the speaker. it killed me. and we didnt have time for me to explain all that. explain that i love them deeply.
we're doing a bible study right now in the singles' group that is focusing on spiritual giftings and how we're living, lately. one of the questions was about our passion. i obviously have a passion for letting kids know they are loved.
i wonder if what im doing is enough. or is there more? i hate that some things get put on a scale- like, this is more important than that. this is a more greater service. but there is truth to it still. like, a child getting raped over and over IS a little more traumatic than maybe a parent overlooking their child on a regular basis. it seems to be, anyway. just depends on what the child does with that information. what they are given as tools afterwards- will they be tools to build up from whats been broken, or tools to destroy?
a vision i have had for a long time is working in an orphanage, and getting people out of the sex trade. these things make me cry like my whole family has just been brutally murdered. at least when no ones around. i can hide it in public. anyway. does God actually have a place for me in those things in the future? or is it just for me to work out here, where i am, with the children and people around me that have no father and mother that care about them, that have been wounded by societies misuse of sex?
i just heard tonight of a hardworking family in my complex were the dad works in the day and the mom works at night. from all outward appearances they love their children. but since no one can watch the little ones- or they havent tried hard enough to find reasonable daycare- they have locked their small children in a room all day while the mom sleeps. she IS at home, but in a way that assures she wont be bothered unless they yell.
my heart doesnt even know what to do with this.

i think
i hope
i want
i need

and im scared of finishing those sentences.

so, can all of my blog friends just be in one room together, and we all share life in real time!? --wouldnt that be cool.

havent been "here" in so long.... dunno what to say other than, can we slow down and have some tea?
can i slow down to offer life to people, to invite them? thats the real question. i dont know if its possible for me to do that right now unselfishly. im pretty sure im way selfish. God uproot that pls. thanks.
im writing verses on spiral- bound index cards. im creating a package of truth and exhortation and love. its harder to sit down and find all those amazing verses at once, so i decided to give myself time and trust that God would show and remind of those verses that are necessary.

the other day i felt that my life was small. i still feel this. i have a little tendency toward a cabin -fever type feeling that leaves me immobile. i see such movement and doing and change in other peoples lives and what i sometimes see as a lack in mine gets me all sad.
and God is faithful to remind me.
my years have not been wasted, nor will they be. but i do have the responsibility of taking what hes giving.
God just shed some light on something. grr. why do i have to hold peoples opinions in such high esteem!!!??
having people over is a joy for me, and i havent been doing it because i think "they" dont like my apartment. bleh. thats so sad and stupid.
do you ever feel that youre missing what God really has, and are just getting by with good things, and not the best?
mind renewal is important stuff, and is a constant need. pray for alertness.

i know im all over the place in this blog. its ok.
theres something i need help with, but dont know who to ask. like, literally. i really dont know who to ask about it.
lucian, the romanian guy, still has a glimmer of [well, maybe more than a glimmer, i dont know] hope about us growing into deeper friends and then love.
i really dont want this. i dont think its possible. not with where we are both spiritually. the place where i need help is, i need an older single guy perspective on how i should deal w him. or just an older person in general i guess.
do all men act like children? is this their fate?

ugh. i dont really want to end on this note, but i cant think of anything else.
oh! i am doing really great w the masturbation- havent wanted it in a long time, its lost its power! [thanks sam and taytay for having my back on that]

dont you just long to grow from glory to glory? dont you long for the ever - increasing life He gives?
my stomach is in a knot right now with desire.
i never want to forget my God, the truth about him, and the truth about me.
i cursed my bad memory tonight. not the lack of memory that Christ lovingly employs so we donr get overburdened w sorrow and all that such manner of thing, but the lack of memory that stops me from slowing down and speaking truth to myself or another. to just remember that theres more to this life than all these little things we need to work upkeep on.

ever -increasing wickedness reaps us shame and death. rom. 6: 19 -21. that bring us into a loss of sensitivity eph. 4:19 that says we need more of these desires that we are told will make us happy. im so tired of all these things and people. affirmation, friends[frantic need for company], hope of a husband, more money, more ministry, acceptance, some form of sex, love for myself in the deepest parts of who i am, desperate need to be known.
i . am. so. done.
i hate what all this does to me, and to others through me. my desperation to befulfilled somehow in this life cant be done by this life . and it will make me stupid unless i allow God to sanctify that desperation to himself.

ya know, we uncover our sin to excuse it, satan uncovers it to accuse it, BUT. Christ uncovers it to diffuse it.
btw, everything cool that im saying in this blog is all from beth moore. seriously. download the week 6 of breaking free. you dont have to be a girl to watch this.
so. Christ always comes lovingly uncovering, lovingly washing away, and then covering in truth.
i WEEP [if not externally, internally] every time i even think about holding a child in a towel after they get out of the bath.
they fight you to get in the tub. they want to keep playing. but dang it all, theyre dirty and they smell weird. and theres food in their hair. and then they remember its way fun to be in the tub bc they get to be THEMSELVES! theres no clothes! and theres fun toys that are usually special for the tub, and its warm and feels good, and they get nice quiet focused play w mom/ dad/ significant adult. when its time to get out, theres a really soft towel and some arms.
and this is the part i break down over. wish i could remember from my childhood, and desperately want to have as part of my life more.
theyre all warm and snuggy, wrapped up in that towel, and there are arms ,and a lap, and no hurry. and they cuddle up and are just held. . and for a moment your heart fills up beyond compare.
when my brother was little there was a very small time frame when this was allowed and welcomed by him. by the kids i have babysat. and i cherish it.
sometimes ive curled up on the floor of my bathroom, or even in my bathtub, all wrapped up in a towel and feeling cuddly, and i cry.. and i ask God to be holding me in his lap.
=he washes me clean without harping on me that i got so dirty. he spends time with me there. he gives time to let me be washed. and he wants me to ENJOY the process as much as possible in a quiet and intimate way. he wouldve cuddled w me dirty, but neither of us wouldve enjoyed it as much.=

i had that senario just above in general terms; into the 3rd sentence i realized it needed to be me.

most of the breaking free session is on the woman at the well. funny how i keep thinking i will someday get to the end of knowledge on that passage.
she makes a comment about at the beginning, when Jesus gets there, hes tired. and hungry. and after the convo, and she runs off, hes telling his disciples that hes full! he has food they dont know about! she posited that we fill our Lord up too, when we're in relationship w him. ive heard that before, but it blew me away tonight. he was weary coming near to her. yes, there was physical fatigue, but i wonder- did he feel the weight of her? the weight of her sin and sorrow and lethargy of life? in the ebb and flow of their conversation, she allowed him in. and she accepted truth. as she left, he says hes full- energized? ready for action in her life, ready to jump up with her and get this abundance going?! i think so.
when we're like- minded w someone it brings joy.
i grieved tonight over not showing up well. i hide my true emotions from people; even the good emotionS! yea, i dont dare get too happy about something risky, dont get too excited, you might look stupid. dont admit that you had hope and expectation about something and now its gone. dont tell your friend that what they just said actually knifed you.
thats pretty much it. and my cat is bothering me and i promised him id go out on the patio w him and brush and pet him. so bye

it has been a while

hi!
i feel like i dont have time to say all i want to convey. i'll just start and when i get worn out or its time to go to calebs birthday dinner, i'll stop. hows that.
thank you God for the rain. i love the fact that i was talking to a mom at work who is a believer and she was saying something to the effect that theyre predicting an 8 yr drought. whatever. i told her no.
and then it rained. true, we can still be in droughts when it rains. but God shows up when he needs to . if all our fruit gets listeria [ which btw why such a pretty name for something bad?] and all our veggies get some other great named nasty, there will be provision.

i keep getting told its going to get really hard. i keep trying to kinda agree and maybe not have to do as much praying as should accompany said hardships.
Gods breaking off bondages. and spoken to me about not passing on crap to my children. first, im confronted w the fact that i havent ever really seriously thought i might have actual chilldren, and secoondly- and i think more importantly- ive never really seen my spiritual children as real children, and ive definitely never thought that my generational sins and other sins ive agreed to, and my personal lies, would really effect others spiritually. that i could so impact negatively from places they may never even know about!!!
it was sobering.
whats also sobering is what im really going to start being mean about towards myself. women, i need your help. i would love to have you all in a room and be able to say this to you. specifically jenn, b[weird ive never called you that],tay, sam and mal. and mal.hahahah i just felt like i had to shorten everything. i cant think -- oh- and lizzy and leah. i cant really think of anyone else that comes in contact closely w me that reads this. even if youre far away though, id love some long-distance lovin and help.
please dont agree to this if you dont feel you can. but i need -desperately- to be accountable for how i am betraying myself and my future. namely the masturbation. if yall can strongly ask me how thats going- hopefully its not!!-- and be ruthless. and if some of you could commit to allowing me to call you in the moments i need to talk something out? this sounds horrible, but im not at the place where i can do that with God. i mean, ive tried and very few times its worked, but im not allowing it to be effective. im not strong enough. i need a very tangible interaction. im not really sure exactly if this is what im wanting, but i need to start being drastic with myself. i feel like theres too many nuances of bondage that are wrapped up in all of that. its been way too long, and i dont want to be 30, saying, wow. ive had this problem for about 25 yrs. not cool.
i need this to be so out in the open it makes me uncomfortable. and you know it takes alot for me to be uncomfortable sometimes. the darkness needs constant light shed. im so tired.
thanks for letting me say all that. again, i wont judge or feel slighted or let down if this isnt something that you can walk alongside w me in. its a big ask.
yea, im done. i'll talk about some other stuff later.

there is so much in my heart.
i walk around in these times, just telling friends and such, God is so awesome!
encouraging them and really believing Gods best for them, and feeling all chipper.
i dont make time to explain to myself what God is doing.

i talk to others so it will get heard, which is good- theres evangelism and encouragement in that.
but shouldnt i talk to God about what hes telling? have a conversation?
these moments when i really crave to DO things, and be moving, and be around people- i feel alive, but im shoving God a little to the side.
im excited that ive had a free weekend. its been really wonderful; i havent taken a free weekend for granted in a long time, and i dont think i soon will. im thankful for the crazy times, it makes me grateful.
but back to this. yes. feeling alive and doing things is good, but if i dont soak in what hes giving, its not going to be a part of my mind and heart.

i want to talk it all out to yall, but i think i just need to break out of this having people near and get somewhere different.

5 benefits.

this beth moore study is what my mind and soul need.

she extrapolated that there are 5 benefits to Gods children.
-to know and believe God
-to glorify God
-find satisfaction in God
-experience Gods peace
-enjoy Gods presence

i was hit like - i dunno what like. hard by something big.
im so not resting and living out any of these fully. which, in a way is ok. i mean, we grow and its a process. some of these really are fundamental and ive been a christian for a while now.
God wants for us what our minds have never conceived, our eyes never seen, and our ears never heard.
this is hard for me to believe. i have a HUGE imagination and think up all this really great stuff. things i think are awesome. its hard for me to wrap my imagination around the fact that his is bigger, and he can do anything--and also that the things he can do, he would.
i want to believe fuly that he has my BEST in mind. i want to seek him out so that what i think is best is the things that are really the best- glorifying him, loving him and others, thinking of others first...theres a slew of extras i could keep typing, but i want to get on to the glory.

my efforts in glorifying God are riddled w pride, and glorifying myself. [im not saying all this stuff to just put myself down, dont feel bad for me...God is def showing me the truth in some of the depths of my heart, and id thought to share.]
there are some verses that she had us look up, and it blew me away. Gods glory fills everything, he resides there, he wont give it to another, its a display of his ability and power, its his name, its his voice, Jesus came in glory, we are called by his glory.

the thing that hit me was, his glory shows up in his creation, and we are his creation. it made me think of that "God shaped hole" or "void"that we christians have talked about.... does his glory reside dormant in our souls, but somehow cries out to be reunited to the one that made us? he will not give his glory to another-- hes fought for us. and he won. and he continues to call to us, because he is rightly jealous for his people.
blew my mind. it gets better!

Jesus in us is the hope of glory, and we are ever increasing in glory!
this showed me how far i am from him, but also all the hope and joy that is going to be in the process of increasing.
theres a few lines that just hit me between the eyes, and im able to believe him a little more...:)

john 17:9-10
"In this context, Christ used the word glory to indicate wealth and riches He had recieved. No matter where you are on this journey to the glorifying, liberated life in Christ, you are His treasure. He does not want to take from you [bolding mine]. He wants to give to you and free you from any hinderance to the abundant and effective Spirit- filled life He died to give you."

i dunno where i got off thinking that hes taking from me. i mean, it does look like taking. but its always just removal so he can give. always giving. i dont want to hold on so tightly to anything anymore. my ideas, ideals, desires, dreams. i want to be open for the giving, and be grateful for all, every day.
im guessing the other 3 benefits will hit me just as hard, so until then...

found out 2 days ago that i dont really believe that Gods ever going to give me a husband [ i should say my, but ]
found out today that ive always looked at generational curses as something hurting my parents, grandparents, and me... maybe others around me- but never that i need to stop the cycle for my children. i havent believed that hed really give me children.

looking at some old friends' pics ....seeing how old their children are....
that kind of life seems so far away. so unattainable. one of my friends is getting a glorious house built with beautiful scenery surrounding, and her cute boys and husband,

and im painfully aware of these things being idols for me. and ive learned recently that i cant make my mind or heart different on this matter, and God has to do it.
i dont know if any of yall have ever noticed, but he never seems to do things when we want them done. how long is this going to take.
im reminded over and over my sin of ingratitude. trying to start speaking thankfulness about my life, and the people that ARE in it. thankfulness to the being and action of God.

im a little slow with whats new and cool. so this song is new to me. i get tired of listening to my cds and klove every once in a blue moon, and this has been one of those times. i cycle through country, jazz, r&b/techno/dance, and tejano. yea, you read that right. i kinda go through them in that order, too. country's always been the first go-to. anyway. we're not here to talk about country- although theres some really great songs out.
i heard this today and was able to let my soul sing to the Lord. and, yes, guys, its a romantic guy/girl song. the great thing about being a woman is that its just a tinge easier to sing love songs to God. because we have this inherited view of God being male [although he is neither gender and more. but thats another days' discussion].

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VyR7yoDBQSg

i was slow today, a good slow. there was enough time, enough chai latte, enough walking in the sun and sweating, enough of me feeling beautiful in a dress i love and hardly wear because i like it to feel special. there was a centered-ness, and a quietness. God spoke. thanks tim and jon for the book Redemption. there are things said , things being spoken to some deep places. i havent had time to write out all my reflections..
i have been here 5 years now. this is the weekend i moved here.
i remember the weird sterile type smell of the new apt i was in, the stark lack of furniture, trying to make the things id brought from my bedroom back home work a living room. the absolute NOTHING to do. sitting a few feet from my tiny tv, since it was my only friend.
journaling and drawing and using all the weekends with no friends as a place to heal from the wreckage that had conveniently just ended that summer back home.
i remember buying my first couch about a month or two later, cuz in my mind there was NO WAY id have my first Christmas here without a couch to snuggle on.
3 [kinda 4] apts later, way older, way different, and yet more of me.

this weekend has felt holy unto the Lord, its felt touched.
and im being sifted. kinda hard, looking at where ive really placed my hope and desires. God gives and he takes away. and hes right. and hes good.

im sitting here feeling quiet, slow, full of peace. and good tea. i made the last of this tea- i think i remember what it is. maybe i can get some more. funny, i didnt think it was awesome for a long time and now that its my last cup its great.
these past few days have had very little going and doing. very little errands or agendas. its been lovely. and i havent beat myself up for listening to songs on utube.
im memorizing ephesians 5 except for the end about wives and husbands. feels weird to memorize that. the first 2 verses of eph 5 have been stark in my mind and heart for the last couple days, in how they picture what my heart is supposed to look like and how im meant to love.
i dont think i want to be mean anymore. sometimes things come out of my mouth that are witty or sarcastic- but i think they hurt. i know there are countless moments things are said to me that i get a little bothered by, even though i know it was meant to just be silly. maybe thats what coarse joking means.
i want to go to bed earlier tonight. bye!

hellooooooo.....

quick major revelation. maybe ive thought this before, but it sunk in right now. and i have a huge question.

heres the ingredients.
lucian, the romanian.

heather, the 9 yrs his junior.
-habitually scared of actually being in a relationship
-habitually afraid of even engaging w older men for fear that something will actually happen.
[its too close and real when theyre actually ready for marriage]

allowing a 'set up' in a moment of single lonliness...i flipped out that night and couldnt sleep.

enjoying knowing hes interested
confused that he wasnt more aggressive
emailing- and im giving him very little because i dont think i want this and hes not trying too hard to ask me anything that i can respond to

he askes for my #
i respond with the barrage of thoughts that ive been holding- let him know how i experienced him, and actually telling him i dont thik its going to work out.

he responds back like a man.
apologizing for the ways he didnt show up, letting me know where he thinks he was being good. being sad w me about some things i mentioned.

that tugged on my heart a little.
and
im left with the question- are other people not super attracted to their spouses when they first meet them?
i want that experience of meeting some man, and just being swept away, and hoping hes my beginning of completion....the things about him physically that i dont necessarily feel an attraction to- they arent horrible or unworkable [like the ear hair!!!o.O]
so i think thats a sub- question i have.

the major question that came up now as i was typing up all my thoughts to stop the confusion was= will my life be [our life be] exceptional?
i have this (maybe grandiose)thought that when im married, my husband and i will be this super amazing duo--- is that just having way too high expectations?
like, suddenly purpose for our lives will become so clear and we'll be doing "gods work" , just what he planned for us, and it will be beautiful and amazing all the time.

or is that just me still thinking my life will be "better" once im married?

and the other part of this is pride. i want everyone to see that i waited, and i got this amazing man that everyones jealous of me that i have. i know thats ugly. you can just agree w me now and we dont have to talk about it and that will help me not delete it.
but please help me sort through my questions.
im considering giving this man a chance and its scaring the shit out of me.

logged on tonite for the EXPRESS purpose of telling yall i went dancing tonite. and it was good good. cant explain it
but i love it! why did i stop

last post i was in a good place, and told yall i would tell more later- but ive forgotten. heh. i dont piss on the israelites anymore for their waywardness. ive read exodus before and have thought- they are so stupid! cant they remember his goodness?! well, cant i ?
and is it so hard for me to see what hes done?
::exactly::
my finances arent as crazy anymore, so thats nice. im not having to work over them so much. my secret? not caring as much!! like, i would balance away and stress and plan EVERYTHING out as much as i could....bleh. now, i just am telling myself no way more in all areas, and pretending, when i get my paycheck, that thats all the money i have.
so now its slowly building. because theres some there that i "dont know" is there. i find it super hilarious that im psyching myself out, and i really know im doing it. how in the world does that work?!
subject change==============
theres been a lot of spiritual fighting lately, and its revolved around the kids club. i didnt realize that until today. its good to know that we're fighting. it looks like there is someone interested in helping, and we're meeting friday to talk it all out and hopefully get all settled.
i was getting so restless about my apt and my stuff, feeling the pull of wanting nothing to my name --seriously, how cool would it be to be able to put everything you "own " in your car?-- AND wanting a really nice house with alot of nice and well made things and be settled and invitey.

i still would rather live with someone, but it looks like i'll be on my own a little more, since kids club is most likely going to come together.
i think im going to have slumber parties when i feel lonely. i just thought of that right now. who knows if id actually do it.
subject change===============
that romanian guy has been giving me angry worrying rawr bleh. let me explain. i was able to talk it out of me just tonight to mallorie, all that im thinking about this. it was good. thanks mal for listening.
hes only talked about movies and 2 country songs that he likes. encouraging me to watch these christian movies, and only after the second country song link, asking me if i liked country... not what type of music i like.
he hasnt brought up any actual conversation that is worth having. keep in mind hes 37, has a job as a real estate agent, and has worked as an IT guy. he wants to make christian movies.

sounds like an interesting person. but he hasnt brought up any relational type of talk, just that hes glad we're friends, and he did that by a group email w a married couple that are mutual friends. and hes not given any interesting topics to talk about.
and have i mentioned that it REALLY bothers me that he hasnt tried to get me really talking about anything?
and then he asks me if i want to give him my number, so we can talk on the phone--- and im left thinking, about what? to just be friends? because i have enough friends. i dont need a 37 yr old single guy from ny to talk to randomly.. i barely spend time on the phone with other friends that im closer to and actually love because i know them.
im just so angry because i want someone to be interested in me like he seemed to be when he came, and then actually pursue me strongly where theres really open communication and i dont have to second guess if hes interested, and that its someone i actually am attracted to! i find myself getting tired and thinking about settling, and just letting this happen and setting all my joys aside and supporting him in his movie passion-- this is what this girl thinks about. and then i get depressed, because i know i cant love anyone well if im just throwing myself away.

need to find a balance of self- sacrifice that is good, while not losing myself. and that should come way more easily when i actually love someone.

i dont want to just not respond to him. i feel thats super ugly to do. so im stuck with, how to respond thats not evil- because i have that tendency, esp with all this ammo i just explained, and to still not lead him on.
i think im just going to let it chill a little longer. bah. i want to be able to just say, no, i dont want to talk on the phone. and leave it! but i want to explain. gah! ill start trying to give a good answer in my head, bc i feel people deserve answers, and its ugly to just not say anything, but every time i do, it turns biting.
ok, im going to just stop talking about this and let it sit for a few more days.
subject change===============
today was nice and slow/ steady at work! it was great. relaxing. i had energy coming home, and was mentally still going, and i worked out a *tiny* bit and kinda actually made dinner, read, did some papery things that needed doing, vacuumed.... just generally got caught up w my life! feelsgood.
so i keep getting so frustrated about this romanian guy.

Spirit has washed over me and reminded me of God through friends and other things this weekend. will give more later. thank you, my friends for listening and giving me your words from your heart, whether here or in person.

i feel really dead lately. like everyone else's lives are so worth it and theres opportunity, and thing to look forward to. at least right now. im looking forward to things in next year. thats so far away. and im looking there because there should be more money there.

i feel like my mom; she had to budget so strongly. but instead of 2 children and a mortgage, theres weddings and a car lease. id take children over weddings. ::i love my friends that are getting married, and love giving to them. i just feel like bitching::
guys, please pray for me. i have not "felt close" to God lately. i know i havent wanted to be close to him either. i have horrible discipline--read, "no discipline."

i felt him open my heart up again to creating. and screw it all, i have no money for getting some of the things id love to use in creating.
and i make stupid choices in buying clothes or other things andd forget that i want to save for the better things.
really pray for my heart. im so tired. i feel dead. im not in a good place to start kids club in a few months. i dont even know if i should do it, i dont even know if i want to do it. i feel im an ugly person. i hate the idea of disappointing these kids, or worse, turning away from something God wants me to do.
and a really dirty trick was played on my heart too. i dont really believe that thought that says once youre ok with just living your life and living what GOd has given you, your spouse will come.

but the other day, coming back from my vacation, i felt such a strong truth in my heart that i would be ok being single. and i revelled in that! i was so happy to know it didnt feel like an endless tunnel leading to me being one of those weird spinsters.
and then someone suggested i meet this guy, and my lifes been ugly hell since then! and i dont feel that presence of peace i had that day on the drive home. im very discontent.

and i cant stop my addiction of masturbation. i hate it. i want it gone.
i want to honor my body, and enjoy the fact that i am a woman and feminine and beautiful, without feeling like the only way to express it is that way.
i would love to redirect that intensity. its so much work- do i get up, when im tired and go paint, or bake something, or read my bible? i think creating is so helpful in those moments. i feel like the woman in song of solomon, in the nightmare. its so much work.
having a game night at my house tonight. i am going to be struggling w being my real self without pouring my SELF out for them to see. i think that would be too much for a game night with people i dont really know . how much of a mask is ok, and how much do i leave off?! i dont want to be totally fake and dont want to make anyone depressed or awkward/ uncomfortable.

loved my time at the beach.
i dont know how succinctly i have been talking about all the stuff happening right now. dont think i could. im not a succinct person. i sometimes wish i was; im make more sense.

God reminded me that "he" is "feminine" also. there is housed in Absolute Being- masculinity and femininity.
i am a fleshy display of the feminine of this Divine, and meant to live out femininity towards others. that our God would be experienced by ourselves and others in the sexuality we house is huge.
being on the beach helped me sort all my thoughts.
my time off helped me hear
--that i am beautiful
-- creativity was given to me and flows through me.
--painting and things of such nature that give me joy arent "less" in the "kingdom"
--i want to live by a beach. not necessarily cc
--i could move
--i could go back to school
--i can travel
--i can start doing those last 3 things in about 2 years, after lars [ my car] is paid off and i have a bit o money saved

been thinking on and allowing myself to dream... the red tent dinner topic has helped! dunno if its been super great for anyone else in the group!
this dreaming has made me open to more, and also given me a more level head about things. learning i can say no to ok, or good things, in hopefulness for great things .

soooo..... heres the story of the romanian man.
i was flipping out the other night. some of that was because i was actually thinking this might work and what a huge shift.
it felt amazingly out of my control to allow a possibility there. j.s., youve talked about control off and on and something always resonated w me but i never understood that i am majorly liking to be in control!!! some of you are prolly like, what, how did she not know that about herself. dunno.

my flipping out was the inability to picture what that life wouldbe like- w an older romanian.

the poss of being linked to this culture! it felt huge.
didnt sleep well.
my mom told me to be my BEAUTIFUL SELF in a text sunday morning, and i started crying. i cant remember her ever blatantly telling me i was beautiful aside from what i was wearing...etc.and i think then it was more, pretty, good, lesser words. and it shocked me to have that lightening bolt of unveiling. i hope to be able to keep that text until its burned in my core.

i felt pretty good at church
started getting nervous at the restaurant. he hadnt arrived w the clydes yet. i was just with the crumps. and thankfully they didnt talk about him before he got there.
my first thought was a let down, not as handsome as i had hoped. hes very kind to his mother. i actually liked her alot. hes shy, like i can be around guys. and that was hard bc he wasnt asking me questions or trying to initiate much. i didnt know what to talk about involving romania. when the people that have been there chat about it, or i meet a romanian, i feel at such a loss- like im expected to talk more about it and know more about it than i do.
we went with the clydes to bass pro shop.
hung out w e clyde and baby while waiting for her husband and lucian to come back from trying to shoot guns and ride a motorcycle. things he wanted to do in tx.
theyre thinking of moving the family down here and he wants to get into christian filmmaking. he feels very strongly thats where the next major push in evangelism is going, and we need to be there and do it well.
when he was talking about this at dinner i actually caught a smidge of hope and thought maybe...
but there were a bunch of things that werent jiving.
dont really wanna re hash that list.
but, 2 things i came away with.
i loved being seen as attractive and taken into consideration for pursuing.--with that, i deserve to be pursued better.
when i meet my husband, im going to know. not this eh, hes nice, cool, fill-in-the-blank. its going to be easy for me to begin being curious and searching out his heart because im going to want to. and hes going to bring stuff to the table thats worthwhile for me to enter into. not that these other guys dont, but for me personally.

theres a group lunch happening tomorrow and im kinda being set up to meet a 37 yr old. his mother is going to be there.
most of the people that are going know at least that he and i are both "looking", an we are in each others' age ranges and single.
awkward.


ambivalence.

i'll tell yall more later. theres some more- eh. lemme tell yall now; maybe it will get this pressing weight off my chest.
hes romanian and lives in ny- or maybe just from ny. i have 2 pimples on my face and i just pulled most of the fake nails off, but there are pieces i cant get off and it looks crappy.
i hate having people around when i meet a single guy. i feel like everyones watching me. its a stress i dont handle well and i tend to get brusque, flippant, ya know. im afraid to show if im interested.
i feel weird because hes older. i just had a talk yesterday with kels and her mom about gaps in "marital age" and how tenuous that can be.
im sick to my stomach. :::: k im better.

this didnt make me feel better like i thought.

::::edit!::::: just read the OHM blog, and she said this.
"I can still hear the call of both the hope and the fear. There is still time."
of course the whole post was good. this line made me break down and let out alot. i went and painted it on a canvas and felt some of my craziness go away. -- and i quoted it, so janet, youre famous. at least in my living room- and i accidentally hit the "o"! what if we called them our loving rooms?!?

lets just say its hard to live out a dream and a truth about yourself when the real world is happening around you, telling you that faster is better and you have to fulfill so many obligations and what your dream entails isnt important enough.
Absolute One is tugging at my creative soul.
today i pushed my hacked- up table next to the wall and propped the canvas up that way. id looked at easels, but didnt feel like i could get one yet. the cheap ones are a little too cheaply made; id like one that is sturdy. and maybe has telescopic legs. so this will wait.
i was textin w my mom today. she randomly tells me [after i lethargically started my creation] that my dad got me an easel!
this is what my dreaming has been up against my whole life .
her text: your dad got you an easel :/ [my thought, why the face?! id let them in on where id been. ALOT. prolly cost him 10 or 20 bucks and shes just tired of his random purchases, but really. 20 bucks. whatever mom.]
my response: cool!!!
we go back and forth a bit- she tells me that he actually found it in a vacated office that he was doing some work on, and it was broken, but of course he fixed it.
why the face?
it was and will be such a blessing! ive never used an easel before, ive always been on the floor or against the wall. alot of times i was out in the driveway, because im messy. which is ok.
it kills me that theres such a void in my mom about hoping, and liking things . she keeps her heart closed in this area. ive asked her about things shed like to do, and it always comes down to travel . seeing places. which is cool, but i know theres something deeper . she used to do photography. and she was good. i know theres more.

help! theres a cookie in my salad!

do you ever feel like that? like theres something that feels "wrong" and decadent mixed in something thats "good" for you?

and youre kinda taken aback, and wonder if its ok that the cookie's there? wondering who put the cookie there- to tempt or to bless?
you want the cookie to be real. to be ok to eat. ::maybe its a vegan cookie. with carob::

theres all sorts of things we put in salads to "dress them up" - why not just crumble the cookie up in there/ is that any worse? or just blatantly pull that cookie out and enjoy it.
our "dressing up" makes things more palatable- we're still lookin pretty healthy. still feels pretty healthy. and it is. but we really want the cookie. and when its put on our plate, we're not sure we can eat it. it has become a symbol of all thats bad. its not healthy enough.
im not sure where overindulging fits into my senario. so i cant go there yet. and yall cant help me cuz you dont know what im talking about, really. which is fine.
i actually just had this great title pop into my head and the analogy materialized very quickly after, and i had to get it out.

God is crazy by human thought.


hes been whispering to me..... and im thinking, can i DO that?! can i BE that?!

i am better now. sam popped over last night and sat w me:)
and today was good, and i ran and laid out, and have done no busy things since i got home. its 8. feels good.
and i want this poem to reflect me. i allow warped perception and sleep to overcome me too often.

it was cold inside,
i had no control, every limb
was shaking

my perception was warped,
i was falling down
with my hands
tied behind my back

until you spoke.

harsh words that snapped
me back into reality,
out off the fiction inside my head

it was an alien perspective;
having my eyes open at last
but i did not feel as if i were drowning anymore

so i chose,
i chose not to sleep
until i had a sense of my heart again

not to sleep until i had
reconnected with my honesty
and once i had immersed myself
into my soul
i emerged on the other side clean, reborn

for the first time in many months
i found peace
and i discovered that change
does not necessarily mean end

it can be the beginning or re-directing
that allows growth

to occur


untitled
--cyra dumitru

i always ask God for the harsh words so i dont have to listen as closely .

after typing this out, i desire to be able to say these things truely. first- person.

ready?

im done apologizing for who i am and ive been not blogging because i hear these voices that say- youre too depressing . no one wants to hear you. they are all encouraging and you should be a better christian. blahblah.
maybe i am depressing. im more cynical, and wary, and have deep moments of sadness that last more than a few moments.
i think im paraniod. actually im pretty sure i am. im very insecure and as ive allowed myself to not wear as much armor, the more insecurity i find and i feel ugly. so much is hinged on whether i feel beautiful on any given day or in any given moment. yesterday

yesterday. i will start at the beginning of that day s issues. a family came in that hadnt been in a while, i was like, oh!hi! i love when i remember people and have a connection to them. her daughter was very scared because they had gone somewhere else and it was very bad. she apparently had confirmed that we take the insurance, but not whether it was ppo or hmo. her husband came in when i was almost done and told her this; it was going to cost them about 400 dollars for both children to be seen. i embarrassed-ly [when the parents are embarrassed about money it makes me embarrassed] finished the cleaning because i was so close to completeing everything, and the mom said she would talk to him. i walked w her out to her husband, who was sitting at the checkout. i went to talk to the boy. then, the parents came up to us, and he had a paper in his hand. i had assumed he checked out. well. he had paid for specific services and that included the xrays and exam. which the dentist had to refund because i let them walk out the door. the dentist made light of her dissapointment and anger. i dont do well with that kind of thing, it leaves me assuming the worst.
k.
then i left, and knew i needed to visit my great aunt [sis]in the nursing home/ hospital shes in. i was feeling maajorly depressed when i came to the facility. she wasnt in her room, and the 2 ladies i was talking to at the nurses' station were being very unprofessional and making :/ faces back and forth to each other when they thought i wasnt looking. i knew to look for them because i make faces at my co workers. i decided right then i wasnt doing that anymore.
so they told me shed been moved. they implied to another facility, but i have a hard time believing that. her condition was way not stellar.
so left there feeling completely yucky not knowing whether to go ahead and grieve her death or not. called my grandmother, her sister, to get some 411 and SHE hadnt talked to her nephew OR great nephew since i had called her about sis getting a feeding tube 2 weeks ago. i alerted her about that also. i still havent heard back from her what happened. she probably hasnt called yet.

came home so tired, watched a movie so id sit still but not sleep . it was too early for sleep.
after, went to target for toothpaste, pads and a pillow. i felt WEIRD there. the world felt weird. i was wondering in my head at all the uselessness of this life and wondered at the people shopping. it was so eerie. my vision even felt different. i was not dressed prettily at all, and was brought to tears when both times i crossed the crosswalk, people blatantly stopped for me- it was premeditated, not like, oh, theres a person there. but oh, that person is walking out of the doors and im going to slow down and stop before shes even in the street.
it smacks against my lie that i have to be beautiful in some capacity for people to like me or take care of me.
i fight the thought at work that no one really likes me.
today someone i consider a very deep friend hurt me. im going to tell her tomorrow, i just didnt have time today. i love the hair color im sporting now, and out of the blue she remarked how she wanted me to wear my hair blonde so that i could get married within this next century.
that was a slap in the face one way.
tonight i came home to crime scene cars in the parking lot. the lady that lives here and has helped me with kids club called me to make sure it wasnt me. she said she was worried because of the pretty dresses and the scantily clad things i wear too; worried that something had happened. not sure how it was related, but at one point she said, you arent married yet, right? [ i guess joking ly since i had been out of town to a wedding?] and then she said good! it hurt. there was enough pause between that and her telling me to wait for the right one that it did its damage.

i am SO thankful that God gave me grace to truely show my love and happiness for cj and shelley these past 2 weekends. its hittin the fan now.
ive been talking to one of my guy friends from corpus over fb, and was encouraging him to come visit tx, and then this last time i told him the dates of my vacation this summer, just in case anything coincided. he hasnt written back and i feel so gross.

and i have no money. i have been killing my self being on top of balancing my checkbook and not doing certain things, and cutting back on my giving too. painfully. that kills me the most. and still, i am overdrawn every paycheck and have had to ask for help.
i cant spend any money this weekend literally. there is none. im gonna be taking money out of my fund for paying my car off so i can put gas in it.
there are boxes and piles of things in my apt, as i am trying to get rid of stuff. this is going to keep me inside all weekend, im thinking. and im toying with the thought of just getting a little more messy and painting in the middle of the room and not giving a shit if the cats take paint everywhere- because they will.
i think thats it.

im full and thoughtful and feeling like i never have enough time.
shelleys wedding was lovely and i love them and love what their collective life is and what it will be, and hope for so much for them.

some one told me today- in different wording- that maybe im just supposed to be praying.
this summer is so jacked from what im used to. i want to be DOING> and the whole resting and lesser doing and actually being responisble with little things that people dont see, and being beckoned to read the word, and pray, and thats enough?
i dont know how to do this. but im going to stop typing and try this thing.

missing the connection of heart, soul and whatever else could be between me and my parents right now.
broken over their emotional constipation , and lack of desire to venture. lack of desire to take the time and expend energy on feeling their thoughts and finding the words to fit.
hating where my voice is snatched in the presence of fear of a misunderstanding or flippant brush-off.
hating watching my brother in the battle of wanting them to be more present, and not knowing how to ask for it, and wanting to be present himself, but only having the latter part of me and vignettes of other family members to work from.

im so glad my brother is away. in colorado, getting primed for an encounter w God. i agree with your perfect timing, Sir.
im also thankful for whatever physical thing my dads going through. getting blood work done to find out... i thought he might be having mild seizures. funny, he didnt seem to be ok with slowing down to see if God was trying to get his attention with this. there just seemed to be fear and just wanting it gone. not giving him any pain , just weird, unknown uncomfortableness.

im jealous of my friends and that things are happening in their lives. ive felt so stuck. and the getting out is slow and not so excited. but i want to be excited.
i think i just thought, by now, id have more of a handle on the bigger picture. but hes not letting me see it yet.
i AM looking forrward to celebrating w shelley and cj.
and i THANK GOD i havent been weepy and depressed about all this lovely marriage happening around me! so glad i can actually revel in their joy with them.

i got over my fear of being around/ talking to my downstairs neighbor. hes an older black man, probably my dads age. hes a vet, and has some health issues and is handicapped. at first, he would talk to me and watch out for me and i kinda felt creeped out. i liked that he called me baby girl and felt a little protective over me, and hated it at the same time. i can finally admit that sometimes i thought he might try to proposition me. he had made what i felt were inappropriate comments in the past.
something my dad said the other day about guys hit me hard, and i wanted to cry. he actually vented his frustration to me about the fact that [he as speaking about past experiences more, because he doesnt really know completely how i interact now ,but its still close] i dont give guys a chance and i just think guys are out to get me. well, alot of things swirled in me to say in response to that, but i held them all.
theres truth there. and i decided i wanted to break out of that fear more. pj was a safe place. he invited me to watch a basketball game and i was free- so i did. 2 other older men were there, one from our apt complex so i sorta knew him. and it was fine! im still alive and they werent lewd towards me and even curbed some of what i think wouldve been their normal conversation.
granted, im not going to make a habit of hanging out with 3 grown men ages 35 ish- 50. but it was awesome to tell all the little fearful voices to shut the hell up.

we rip people apart at work, each other included.

i dont want to do that anymore; God give me joy and peace and hope to speak.

last treatment for bed bugs tomorrow. and then we see. and wait. and try to not be paranoid.

honestly, yall, im so incredibly tired. this whole thing is huge. and im getting rid of stuff. if anyone is having a garage sale, lemme know. im going to make myself part w some books and movies, to start. i just am so sick of stuff.its a picture of our souls, i think in some way. and yes, in that respect i see my soul in its beauty and quirkiness, but theres all that clutter. bleh.

im going to continue as soon as i can , with everyones ok, the kids club. hopefully thats be fore the summer ends. i have some ideas about it looking different.
all of this has me guessing if i should continue. Gods gonna have to slam the door harder in my face if its true i need to stop!
i dont know how to convey the un- done ness of what my life has felt like. its distanced me from people, i feel, and yet opened places for people to take care of me.
its removed my old view that rest can only look one way.
its shown me i have way more stamina and capability than i thought. i probably have more, but that will be shown when i have kids.
i havent dealt w my addictions in a couple days . i like that.

entirely different thought- the more i try to be present for the people around me and such, the harder its become . just to be present for others and focus on them when i feel my life is just a bunch of things i have to do to survive and maintain - its crazy! its the hardest thing! i feel like i understand how a homeless person feels.

know when you read something and your heart leaps and tears come and you just have to stop reading and cry, and prepare yourself to finish reading Gods heart toward you?
just had that.
when i really stop to think of how he uses whatever he wants to get through to us, im in shock of the crazy.

"Don't lose hope, my lady. Remember that you rest in him, and he loves you. When you came to him, he poured out blessings upon you. He promises his continued blessing. I don't know why this paralysis has come upon you, but I do know Jesus has not abandoned you. He will never abandon you, my lady. This may even be his way of drawing you closer to him. Seek his face. Listen to him. Remember who he is, our comforter, our strength, our counselor, our healer. Ask what his will is for your life. He hasn't taken you home for a purpose. He will reveal that purpose to you. It may be that God has done this thing in order to give you a greater commission than one you might have assumed for yourself."
--hadassah, An Echo in the Darkness by francine rivers

soooo, my hope is renewed! i kept telling God, i just need help.
i just need help. i cant do this on my own.
well the apt manager gave me some options to stay in another apt while im waiting for the txment to work, and last night the maintenance guy helped me self spray. its just good to know other people understand what im going through.
[they had them too]
tomorrow night the real deal is gonna happen. and ive gotten the place REALLY ready; im super awesome at this now. if you ever need someone to clean like paranoid, im your gal.
a little boy that has only been to the kids club maybe 2 x was at my stairs today- almost looked like he was waiting for me. i dont even remember his name. but he asked when kids club was happening again, and he gave me a hello and goodbye hug.
if thats not proof i need to stay/ try to stick it out, i dont know what is.
my decisions dont make sense to the people i work with. they dont make sense to me sometimes. but i trust that God has my life and everything in it.

please be in prayer w me. i need to hear from God and have peace.
this is about bedbugs.
my parents came today and we had a really relaxing wonderful time! noah, my bro, is going to colorado for 2 mo being a leader/counselor. so he had to get fleecy stuff, long underwear, a backpack, some shoes. we spent hours in the quarry- he and my mom mostly in whole earth provision.
we came back to my place and started talking about bed bugs. my dad is coming next weekend to fix my dryer. also, at that time[ well technically before] im going to be making a decision about moving or not. this entails me talking to my apt manager/ calling my own pest control because i think the people the complex are using are worthless in this senario-world wide pest co or something. they are too busy. hence talking to my manager. pray this goes well- i dont want any of this to leave a bad taste in her mouth concerning christians or God.
i have no money for pest services too, which is a hard spot because technically since i have verifiably [sp?] had them, they are supposed to pay for the txments. so...do i go with them again and have it be free, or just drop them and have someone else thats better?
there just needs to be alot of communication and i havent been wanting to do research and communicate.
if i move,


i dont even know what to write after that. theres so many options of thoughts i can put after that comma. please pray for peace to know Gods best in all conversation and that i would weigh everything and take time to really hear whats being said and that God would speak through me and to me.

i would love my summer to look like children and friends coming over to my house and being loved on. going to romania; doing / being for others .

so far its looked like being more by myself/ alone than id like, not being able to pour into others in a way that feels so natural and easy for me.
so far its looked like staring straight into the face of something i desperately want and cant seem to grasp. 4 times [ so far as i know]
my paradigm, MO for how i live, outlook, whatever you want to call it-- is being royally screwed with.
i dont think id mind so much if i didnt feel at such a loss. i dont feel like -well, actually, im not- anywhere near cooperating the way i should.

i believe that the things i do stop what Gods hopes are for me. sin can ruin things, right?

i dont know how to get out of it. i never have.

this sounds so completely depressing and i cant say anymore and i cant delete it either.
im excited for the summer because its different and i know its changing. but if the whole fucking reason is for me to just be alone with my problems and God- to not feel like im having any outward purpose towards others- i cant handle this.

its hard for me at times to find words to what im feeling
its hard for me to slow down and listen to them
funny, for someone that wants to be known- to not give themselves enough time to hear themselves.
im tender and wanting people around.
but its not what i need.
its been hard for me to not invite people over because of the bed bug transmission possibility.
i have been spoken to strongly and clearly today by a God who loves me and wont give up.
i may tell yall about it concisely in another blog; most likely it will leak out.

im going now to find/meet with Someone whos been waiting to have my undivided attention for a WHILE.

wow. i havent been "here" in a long time. feels weird to not have more of my life documented here.
bed bugs may still be present. spraying again myself this weekend.
a couple people suggested moving and i felt that was an easy way out and an abandonment. i dont want to run from my problems . and , that being said, if we cant get this gone by the time my lease is up- oct- i think i will move.
i suggested that if maybe the problem continues, we would have to do more extensive work. theres a part of my manager that feels like shes still in denial with how serious this could be. but i cant force anything and ive been thankful where this has created a voice for me towards her.

saw my cousin stock car race saturday night----OH MY GOSH so much fun!!!! i never thought id enjoy something so inherently redneck.
it was awesome to spend time with her and it was WAYYYY too short.
the next morning we sleepily had breakfast w her boyfriend at the waffle house. i love breakfast out. thats my most favorite thing to eat out. its just so fun to be so sleepy, and its sunny, or not, but mornings are always beautiful, and you get up and out for the express purpose of eating great food and lounging while sipping coffee......its just amazing .
tomorrow one of my dear co- workers is taking me to lunch at audens kitchen and i hope to find something breakfasty. if not, some coffee will have to suffice.
maybe thats why i enjoy coffee and tea so much! its the whole morning aura of cozy morningness.
ok.
so ive been taking time to be with the Lord, and after that great breakfast time, i went to memorial mall in houston because i had nothing to do for a couple hours before going to chat w shelleys mom about the wedd.
had church in the mall. it was perfect, and desperate. reminded me why i was alive . i was struck with the fact that at the very least, God wants to LOOK at people and SMILE at people and let them know their wrong order at starbucks isnt worth the sigh and scowl at the barista that has more than their drink on her mind, and that theyre cherished by someone far more capable than me , but i'll do what i can.
i wish for rain, but i forget that the river runs deep and i just have to dig to use it.
i held a baby today and she was so comfortable. its rare that a baby will let you take her completely away from her mom, sit her in a weird chair, give her a toothbrush, and shes ok with it all!
i found out why im shy to go up to babies and ask their moms if i can hold them. it hurts.

as much as i want to read everyones blog and get all caught up, i need to put all the love out that has just been slathered on me today!!
EVERYONE at work wished me a happy birthday- i thought that was so cool! it was like they were really hoping for wonderfulness for me .
i got some really wonderful unexpected gifts and im still just blown away. today- TODAY- i received over 300 dollars.
how is that even possible!? and some from my sis and bro- in- law, and they dont have alot. totally giving to me out of their lack and loving me well.
i got to see them which was so amazing.
all my friends got along at dinner:-D even though they didnt know each other. thats truely beautiful to me and there felt like so much joy in the room.. maybe it was just me. but it was so good to feel.
im standing in awe at this turned tables- right after all this difficulty im having w the kids club and bed bugs and thinking about all this stuff i have to do monetarily for the summer...... and all my worries just vanished today. the kids stuff started vanishing sat nite. my summer has expanded w more possibility because of that and im wanting to do bible studies and thinking about mentoring at colonial hills. but something just feels greater. like bigger. theres so much more to our lives than what we think God wants to do. i am getting a taste.
its like the cake jes brought to celebrate me tonight. it was double layer, coconut icing. the actual icing couldve been a cake in itself. it was stacked.
it was so over the top and definitely could satisfy 30 people. it weighed 5 lbs 6 oz. thats more than me when i was born. it was extravagant.
today was extravagant.

i have to tell yall this. so, sick yesterday, right? recovering my strength today. went pretty well. i love gatorade. really do. its tastey. bad for your teeth. drink it in gulps and swish w water right after.

beside the very cool point. WHY/HOW is God doing all of this at once?!
ok. went wedd dress shopping w linds, and lo: behold.
she found the dress today. that like, never happens. usually never. and hardly ever at davids bridal, in my experiences w friends. that took up a good portion of the day. im really trying to get to the point.
thinking about weddings and all the things that ask for money with them.
i love giving physically. its major for me. i have this much >< money.
i started off crying in bed about how much of me and i of him we are missing. that grieves me beyond anything lately.
it went to being SO frustrated that i cant give as much in presents and such - i cant lavish on my 2 best friends --pause for crying
and i wondered[thanks God]what part of this was selfish.
apparently a good chunk! dont want to have to pay attention/ be responsible w money. its wearisome. takes too much time to balance and plan.
the other part is deeper.
theres a generational curse. both my grandmothers found a place to love us through money and giving. one, for my whole life - and just recently her funds are not what they were.
the other , she always would take us out and buy presents- not crazily so. then when my grandpa died she had all this money and was this amazing benefactress. she loved being able to buy us whatever we liked. it truely gave her joy.
both grandmothers found this as a way to make sure people stayed around.
my lie is this. if i dont give, people wont love me.
its ok to receive from others and not pay them back ::shudder:: theres so much shame there.
i broke the lie tonight. but i 'll bet theres layers.

might be tmi for some.

had a lovely gg time where lots of pushing was happening, exploding revelations. breaking freer from lies.
i almost did a role play. decided against. mostly because it wouldve been unplanned and i dont know that anyone in the room couldve handled being the sounding board. at that moment.

i came home joyous for the things that were broken into, for myself and others.
i came home decided about the moments when my addiction tries to grab hold of me. i will find a special journal. i will put all connected to this addiction there. my conversations w God. i will take time to slow down when my addiction wants to play. and i will sit and wonder. ive let God in just so far about this. its mostly been asking him to take it, and / or sitting knowing he still loves me - and doing it anyway.
it hurts my past and keeps things locked away- im pretty sure. i dont have all my memories.
it hurts me . now. it hurts me later. it hurts my future husband because its isolating. and husbands dont make anything better or go away. theyre just people stuck in your mess. same w kids .
and i want so badly to not be afraid to speak to my children about everything or anything. and maybe i will be afraid. but i want to do it. i want them to hear [at an appropriate time] that their mom is human, and that she has screwed up alot. and she gets scared , and probably tired of being a mom all the time but that doesnt change her love for them.

i woke up sick today, and was frustrated because things need to get done. i feel better now. over the course of the morning[6-11] i threw up/ diarrhea-ed 3 times. i think as we get older , being sick hurts more. i remember being sick as a child and dont remember hurting so bad that i was crying and wanting to rip out my stomach.
took alot of little naps in which i was always sick and couldnt really move, but there were things to be done for the weddings. like, it was the day of. horrible.
i ate about 6 raspberries, a piece of toast, and some oj. along w alot of water. all day. i figure not eating and letting my intestines rest until theyre hearty again is a good thing. im not going to worry about eating because i think i need it; im going to eat when my actual stomach feels hungry. im going to stop weighing myself at work, im going to stop wondering when i'll gain weight. i'll stop trying so hard to gain. i will let myself be tiny and try to love that.
ive been in a pretty good place w this, but it just needs to go away. i cant have it trying to become my "safer" substitute addiction.

its going to take time to let God really speak to me. time i dont allow myself or him to have . but i do want it.
these next 3 months i have 2 weekends open. 2. some of these weekends have multiple things ive agreed or wanted to do. this is not counting the weeks of kids club.
some of you might think this is fine/normal- whatever. its not. its not for you, its not for me. life doesnt have to be so fast. we all know theres things happening for us during the work week, aside from work. God asks us to rest and i for one dont listen most of the time.

GOING CRAZY OMG!
2 FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED WITHIN 3 MO OF EACH OTHER.
MAID OF HONOR FOR BOTH-[awesome, thank you, wouldnt have it any other way. my 2 closest friends]
PARTIES TO PLAN.
KIDS CLUB NEEDS A MAN.
LEARNING TO TEACH WELL. IM NO TEACHER. I HATE THIS MOLD GOD IS SHOVING ME IN.
ROMANIA. i think this one is the least of my worries. it will feel like a va-cay with everything else.

::hm. wonder if theres trying to be distractions here.
someone reminded me of something so importante. if i dont have time to cover it in prayer, maybe i shouldnt do it.
i dont think that its an - i dont have time to pray. but will i decide that the prayer is more important than the doing?

my life is going to change. i hear HS's whisper to risk a new kind of life, one without addiction.
it scares me; i have no idea what my life would look like, feel like. its always been there, along with the far- reaching lies that go along with it.

God had me stumble on a thought today.
my joy is really circumstantial. i hope for rest and joy in Gods goodness beyond what is happening in my life right now. i want to find joy and be interested in loving people well.
part of me has always thought, if i love on them, theyll love on me back! esp in christian circles. and that is the case at times. most definitely not all the time . but they wont. if im really to follow Jesus, its to love not demanding anything be returned to me, to know its all for the edification of others. cant do that on my own. but the revelation is nice.
curious about how these 2 things are intersecting.

something's happened this evening. something rare. i made coffee. and im going to drink it. at 8 30.

in my defense[ sad defense], its decaf.
im having a sourcream donut w it- my fav
::does that negate the fact that im having less caffine? wonder how much sugar is in there.

this is a need to feel cozy.
house sitting for some friends over the weekend stirred up MUCHO longings. this of course, happens right after the longings chapter in book two of the grace group trilogy- -- i just feel like there should be 3 books. so theres a trilogy in my head.
i was so so so grateful [voyeuristically] for a garage and a balcony porch and greenery to look at in the morning and a dog to walk and a kitchen with as much storage space as MY WHOLE APT(maybe more) .....i could say a few other things but i think you-- oh no, wait. a great wonderful large size washer and dryer and a garden tub. ok. now im done with the list.

last grace group one of the ladies prayed. shes an expert pray-er. its real, and thoughtful of the people in the room, but doesnt seek to impress and doesnt strive to remember. just a thoughtful heart pray-er. real at the same time. not afraid. she mentioned longing for the garden.
their house[ im tearing right now in the weight of it all] felt a garden.
it spoke faint rememberances into my soul about what i really want to be in my life. i fantasized about having an open- door policy all the time, hosting parties and being able to offer my home and bed/couches/ floor at almost any given moment.
i have such tension in my life ; wanting to invite always and having to quiet the offer sometimes. or change it to be accommodating. (rabbit-trail confession. i use dictionary.com not for the defs, but for spelling. used it 2wice already. if you guess the 2 words, i'll give you a prize. serious. it will most likely be food. unless you have a suggestion. and is it weird that my donut just then tasted of a chicken strip from dairy queen?!? i used to get chicken strips religiously + a choc extreme blizzard from dq right next to del mar in cc on my lunch break. those are still my 2 fav things there.if im not careful, they totally RIP my gut. but theyre so tastey. )
ok. so.
living w tension....loving a taste of what i would like to offer people in my life later on. loving how it calmed me. loving that it called me awake and outside and to God in the morning. how. to. replicate.
im settling a little better in my apt. it scares me because the last time i got really settled and feelin good, i moved. i dont want to move just yet, for kids club sake. it wouldnt be the same if i didnt live here.
anyway tho- im settling. it seems to be a getting older thing too, because all of a sudden im not ok with everything decor- wise not matching. slowly being remedied.
theres this painting thats half way done going on my wall, and a clock at target i absolutely love and will be so sad if its not there or bought -up by the time [ehheheheh!] i can justify getting it.

and ive been speaking lately, letting myself be heard more. there comes a point when its nevermore others not listening,its me sabotaging. and it releases me and others. i dont demand anymore from them in my heart- and the lie that they dont really love me hasnt a chance.
maybe in hell it does.
chatted w shelley just a smidge tonight, and we talked about her and cj, and upcoming amazingness. and then she had to get off the phone- and i was completely ok with not talking about me at all! it felt so cool and wonderful and free.
feels odd to end on this note. but i cant think of anything else right now. sugar in the donut mixes w decaf and shuts my brain down?

i would rather just sit and read my friends' blogs, and enjoy.
but i must type myself. i say that because my brain is reeling and i need yall to support me in prayer this week- hopefully you'll read this! and, i just need to get it out.
i am now a bridesmaid for a friend who is getting married friday. yay!!! very glad to be a part of thiss, even though i will be running around a bit!:)
and im going to be a mentor to a non christian romanian, while learning the language skype- style.

tomorrow im hanging out w devon and then having a meeting w the ladies that help me w kids club. somewhere in tomorrows day i need to find some time to call some dillards stores, make sure they have this dress for me to try on and hopefully get to the store after the meeting, have it fit, and buy it then. i also need shoes and a purse, and probably should go buy a strapless bra. i know, tmi. suck it up.[heres a little more tmi. i have this skin out break thing thats been going on for about a month and just finished a round of bactrim that didnt help and now i have diarrhea. apparently a common after -the- fact side effect. ]
wed im having lunch w a friend, then dinner w my gracegroup. so maybe some shopping can be done that night. thurs is the rehersal (sp?) dinner, then the wedd fri.
sat is kids club, and if any guys [or you know any guys]who know how to play the guitar want to come alongside for songs- lemme know! pete velasquez really thinks it would be good to have some music, and also for there to be a guy.

and ive made a commitment to learning romanian! and in so doing, answered a prayer request. maria was talking to marsha walenta, i think, wanting some sort of mentoring going on through the internet. they couldnt come up with anything definitive, and then marsha just said- 2 women, to step up w a heart for mentoring. thats what we'll pray for.
and we actually prayed for that tonight at the goodbye time w maria ciorba. after, i asked her what she thought was better; rosetta or another venue for learning the language. so it went very quickly from there. now i need a camera and a skype account. im such a weenie about all that stuff.
Gods pushing me in good places. reminding me that HE orders my steps. it will all work for the good of him. and such a blessing- he gave me time yesterday[and the discipline/ desire!] to sit down and lay out the kids club lesson. i NEVER get that lesson done before thurs nite, hardly ever. it was pretty much done yesterday. i just need to meet w the ladies tomorrow and iron out some very simple points.
dont put off for later what you can do right now. thats the take- home. i can be such a lazy butt, and God shows up all the time, displaying perfect timing, when i am diligent.
i prayed tonight at the meeting for fear to be removed in christian americans and romanians, specifically. for distrust in our God to be removed. i was praying that for myself more than anyone else.

cooked chicken this afternoon. i was going to invite people over to eat; glad now that i didnt. what i thought might take 40 min took about 3 hours . dont ask. im not sure.

going to a hockey game this afternoon/ evening. kinda excited, never been. i think i like sports more now as im older. i appreciate them more, and theres something in there about knowing i could do the sport, if i had wanted. my feelings of ineptitude as a child with anything group sporty made me pretty much detest all sports not swimming or running. sad.
anyway. romania is real. a friend today asked me multiple times- are you going? is it 100% ? i was like , sure! yea, i mean, if i get the money...
later she asked me again. i had to really really say, yes, im going. there was something in that exchange that felt like peter and Jesus.
i was wavering, wondering if i should start saving as much as possible to contribute to the "fund." i was going to - and somehow, after today God showed me my lack of trust in him. not just in the area off finances, but how that just spills out everywhere once we give it a foothold in one place.

i dont want romania to be just another thing on my list of to-dos for the summer. its squeezed in between kids club, and weddings, and parties, and supporting my cousin in her stock car racing, and other things. my mind is so full.
on a personal note, ive blatantly disobeyed Gods word, and this is the first time i dont feel distanced from him- and guys, it was violent- and the first time i have no idea how to be different.

how do we get to those moments of broken posture? i seem to just stumble into them. id like to go there purposefully sometime. im wanting to go there purposefully this time.

ive been pessimistic lately. [duh. right? sorry. and thank you for everyone that has been near]

weird epiphany, that ive always known but never given clarity to - i can have tons of joy, hope, and celebration for everyone else but me .
that needs to change.


next thought-
today was good!! i made a conscience decision to be glad about my life and my day and the people around me, and focus on them. and i had some really great convos w people at work, and one REALLY encouraged me. shes semi new and i found out today shes a pretty strong believer- from what she said. unless shes just spiritualizing her break up w her fiancee. which could be the case. but i think not.

last night i read some bible ::go me!:: and stumbled over this psalm i know ive read before. KNOW> because its right before 119. and dear Jesus, you know when youve gotten to that one. and you feel horrible for skipping over it cuz its boring, and then you think there must be some hidden amazingness, otherwise why is it here? and you read it. [ive done that w leviticus and numbers and such, too. ]
psalm 118. it would sound familiar to you. its known for the first and some of the middle.
im going to put out here the things that jumped out and grabbed me by the heart
in my anguish i cried to the Lord, he answered by setting me free! what can man do to me?he is with me and my helper- i will triumph over my enemies.
it is better to take refuge in the Lord than ot trust in man. it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.
i am surrounded, but in his name i will cut them off. i am surrounded, but i will cut them off by the name of the Lord. i am swarmingly surrounded, but in the name of the Lord i will cut them off. i was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me . he is my strength and my song.
the Lords hand has done mighty things! [X3]
the Lord has chastened me severely, but he has not given me over to death. i will live and not die, and proclaim joy and victory.
his love endures.

the repetition really poured into me.
my enemies of doubt and shame and filth and just all the freakin lies are not enough to kill me- and i have a warrior on my side! the warrior from which all warriors are formed.
id rather sometimes he fight for me in different ways. but he knows all of me and still chooses me because he is beautiful in his decisions.

its barely 8

and i feel so drained. in a good-ish way, though. had a really nice resting time in cc, got my nose re pierced, saw gnomeo and juliet w my sis, and got to bake in the sun a bit at the beach w my bro. my parents were having their anniversary weekend in port a. oh! and i also got some great chatting time in w grandma. to be able to slow down and spend time w family. to not have any major agendas. very needed.

there are constant battles going on. i know yall know. i've just been hit with that over and over again. reading wild at heart helped; God was showing up randomly too, reminding me and filling me. there have definitely been battles going on in my heart.
the other night i was painting and feeling really horrid. super horrid. and when i paint in that state, everythings black, blue, purple, brown...you get it. and theres no actual picture. just shapes and stuff. but it feels better after. so i cleaned up my brushes afterward- and glanced over at the living room floor where the canvas still lay.
a shock of fear hit me. what before looked like nothing but randomness to me had turned into my heart, producing a black flower and a dragon reaching out and snarling at it. it sounds way cooler than it looks, and if you happened to look at it, it prolly wouldnt jump out at you like that. well. maybe now that i told you.

anyway. it was scarey and i put it on the porch. its still there. i dunno what im going to do with it- yes i do. i'll paint over it eventually.
the lies that have been bombarding me and still do are a torment and a battle and i know theyre unreal. im so thankful i'm starting to see the blatant fighting for my heart that God has been a part of in the last weeks and days. its clear. it was hard. and i didnt help much. i couldnt. or i felt like i couldnt. its still going to be hard. God reminded me i need to fight and speak for others. whats that going to look like ? me being intense.
me being more of who i used to be, before i started listening to people tell me i was too much. that i needed to tone it down. and probably i did then. i can remember definite moments when ive been intense and not loved the people involved.
i think a good word for me to replace "intense" with is "intentional" - thats more what i mean.

i wonder if this week i find out if i go to romania. actually, id better find out!
so weird- to feel completely drained and somehow ok. somehow GOOD. to know rest is going to come at a good price, albeit slightly unknown price.

i go silent when i feel like/when i know im disappointing someone. i didnt know i was so effected by my failure, or projected failure.
the words just dont come easily.

ive been overeating. i told some friends last night, and one of them actually told me it was ok, after i said i wanted to eat more the other day, and did, even when my stomach was literally hurting.
i felt very alone. and they watched me eat a burger, a hot dog, good [bad] amount of chips, and a pint of ice cream. i stopped myself from picking up the last hot dog.

today i am mindful about food. i still dont feel like i completely know the reason. but i do know i need to stop.
i do know i woke up very sad today. didnt include people at church, didnt make a huge effort to talk to people. some were uncomfortable w this.
listened to the song by third day today at church- dont you know ive always loved you? ...etc.
cried, loved that it felt like God was singing to me. later, reading t's blog right now, she has jj hellers' love me for me on there. listened and cried again. this time realizing its not enough for me right now. i hate that. told God its nnot enough- his love, if its all i need, why doesnt it satisfy me? why am i still completely and gut -wrenchingly discontent, and wanting a mans arms wrapped around me?
its a hard place to sit. i know my desires are good. i feel like they somehow "get loose" and run around crazy destroying good around me.

solitude

another friday of solitude. didnt talk to any friends verbally, and the people i did talk w was short and over text. when you dont talk for most of a day, it makes it harder when you do. i had difficulty talking to the starbucks ladies. like, getting my point across.
i woke up very sad - i think melancholy is a great word. lets use that. it fits better. woke up to the kids playing in the ice. i was happy for them, but it made me want to stay in bed longer. not helping was the weird- ass dream i had that i cant remember now.
::been having completely technicolor and involved dreams for the past week and a half now. im kinda tired::
i was wondering at my lethargic poutiness. some of it had to do w the fact that i knew i wasnt really going anwhere today and that i was going to be in solitary confinement! the other part was that i wanted to go play w the kids but knew that would be WAY weird for them. some of the kids i can talk to and kinda hang out w easily outside of club, others are awkward and dont know what to do w me.
solitude is restful. and i ended up getting things done, and still had hours of free time that i filled w a movie and walking. its so much better than what i usually do- speed up and go crazy, get everything done"faster"--found out today probably not much faster-- and then use the rest of my day to wind down, but not really get to sit in rest.
taking things more slowly makes me more apt to be disciplined. [::woot.
no, no, though. really. its good. i do like it. esp since i was hit in the brain w the fact that im older and shouldnt have a problem w this.
im really liking the discipline of getting the kidsclub lesson done now. the lessons are easier to do, and the one for tomorrow is fear vs. faith. hah! God likes to teach me at the same time, just sayin.

things looked at

as you know[ well, if you read the last blog, that is], im looking at rest and solitude.
i dont like being by myself for long periods of time and i dont like to feel like im being missed.
i was aware that i desperately wanted to be around people all day, and thankfully in Gods mercy[and maybe grace] he gave me people all day. it was nice after the day of solitude i had yesterday.
i dont like solitude. rest, ok. solitude- not so great. it shows me all these things that i have to DO around the house, whereas when im not trying to rest, i can be going and doing outside. i dont mind resting in a house/ apt when theres people around. i can be solitary and quiet and get things done really well when i know someone else is around.
it just had megaphoned to me that i am alone , and couple that w the feeling/ maybe a lie, maybe true
that will really didnt find me important enough to continue risking with or pursue. didnt feel it important to talk out the things that supposedly were the reasons for breaking up.
the beautiful redemptive places are there. and i am truely thankful.
it doesnt cover up the fact that there were also knives straight to my deepest lies and woundings.


ive been going fast and shallow lately. all of this slowed me down and is reminding me that i always need to be aware of my heart, and what i am believing there;what God is saying there.

this season in the singles group at church we're looking at "how to wreck your marriage while still single"- this morning i risked speaking of how i act towards guys. its the truest ugly i know about myself. [will wasnt there.]
ive noticed it with guys, i wonder if it shows up other places.
i am a chameleon. i will become whatever is needed. i will be anything, if only you'll love me.
ive jokingly yet truely spoken that i would be a really great candidate for arranged marriage; i could easily become anyones wife.
this hurts me to think i havent prized who i am enough to fight to show who i really am.
i dont slow down enough to know/show what im feeling most of the time, like in conversation with someone that doesnt already know me.

this morning we looked at selfishness. i see selfishness in my chameleon tendencies, and in other places . selfishness is a hard thing to look at.

thanks yall, for your love.
actually talked things out w will today, and it went great! im so thankful for this friendship. i had time to think about everything that was said by him in the email, and some of it needed to be heard by me. some other things did need to be explained and talked out. it is very good.
i feel taken care of by you all, and also by him in these places we've walked through.

funny how this stirred up right at grace groups, and im really interested in something that came out of all this. something that couldnt have been revealed by myself. its only something that shows up in relationships.
and it got me thinking about all the crappy and great things that happen as we walk out life w one another. we arent meant to be alone. although its good to rest and find solitude:)

but with life, we only learn by interaction and reaction. impressions and marks. taking time to look at someones face, listen to the words, respond, show our face. ask for forgiveness and give mercy and grace . receive. to be small and quiet and be good there, not just ok. to be louder and fight for the hearts we come in contact with.
to look for who someone really is - not just who theyre showing up as in the moment.
to call them out in how theyre showing up, and asking for more.
i like that we have to get messy here. i like that we are clean in Christ. i like[more like love!] that He is ok with messy, because his clean is more.

updates

-will broke it off [im having a hard time saying "broke up" because im sketchy on the "together"-what is dating, exactly?] last night over email. feel free to call him a coward.

-he mentioned things about me that actually are making me think and have opened some new doors of thought....

-....just in time for grace group! started up tonight. Gods gonna take me to some of those good/ hard places, i can feel it.

-asked will for a time to talk things out, since this was out of the blue [for me]. felt like he misunderstood me in a lot of places. talking this weekend. pray that i am heard, and that i can speak truth to him and make him curious about himself. and that i'll be kind to both of us.

-i wanted someone to do my body outline this time. but i dont know who to ask. feeling alone.

just started reading wild at heart tonight. ive wanted to pick it up for a long time, wanted to buy it, knew it was worth reading. something always stopped me. i know a couple of occasions were dictated by the feeling of weirdness for buying it.
i think i always held out to borrow it from someone. linds k moved recently- and just a block away from me! i helped her put her books up the other night. and asked her if i could borrow it.
she had some hesitation in her answer and i felt myself tighten. and i realized how badly ive wanted to read this book.
i got to this point in the second chapter and had to stop. Gods reminding me of his amazingness. hes so incredible and i wonder that i forget hes more real than me, he lets me in on this adventure, he loves risk, he created me a beauty and he fights for me. and then i can fight w him in this - alongside my God. sharing his adventure.
yep, 2 chapters in and im overwhelmed. looking forward to this week a little bit more now, just knowing i have more of this book and his heart to explore.

"wait- itll go through to my heart- youll kill me"

these are words that came out of my mouth in a dream. last night i was somewhere, doing something with a girl. it was quiet and easy. it involved nails. like, hardware.
suddenly, though, i realize shes actually slowly pushing a 1.5 inch diameter nail through my sternum. the dang things about a foot long. shed been working on this for a while and it didnt really hurt, there was just mounting pressure. what ended up coming out of my mouth wasnt fearful so much; i mean, she couldnt just crack through my sternum that easily. but if she kept it up, i knew iit would end in bleeding profusely, and pain. she assured me very calmly and quietly that shed make it go "up," and then something to the effect that it would be fine. that calmed me somehow and i sat there, letting her push away. and then the dream ended. i woke up with a tightness/ weight on my chest. i was like, ok, weird dream.
tonight i was laying in bed thinking and the weight and tightness is with me. its still kinda with me . i got up about 30 min ago and decided i wanted to paint. i wasnt sleepy, anyway. painted out this weird dream. doesnt look cool. its simple and plain. a chest, with a very badly constructed nail, and words.
it helped ease me some. i wouldve rather painted something lovely, something happy. the weight isnt gone. and God is silent.
i want to make this about me, and my little life because i was in the dream ,and it was happening to me. i ask him to bring some meaning to my dreams sometimes. i dont know if he ever does. sometimes i'll have random flashes of premonition in my dreams, and so things like this scare me. ::not that i think someones going to shove a huge nail in my chest and i'll just go along with it!::

but i just am in tune with wondering what it means.
im worried im making wrong choices and i dont know how to find peace about it. im worried about getting hurt. God hasnt stopped me from really bad choices before; i had decided on them and wanted them. and i didnt listen. i made a show of listening. i used words to God that said i wanted to follow .
now that the senario is more "right," im more worried about not being able to decipher whats ok. its like ive done this before, but not. im fighting lies all the way.
telling me im wrong, im doing things poorly.
that the things that are said to me arent true.
that im more invested / deeper emotionally than he.

im afraid this isnt going to work out and i'll look like a complete fool. i get this picture of being in a public place and being told i am completely wrong about him, and everyone seeing.
im afraid to show my joy.
i want to be brave .
i dont want to lead.
i want to wait.
i want to rest.
i want to enjoy.
i want to have these good things, and not get distraught and focused on all the negative.
i dont know how to communicate. ive never been so quiet and shy in my life. this all is making me think of the first verse of a sixpencenonethericher song. actually, the first verse feels like my heart right now.

I guess you could say I'm a little afraid
What if you go away?
I've seen it before
I've been there before
If I have to love myself
Tell me how to love myself
What's there to love about myself?
I just wanted to see that as a person you want me
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you

I guess you could say
That I want you to stay
'Cause you have this strange knack
Adds a glow to my black
As you chase it all away
And I hope that you can see
I will someday leave these things
I am waiting to be free
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you
Oh, I want to catch you