things looked at

as you know[ well, if you read the last blog, that is], im looking at rest and solitude.
i dont like being by myself for long periods of time and i dont like to feel like im being missed.
i was aware that i desperately wanted to be around people all day, and thankfully in Gods mercy[and maybe grace] he gave me people all day. it was nice after the day of solitude i had yesterday.
i dont like solitude. rest, ok. solitude- not so great. it shows me all these things that i have to DO around the house, whereas when im not trying to rest, i can be going and doing outside. i dont mind resting in a house/ apt when theres people around. i can be solitary and quiet and get things done really well when i know someone else is around.
it just had megaphoned to me that i am alone , and couple that w the feeling/ maybe a lie, maybe true
that will really didnt find me important enough to continue risking with or pursue. didnt feel it important to talk out the things that supposedly were the reasons for breaking up.
the beautiful redemptive places are there. and i am truely thankful.
it doesnt cover up the fact that there were also knives straight to my deepest lies and woundings.


ive been going fast and shallow lately. all of this slowed me down and is reminding me that i always need to be aware of my heart, and what i am believing there;what God is saying there.

this season in the singles group at church we're looking at "how to wreck your marriage while still single"- this morning i risked speaking of how i act towards guys. its the truest ugly i know about myself. [will wasnt there.]
ive noticed it with guys, i wonder if it shows up other places.
i am a chameleon. i will become whatever is needed. i will be anything, if only you'll love me.
ive jokingly yet truely spoken that i would be a really great candidate for arranged marriage; i could easily become anyones wife.
this hurts me to think i havent prized who i am enough to fight to show who i really am.
i dont slow down enough to know/show what im feeling most of the time, like in conversation with someone that doesnt already know me.

this morning we looked at selfishness. i see selfishness in my chameleon tendencies, and in other places . selfishness is a hard thing to look at.

thanks yall, for your love.
actually talked things out w will today, and it went great! im so thankful for this friendship. i had time to think about everything that was said by him in the email, and some of it needed to be heard by me. some other things did need to be explained and talked out. it is very good.
i feel taken care of by you all, and also by him in these places we've walked through.

funny how this stirred up right at grace groups, and im really interested in something that came out of all this. something that couldnt have been revealed by myself. its only something that shows up in relationships.
and it got me thinking about all the crappy and great things that happen as we walk out life w one another. we arent meant to be alone. although its good to rest and find solitude:)

but with life, we only learn by interaction and reaction. impressions and marks. taking time to look at someones face, listen to the words, respond, show our face. ask for forgiveness and give mercy and grace . receive. to be small and quiet and be good there, not just ok. to be louder and fight for the hearts we come in contact with.
to look for who someone really is - not just who theyre showing up as in the moment.
to call them out in how theyre showing up, and asking for more.
i like that we have to get messy here. i like that we are clean in Christ. i like[more like love!] that He is ok with messy, because his clean is more.

updates

-will broke it off [im having a hard time saying "broke up" because im sketchy on the "together"-what is dating, exactly?] last night over email. feel free to call him a coward.

-he mentioned things about me that actually are making me think and have opened some new doors of thought....

-....just in time for grace group! started up tonight. Gods gonna take me to some of those good/ hard places, i can feel it.

-asked will for a time to talk things out, since this was out of the blue [for me]. felt like he misunderstood me in a lot of places. talking this weekend. pray that i am heard, and that i can speak truth to him and make him curious about himself. and that i'll be kind to both of us.

-i wanted someone to do my body outline this time. but i dont know who to ask. feeling alone.

just started reading wild at heart tonight. ive wanted to pick it up for a long time, wanted to buy it, knew it was worth reading. something always stopped me. i know a couple of occasions were dictated by the feeling of weirdness for buying it.
i think i always held out to borrow it from someone. linds k moved recently- and just a block away from me! i helped her put her books up the other night. and asked her if i could borrow it.
she had some hesitation in her answer and i felt myself tighten. and i realized how badly ive wanted to read this book.
i got to this point in the second chapter and had to stop. Gods reminding me of his amazingness. hes so incredible and i wonder that i forget hes more real than me, he lets me in on this adventure, he loves risk, he created me a beauty and he fights for me. and then i can fight w him in this - alongside my God. sharing his adventure.
yep, 2 chapters in and im overwhelmed. looking forward to this week a little bit more now, just knowing i have more of this book and his heart to explore.

"wait- itll go through to my heart- youll kill me"

these are words that came out of my mouth in a dream. last night i was somewhere, doing something with a girl. it was quiet and easy. it involved nails. like, hardware.
suddenly, though, i realize shes actually slowly pushing a 1.5 inch diameter nail through my sternum. the dang things about a foot long. shed been working on this for a while and it didnt really hurt, there was just mounting pressure. what ended up coming out of my mouth wasnt fearful so much; i mean, she couldnt just crack through my sternum that easily. but if she kept it up, i knew iit would end in bleeding profusely, and pain. she assured me very calmly and quietly that shed make it go "up," and then something to the effect that it would be fine. that calmed me somehow and i sat there, letting her push away. and then the dream ended. i woke up with a tightness/ weight on my chest. i was like, ok, weird dream.
tonight i was laying in bed thinking and the weight and tightness is with me. its still kinda with me . i got up about 30 min ago and decided i wanted to paint. i wasnt sleepy, anyway. painted out this weird dream. doesnt look cool. its simple and plain. a chest, with a very badly constructed nail, and words.
it helped ease me some. i wouldve rather painted something lovely, something happy. the weight isnt gone. and God is silent.
i want to make this about me, and my little life because i was in the dream ,and it was happening to me. i ask him to bring some meaning to my dreams sometimes. i dont know if he ever does. sometimes i'll have random flashes of premonition in my dreams, and so things like this scare me. ::not that i think someones going to shove a huge nail in my chest and i'll just go along with it!::

but i just am in tune with wondering what it means.
im worried im making wrong choices and i dont know how to find peace about it. im worried about getting hurt. God hasnt stopped me from really bad choices before; i had decided on them and wanted them. and i didnt listen. i made a show of listening. i used words to God that said i wanted to follow .
now that the senario is more "right," im more worried about not being able to decipher whats ok. its like ive done this before, but not. im fighting lies all the way.
telling me im wrong, im doing things poorly.
that the things that are said to me arent true.
that im more invested / deeper emotionally than he.

im afraid this isnt going to work out and i'll look like a complete fool. i get this picture of being in a public place and being told i am completely wrong about him, and everyone seeing.
im afraid to show my joy.
i want to be brave .
i dont want to lead.
i want to wait.
i want to rest.
i want to enjoy.
i want to have these good things, and not get distraught and focused on all the negative.
i dont know how to communicate. ive never been so quiet and shy in my life. this all is making me think of the first verse of a sixpencenonethericher song. actually, the first verse feels like my heart right now.

I guess you could say I'm a little afraid
What if you go away?
I've seen it before
I've been there before
If I have to love myself
Tell me how to love myself
What's there to love about myself?
I just wanted to see that as a person you want me
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you

I guess you could say
That I want you to stay
'Cause you have this strange knack
Adds a glow to my black
As you chase it all away
And I hope that you can see
I will someday leave these things
I am waiting to be free
But I'm feeling the pain of all these bags in the way
And I'm thinking you're just gonna run away
And I can't catch you
Oh, I want to catch you

i just realized one of the sides of my kitchen countertop facing the table is unfinished. shoddy. oh well.

having my tree sit here, staring at me is so "limbo- ish" - like i cant get out of Christmas. im waiting to recycle it. that happens saturday. woot!
kids club is going to start up.
hopefully grace groups.
will i have a "boyfriend" this year?
romania might happen for a week.
multiple friends have mentioned trips.
shelleys getting married.
so, it kinda feels like i am in limbo. some smallish things, to be sure. some bigger. none to pull my hair out over. [thank God that hasnt happened!] my main thought actually for this year is-- will i follow my Lord?
seems odd to me that this has been the burning thought stringing all these other things together.
last night i lay in bed unable to rest my mind- i was so desirous for a knowing. to know that i can hear Gods voice clearly. to know when hes leading.
not all the things i listed, but some, need preparation. like kids club. it needs weekly preparation. and i did a bad job last year. thats the best truth youll get about that. thankfully God doesnt need us to do good jobs. i fought him so much, i wanted to be the leader. i wanted things to go the way i would like them to. i wanted to be able to give the stories/ lessons with my ways of teaching and relating.
teaching is hard. teaching is solely for the other person. if you try to do it your way, so that its easy for you, it robs the "learners." call me slow, i just have never thought about this. i say i understand kids, and i still think thats true, but i dont completely understand how kids learn.
every week with club, i would dread it, get through it, and be glad i did it. sometimes i would even feel that it went well.
im hoping to be given a joy for teaching. or at least the patience to understand how to teach well.
we're having our first meeting tomorrow night, maybe thats why this is on the forefront of my mind.

my hope for grace groups is there- since i havent heard anything, its kinda dying. im disappointed in the seeming lack of interest in getting things moving.
romania feels far away. no pun intended. i dont know if my presence for just a week could be worth anything. i guess that sounds like im shortchanging God. pray w me in this. should i go?

everything else is kinda fun stuff.
it still takes up brain time.
ive been desiring to be in prayer more, and feeling distant there too. course its always us, never him.