im sitting here feeling quiet, slow, full of peace. and good tea. i made the last of this tea- i think i remember what it is. maybe i can get some more. funny, i didnt think it was awesome for a long time and now that its my last cup its great.
these past few days have had very little going and doing. very little errands or agendas. its been lovely. and i havent beat myself up for listening to songs on utube.
im memorizing ephesians 5 except for the end about wives and husbands. feels weird to memorize that. the first 2 verses of eph 5 have been stark in my mind and heart for the last couple days, in how they picture what my heart is supposed to look like and how im meant to love.
i dont think i want to be mean anymore. sometimes things come out of my mouth that are witty or sarcastic- but i think they hurt. i know there are countless moments things are said to me that i get a little bothered by, even though i know it was meant to just be silly. maybe thats what coarse joking means.
i want to go to bed earlier tonight. bye!
31 August 2011
26 August 2011
hellooooooo.....
quick major revelation. maybe ive thought this before, but it sunk in right now. and i have a huge question.
heres the ingredients.
lucian, the romanian.
heather, the 9 yrs his junior.
-habitually scared of actually being in a relationship
-habitually afraid of even engaging w older men for fear that something will actually happen.
[its too close and real when theyre actually ready for marriage]
allowing a 'set up' in a moment of single lonliness...i flipped out that night and couldnt sleep.
enjoying knowing hes interested
confused that he wasnt more aggressive
emailing- and im giving him very little because i dont think i want this and hes not trying too hard to ask me anything that i can respond to
he askes for my #
i respond with the barrage of thoughts that ive been holding- let him know how i experienced him, and actually telling him i dont thik its going to work out.
he responds back like a man.
apologizing for the ways he didnt show up, letting me know where he thinks he was being good. being sad w me about some things i mentioned.
that tugged on my heart a little.
and
im left with the question- are other people not super attracted to their spouses when they first meet them?
i want that experience of meeting some man, and just being swept away, and hoping hes my beginning of completion....the things about him physically that i dont necessarily feel an attraction to- they arent horrible or unworkable [like the ear hair!!!o.O]
so i think thats a sub- question i have.
the major question that came up now as i was typing up all my thoughts to stop the confusion was= will my life be [our life be] exceptional?
i have this (maybe grandiose)thought that when im married, my husband and i will be this super amazing duo--- is that just having way too high expectations?
like, suddenly purpose for our lives will become so clear and we'll be doing "gods work" , just what he planned for us, and it will be beautiful and amazing all the time.
or is that just me still thinking my life will be "better" once im married?
and the other part of this is pride. i want everyone to see that i waited, and i got this amazing man that everyones jealous of me that i have. i know thats ugly. you can just agree w me now and we dont have to talk about it and that will help me not delete it.
but please help me sort through my questions.
im considering giving this man a chance and its scaring the shit out of me.
heres the ingredients.
lucian, the romanian.
heather, the 9 yrs his junior.
-habitually scared of actually being in a relationship
-habitually afraid of even engaging w older men for fear that something will actually happen.
[its too close and real when theyre actually ready for marriage]
allowing a 'set up' in a moment of single lonliness...i flipped out that night and couldnt sleep.
enjoying knowing hes interested
confused that he wasnt more aggressive
emailing- and im giving him very little because i dont think i want this and hes not trying too hard to ask me anything that i can respond to
he askes for my #
i respond with the barrage of thoughts that ive been holding- let him know how i experienced him, and actually telling him i dont thik its going to work out.
he responds back like a man.
apologizing for the ways he didnt show up, letting me know where he thinks he was being good. being sad w me about some things i mentioned.
that tugged on my heart a little.
and
im left with the question- are other people not super attracted to their spouses when they first meet them?
i want that experience of meeting some man, and just being swept away, and hoping hes my beginning of completion....the things about him physically that i dont necessarily feel an attraction to- they arent horrible or unworkable [like the ear hair!!!o.O]
so i think thats a sub- question i have.
the major question that came up now as i was typing up all my thoughts to stop the confusion was= will my life be [our life be] exceptional?
i have this (maybe grandiose)thought that when im married, my husband and i will be this super amazing duo--- is that just having way too high expectations?
like, suddenly purpose for our lives will become so clear and we'll be doing "gods work" , just what he planned for us, and it will be beautiful and amazing all the time.
or is that just me still thinking my life will be "better" once im married?
and the other part of this is pride. i want everyone to see that i waited, and i got this amazing man that everyones jealous of me that i have. i know thats ugly. you can just agree w me now and we dont have to talk about it and that will help me not delete it.
but please help me sort through my questions.
im considering giving this man a chance and its scaring the shit out of me.
23 August 2011
22 August 2011
last post i was in a good place, and told yall i would tell more later- but ive forgotten. heh. i dont piss on the israelites anymore for their waywardness. ive read exodus before and have thought- they are so stupid! cant they remember his goodness?! well, cant i ?
and is it so hard for me to see what hes done?
::exactly::
my finances arent as crazy anymore, so thats nice. im not having to work over them so much. my secret? not caring as much!! like, i would balance away and stress and plan EVERYTHING out as much as i could....bleh. now, i just am telling myself no way more in all areas, and pretending, when i get my paycheck, that thats all the money i have.
so now its slowly building. because theres some there that i "dont know" is there. i find it super hilarious that im psyching myself out, and i really know im doing it. how in the world does that work?!
subject change==============
theres been a lot of spiritual fighting lately, and its revolved around the kids club. i didnt realize that until today. its good to know that we're fighting. it looks like there is someone interested in helping, and we're meeting friday to talk it all out and hopefully get all settled.
i was getting so restless about my apt and my stuff, feeling the pull of wanting nothing to my name --seriously, how cool would it be to be able to put everything you "own " in your car?-- AND wanting a really nice house with alot of nice and well made things and be settled and invitey.
i still would rather live with someone, but it looks like i'll be on my own a little more, since kids club is most likely going to come together.
i think im going to have slumber parties when i feel lonely. i just thought of that right now. who knows if id actually do it.
subject change===============
that romanian guy has been giving me angry worrying rawr bleh. let me explain. i was able to talk it out of me just tonight to mallorie, all that im thinking about this. it was good. thanks mal for listening.
hes only talked about movies and 2 country songs that he likes. encouraging me to watch these christian movies, and only after the second country song link, asking me if i liked country... not what type of music i like.
he hasnt brought up any actual conversation that is worth having. keep in mind hes 37, has a job as a real estate agent, and has worked as an IT guy. he wants to make christian movies.
sounds like an interesting person. but he hasnt brought up any relational type of talk, just that hes glad we're friends, and he did that by a group email w a married couple that are mutual friends. and hes not given any interesting topics to talk about.
and have i mentioned that it REALLY bothers me that he hasnt tried to get me really talking about anything?
and then he asks me if i want to give him my number, so we can talk on the phone--- and im left thinking, about what? to just be friends? because i have enough friends. i dont need a 37 yr old single guy from ny to talk to randomly.. i barely spend time on the phone with other friends that im closer to and actually love because i know them.
im just so angry because i want someone to be interested in me like he seemed to be when he came, and then actually pursue me strongly where theres really open communication and i dont have to second guess if hes interested, and that its someone i actually am attracted to! i find myself getting tired and thinking about settling, and just letting this happen and setting all my joys aside and supporting him in his movie passion-- this is what this girl thinks about. and then i get depressed, because i know i cant love anyone well if im just throwing myself away.
need to find a balance of self- sacrifice that is good, while not losing myself. and that should come way more easily when i actually love someone.
i dont want to just not respond to him. i feel thats super ugly to do. so im stuck with, how to respond thats not evil- because i have that tendency, esp with all this ammo i just explained, and to still not lead him on.
i think im just going to let it chill a little longer. bah. i want to be able to just say, no, i dont want to talk on the phone. and leave it! but i want to explain. gah! ill start trying to give a good answer in my head, bc i feel people deserve answers, and its ugly to just not say anything, but every time i do, it turns biting.
ok, im going to just stop talking about this and let it sit for a few more days.
subject change===============
today was nice and slow/ steady at work! it was great. relaxing. i had energy coming home, and was mentally still going, and i worked out a *tiny* bit and kinda actually made dinner, read, did some papery things that needed doing, vacuumed.... just generally got caught up w my life! feelsgood.
so i keep getting so frustrated about this romanian guy.
and is it so hard for me to see what hes done?
::exactly::
my finances arent as crazy anymore, so thats nice. im not having to work over them so much. my secret? not caring as much!! like, i would balance away and stress and plan EVERYTHING out as much as i could....bleh. now, i just am telling myself no way more in all areas, and pretending, when i get my paycheck, that thats all the money i have.
so now its slowly building. because theres some there that i "dont know" is there. i find it super hilarious that im psyching myself out, and i really know im doing it. how in the world does that work?!
subject change==============
theres been a lot of spiritual fighting lately, and its revolved around the kids club. i didnt realize that until today. its good to know that we're fighting. it looks like there is someone interested in helping, and we're meeting friday to talk it all out and hopefully get all settled.
i was getting so restless about my apt and my stuff, feeling the pull of wanting nothing to my name --seriously, how cool would it be to be able to put everything you "own " in your car?-- AND wanting a really nice house with alot of nice and well made things and be settled and invitey.
i still would rather live with someone, but it looks like i'll be on my own a little more, since kids club is most likely going to come together.
i think im going to have slumber parties when i feel lonely. i just thought of that right now. who knows if id actually do it.
subject change===============
that romanian guy has been giving me angry worrying rawr bleh. let me explain. i was able to talk it out of me just tonight to mallorie, all that im thinking about this. it was good. thanks mal for listening.
hes only talked about movies and 2 country songs that he likes. encouraging me to watch these christian movies, and only after the second country song link, asking me if i liked country... not what type of music i like.
he hasnt brought up any actual conversation that is worth having. keep in mind hes 37, has a job as a real estate agent, and has worked as an IT guy. he wants to make christian movies.
sounds like an interesting person. but he hasnt brought up any relational type of talk, just that hes glad we're friends, and he did that by a group email w a married couple that are mutual friends. and hes not given any interesting topics to talk about.
and have i mentioned that it REALLY bothers me that he hasnt tried to get me really talking about anything?
and then he asks me if i want to give him my number, so we can talk on the phone--- and im left thinking, about what? to just be friends? because i have enough friends. i dont need a 37 yr old single guy from ny to talk to randomly.. i barely spend time on the phone with other friends that im closer to and actually love because i know them.
im just so angry because i want someone to be interested in me like he seemed to be when he came, and then actually pursue me strongly where theres really open communication and i dont have to second guess if hes interested, and that its someone i actually am attracted to! i find myself getting tired and thinking about settling, and just letting this happen and setting all my joys aside and supporting him in his movie passion-- this is what this girl thinks about. and then i get depressed, because i know i cant love anyone well if im just throwing myself away.
need to find a balance of self- sacrifice that is good, while not losing myself. and that should come way more easily when i actually love someone.
i dont want to just not respond to him. i feel thats super ugly to do. so im stuck with, how to respond thats not evil- because i have that tendency, esp with all this ammo i just explained, and to still not lead him on.
i think im just going to let it chill a little longer. bah. i want to be able to just say, no, i dont want to talk on the phone. and leave it! but i want to explain. gah! ill start trying to give a good answer in my head, bc i feel people deserve answers, and its ugly to just not say anything, but every time i do, it turns biting.
ok, im going to just stop talking about this and let it sit for a few more days.
subject change===============
today was nice and slow/ steady at work! it was great. relaxing. i had energy coming home, and was mentally still going, and i worked out a *tiny* bit and kinda actually made dinner, read, did some papery things that needed doing, vacuumed.... just generally got caught up w my life! feelsgood.
so i keep getting so frustrated about this romanian guy.
07 August 2011
05 August 2011
i feel really dead lately. like everyone else's lives are so worth it and theres opportunity, and thing to look forward to. at least right now. im looking forward to things in next year. thats so far away. and im looking there because there should be more money there.
i feel like my mom; she had to budget so strongly. but instead of 2 children and a mortgage, theres weddings and a car lease. id take children over weddings. ::i love my friends that are getting married, and love giving to them. i just feel like bitching::
guys, please pray for me. i have not "felt close" to God lately. i know i havent wanted to be close to him either. i have horrible discipline--read, "no discipline."
i felt him open my heart up again to creating. and screw it all, i have no money for getting some of the things id love to use in creating.
and i make stupid choices in buying clothes or other things andd forget that i want to save for the better things.
really pray for my heart. im so tired. i feel dead. im not in a good place to start kids club in a few months. i dont even know if i should do it, i dont even know if i want to do it. i feel im an ugly person. i hate the idea of disappointing these kids, or worse, turning away from something God wants me to do.
and a really dirty trick was played on my heart too. i dont really believe that thought that says once youre ok with just living your life and living what GOd has given you, your spouse will come.
but the other day, coming back from my vacation, i felt such a strong truth in my heart that i would be ok being single. and i revelled in that! i was so happy to know it didnt feel like an endless tunnel leading to me being one of those weird spinsters.
and then someone suggested i meet this guy, and my lifes been ugly hell since then! and i dont feel that presence of peace i had that day on the drive home. im very discontent.
and i cant stop my addiction of masturbation. i hate it. i want it gone.
i want to honor my body, and enjoy the fact that i am a woman and feminine and beautiful, without feeling like the only way to express it is that way.
i would love to redirect that intensity. its so much work- do i get up, when im tired and go paint, or bake something, or read my bible? i think creating is so helpful in those moments. i feel like the woman in song of solomon, in the nightmare. its so much work.
having a game night at my house tonight. i am going to be struggling w being my real self without pouring my SELF out for them to see. i think that would be too much for a game night with people i dont really know . how much of a mask is ok, and how much do i leave off?! i dont want to be totally fake and dont want to make anyone depressed or awkward/ uncomfortable.
i feel like my mom; she had to budget so strongly. but instead of 2 children and a mortgage, theres weddings and a car lease. id take children over weddings. ::i love my friends that are getting married, and love giving to them. i just feel like bitching::
guys, please pray for me. i have not "felt close" to God lately. i know i havent wanted to be close to him either. i have horrible discipline--read, "no discipline."
i felt him open my heart up again to creating. and screw it all, i have no money for getting some of the things id love to use in creating.
and i make stupid choices in buying clothes or other things andd forget that i want to save for the better things.
really pray for my heart. im so tired. i feel dead. im not in a good place to start kids club in a few months. i dont even know if i should do it, i dont even know if i want to do it. i feel im an ugly person. i hate the idea of disappointing these kids, or worse, turning away from something God wants me to do.
and a really dirty trick was played on my heart too. i dont really believe that thought that says once youre ok with just living your life and living what GOd has given you, your spouse will come.
but the other day, coming back from my vacation, i felt such a strong truth in my heart that i would be ok being single. and i revelled in that! i was so happy to know it didnt feel like an endless tunnel leading to me being one of those weird spinsters.
and then someone suggested i meet this guy, and my lifes been ugly hell since then! and i dont feel that presence of peace i had that day on the drive home. im very discontent.
and i cant stop my addiction of masturbation. i hate it. i want it gone.
i want to honor my body, and enjoy the fact that i am a woman and feminine and beautiful, without feeling like the only way to express it is that way.
i would love to redirect that intensity. its so much work- do i get up, when im tired and go paint, or bake something, or read my bible? i think creating is so helpful in those moments. i feel like the woman in song of solomon, in the nightmare. its so much work.
having a game night at my house tonight. i am going to be struggling w being my real self without pouring my SELF out for them to see. i think that would be too much for a game night with people i dont really know . how much of a mask is ok, and how much do i leave off?! i dont want to be totally fake and dont want to make anyone depressed or awkward/ uncomfortable.
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