hello. it is late. i cant sleep. someday, i will get serious, pick up my prayer journal, and GO>
maybe after i do this, i will. typing out spiritual shouldves for other people to read kinda pushes one.
i guess thats where all the cool accountability comes in.
some thing i think is contributing to non sleep- excitement. today, just later, i am going to austin and my plans are; zilker park, toy joy, bath in a bathtub at a b&b. YES!!!!
kirby lane, mangia, and anywhere else i damn well please. ooooh! and theres this free for all golf course and i plan on running around on it at night. the moon should be out. hopefully its not too cloudy.
im just all super happy about this. i may go to the elizabet ney museum.i like going up into this top room there. it has cool stairs and a cubby thing i cant explain right now, mostly cuz i cant remember exactly what it goes to , etc.
i got an amazing massage today, and my nails are done. now if i could just get some recuperative sleep.
i did decide the other day after hearing all this stuff about sleep apnea, and the effects of non sleep on a persons ability to function and be healthy- that i wanted to try and make sure im getting my good deep sleep.
cue non sleep.
after that i chatted with God, and i believe he can work supernaturally and ill be rested in the ways i need to .
so back to prayer. i start praying when i cant sleep, then it really wakes me up, then i have to start pacing.
i actually didnt pace tonight, i got on the comp. mostly because i didnt really want to pray anymore. i know that sounds bad, i mean i wasnt even praying for very long. the subject of my prayer just felt weird.
so ya know when you are wanting relationship, and you may have someone in mind, or you may not- but you start praying for them more fervently? that was happening tonight.
not the weird part yet.
[theres not anything super cool or super natural coming your way. sorry]
anyway. i started praying for my friends and their future spouses. like, alll of them. you were included, those of you who are single. it was just strange, it felt so real . i dunno. there are those prayers that you mean and those that you more or less say. all my praying was generic, but it was hopeful in a different place.
thats it. OOOHH< i cant wait for austin. theres something that my heart has needed that God is providing in this weekend. i know it. theres a strong pull of not just fun to be had. something more, something deep.
23 September 2010
12 September 2010
my heart is sad and slow
hi. i know i just blogged last night. i felt i had to- get out what i was holding with the new class/ discussion group, and because people wanted me to. now, its just me.
my grandma was here this weekend. its always ambivalent. i love her, esp when shes at rest. i love that we can just bum around and be easy. ya know, when youre with someone that knows you. and is like you.
its easy that way.
i am alot like her. i see the things i hate about how she interacts, in me. i see the things i love, and am SO grateful i can carry them on.
she can be annoyingly dogged in how she expects certain things from people. demands a standard, demands them to show themselves. when she gets a thought in her head, she goes with it! and is all intense and if its wrong, and shes misunderstanding something, it takes a while to explain it. and then, she cant just say, oops/ ok, and be done.
she gives. and she loves people.
she was so excited about the haven for hope, and followed everything about it as it was in the works. we used to feed the homeless in downtown cc. she loves the homeless. we always encourage her to just do that. she hates all the rules and bureaucracy of the organized places.
[it took me a long time to figure out how to correctly spell bureaucracy.]
she wanted to go see h4h. so we go. they have their own signage on i-10, so you know just how to get there. its beautiful.
her heart was pounding. she was really excited to just see it. we walked up to the doors of the intake area, just to see when it was open. just to look around. this guard was making sure no one came near the train that passes straight through the complex. he eyed us warily.
we let him know we were just looking at the times. then the door opened. i had already teared up at feeling the Spirit of God in her rejoicing, and as we talked to this beautiful, gracious man, and my grandma tried to convey her joy, i was glad i had my sunglasses on.
its weird , the moments i feel weak and dont want anyone to see. i knew they could see me though. sunglasses made me feel safe, anyway.
he copied off the guest/ member booklet for her, and some of the pages from the website. we were overwhelmed. its a great place.
it was her grandparent day present.
i didnt know it was grandparent day- she did. [go me!]
we drove around the complex and saw a man that had literally just been mugged- his bloodied forehead was very bright, and he was very drunk. i felt unsafe. thats the dang problem with these big cities. in corpus, all these more "slummy" areas were normal. sa has a way of drawing lines.
my grandma didnt feel unsafe. we turned back around and she bought some water for him. while doing so, the ambulance and a police car came up. he was trying to run away, he wanted none of it. of course they found him. gma and i walked over and we were still a bit away. i encouraged her to jog over and ask him if he wanted the water.
he refused, and she said he was so gone. but called her ma'am.
i cant convey now, how much my grandma is effected by people like this. she wants to take them in and make them better. she cries over them at night and her passion for them is contagious.
i love her.
i pray that when her cat dies on her, she would feel more free to go where ever and give her heart the way she wants to.
she left today and part of me felt sad- we had just gotten to a point where we were talking alot. we like to talk. another part was glad because we're both intense, even when we're quiet.
im sad right now- its almost 8, and very quiet and reflective in my heart.
my grandma was here this weekend. its always ambivalent. i love her, esp when shes at rest. i love that we can just bum around and be easy. ya know, when youre with someone that knows you. and is like you.
its easy that way.
i am alot like her. i see the things i hate about how she interacts, in me. i see the things i love, and am SO grateful i can carry them on.
she can be annoyingly dogged in how she expects certain things from people. demands a standard, demands them to show themselves. when she gets a thought in her head, she goes with it! and is all intense and if its wrong, and shes misunderstanding something, it takes a while to explain it. and then, she cant just say, oops/ ok, and be done.
she gives. and she loves people.
she was so excited about the haven for hope, and followed everything about it as it was in the works. we used to feed the homeless in downtown cc. she loves the homeless. we always encourage her to just do that. she hates all the rules and bureaucracy of the organized places.
[it took me a long time to figure out how to correctly spell bureaucracy.]
she wanted to go see h4h. so we go. they have their own signage on i-10, so you know just how to get there. its beautiful.
her heart was pounding. she was really excited to just see it. we walked up to the doors of the intake area, just to see when it was open. just to look around. this guard was making sure no one came near the train that passes straight through the complex. he eyed us warily.
we let him know we were just looking at the times. then the door opened. i had already teared up at feeling the Spirit of God in her rejoicing, and as we talked to this beautiful, gracious man, and my grandma tried to convey her joy, i was glad i had my sunglasses on.
its weird , the moments i feel weak and dont want anyone to see. i knew they could see me though. sunglasses made me feel safe, anyway.
he copied off the guest/ member booklet for her, and some of the pages from the website. we were overwhelmed. its a great place.
it was her grandparent day present.
i didnt know it was grandparent day- she did. [go me!]
we drove around the complex and saw a man that had literally just been mugged- his bloodied forehead was very bright, and he was very drunk. i felt unsafe. thats the dang problem with these big cities. in corpus, all these more "slummy" areas were normal. sa has a way of drawing lines.
my grandma didnt feel unsafe. we turned back around and she bought some water for him. while doing so, the ambulance and a police car came up. he was trying to run away, he wanted none of it. of course they found him. gma and i walked over and we were still a bit away. i encouraged her to jog over and ask him if he wanted the water.
he refused, and she said he was so gone. but called her ma'am.
i cant convey now, how much my grandma is effected by people like this. she wants to take them in and make them better. she cries over them at night and her passion for them is contagious.
i love her.
i pray that when her cat dies on her, she would feel more free to go where ever and give her heart the way she wants to.
she left today and part of me felt sad- we had just gotten to a point where we were talking alot. we like to talk. another part was glad because we're both intense, even when we're quiet.
im sad right now- its almost 8, and very quiet and reflective in my heart.
11 September 2010
more bland explaination of my fb status than maybe you hoped:
i mentioned i was excited and afraid.
this is partly for you, taytay
id like to blog about it though.
so bruce, a friend at church is getting into knowledge. dts[dallas theological seminary] satellite school at cbc [a church]. and he was meeting with our college/ singles pastor about learning more ...leadership, teaching, and sharing the gospel of Jesus w people.
something like that.
so he and the pastor were like, we should invite other people to do this. i said id like to be a part of it.
it includes apologetics- articulating beliefs in a logical way. [smart christian friends, if this is a bad def, please tell me.
so its basically teaching us more about God, and learning the mysteries about him. alot of times people take verses out of context, or things that they hear televangelists or well - meaning believers say, and write off Jesus because of it.
like, the bible says God gives good gifts to his children.
i believe im a child of God, because i believe he made me. he hasnt given me good, though - its been seriously crappy! God must be a liar.
yea.
so id like to be able to talk to people more on that level.
moreso than that- start conversations that mean something! talk about the eternal things- talk about God and what they believe is true. talk about hard things in their lives and search for the love of God with them. be alive with them in difficulty and find life abundant in the belief of Jesus Christ as fully God and fully man, come to die taking on our sins to make us clean in Gods sight and rising from the dead , securing new life for us in him if we believe.
and thats just part of it.
so im excited because im actually wanting to really start learning more about truth. not just passively accepting what is given me in church or by my family or friends. im excited that finally i'll be awake and aware when thinking about why people think they need to do penance when Jesus has done it all, why they think the Holy Spirit or Jesus isnt fully God. all that stuff.
and its scarey. once you have a true grounded working knowledge of something, youre expected to use it. its weird not to. somebody says, oh! you have a masters in pogo stick! cool- can i see your best stick, and could you do some moves?
and you reply- oh, i dont really ever DO pogo. i just liked the thought of knowing all about it. i enjoy sitting at the coffee shop reading books about pogo sticks, and what other people have done on their sticks....wondering about the probability of height if gravity was just THAT MUCH lighter.
so. i know that there is a requirement now. not just of a taskmaster whipping me into doing. if that was the christian life, i dont think id have stuck around. it wouldve been dead like everything else. i hate WORK. but its in my heart. a real understanding starting to spring. i know me. enough, anyway. that if i really do this, its going to be different.
im afraid of people rejecting Gods truth. of not believing what hes done for them. of not humbling themselves and thanking him for it.
and im afraid of losing friends and family as they might hate me if i really say what i want to .
i might hate losing face in front of people and crying over them. when we step into peoples hearts, they can get really defensive and push you out. but i have to remember its not me theyre rejecting ultimately. it still hurts.
so, thats about it. there will probably be more coming.
oh, yeah! and the discipline part- im way not like that. things come really easily for me, and when ive actually had to work its turned into major frustration, hatred, and almost nervous breakdown.
so me being all studious and really loving this learning. its only by the grace of God.
this is partly for you, taytay
id like to blog about it though.
so bruce, a friend at church is getting into knowledge. dts[dallas theological seminary] satellite school at cbc [a church]. and he was meeting with our college/ singles pastor about learning more ...leadership, teaching, and sharing the gospel of Jesus w people.
something like that.
so he and the pastor were like, we should invite other people to do this. i said id like to be a part of it.
it includes apologetics- articulating beliefs in a logical way. [smart christian friends, if this is a bad def, please tell me.
so its basically teaching us more about God, and learning the mysteries about him. alot of times people take verses out of context, or things that they hear televangelists or well - meaning believers say, and write off Jesus because of it.
like, the bible says God gives good gifts to his children.
i believe im a child of God, because i believe he made me. he hasnt given me good, though - its been seriously crappy! God must be a liar.
yea.
so id like to be able to talk to people more on that level.
moreso than that- start conversations that mean something! talk about the eternal things- talk about God and what they believe is true. talk about hard things in their lives and search for the love of God with them. be alive with them in difficulty and find life abundant in the belief of Jesus Christ as fully God and fully man, come to die taking on our sins to make us clean in Gods sight and rising from the dead , securing new life for us in him if we believe.
and thats just part of it.
so im excited because im actually wanting to really start learning more about truth. not just passively accepting what is given me in church or by my family or friends. im excited that finally i'll be awake and aware when thinking about why people think they need to do penance when Jesus has done it all, why they think the Holy Spirit or Jesus isnt fully God. all that stuff.
and its scarey. once you have a true grounded working knowledge of something, youre expected to use it. its weird not to. somebody says, oh! you have a masters in pogo stick! cool- can i see your best stick, and could you do some moves?
and you reply- oh, i dont really ever DO pogo. i just liked the thought of knowing all about it. i enjoy sitting at the coffee shop reading books about pogo sticks, and what other people have done on their sticks....wondering about the probability of height if gravity was just THAT MUCH lighter.
so. i know that there is a requirement now. not just of a taskmaster whipping me into doing. if that was the christian life, i dont think id have stuck around. it wouldve been dead like everything else. i hate WORK. but its in my heart. a real understanding starting to spring. i know me. enough, anyway. that if i really do this, its going to be different.
im afraid of people rejecting Gods truth. of not believing what hes done for them. of not humbling themselves and thanking him for it.
and im afraid of losing friends and family as they might hate me if i really say what i want to .
i might hate losing face in front of people and crying over them. when we step into peoples hearts, they can get really defensive and push you out. but i have to remember its not me theyre rejecting ultimately. it still hurts.
so, thats about it. there will probably be more coming.
oh, yeah! and the discipline part- im way not like that. things come really easily for me, and when ive actually had to work its turned into major frustration, hatred, and almost nervous breakdown.
so me being all studious and really loving this learning. its only by the grace of God.
06 September 2010
the next step
His thoughts are higher than mine, as are His ways.
when he asks me to hope again, im afraid.
-sidenote. i just felt the first pangs of a headache, and then my head got really hot, and then it was like a wave of pain that went away. weird.
so, hoping again. just in everyday things. hoping in my tomorrow at work, i let God lead. that i could speak hope and truth and kindness all day. that i would listen to my heart. listen WITH my heart. i get so fast and militant at work. i know, hard to believe.
those of you whove seen my intensity know. those of you who know me best when im chill- well, just wait. youll see me all stressed out and frenetic at some point.
if you cant already tell from some of my blogs.
hoping for my friendships to be more real than they have been, hoping for my thoughts to stay focused always on what is important. hoping to love more with abandon.
all of these things involve possibly being misunderstood, getting hurt, being exposed for someone less than who id like people to think i am.
those are the thoughts im going to sleep on.
when he asks me to hope again, im afraid.
-sidenote. i just felt the first pangs of a headache, and then my head got really hot, and then it was like a wave of pain that went away. weird.
so, hoping again. just in everyday things. hoping in my tomorrow at work, i let God lead. that i could speak hope and truth and kindness all day. that i would listen to my heart. listen WITH my heart. i get so fast and militant at work. i know, hard to believe.
those of you whove seen my intensity know. those of you who know me best when im chill- well, just wait. youll see me all stressed out and frenetic at some point.
if you cant already tell from some of my blogs.
hoping for my friendships to be more real than they have been, hoping for my thoughts to stay focused always on what is important. hoping to love more with abandon.
all of these things involve possibly being misunderstood, getting hurt, being exposed for someone less than who id like people to think i am.
those are the thoughts im going to sleep on.
02 September 2010
ive been on the comp wayyyy too long. ouch.
i was kinda pissy at work. sometimes i am.
we had a girls night last week, and karaoke'd. im always worried that people will be like, ow, she needs to not sing. i tried only on the ones i felt i could do.
if i dont know a song very well, im pretty muchly tone-deaf. weird. i thought i was better than that.
anyways.all this set- up cuz after work we were talking about it and there were only like 5 people in this convo. long story short it sounded like 2 ladies basically have a thought that i cant really sing.
never mind. not long story short. just story. suck it up or leave.
jaime is a conservative christian. we dont really think she'll ever come to these things, and she prob wont cuz theres drinking ususally. she was telling the hostess [brandi]what she heard about the great singing time we had. jessica, my hygienist friend had been there and crissell, the absolutely amazing coordinator of all our events.
they started talking about how i sang some, and i cant really remember all that was said. but i mentioned i sing better with different songs[ or something to that nature] and jaime put out celine dions name. i was like, yea. --i mean, obviously i couldnt really sing like her. but it would sound better than some of the other things i attempted.
both jessica and crissell disagreed pretty strongly with that.
later on i realized i went into shame and sadness over this. i denied them, that they havent really ever heard me sing, for reals.
after a little battling for my heart, brandi agreed with me that i have a nice voice, and shes heard me sing. by then i was in battle mode, esp when jessica said shes heard me sing. i denied it all, and said they have only heard me playing around when singing.
out of everything i wish i could do/ be, singing is pretty much at the top. dancing is under it. nebulous "art" is somewhere in there.
i have a deep fear that im tone -deaf, really, and people just shy away from commenting on my singing ability. i have a deep fear that my voice is just -eh. ok. and i have a deep fear of people hearing me.
back to the story. i was wounded bad. i was putting in a clinical note at the time, and kept fighting back tears and wondering WHY IN GODS NAME WAS I TORN UP ABOUT THIS? they hadnt been cruel at all. and jessica isnt afraid to tell me like it is.
i just took in a fact that not everyone thinks my voice is beautiful, esp when its scared and has had some alcohol. more than that.
theres a truth that im just very normal. and i dont have an outstanding singing voice. i was hoping so badly that a veil would be rent someday and i would hear some truth my heart knew about being a singer.
i almost cant believe im telling yall this. it hurt so much today. thinking about it and typing has made me cry again, but not as painfully.
hearing those ladies make that stark judgement on my ability sent me to difficult places. i started listening to lies today. just a little. i stayed away from feeling depressed mostly. but it made me second guess other things i think about myself, like how attractive i am.
i stayed in pretty safe places with that- however safe you can be there, is debatable.
was birthed from that was going trial on match.com
i know. once i got over the initial- ah!- of it, it feels normal- ish. i almost subscribed. but im going to sleep, and see how i feel in the morning about a 6 month subscription and future bad/awkward dating experiences.
[its kinda exciting!!!]
we had a girls night last week, and karaoke'd. im always worried that people will be like, ow, she needs to not sing. i tried only on the ones i felt i could do.
if i dont know a song very well, im pretty muchly tone-deaf. weird. i thought i was better than that.
anyways.all this set- up cuz after work we were talking about it and there were only like 5 people in this convo. long story short it sounded like 2 ladies basically have a thought that i cant really sing.
never mind. not long story short. just story. suck it up or leave.
jaime is a conservative christian. we dont really think she'll ever come to these things, and she prob wont cuz theres drinking ususally. she was telling the hostess [brandi]what she heard about the great singing time we had. jessica, my hygienist friend had been there and crissell, the absolutely amazing coordinator of all our events.
they started talking about how i sang some, and i cant really remember all that was said. but i mentioned i sing better with different songs[ or something to that nature] and jaime put out celine dions name. i was like, yea. --i mean, obviously i couldnt really sing like her. but it would sound better than some of the other things i attempted.
both jessica and crissell disagreed pretty strongly with that.
later on i realized i went into shame and sadness over this. i denied them, that they havent really ever heard me sing, for reals.
after a little battling for my heart, brandi agreed with me that i have a nice voice, and shes heard me sing. by then i was in battle mode, esp when jessica said shes heard me sing. i denied it all, and said they have only heard me playing around when singing.
out of everything i wish i could do/ be, singing is pretty much at the top. dancing is under it. nebulous "art" is somewhere in there.
i have a deep fear that im tone -deaf, really, and people just shy away from commenting on my singing ability. i have a deep fear that my voice is just -eh. ok. and i have a deep fear of people hearing me.
back to the story. i was wounded bad. i was putting in a clinical note at the time, and kept fighting back tears and wondering WHY IN GODS NAME WAS I TORN UP ABOUT THIS? they hadnt been cruel at all. and jessica isnt afraid to tell me like it is.
i just took in a fact that not everyone thinks my voice is beautiful, esp when its scared and has had some alcohol. more than that.
theres a truth that im just very normal. and i dont have an outstanding singing voice. i was hoping so badly that a veil would be rent someday and i would hear some truth my heart knew about being a singer.
i almost cant believe im telling yall this. it hurt so much today. thinking about it and typing has made me cry again, but not as painfully.
hearing those ladies make that stark judgement on my ability sent me to difficult places. i started listening to lies today. just a little. i stayed away from feeling depressed mostly. but it made me second guess other things i think about myself, like how attractive i am.
i stayed in pretty safe places with that- however safe you can be there, is debatable.
was birthed from that was going trial on match.com
i know. once i got over the initial- ah!- of it, it feels normal- ish. i almost subscribed. but im going to sleep, and see how i feel in the morning about a 6 month subscription and future bad/awkward dating experiences.
[its kinda exciting!!!]
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