i want time w friends. i dont have time barely for me.
i want time for moving my stuff, and packing. there have been more urgent things on the list.
i need these things too.

moving this weekend- really moving everything- would be perfect i think. will it happen ?we'll see. funny how i have a hard time asking for help, and it seems like im stuck on all "sides" of life, having to ask for help.
but i dont have time to recieve it seems. life and stuff happening around me has to slow down enough to recieve.
ha. that was going to be the end, but i just have to say this. i stopped typing and went to sign out. realized as i hesitated over the "okay" and "cancel" [do you want to navigate away from this page...?], that i really just needed this out. not really read. that was a nice feeling.
but i do want yall to know how crazy i feel and how i hate not having more time for you. it makes me sad to think i dont have time to call my friends.

too much

i have not been vulnerable well. and every time i try to be needy, it doesnt work out the way i want it to. :P
im tired.
went to rise above last sun[weekend of helping l clean house before deployment and r being in ER for throwing up and not being able to eat] and God is beautiful. im sad i dont sit in his presence more. im glad rise above is available. i was able to be free in worship, and reconnect with alot of truth. i cried over a certain place. i dont know how to describe it. its the place of passion and destiny that ive allowed to be overlooked, the place where my heart is most satisfied in Him, and what his hands hold, and i think im missing something.
thats the worst thing to feel ever in my book.
i hate it that i seem to be missing the mark. then i looked into that. what mark?
that question took me to wondering if i am too judgemental on myself. and i was immediately reminded to take care of myself. something i try desperately to do and it never feels like its happening. maybe having care for self looks different than ive imagined it? or may be im just having to fight for it.
i only had 3 hours of sleep last night. wading through my thoughts is becoming too much. so. tbc

im standiing in the wonder of a worthwhile storm
made of truth: its ironic
as the lies whip arouond and around
slapping every inch of me
through my lashes i see the glint of what im needing
as it swirls amidst the trash
i need it
i need it.
its mine.
-theres another bit!
as i continue to strain to see, i do
and it continues and theres more.
its compelling me, and im afraid- but this is the storm IM in,
with MY bits being lost to me if i dont meet the
Wind halfway, if i dont extend,
what will all this be about?
it will be about me. swirling about me. swirling. but just
a hazy swirl. people may comment on the color and texture,
and form and shape, temperature and_______
but what? so what?
so i reach.
fear prickles my skin, as does everything in the storm that
cuts, slaps, pokes, and rams.
ifind i can deal with some prickles.
i feel His hand guiding my arm. this isnt comfortable.
i caught some trash.
great.
oh!
i got a piece!
some becoming,
something i am.
the next moment isnt so difficult- and slowly
i will leaern to just stand in the eye
perpetually extended into the storm.
death shall not rob my___________.
death shall not sting my__________.
death shll not kill my____________.
its only a flesh wound.
and, by God, i am so much more than

as i am finding all my glintings and radiances
Abba, i am beginning to love the way you
sprinkle yourself into the midst for me to find
and guide my arm for reaching.

more heather saga. im sorry if this is getting boring. its my life and youre apparently reading it.

i stepped out into a scarey place today- let someone in on my load.
maybe some of its a burden i dont know....i think its just load. i have a hard time letting people hear my load.
loads feel unbearable when cast in lie's light. i hate lies. but when im in bad places, i cant hear anything else. i cant fully reiterate everything leading up to the breaking point, but suffice it to say, when someone who in the past has almost clamored for my attention then forgets to call me when we're supposed to have a lunch date to let me know shes with her family- ew. EW! and i not worth anything right now? this is the question that gets answered with a no in these moments.

my fragility keeps showing up. its like God wants to do something about my hardness. sheesh.

letting kk hold my tears today was hard, and loving. and im really starting to enjoy busting in on peoples family life. and just sitting, and soaking it in.

shout out- everybody, this is gonna get rocky, i can feel it. if youd like to stay in the canoe [yes, we're in a friendcanoe. the ship was pirated], hold on.

"im ready, promotion..."- spongebob squarepants

ive been sleeping a lot lately. this is the first day in a few that i am waking up earlier than 10 30. i wonder if im just catching up, or if im finally releasing some tension and maybe im stressed out about moving and all the things i need to do. the excitement has to be factored in too. enjoying pedersen company in the pedersen home was insightful to me. the words fell out of my mouth that i didnt want to come back to the apt, it was disorganized, boxy, and depressing. :(
im so hoping for my next apt to be homey. for my self to feel settled in this place. i wonder, would i have started to feel that more in this apt if id just decided to stay here and not have my roommate here? are there too many memories that are so broad in content that theres not a good basis for a feeling of settledness?
im just talking all this out for the sake of getting it out. i havent felt good purpose here except for my job. its hard wanting to be a part of more that sits where your heart cry is, and not finding it. im excited about having that now, having more of those places in my heart be utilized. im expectant for feeling settled in the knowing that im a part of something that fills my heart and empties it well all at the same time.

all of my thoughts so far this weekend.

tis funny, lots of people have been mentioning home.

im in corpus, where my family lives, and i am struck by how it doesnt feel like home anymore.

i was talking about a certain store, and my mom was like, what?

i repiled, yea, its on bandera! [after she had already wondered if i was indeed talking about a place in cc]

i had to ask my fam again and again how to get to certain destinations here. im forgetting the street names, and not just automatically able to drive "with my eyes closed"

this is a weird sensation- losing automatic reflexes.

it makes me kinda sad.

my parents house still feels like home, and the beach. i totally relax here. makes me wonder why im tense in sa-town.

what makes me tense....? im hoping moving will help me relax. theres an element of living w/ r that tenses me, i think. stress of work, and thinking about moving.

also, starting my budget and feeling more adult makes me stressed.

theres an element of having the shattered part of my dream where id be married and doing adult things with my husband that makes me stressed. nuf about That man. no more talk about him this post. ::maybe::

i was struck with a thought today, leaving me a little bruised and bewildered.

i do things only half- assed. which is kinda weird, considering i FEEL like i am all out to alot of people. even fooling myself.

i have dreams id like to live in. one being, creating more- allowing more of my art out of me.

ill get on some kind of artsy wagon for a while, and then fall off. and not get back on. i did this with wire. right when alot of wire art started coming out, i saw some, and totally was making stuff. it was okay. wire art is time consuming. and my family was very vocal about how good it was and that i could maybe sell it. i stopped. one, i think i didnt want to start having to do it for money. it wouldve felt that way to me. another, more sinister whisper crops up, though, that im presently acknowledging. i didnt like being praised.

:(

i still dont. i had a shame cow of anger and helplessness when shelley had hung my painting on the living room wall while i was away in rom.

i have to get just an overwhelming unbearable-ness for me to even step into a process of creating. "heather, love yourself and worship! take time to rest in bringing out life!"

[thank you, HS]

"no problem, thats one reason i hang around. we both deserve your life abundant. you, to not be all constipated, and Me, to get glory."

[oh. yea.]

im stuck by my circumstances. im blaming most of my problems on r.which is horrible. when i got into a painting mode last time, she got in one too. since im going to be doing bible clubs with kids at my new apt, it seems like she is wanting that too now- she told me the place shes moving to, when she went there, has alot of kids and she felt God was showing her that she should be there for them. she even mentioned doing a bible club. that made me mad.

so, it makes me mad. i start something for myself, and someone else always comes along and seems to do it better, or get excited about a similar thing for themselves, and i suddenly become disinterested.

this is so shitty! i love children and im excited about moving, but ive allowed the joy of it to be ripped away by someones words and plans.

i hate comparing myself. i hate comparing myself to myself. a friend sent a possible internship opportunity my way- an AWESOME one. and it breaks my heart that i cant do it. it makes me feel little, and less, that im not "doing " something "huge." i still toy with the idea, almost daily, of quitting and selling alot of my stuff and working out something with volvo, and going to nevada. for 3 months. and God gently reminds me that hes got me on a budget, and that weve been talking and walking through being dependable and practical[ aka "boring" in my mind]

i still wonder if ive missed something. is this what youve sung over me? i dont quite get the tempo, and you know how good i am at harmonizing....

uh, i am going to bring up "guy stuff" again. sorry. and this is the last thing on my mind, theres nothing more after this- i think. im fighting placing qualifying statements before and after. and i dont care if qualifying is the right word or not, and im sorry if youre getting hung up on that and dont quite understand what i mean by that statement because of it. get over it.

i have felt more and more unworthy and inadequate than ever before. it just keeps growing. i dont feel like im good enough to be the wife of someone wonderful. people always make comments about my standards being really high and i ll be the first to agree. when ive been faced with wonderful men, i immediately take myself out of the line up. they have so many other amazing women to pick from.

im weirding out- the more time i try to set up for myself, the more it runs away. and i feel really selfish recently when ive said no to other things that ive wanted and done something ive really wanted/ needed.
i must really not understand God, cuz ill start doing/ being a new way, thinking, ok, this is what it is- and then theres this being blindsided with something totally new.
lets not be so vague, heather.
ok.
this week i made a point to have time with Jesus and his Other Thirds. [hehehehe!]
it was/ is great. i dont know why he allows this "if- then" stuff, it feels so conditional......
but i made the time, and i was totally having a great week! i guess i could say i am. ive been in good attitude places at work and hes given me grace and knowledge with the kids.

and then, i read some blogs, and all of a sudden, im being reminded of more. theres more. im ok where im growing, but not. i want more. and its frustrating, this dang time thing we live in. more means more time is needed. i cant do/abide in/ be more on the same time frame that im holding.

being alone after spending a whole day in matters of the heart with lovely women and gooodfood is almost nauseating.
being really quiet and not wanting to interact with God, but wanting it, after about an hour in the trenches with Him today- feels weird. disconnected but close.
knowing my constant deep grief about the same things doesnt wear God out- feels good. restful. he honors my tears when i come to him with them. hes patient to keep speaking the truth to me. knowing he doesnt get exasperated like i do, knowing that he isnt just hoping i' ll finally deal with it and get over it, knowing that he wants me to hold my hands open,and will keep his hands open to me- [the reaction to that is silent]
my heart is full and i long to share it.

finding a home saga

basically, there will be a part 3, and maybe even four to this.
[for those of you who are tired, slow, didnt read the previous post(which you should do), or having a blonde moment- the last post is part 1, this is part 2, and since im not getting a house yet- ergo etc.]

the wise couple i asked to help me gave great advise. theyre playing a very crucial part in my growth in all this, and even if they dont financially help me, they have done more than money.

i still dont listen to my parents well.
this couple said basically the same things my parents either have said, or would have said if they knew i would actually listen.
so this is me becoming a boring, thoughtful adult. another couple they recommended has agreed to sit down with me next week to look at my inflow/outflow and construct a budget {EEEEEAhHAHGagghAHhhhKKKguh!!!!!!}
::resume composure::
and im going to find a cheaper apt closer to the area i think i should be in.
and i am going to save.
and slowly look at houses, not just decide in one weekend that i need to drive around and suddenly look at all thats available.
potentially 6 mo to a year, with letting "buying house thoughts" have some float room in my head. living in tension.
[hm. weird to have that come out. but it makes sense. i have a tension of either just wanting to let it go and not think about it, or constantly having apparent movement. i am in awe of Gods timing always. this is so wonderful and interesting... hes cracking down all of the sudden on my all or nothing sin pattern.]
im also really glad im not doing this right now. makes this upcoming weekend SSOOO less stressful. now i have to think up a costume.
thats all. the end

doing big things

when bgi things come my way, i get alot of energy and get them done. problem= theyre usually crammed into a few days of intense stress and freaking out, sometimes hyperventilating. <---that last one hasnt happened in a while, but just to give you background. [welll, maybe i havent tried to quickly do something big in a while. ]
i got pre-approved for a loan. for a house. i have been thinking about this slowly since about august, id say. i was mostly thinking about renting, but hadnt looked into anything hard core, even though i knew i lease is up in dec.
got back from SALTS and jumped straight into organizing my going to abf classes to promote the womens dinner at church. this is not a good thing to try to do just 2 days before, esp. when dealing with about 14 classes.
crazy thing is, God blessed me through my procrastinating, laziness, and somewhat not caring about this event with everything falling into place the selfsame day i started my "project."
he taught me that its not about me, and he works things out in spite of everything in us thats not of him, and hes turning my heart soft to care more for this outreach.
ok. so that story is told to shed light hopefully on this one.
i waited to do this pre approval thing. and i was looking at the approval to be the green light from God that this buying house stuff was going to happen now.
i made the appt for 9. the lady had to take detours because of the rain and didnt get to work- to me- until 9 :55. we just squeezed everything in before i had to go to work.
there came not smooth sailing. i dont have a downpayment at all because of various things over the last year. ::ahem!carandsalts::
and the first time buyer deal doesnt cover downpayments anymore. they stopped that part of the helpfulness in august. so. i would have to get someone(s) to give me a "gift." of roughly 3,500.
yea, im not good at asking for things i REALLY need or want.
and who would do that anyway? sidenote, i think i might still ask one couple tomorrow, just to see.
theres all this paperwork that has to be compiled when someone gives a gift. thier bank statements, etc. and the clincher. for the loan to be available to me in time for when i would need the house- dec- all the EVERYTHING about it would need to be solid by the end of this week! contracts in stone and signed and all.
needless to say, i was in bed for a while before this, refluxing. and getting mad at my cat for wanting to cuddle. [im beginning to pay attention to my attitude to see whats going on, when i get mad at my cats for being loving. its like a spiritual plumb line.]
so, i let it go. i let go, after finally getting up and writing my thoughts out and fussing at God. waiting is always a good choice. if this is meant to happen quickly, it will and there will be nothing i can do to stop it. i will be open to it still happening this week, but a huge part of me - that is now basking in peace- is finally resting enough to let go control of grasping. to empty my hands of the things that God has not put there, and then turn them right side up and allow them to be filled. not put them under the faucet of my choosing, but to let the wild, gentle, unpredictable flow of rain come. and go.
this pre approval was a pre preparing. i now know more of what it takes to get a loan started, and all the papers i need, etc. theres worth in being intentional and plodding along, characteristics i have not been good at, ever.
that makes me think of when i used to run track. i was a sprinter when i was younger. but it was the longer sprints. that had felt like giving it my all, all at once, for longer than necessary. i enjoyed the expenditure. now im more okay with jogging. its slower. makes my knees hurt more. but i can go longer. im starting to enjoy taking my time. beiing thoughtful.
ok, i need to sleep.

i am busy in my mind, i am full of thoughts of what can be, what will be, and possibly what wont be. im stressing about packing and im heavy and full with tonight at grace group. this was a good lead in to this next week at SALTS. its left me really looking. looking into what im doing with whats given me. evaluating how i experience things. reminding me expectancy is good, and i have no idea what to expect. remembering that my imaginings and fantasies of what might happen are just all in my head, and the hope should be harvested and the anxiety left alone.
God has taken care of me. the timing, the planning, the packing. if i can have these things as my ebenezer, and just relax.

joel

joel's hard for me to get into, with all the worms right off the bat, and destruction.
theres removal of provision, and shame, and a call to cry out to the Lord.
he doesnt come and restore them yet.
then, a crazy strong army comes, totally insurmountable and its a darkness you cant get away from.
then the Lord comes. and its a different darkness, of power. but theres also kindness, and a call again to cry out to Him. ::in a deeper place, maybe?
theres a truth- we must continually turn to Him in our needs. come to me, come to me, oh yes, and weep and mourn before me. dont numb out or be "satisfying" your hurts, stroking them and saying its not that bad, i can cope and we'll get through this.

and then the Lord comes quickly in his response- i will restore all these things, and this huge army, that wasnt defeatable? i go that.
v.20 ch.2 "but I will remove far off from you the northern army, and will drive him into a land barren and desolate, with his face toward the east sea, and his hinder part toward the utmost sea, and his stink shall come up, because he hath done great things."

so, the bad things were so great, theyre going to be a rememberance, even from far away.
but.
v. 21 "fear not, o land; be glad and rejoice: for the Lord will do great things."
BaM!
He's our Covering, our Restorer. His presence, full and complete in our lives brings on a forgetfullness of the evil- wiping away the pain of the past from our eyes, until one day we see Him clearly! those great things covered, are covering, and will continue to cover.

i came to my page, forgetting that i had changed it. it was so wonderfully refreshing! it wasnt a color combo i would really have gone for, if i had time to think about it. but i did it in response to changing my title. i felt it needed new colors.
its interesting- when i think i know myself, and have myself all figured out... my self throws me for a loop. areas and thought patterns that i could have sworn were dealt with adequately, and could be put aside, still need lots of time. being kinder to myself and allowing my needs to be met ends up being a kindness to all. i have more on my heart, but not to be read here in coldness. or said with type. and im feeling weighted and worn, and sad that im not more present in the moments.

pieces of my day

went to enchanted rock today. great place, i love it. hadnt gone before. went with a friend that needed time to walk around while she talked things out. i am in awe of the beauty God lets me in on, and that he gives to me. like a truth she spoke over me. she told me something about myself that i seriously have never known. that i see the beauty in things that arent beautiful, or where the beauty is hard to find. that i find the loveliness in people whereas she would only be repulsed by their horrific personality- or lack of it. she used more words, but i was so blown away, i could hardly stay present. ::is this really me?!::
i forced myself to stay present; shes a safe friend. andshe loves mem, and wouldnt hurt me. i allowed her to see my joy in recieving her words, and let her know i had difficulty holding them.
i have to say, i thank God that he gives me grace now to love myself. to love what hes created and fashioned. mostly- most of the time:)
it helps to agree with him, that he makes beautiful stuff, when im out in his nature.
WHOA!
we are in agreement with the Lord, and see through his eyes, when we are walking in his nature! his character!
swweeeet.

found some lovely words in some shops on fredricksburg, wished tim was in my pocket so i could ask him what some german stuff meant. had some reallly good pizza at the brewery. laughed a whole lot with linds k. it felt good to really laugh.
hope beyond all hope, hope with probable pain at the end, is better than no hope. hope is my anthem.
and theres nothing to the phrase "false hope" - at that point it has ceased to be hope,and is just deception in the presence of blatant truths.

i was stopped at the gas station by a middle- aged man....maybe in his thirties, with just some premature grey. anyway. he commented- you have a dagger in your ear[clarification- i have a tapered, straight gauge. its a little under 2 in, i think.]
he wanted to know if it was a goth thing, and i responded. he probed, asking if there was a meaning.
so, i launched into why i have it. i paused right at the beginning, asking him if he knew stuff about the bible. he was like, duh! so i continued.
he made me clarify some points that i never even thought of before. i told him about the historical servant thing.
he asked me, so after a specific time, after youve done so much work, it changes?[im paraphrasing greatly, i cant remember what he said exactly. ]
i said, no, its a little different, and proceeded to give him my thoughts. he asked the same thing again, in a different way, and then i was able to give him my full response.
what i came away with, that feels very new and im surprised i didnt think about this on my own- this is a new covenant. its simply taking a symbolizm from the old law. theres nothing else thats remotely relatable. before i came to believe Gods love for me, i was working hard, working to be good. i was a "christian" then. it felt like slavery. when i finally started realizing his persuit and love of me, and that id rather be stripped, offended, misunderstood, broken, and whatever else with Him than successful and happy by myself, i wanted a symbol of my devotion out of love to the Lord. i want people to know the peace that our Spirit brings.
i didnt say all this to him. it felt really awkward that he was being so interested and was really allowing me the time to talk. i didnt know what to do with that. there were two sides to that. one, that he was just wanting to talk to me cuz i was cute and wanted to see if he could get anywhere, and two, he couldve just walked up to me and said- i REALLY need to give my heart to the Lord in thanks for what he has done for me RIGHT NOW!
so, the feelings associated with those thoughts. put them together. thats what i felt. i couldnt focus well.
but im thankful that he asked me about it . im glad for the clarification.

katy got me wondering, along with all the other stuff in my head right now.

im kinda on a high- Gods just awesome. he restated to me through a lightening storm that he is with me lovingly, and cares to show himself especially to me, and reminded me of his power that hes given me the grace to let flow through me.
if you want to know that full story, ask. its kinda long and i dont want to type it all right now.

im excited about change. with church, and really living more fully, and with my plans for a different home in dec...not knowing at all what my life is going to hold in a couple months is WAYYY cool. maybe it is just some humongo breakthroughs and personal awesomness in growth. maybe its alot of physical out ward changes, maybe some of both. but its coming. theres a truth in my gut.
so ive been excited the past week or so. and i got to meet up with shelley and chat last night. some of the places we went left me really curious. im encouraged and thoughtful and saddened for her and where shes been lately, and i enjoyed stepping into her life again. shes definitely a person that i can step into, into the rooms of her heart, and she lets me walk around pretty freely.
looking at her heart makes me see mine in a new light at times. well, most of the time. i was muchly shocked at some areas that she threw a different light on. the light was not rose colored, but it was real and filled with love.
im thankful for the people that God sets up as sentinels for my heart in different seasons.
i wish i could let some more specifics out; i hate when others are vague. hm. well, i can say this.

ya know how its said girls go for people that are like their dads? i really do that. i see it all the time, its very blatant. and i really tend to shy away from-with something very close to disgust- guys who are like my mom.

there are some traits about my dad, i think, that arent healthy for me to be around. this was hard to look at, and its fresh. last night fresh.
so im struggling with what ive always wanted, and what i think i might need and deserve.
::wow:: and deserve. that just came out.
long pause , in thought.
i deserve someone better than my dad.

ok, so i had an idea where i wanted this post to go, its gone now. like, i dont even remember what i was thinking at the beginning. to be continued..

i get lulled into thinking sometimes that im used to change. then something so subtle comes, and there i am again, back at square one. feeling like im back at square one.

peoples lives changing changes people. we are constantly a different person, and therefore are worthy of getting to know always.
i want to get to know people. i feel like i do. maybe i dont. actually, im really selfish. i always am trying to get the focus on myself . i hate that part of me. could you just leave, part, and let me enjoy people? that' d be great.

by the prodding....!

i'll admit ive been a bit quiet lately.
its been good. one reason being ive relaxed my grip that i didnt know i had.
God keeps us a little more lonely than we'd like to be for the sake or refocusing and centering. he'll remove your closest guy friends. just sayin.
he' ll also not allow anyone to come visit you at volvo, so you can listen to the mexican grandma, and enjoy her, and remind yourself that you getting grace group homework done is not as important as community.
i woke slowly, which is fairly nice. by slow i mean, waking up to rachael at 4 30, and being in and out of consiousness for 4 hours.
this next para is really random and is a run- on. skip it if you like.
[its raining right now and theres a hole in the roof somewhere; the droplets of rain find their way to a 2x4 and make really loud, obnoxious noises, and sllowly soak the sheet rock over and over, bowing it more and lengthening the crack, lengthening my fear of crashing down in the middle of the night - everything difficult happens at 2. when youre asleep the most-falling on my antique dresser, and making a hole for the squirrel , who at that point would be freaked out too from fallling in his sleep and waking up to a screaming girl and the 2 cats who keep him captive in his hole on the balcony when he wants to go find food...and then there would be biting and running and screaming, and more biting....tears, rabies, messy carpet, hysteric calls to the fire dept...]

i went to get my car maintanenced {sp?} and had the aforesaid convo.
they had chocolate milk mix there! i was so happy. i think volvo stalked me to prepare for my arrival. i put it in my coffee.
*note to self- and readers= swiss miss hot chocolate mix tastes WAY different than swiss miss chocolate mix. theres a richer- ness to the second, which actually is not as great in coffee. it overpowers.
i felt wrapped up in love this mornin, and there was nothing else to do but love other people.
God gave me this morning to get some things done, to alleviate my coming weekends. and its spurred me on- im feeling more prone to continue this trend tomorrow and accomplish some other outstanding phone calls and appt. making.
theres also the part where God has told me- slow down. you dont have to get it all done- and ive listened. ive listened!!!!! i didnt beat my fists and cry and give him all my amazing rationale.

ive rested.
i got my charm necklace-which ive had forever and only wore like the first 2 years i had it- turned into a bracelet and theres enough chain left for 2 more bracelets! im making my sis one for a wedd present; picking that up tomorrow. has two interlocked hearts and the hebrew symbol for life. 2 seperate charms. i want to keep the other piece for a future something. thought i would be selfish at first and make myself another one. eh.
there are other various doings. whatever.
i really enjoyed work more, and had a larger capacity to love, with the whole morning to become that way. hm. thoughts.
why dont i maybe try to go to bed earlier?
does God do this so i know the love that comes from me is not me?
do i need to take care of myself more[dont think so- wait. maybe so. theres a difference in caring for yourself and being selfish with your time and doings.]?

im quietly and pretty contentedly waiting for the timing of the Lord to move me from current job and church. and for him to send a perfect rent house. [and my husband;)]<<---its so cool, hes given me such grace in the truth that im finally accepting about waiting correctly. i feel set to rights, holding things weighted and with perspective.
went to olive "g"- thats what the sign said- to celebrate some of our sopd[stone oak pediatric dentistry] "alumni" in their new and more suited and less stressful jobs.
*its raining really heavily now, and im trying to not let the water on the ceiling get to me.
oooh! God stopped the noise of it:)))
thank you.
thank you for the morning to accomplish. thank you for the grace to recieve some critical words with humbleness and understanding for the other person. thank you for good co worker friends, and such that are believers.thank you for our openness in front of olive g to sing to you together. thank you for the rain and dancing and for lonely waiters that prick our hearts.
our waiters name was marky- mark. he actually resembled him.
there was a waiter in training, but i never saw him! im pretty sure the one with seniority pushed him away from our table- we're a bunch of beautiful women with lots to offer.
he was trying to get in on our jokes and be funny- most likely for a tip.
but some of the comments struck me. i couldnt come out of contempt for him long enough to lovehim well though.
"please buy some more drinks, it'll make me cuter"
"i'm gonna sit outside with you guys for a minute"
" we're giving out hugs?"- arms outstretched
he took pictures for us, and turned the camera on himself once
"what are you singing?"
all these comments sound obnoxious, and i personally took them that way. but he really was being super open. i almost went and gave him a hug. i wanted to. i wanted to ask him if hiss name was really mark, and what he liked to do, if he belived in the God we were singing about...but i was afraid. afraid that he'd think i was interested in him, that my friends would think the same, ...hm. thats mostly it.
EW
i bind that timidity to love well! in the Name of Jesus Christ, leave my mind! it feels so akin to the demons of homosexuality.may the Lord God deal with you severely.
these are the things that i must remember.
its okay to enjoy someone youre halfway attracted to
its okay to let them know that
theres so much more to a relationship than the boy/ girl "surface" aspect.-- for instance, this couldve become a life - long friend!
he's worth the invitation and the drawing out, as much as you are. [ i have a double standard there]
its worth the cost of possible friendly humiliation and taunting
he's worth possibly "falling in" love with.

whoa.see what happens when i just start a grace group? all this reality- and truth- telling.:P
i was able to stand in the rain. and walk in it. and sing in it. and enjoy.

rest

i thought id blog about the good times, not just harsh

God pulls me up and through. i need people- and im learning how to be needy in that. i let my desire to clean the apartment rest- i think that may happen a bit tomorrow. i had a good friend speak into me, shared some life with two others [helped me get my mind off myself], saw a good movie that was a conduit for crying::time travelers wife::, and laid out next to the pool in the late afternoon sun.
ive felt very distant from The Master of the Universe and my Life If i Let Him. thats all my doing. hes so good to me. its like the little kids at work- theres good i can do for them, i need to do for them. but they dont want it, they want to play. theyre scared of what might happen. they arent familiar with anything i have and even their parents' presence doesnt help.
so their parent[s] hold[s] them down lovingly, so they dont thrash and get an explorer stuck in their eye. some kids get so delirious with fear and anger that they arent even present anymore. theres no calming them at this point. you have to let them alone- sometimes they dont even want to be held and comforted by their parents [wow am i seeing myself in all of this! i didnt even have this thought fully formed when i started]. yea so thats me.
i read a really wonderful post by a really studious amazing lover of God. it was what i needed in its entirety[my needs' entirety]. i am very forgetful. i have to be reminded of what has been given me, of how i am loved, why i am here, and that i can utilize all those aformentioned things together in really lovely and varied ways.
im doing this for me; remind me if you see fit.
these are the things i need to remember.
God will glorify Himself.
all He has is available to me.
He will woo me lavishly, and strip me mercilessly to have me become fully.
i will be afraid of new things.
He is bigger.
maybe quitting a job and not having another lined up is okay[i didnt quit my job]
i will always have Him. i may have food, clothes, a car, and a place to live.
I have been given a love for children.
i want to be a mother, and thats okay. my children may be spiritual
i have been given capacity to speak into others
i have been given a desire for art
im getting a growing passion for sign language.
i need to pursue the things important to me-they are all loving people and worshipping God, and must be pursued and remembered as such.
managing daily "little drudgeries" matters; they influence/become the spiritual addictions or freedoms.

i want some supernatural power to at least be okay with how God works.

i dont necessarily need to know what hes doing, as long as im reconciled to the methods!

i feel so dead. been reading friends' blogs and theyre so full of life. theres a pouring into and an excitement for the future and im tired.

i want to push past the anxiety that i feel about stepping into new places. God opened a door for one of my co workers to step into a new field and im jealous:/

i dont understand myself though. im pretty whiney. im not doing anything to step into any different places.
i used to think, wow, i have this job and i can really fund others in what theyre doing and love on them that way. just giving that way feels empty after a while. i have 3 girls i sponsor. but i cant touch them or talk to them, know them and smell them.
the children at work come for services. i cant sit and watch the movie with them or play a game or sit in [sometimes feigned] rapture while they tell me a story.
i want to learn sign language and take art classes. but im just like my mother- it feels selfish so i dont do it. and it takse time- time that i barely feel i have now.

my little fantasy here is that some guy will come along and i will "have to" give up my job. that there will be a "reason."
that another great job will fall in my lap. and i can switch.
that i will have the guts to leave and not have my life planned out.

but then, God also asks us to count the cost.
am i being selfish to want to leave because some major components of my office are not in good frames of mind, not managed well....because my back hurts and im not sitting right, but i cant fix it properly because i see a child every 15 minutes....because because because.

if anyone has ANY idea about what God is doing with me, will you let me know? am i "out" of His will? am i really not paying attention? what do i do with this: i must be sinning, and not responding to him. nothing seems kind. i think im longing for him and following after him. is it not enough? when does the following become work? [im totally woking in my mind about this- how do i stop? ] when is my wanting discipline and slowing putting it into practice going to become discipline?

epiphany of mediocre proportions

something that shouldve been super clear to me a long time ago has elucidated itself.

ive always been a firm believer that the mess that is in your house [and, if it is longstanding] and in your car is a great indicator of your emotional well being. Of your life in general. ive always been a straightener. I try to actually clean too. Take your glasses off in my bathroom. ok.

so, ive always looked at myself as dealing with things well, and keeping myself peaceful through keeping my room straightened. If im visually cluttered, it starts to play out in my demeanor and vice versa. Youll see neat little piles in my room of things to do. actually getting them done is another story. theyre hardly ever neccesary, usually only little projects i make for myself.

lately ive been wanting the fall to come sooner so i can find a rent house and move in, start fresh, have a change, feel more settled, the list goes on. Appeasing this drive was a shadow of my type A personality mom. Shes helpful, this shadow. i enjoy her.
i took down all the artwork that could last being nearer to my destructo cats, and that wasnt huge. then i started downsizing/ organizing.
its wonderful!!
I rearranged some things in my closet which had an effect on some stuff in the living room! I wont go into all the details.
Some of the stuff i have is poorly organized or not organized at all, but gosh darn it- its in a pile! Or it was stuffed away and i didnt really think about it until i needed it.
my silly epiphany came while i was thinking about all the things Gods been teaching me lately. He has revealed alot of seemingly trite things [that the world would think trite- maybe even valid]. These are ways of relating. for the sake of time, ive basically been very judgemental and exacting of people in my lifetime. Thats the biggest thing, anyway.
How this plays into my reorganizing/ throwing away:
Ive hidden this. Its been so laughable, because ive scorned people who dont have it all together[ "tsk,tsk. they should really deal with the issues they have. cant they see how it effects their everyday life?"].
ive placated myself within the areas im currently looking at. Ive thought, theyre in "piles" -its dealt with, im good.
Being shown my problem with obedience to dicsipline is now looking really interesting. In the spiritual realm, i gave myself loopholes to what i thought were rules and tasks i had to carry out to be good. The neat little piles, the half-baked dealt with problems.

its pretty neat to see God deal with me gently by utilizing the physical and mundane.
It will be exciting to have a more "dealt with" heart. Instead of hidden messes, Things that have been sorted through, culled for worthlessness, straightened, and put in more appropriate, effective, maybe efficient, easy- access places. Easy access to me. not necessarily to everyone.

grace groups start in a month! ah. That was an "im- so- freaked- out- i- cant- even -scream- properly" ah. Look what im doing for all of you! More punctuation and caps. Geez. What work- friendships are difficult:)
So when i was typing "friendship," i accidentally put "friendshield" [and that last time it came out "friendsip"- friends should be sipped, and enjoyed. Long, refreshing and tastey. ok]
Friendshield. It is appropriate to shield sometimes. Doing that with friends is really important because we know deep parts of our friends, they've intrusted them to us to hold as treasure. [and no man is an island. would that make us treasure peninsulas?]
Defend, Cover, Surround. to quote [and slightly mock] some of my friends that have proven/i hope will prove to be shields- so....yes. its true.
On to the first topic that was spoken/typed. Grace groups and leadership.
Leadership is somewhat of an icey bedfellow to me right now. I know its correct in being present, but its not so fun or inviting.
Thats about it. Thanks to the typo that took a rabbit trail, otherwise this post was going to be very small.

tim, dan, and jon, please dont read this. seriously.

todays sermon made me want to become a christian [again]. that was refreshing!
its cool to see roger get excited. he rocks/steps back and forth. kinda rainman -esque. anyway. i was so thankful to get refocused again.
"the more i see the more i love you"
when i am surrounded by clouds and fog and there seems to be powerful, unattainable forces around me- im seeing the Lord. i can see his perfect shining beauty behind all of the out of focus in front of him- out of focusness that he causes. i dont understand why he knows that the besdt way to my heart is making me frustrated with not seeing clearly most of the time. trusting him becomes my heartbeat and im left with a pounding in my chest. the drumbeat rollsdown my cheeks and im left speechless to the outside. how d oi download in a few moments what God continues through my lifetime? im left with the words "okay" and alright," and a half- baked smile and searching eyes. wondering if anyone will take the time to open up their arms into a place of rest for me to settle in.
God gave me an unexpected place to unpack in, an unexpected friend whom i almost didnt call. she was quiet enough to let me know sounding crazy is okay, silent long enough to tell me she wasnt going to try and give me answers. and she wanted to spend time with me still. after she knew-after she heard the deepest weaknesses/ fears in their moment of "glory."
i know Hes all i need.
Hes not all i want yet. i cant say that im okay with only him. i have idolized not being alone. i know we are made for community. and i know longing for a spouse is okay, and right and normal.but theres the other side. i still have this notion that my life will be better once i get in a relationship. i have this belief that my ministry will THEN really take off. just like dan said, his sufficiency has only been allowed to feel like -well that was good, considering. - not, that was filling.
i hate being around ms so much because of the blatant reality of my heart displayed in his words and actions. i dispise how hes constantly looking for some girl- any girl- in such an open way. his neediness disgusts me. but only because i feel it. so that is a portion of what im feeling/thinking now. my neediness and longing debilitates me because i think i should be better than this. im still trying to kill something in me that just wants to be singled out. to have it proclaimed over me- i love her, and only her.
and when im around younger girls, and they are having an easy time of showing their attraction and longing, i feel disgust. im mad that they can be so open and they have guys they can do that with, and apparently not feel intense. the guys dont seem to be very afraid. but when i do it, i feel so intense, and i can see the unsettledness in their shifting gaze and stance. and so ive stopped.
its still happening inwardly. and im bloodied and bruised inside.
a couple months ago i watched mona lisa smile. i was championing inside for the subtle feminism that was being touted. let me say i do think people should go to college to learn, and its a great thing. theres the other side. [which is shown in the movie] its okay to want to drop everything and become someones ezer kenegdo[helpmeet].i found myself thinking the other day about the reality in my heart on this subject. if i had found someone in college, and we married, i may have just dropped the career path. probably wouldve finished because im a commited person. but i could totally see myself back in the day, going to a college to get an associates in wifery. [like midwifery. its a short "i" and very fun to say].

so God speaking over me and singing over me and all that- not enough. it sounds so ugly. my not finding it sufficient sounds ugly.
my thoughts are- would it kill him to let me hear words specific words from one person, to let me feel special and . it did kill him. but he did it for everyone! i dont see anything that he has done just for me. he says hes with me all the time but hes never here the way i want him to be. he made us for fellowship with each other. we're community people, and i feel so alone. so if he wants me to find rest in him and be really satisfied in him, wouldnt he make my moments with him more satisfactory? and im reminded that we are the body. meant to be Christ to each other. shit, wont you leave me alone to my sadness? [he never lets me go, but never seems to hold me close enough to where all this is removed and joy fills its space. ]

i was reading this blogentry- http://tracyawesome.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/07/memory-and-aching.html
and aching is resonating with me. i have found in myself a fairly easy ache when it comes to praying over other people, longing for more with God, other people, fighting my flesh, etc.
but i hate it. i have hated feeling this thing that i cant explain. and so i push it down. oh. i was going to say push down the responsibility. but thats not what it is. its a priviledge. should be.
"aviod the ache of remembering"
it hurts to remember who were supposed to be- who we are. sometimes - alot= i dont allow myself to be who im meant to be. and i dont speak, dont look in the eye, dont give the benefit of hte doubt, dont remember that i stumble too. all these things, if i were to do them, i would definitely be more achy. i have been strict and exacting lately. demanding from others, mostly just in my mind.
"...teach me to be humble
call me from the grave
show me how to walk with you upon the waves
breathe into my spirit
breathe into my veins
until onnly love remains

you burn away the ropes that bind and hold me to the earth
the fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth
i know that i deserve to die for the murder in my heart
but be gentle with me Jesus \
as you tear me apart...

...i know that i am shadow
but im dancing in your light." JJ Heller

i have not much to say. i just feel like talking. fb feels to sterile. this feels cozy. weird how something so detached can feel nice like that. today was kinda hard, but okay. i grieve for my co workers. loving your job but getting your butt busted for measly pay sucks.
"keep on waitin, waitin on the world to change"
id definitly like my world to morph a bit more.
some things ive been thinking on lately:
change
fear
suffering
accomdating
living fully
we are beautifully disciplined in the mundane- thats where true christianity shines. the trouble and suffering that Christ talks about is found in the things we find drudgerous. [most of the time, for an american christian. yes, we encounter trauma]

i feel far from where my heart used to be a few months ago- when i felt very soft.
ive been slowly shown that im kinda hiding parts of myself from God and from myself. not to mention others. but i dont know what these places hold.
so. i dont know how im "blocked off".
thats about it. i think im going dancing.

dear dan

it is so titled because i wanted to expressly tell dan this- but its too cool.
and i thought about giving it to him to expound upon, but wanted it to be mine.:)

"touching the hinge"
the def:
when someone gently impacts you in such a way as to allow "illumination" into the deeper,slightly hidden treasures [i.e., delicate, precious things] of yourself . usually creates a warmth and invitaion to know more, possibly even to let inside.
:-DDD
i just had fun.

also [i told you this was a blog directed at dan], if you ever get the chance-hm. who is my audience-okay. if you havent already heard dan pray over old people, you should jump at the chance. he will make you want to wear dentures and maybe even be on your deathbed, just so you can be under his care and know you are loved.

major mood swing,or spiritually sensitive?

so, on the 20th im at an awesome place
the next day, i have some more awesomeness, like my bro making the move to be proactive in his relationship with Christ, getting to tell people about it, and having great hang time with lindsay k.
and then i hit a scarey and familiar wall. i think.
i felt fidgety and unsettled after my testification of Gods hand on my bro. and then other things started cropping up.
praise God for friends that he places in my life, thank you that Youre teaching me to be needy and ask.
mike clarified that satan didnt like it.
erin prayed over me.
shelley called me and was a beautiful container.
called erin and told her i was good, and got some affirmation in a realm of life that im not fully cognizant of how to live in yet. [aka men and my relations to them]
btw any guys reading this, dont flip out please. thanks.

all this to say, at one point i was wondering if i indeed have some depression. one of my friends that has major depression presented this.
this well meaning lady at church asked me once if ive looked at the possibility that i may suffer from bipolar disorder.

i know that Jesus Christ brings soundness. i also know that alot of people really do struggle with imbalances.
part of me feels a bit cocky almost, saying that i am spritually aware, that i can really be impacted by what happens around me.
but its true. and a bit frightening. and reassuring. the craziest part of this to me is that when i see and understand Gods goodness the most, is when i feel so overcome. and satan hates that.
too bad, you! THE King of Kings is the encompassing truth and victor!

YYYYEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!

i dont have it all together- and thats okay!!! ive never been so ecstatic about my lack of ability before. hehehehehheheehhhhahahahhahhhah! wooooO!
what a load off.
i dont know why that hit me so hard. but its a great feeling. i should think about things more when im really tired. maybe that gave me the added rush;)
nono. im kidding[although i am tired].
i think its because i had felt so much stress all at once a few weeks ago, and some of that was forum stuff. right now, some more "forum stuff" came up, and i was like, sweet, we can work this out!
ahhh.
ok, night.
wait. one more thought. i believe the excitement has to do with the fact that i know Gods not done. hes never done, and this is going to flow further than i can imagine...

i want to be here, sharing, but i dont have much to share.
ive been recieving affirmation about finding training for counseling. i have NO idea what thats going to look like at all. it could look different, even, than all of the possibilities ive thought of.

theres some softening thats come about from all the difficulty that ive had recently. it puts me in a quieter place to be able to have sorrow over where people are. for instance, when my boss is acting stupid. i rant a bit to God, and then he brings very quickly a grief over where shes been and what shes had/ having to deal with. and then im placed in a postion to look at myself, and seriously consider how i can interact with her well, and love her.

im so thankful for his working!!!

bible stuff- swweeeet.

ive had a bunch of crappy weeks all together.
i think Gods doing something.
its hard for me to not understand.
lasst night, i was in bed, and i COULD NOT shut my brain off. with all the things that have been going on for me, and my wanting to make some sort of sense of them... i was trying to solidify if it was demons, Gods refinement, if i was out of his will; i thought of everything. i finally decided to sit up, turn the light on and read. i wasnt sleeping anyway.
luke 8
i always gravitate toward this passage. hence the theme of my blog. but something jumped out at me last night.
"then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed,"
and its followed by an action filled with unknowing, submission, and proclaimation.
HUGE to me right now.

i also had[before that] been in some psalms.
49-57
i understood 54 and 55.
i UNDERSTOOD it. like it was giving voice to the pain in my heart. id never had that happen before in the psalms.
just wanted to share.

oh, and its pretty cool to read ps 119 and song of solomon juxtaposed. you may hate it. it was beautiful to me.one verse, back and forth.

i think i only come here to write when ive had some hard moments.
work SUCKS, and i cried alot today. i was reminded that in this world i will have trouble, but to take heart. then, lovingly i was reminded of suffering in this life by some blogs.
but i was wondering...how to take heart when im so distraught? i felt today like only God could piece me together, and it almost seemed as if he was putting me together ENOUGH, and i had to take care of the rest. lemme just tell you, its scarey thinking you might burst into tears literally over a childs mouth.
it all was fine. i was taken care of- but i didnt feel or see it in the moment.
later, he gave me mercy. i was supposed to work tomorrow- there werent enough patients, though, so a co-worker and i flipped a coin on it. i won:-D
that is a blessing beyond what can be understood by anyone other than me.
and in light of that- He is TOTALLY holding me! i dont like suffering, but i guess i need to start getting used to it [one of my other co-workers made a comment to the effect that we have a "getting used to suffering" to go through.].
theres a bit of selfish groaning inside, to think that im going to continue to feel.
try to track with me:
suffering hurts
theres going to be more, and it may not stop until im 100- dear God take me sooner!!!!
he awakens my heart
my heart feels
i will be feeling through suffering.
bleh.
and engulfing a piece of birthday cake straight off the table with your mouth=duh, what else would you engulf it with?=doesnt help. but it does taste good. its pure. no utensil taste.
the point of that is...i cant deaden anymore. i know the places i go to deaden, and its really difficult for me to actually deaden.actively.
i may become numb over a period of time, but then im always like, WHOA!!! when did THAT happen?!
im still trying to figure that out.
****being alive and in feeling mode takes awareness and action. ****i get tired. and then i get mad and fuss at God. thats about it. im grateful for his gentleness.
i have acid reflux from stress. sweeeeeet.

i was reading one of tims older blogs- thank you sir for blogging so much. it makes me feel like an internet sloth. even moreso than i already am- and he said at one point that he longed for real communication in a room of eighth grade boys. 

what do you do with a longing like that when involves your family members? and your spiritual matriarch [grandma]? do i really just like analyzing things? ::maybe::

but thats not an excuse to push someones desire  for communication away.  i should talk about me. it pushed my desire for deeper places with my grandma, and she pushed me away. it hurt. 

yesterday i encountered some interesting ways my immediate family was relating, and lemme tell you. speaking into the unspoken paces is hard.

so just a little update- God is still at it. 

im trying to work up the nerve to go hang out with the youth at my church.

and possibly [probably] stepping down from the Sophia ministry leadership. which makes me sad.

i had a really difficult chat with one of my friends last night- shes having a hard time with relationship stuff. i cant believe God has me talking with her about it. im  only one step ahead of her. maybe half a step. it was interesting to realize how much i was pushing her at one point, and to see her not "get it." or at least it seemed that way. maybe i analyze things too much:-P  [exactly what is it i was wanting her to "get"? im not even sure.]

Gods been asking me to get up in the morning and spend time with him. heh! its funny to observe myself.  i can wake up early and get going if i need to go on a cruise or come down to corpus, but meeting the Mister of the Universe- thats just too hard. hes a kind love that allows me in my humanness to lay in bed and offer up half prayers and sleepy slurrings.

there was a woman in cozumel that yelled at us as we walked past-"DONT BUY ANYTHING FROM THAT MAN, HE'LL RIP YOU OFF!" needless to say i was shaken. i  had already passed the man before and had no intention of getting anything- but her exclamation made me want to, to spite her. 

it grieved my heart. the husband was passive as the wife proceeded to decimate the man to another, who had nominal authority as an info guy for tourists. he stood there and just listened. as we walked away, my anger and grief grew, and looking back now, im really sad i didnt turn around and love on her. or chastise her. either action wouldve probably elicited the same response, considering her mindset. 

we walk through life with life abundant while others walk round dead. im exhorted.

i just realized as i read over the beginning of this- im a little hard to follow sometimes. sorry.

i have to speak. tonight God pushed me into the next level. he only knows how much preperation ive needed. ive been able to see some of it. but just one thread- to have my job/ office go through economic problems and give the people there growing pains with each other [ aka drama to the nth degree], just to push the need for how we relate to change, and make me get up earlier. ive seen such a huge need for praying over EVERYTHING in my life, and God brought about external work circumstances to push me into creating time to meet with him. and opening my eyes just a crack to the spiritual realm. i pray it continues. he started a process of healing in my body, and reinforced to me my desires to be a prayer warrior, to stand in the gap and speak into others.
im going to the Love Won Out conference to get some resource and whatever God has for me. if you have never heard of this- check it out.
ahhhh! i have no idea what my life is going to look like, and im totally stoked!! youth, children, all ages, women, whatever. prophecy [words of exhortation, encouragement, comfort], healing, being a catalyst for pulling people away from homosexuality and into a place of clarity, dancing, singing, whatever! here, there, dental hygiene, not, whatever! sleep, no sleep...whatever.
in whatever he has, im willing. because grasping his hem is my goal. i didnt realize completely what i was saying when i said that. when it was given. it entails risking everything and stepping out into what i hope and believe and KNOW about what he has done and given- what he wants to give us. its showing the crowd all i have. its being needy in community. possibly holding out for ridicule all of the tenderest places in my heart.

needy

i have to get this out more than whats available to me.
tonight something happened at a friends house and it totally triggered and dredged up a huge chunk of my past.
it was unravelling.
thankfully my friend was there to hold me and listen. im struck now with realizing the ripple effect that my past is having on my future.
and the oddity that these ripples exist in an alternate universe where they seem like they may become torrents- not fun.
i need to be reminded that he holds me and to give myself grace to look at everything and reflect and soak up truth.


::my husband, bless his soul, will be amazingly patient and be able to contain much::

im in this thing called grace group. by open hearts ministries. very awesome. check it out. anyway. lately i have been feeling the weight of my invitation and impact on people through my words. and to believe that i have something wonderful to give to people has been a long road.

lately ive been able to grab hold of that and become more of who i am.
woot!
i am still human also.
meh!
so tonight at grace group this lady was talking about how wonderful her life has been lately- geez, im using that word alot- and that she didnt see any places needing prayer [in the realm of breaking agreements with lies that shes believed. if thats confusing and curious, ask me]. i pushed in and pretty forcefully asked her if that was really true, because how she was reacting to the situation at hand felt like [to me] that she didnt want to look at something.
i was forceful. i definitely couldve drawn her out in a loving way, and truely been concerned with her heart. i was moreso in a place of bitterness and contempt for her happiness. why, im not sure yet.
probably comes down to comparison- ive had to do this, and some more things came up tonight, and i know im gonna have to do this again! why dont you?!?- yea, thats it. ok.
so i pushed in a "tough girl"way a very gentle soul. she got quiet. i didnt save her, thankfully, but i definitely had some pride goin on at the same time. and i couldnt apologize. then we got really deep into actually entering into praying with a woman who wanted to break a curse right then! it was AWESOME to be there, that she let us enter that.
afterward the lady i had pounded spoke up and let us know she wasnt able to enter into the joy of that moment because she had been so hurt that we had minimized the joy she had been trying to share. i wasnt able to meet her in the pain of what i had said. i wasnt sorry at first. that felt weird. i think i was battling some pride still. and its not like she totally dismissed what i had said. she actually took it in and was thinking about it, and was glad that it pushed her to speak against it, and is going to stay open to some of that possibility! this woman astounded me in that moment. and later she had the beauty about her to let me explain where i was - after i figured it out- and enter into conversation with me futher about it.
i have been holding myself up on this pedestal that i have so much figured out and im so awesome and have great words all the time, and everyone needs to listen to me.
i was reminded, although i have MUCH good, i have alot of responsibility. correct responsibility. that must be handled with gravity. fighting against my silence may end up coming out in a torrent of feelings and words, in an effort to "conquer" the past evil silences. thats not necessarily a great thing. slowing down to know what im feeling and thinking -really thinking- is crucial.

i used to loathe responsibility. now i dislike it sometimes.
im really amazed at how much God asks me to have. its probably a normal amount, and my previous hatred of it makes it feel huge.
actually believing that we are to help with one anothers' burdens- and thinking of the people God has placed in my path- well, im slightly overwhelmed. in a good and bad way.
yay growth! [help me, Jesus!]

yay new layout!

thats all.
i want to write something meaningful, but i think its smarter to wait until i actually have something to say, and go to bed for now:)

prayer for movement.

im starting to feel the pull- slightly- back into youth ministry. im pretty scared. but im now willing to admit that its where my heart is most of the time. i think im mostly posting this because i need prayer. prayer to start walking into whatever is available. and doable. i mean, id like to keep my day job. ;) i also need to be laid before the throne because of my aforementioned fear. in my last church, i was a super-integral part of the leadership team, and i took those kids on as my babies. i didnt know i had done that at the time. maybe i had made them an idol. dunno. but when i had to leave for say-town, it ripped my heart apart. its taken about =well, until now for it to heal. 2 years and 7 months. thats longer than my healing from the very painful /messed up[aka lesbian] relationship. i wonder why its deeper. why i havent looked into that more. why i didnt think it needed as much attention.
im interested at the timing of this reawakening. its felt like all of a sudden its hit me again. no rhyme or reason. i think my movement into inquiring about possibly helping is going to be slow.
i need prayer for my heart to rest and for God to place everything where it needs to be in a way that i can see it clearly and understand the futility of fighting it!:) thanks friends.

i always write about hope, it seems

hope has been expanding.
i have had lovely friends pursue me, and let me know im worth it, and i am thankful.
i feel like its a preparation for me to be able to interact with my husband well.
i was wanting a house, and got a car instead. that made me really wonder about my seeming need to be settled in stark contrast to being mobile.
our family has a friend my age that is currently living with them. hes from africa and is going to school here, and so has a valid student visa. for some reason he had to renew his regular visa or something, and was turned down. hes looking at thousands of dollars to contend it. his life looks and feels very transient right now.
i have other friends who are embarking on the mission field right now, have already done so, or are thinking about it for thier future.
i have friends who have lost thier jobs[big surprise right now]. its still scarey, esp. when its so "close."
i guess ive just been thinking more that im not promised anything here, and this is not my home, and who friggin knows whats gonna happen- i could end up in canada for all i know[it was the most randomly weird place i could think of- romania or something of that nature isnt so strange to me:)].
i look forward to the possibilities- husband, coming alongside him in his love for God, whatever thats going to look like[!], hopefully be able to foster parent or adopt somewhere in there, ahH! thinking about possibilities is unending! who knows what God prepares us for ! just being able to walk alongside believers and non believers alike, and grow and minister, and be ministered to=
what an adventure!
hm. i will be tired. i will get hungry:) ill cry. ill laugh. ill get hurt. ill be mistreated, and lavished on. ill lead. ill love. ill be misunderstood. ill misunderstand. ill be known. ill know. ill listen. ill stay up late on purpose , and against my will.
life is sounding really exciting right now! even the "ucky" parts. anyway. that was my brain on lots of water [and great tea, thanks to kelsi:)].

purple is so huge right now

and that has nothing to do with what im about to say.i am royally frustrated with my Lord and Savior.
i just "blame shifted"
He constantly calls me to deepness with him
i want it
not sure how to go about this in a way that feels kind, apparently.
im so stressed out and he keeps reminding me i can rest in him. in different instances i have.
i cant seem to stay there.
i want so badly to be in the Word, and theres an almost loathing to the discipline.
how can i allow myself to be grounded when i cant "sit still" long enough?
gosh. i should sleep. thats a start to having more clarity. and get off facebook[i wrote this on facebook, and then it got too revealing for all those stalker eyes]. i would really enjoy barfing lots of dislike over something right now. im not sure what.why am i so crazy/ cranky? ok. whew. love yall, see ya later, ill be good tomorrow probably.
[i wonder if the looming valentine day is bringing stress.][[the very aspect that i thought of that right as im ending this probably holds some weight. ok, new note. inside the old one. valentines day is my parents anniversary. yay! i cant explain right now how wonderful that is to me. ive really had great valentineexperiences- my parents always make a big deal about it. i actually thought all the v. day stuff was normal. for some of you, your experiences are similar. but i also have heard of many families who dont do anything for each other- no cards, no presents. so , ive never felt lack of fun-loving fun and love on vday.and theres always excitement about possibility. i think im crazy btw. i feel like im putting out there what alot of people feel but maybe are afraid to say. keep in mind im also sleepy.but i dont feel it.im stalling because im wondering if i should really write this.yea, okay. theres that huge disappiontment about not having the knight in shining armor just randomly show up and take me on a date.
seriously, i want him to be incased in metal.
hahahhah! jk.maybe an alligator suit... anyway.
i really enjoy vday and how people are more dressed up, and if you go anywhere that day, people are happier, and theres expectancy, and flowers and chocolate exploding everywhere....its truely amazing.and it feels like the world is claustrophobic in a good way. like you could hug some random stranger and they would be a little more inclined to respond with a smile and understanding instead of their new personal gun freedom.
someone was shot in my apt complex recently btw. neither shooter or shootee were in any way related to any tenents.
and james jennings sent a video about dead baby parts and im glad my comp doesnt buffer well. i got away from those. ive seen pictures. i wonder why i thought i could handle watching a video. there were warnings. this sounds like im saying i shouldve known better. hm .yea, and i also should let myself grieve. but i feel like ive been! theres sorrow in my soul i dont understand.

and then im frustrated with myself, cuz i think i know what God requires and what hes telling me . i just dont want it to be hard. so i shut my ears. i fight him oohh!! i fight him so much. this grieves me because im fighting him now. ive wanted to read some bible and such, and ive been on the computer. and for some reason im spilling my guts so people can read them.
im very upset that God hasnt allowed me my husband yet. more upset than i like to admit. i feel very ugly because thats not what its all about and i struggle with making my future husband an idol. there are children dying of bullets and hunger and im buying an 88$ dress to wear on vday when theres nothing of note happening, its a day. i get so intense about my future spouse., hes alll thats on my mind for days. this isnt healthy, i dont think. although i have worked out this plan where i actually start caring about his days, now. i pray for him more and pray scripture over him. hopefully God will settle my heart a bit so i can hold the hope and desire and not be a friggin basketcase. those of you who stuck out through this really rabbity post, thanks. ]]