the lights twinkle, and i dont have that same glow inside, like usual.
many people i have spoken with over the course of this month have agreed- the Christmas "mood" or "spirit" doesnt feel the same, or isnt with them.
yea....
there are alot of thoughts happening, and im hopeful to get them all out cohesively.

i dont want to be happy just for the season, but i do want to feel the joy from my Lord. i have been upset about a  few things, and some have to do with Him. i had joy today, and some yesterday...i allow the circumstances to wreck that. just tonight, i came home tired, but it was ok. then i realized i had double scheduled something in january. argh!!  i get som upset with myself. how hard is it to follow a calendar, and tell people you'll get back to them..? apparently, pretty difficult.
whenever i screw up i tell myself thats why i dont have any kids.
its a stupid excuse. its not true. i will screw up when i have children :)
it feels like the more i try for rest and order in my life, the harder and more hectic it becomes. i just want to give up. going out of town for Christmas to corpus, and then for a day trip basically in the valley to see my grandmother, is stressing me out. i just feel  tired all the time. i know that allowing my circumstances to dictate my feelings is not right. and i also know that God loves me too much to not let this sink into my being. it looks like i will  be dealing with this struggle for a bit then.  bring on the hard stuff. lets go ahead and get through it. help me rest in you. i am tired. all this makes me mad. i dont know why living with you is so hard. this  life as a christian would be easy, if it was just suffer outwardly. i could handle that pretty well. but this inward stuff. it takes time and thoughtfulness. and rest and trust. somehow thats gotten hard for me to do lately.

a tear in the veil

a tear- like, something being torn.
ok.
there has been darkness covering me. and today it feels a bit torn. and light is coming through. ive wondered if i have depression...when i think about these past couple weeks, and the other times it has been like this, i think im more apt to believe there is spiritual fighting happening.
strange to think that my sadness in longing for marriage, and for purpose in my life so my passions can find an outlet, are attacks from evil. and really, they in themselves arent.
but they are being used. maliciously.
last night i broke out of keeping it together and cried in front of some friends. let them know how much my soul and heart have been grieving.
this morning at work i lost it and couldnt stop crying; i was trying to hide it and just review charts. a co worker had said something biting, out of her own stress and pain a bit before, and it just broke the dam. another co worker asked me how my weekend was, and my voice was all husky- i knew i wouldnt be able to just cover it up. so i cried and told her i thought maybe i was being spiritually attacked, since ive been waiting on God for real and liking it, and growing...this morning i read something that reminded me to not think it strange when there are attacks in our minds.
another co worker came in and prayed over me. today was good, got through. was able to rejoice in the sweet care of God. i keep bringing myself to speak of gratefulness. evils just trying to distract me and remove this peace that im cultivating! and its not going to win! i ask the Lord to fight for me. and remind me. i plead and groan for joy to be present in my life. those of you that know me more deeply, know the joy is there...but when co workers tell you they like you better on energy drinks, cuz youre more fun/ happier? something is wrong. [ i drank an all natural energy drink -vemma- at work one day and was so full of energy and silliness.i also couldnt go to sleep that night well.]
and i offiically love florence+the machine
back to the title......
i love that God ripped through the separation  and darkness that was between the perfect relationship that awaited us, and us.
i love that he ripped through this darkness today, and yesterday, and the other days, with his tender words.
he doesnt show up the way i want and he doesnt make it easy. but he does it right. and he does it perfectly.

wondering what my soul looks like

last night--i think it was last night-- i was very sad.
this is happening more regularly, me being sad. sometimes it is triggered by the young married guy getting consolation from a friend that the cranky, no sleep baby phase his wife is going through with their little one will, indeed, pass.
its a dear sweet mentor telling me things like, "your husband is going to love your hair." and she meant it.
its holding my coworkers newborn.

so, these moments have been more common lately, and i have resigned myself to the fact that i may be crying myself to bed every night now, and thats the season im in. God knows.
im about to tell you my most comforting piece of truth, the one ive been choking, im holding it so hard. [i'll give you a hint-  i already said it]
GOD KNOWS
so much of a place of rest for me lately. i think i AM learning this rest stuff. waiting is sooooo haaaaard! ive mentioned it before, i know.  its just, nothing new is happening. so we talk about the same things.

i used to have alot more community available to me, where we could all be real and say exactly whats going on, and it was ok, and not shocking, i miss that so much. its felt like part of me has been slowly dying; im finding it harder to be open with people. that scares the shit out of me to think that i am hiding.  calling friends to chat is probably a good remedy for this, and one that is hard for me to do. thanks a lot, God.

so, heres a way for me to feel like im still being vulnerable. its kinda cheating, but kinda not.  last night i was crying so much - and when i do that, i wonder what i look like, i wonder if my soul is showing. taking expressionless pictures of myself is not a good idea. i looked super weird. so weird, that i started laughing, and thought, lets see if we get any good pics out of that! [ you might be thinking- youre not laughing in those pictures. but if you had just cried as much as i did, thats what laughing comes out as.] and i think i'll throw in the sketches i was doing while all this was going on. its me sad, and me happy.

just overflowin.

im super tired, but i want to brag on God! hes so great! i want to put this on fb, but my update is there, and i want ppl to see it so they will stop bugging me:)
had a great day with God. he is such a blessing. good people, good talks, giving me freedom with my self. sometimes, do you hold your 'self' in too much esteem? i do, and start taking myself way seriously, and not focusing on others....
there has been more healing. and the funny thing with God is, sometimes he sneaks healing in, and im like, WHA...- omg! thank you!
in the letters to the churches, paul talks a bit about the mystery of God. its Christ in us. its all his work; ALL his work. none of the work can be ours, its impossible. our role is to search out that mystery that in in us by the holy Spirit, and thank him for it, and make sure the things we are learning are biblical, that the thoughts and 'christian' ideas we here are truely based in the bible.
the word was showcased today.
what i mean by that is, the word of God.
-the bible
-Christ being the vehicle for that spoken God-word, that started it all, and in him all things consist and have their meaning and being [john 1:1 and on]
-our words! ...if Christ lives in us, and we have the fulness of joy and the hope of glory, that means he is at work in us, and need to say yes to all opportunity of thankfulness, to cultivate joy, and also allow him to guide our thoughts  and words, so that his glory can be seen and be giving others his hope of salvation!

i cannot fathom that he is so willing to make us his body, and allow his holiness to live in us. he loves us enough to sign up for battle with our sinful part, battle over the broken places to make us whole and battle over our true self, to give us freedom.
and i came upon  such rest tonight while at the bible study. i have been running up against so many people wanting to know where my life is headed, wanting to see the purpose, see some fruit and some doing. which is good- i want to see it too.
and there is a time of waiting now, and learning to surrender and say yes. and i am there. and im not getting ahead of God; i am waiting. it does not look productive at all. i am ok with that. im so ready for the next person to ask me what is happening, and where i think God is leading , and if i have any direction yet. i so want to be able to tell them a resounding NO and just shine out this restful joy that hes given. i want to usher them into the idea that God is not so hung up on production as we see it. his time table is so different.
yea. Christocentric! [bwahahah. its a word, apparently. it feels like ACTIVATE! #shoutouttaytay]

getting ready to be grateful

came to the blog and wrote out a list of where i am at. i love all the words, and all the feelings that are here. hope is alive. i found a legal pad i was writing notes on, and had no idea when this was taking place- reading all the things i was wrestling with, and thinking through- it baffled me! they were hitting me directly NOW.  and i had written them and struggled through them then. it was while reading listening to love by jan meyer. friggin sweet.
ok, heres the list, and my expounded - ness on it

rest. silence--reading part of a book tonight, after not using my allotment of words today, i found the perfect way to strive for rest. the author brought up time, and movement, and the heart in a picture of the water wheel. its moving, and water is moving forward, and its constant. the core of it is the heart. [this is where i take it where my mind is right now] yes, there  is movement and life at the core. its part of the movement. and it is silent and still, almost. definitely moving less  than what is happening on the outside. almost being introspective, if you can go there with me.

not speaking- this is just always cool to me. i think i become astounded at the fact that with my personality, i can literally NOT SPEAK for hours on end.

clean-ness- it was not my intention to clean today. and, my house is clean. the bathroom cabinet and the pantry are more organized. if you come over, you should look in the bathroom  cabinet. its all orderly and cute.  being clean and straightened up helps me rest and create.

listening- passed out more food boxes with the lady in my apt complex, and listened to her, not just her words but her vibes. listened to the people we met and talked to. i love being grounded enough so that i pay attention to more words than the mouth can say. dunno if my body, mind, expressions and words respond to all that i hear; i hope they do.

creating space- there was a moment. well. 2 moments. one before i made/ ate dinner, and one after, where i kinda panicked. [and this is the first time i noticed that "panic" picks up a "k" for the past tense] anyway, i was wanting movement, people, something to do, but nothing that i had available to do, did i want to do. and i sat and made myself still. created a moment that i didnt naturally feel. started drawing[ ok, doodling], when i didnt want to. didnt feel inspired. it became a wonderful time.

opportunity- i had my day open. laundry and cleaning ended up happening, which is great. mrs mcginty called me later in the day when it was looking like tie -dye with the kids wouldnt be happening, and we did some more food boxes. which takes me to the next thing on the list...

saying yes- its what i did all day, and its what ive been trying to live out. just settling in the belief that everything that passes before me has the possibility of dignity in it- it has the worth of being considered to be lived out. obviously im only talking about good things.  the kids got all excited about ruth's gift of a tie-dye kit to me, and im finally trying to make it happen for  them. not enough kids were at home all at the same time for it to be worthwhile to mix the dye. so i told the ones that were here, we'd pick a future date and make flyers so everyone could be here. and i didnt really want to go with mrs mcginty to knock on more doors, but she was getting all worried about the oranges we had to give. so saying yes was an exercise in graciousness, and loving her and the people we were ministering to in that moment opened my heart so much. i like to feel kindness flowing from myself. non- judgement of others. love knowing God does live through me.

finding my girl- i mean me. that girl that i know, that i knew, that used to be present all the time. she is here today. last night i talked with someone, and she asked about my testimony, and i didnt even mention the homosexuality, and right after i finished sharing, she disclosed that someone super close to her had decided on that lifestyle. we talked, and i revisited myself a bit. there was a time that i felt so disconnected from who i was at that time; i didnt feel that last night. i think God was giving me some what of a gift of myself. tonight i felt like dancing a bit in the solitude. hadnt felt that way in a while. pretty sure all this is connecting.

being romanced-days like this, i just feel LOVED. drawn. God brought the best smile to my face with the song, only heather. heard about it on the spotify commercial, and somehow thought it was a gimmick that spotify had figured out to do with people's names. obviously the ads dont really work on me; i tune them out. but pure happiness was wrapped up in that song for me, and they like the moon too! new fave band. they have officially replaced the killers. which is good.

forward thinking, but present- i have all these thoughts about the future. even tomorrow. but its all wrapped  up in peace! a few weeks ago, or 2 days ago, or 4 months ago, i wouldnt have believed you if you showed me the line i just wrote. theres joy in my tomorrows!!! GUYS! THERES JOY IN MY TOMORROWS!

open-  resting has brought me openness of time, and mind, and heart. opened my possibilities.like for tomorrow- before i go to the childrens shelter, i snagged the idea randomly to get up, jog in the morning because i never get to do it, and then come back and have an artichoke with my breakfast. #becauseican
the hardest thing about hashtags is no spaces.  and i love creating useless hashtags.

new- i am fresh. bright and solid. awesomeness. thank you Jesus.

heartfelt- it just is a feeling fest. theres just heart ness happening everywhere.part of me wonders if music helps do this for me. if any of you know me, you know that if the whole world loves it, i pretty much get disgusted and go the other way. and sad to say, the world loves music, and i have not listened to music as much as maybe i have needed for regeneration. the time of listening i have had is precious, and i am grateful.
and may i mention, i usually dont really like drawing, which sounds way funny. but i found words to the feelings ive always had when drawing. its such a slow quiet thing- it makes me sad! i think most of the art i have enjoyed creating and being a part of has held sadness for me. it gets so slow in my heart, that sadness is the only word that fits. its the word that holds all the other feelings together.

somehow my 200th blog came and went. i was going to celebrate it. oh well.
::ahem::
yay, 207th!! i think thats what it said.

i feel full. im not yet ready to talk out all of the trip, because i dont want to yet. i would let everyone read the section in my journal, if it were easier to somehow pass that around.
i feel full from my desires to really live my life with the people that are in it, that i come in contact with. theres a wanting of richness in reality.
im reading  that we need  to invite the poor to our feasts instead of our friends and im wondering if Christ really wants us to go pick up some homeless people.
its ok if i feel little, and worth little in this world.

we always talk about loving people where theyre at. i just had a blaze of thought.
i want to be able to love people where im at. that way, theyll get the best, most real love from me, not something  that im trying to conjure for them, and what i think they need in their position. whoa. ok im done. bye.

prepared

heartfelt thanks pour from me to my friends, my pray-ers, my hope-ers and encouragers. you all have been a blessing, are a blessing....and will forever be a blessing! haha.
ok.
really, though, i am so grateful. with this guatemala trip, there has been so much love given to me from you all. the prayers have been efficacious; i am not afraid., and there is a bit of excitement[ read:: expectant, happy, slightly-stressed-body-from-not-feeling-like-im-sleeping-well nerves].
so much of my prayers and thoughts have been selfless- woohoo!  but it did get me thinking...why in the world does it take a trip to be "godly" toward strangers, to make me want to really shine for him, and truely love people with his best?
what is it about these things that makes it easier to pray for his will completely, and for him to move through us only, setting our own desires aside?  why dont i want to love the people i know and see daily, that well?

tonight i got to interact with one of my downstairs neighbors, where before it had just been hi's and how are you's.  pray that i would make space to chat w her more, and  my other neighbors, when i come back. that i would find my day in and day out people just as precious as these guatemalans. we are all in poverty. God is the riches. continue to pray for our teams' unity, and thank the Lord with us that we will be better be- ings who love well than do- ers who get frustrated. i am personally asking God to just  stretch time out, so that we can love exponentially in the days we have. already i think hes giving me that; i got home at 7, ate, packed, cleaned some things....it was 9 30 when i looked at the clock, and i was pretty sure it was going to say at least an hour later. what is so cool was that i hadnt rushed myself.

pray for shyness to be removed. i tend to be shy when i dont know the language, and it makes me hesitate in my actions or attempts at speaking, even if its just to a translator.
here are my teammates.
shawn
hannah
john
joshua
rick
reagan
john
annie
katie
trey
joana
rachel
travis
leah
andy
jennie
jaime
nat
cullen

trust

tonight as i became anxious about fasting, i wondered at who ive become. ::im not fasting btw. i asked God to give me sort of a game plan. im too worried about starving this little frame::
i didnt used to be a worrier. i was a truster. i was a believer. i was a hoper.
2 things.
i need to build up to them; it feels weird to just blurt it out.
so, i was at work, and one of the drs is big on visualization. i dont think shes weird; i really believe theres something to that- calling things that arent, as though they are. God does that with us.
it hit my heart like lightening- im not believing that God is going to give me my husband. i go through these periods of time....recently its been really long. and being married seems to slip further and further away. today i changed my mind. i am married,. i just dont know yet to whom. i prayed specifically for him today, with love. hadnt done that in a while.
 second thing is this. my trust of people was blown out of the water before i moved to san antonio. theres a link there to trusting God as well.
God gives a great friend; one who understands me. i dont feel so oddball anymore.
she consistently sets me up and pulls the rug out from under me.
i keep believing that theres more to her. reality to her. i see enough of it to keep going. keep fighting.
i keep getting hurt, and making the decision to hurt myself.
takeaway= God will give you something GREAT and it will destroy you. it wont really be great.

so i walked away from that thinking i have to not just rest and sit back and receive from God, but that i need to be watching and trying to find the people and things that are safe.

Guatemala Update

Hello all!
thank you for taking the time to read this.

my preparation for the dental mission trip has been alot of prayer and handing things over to God in prayer when i start getting anxious. ive never been so anxious before, not that i can remember. i keep hearing random things about guatemala.
pray for my mind to be focused on the people i am going for, and the people i am going with.
please ask with me- for selflessness. i tend to want to make things all about me, and how is this going to impact me?
 pray for unity of the team, and obviously good communication. mostly coming from me. i tend to not communicate well.[ not for lack of trying.]
please ask that we would be able to go in full health. i have allergies, and theres no infection, thank God. but it really would be annoying to have to blow my nose while trying to do these other things.

Gods teaching me rest this year, more than other years, and i am having a difficult time currently trying to balance doing what needs to be done for the trip, and taking calming breaks.  also, i have a tendency to want to have all my EVERYTHING situated here before i go away on any trip. even when it doesnt need to be touched yet.
God mentioned fasting to me, as lined out in isaiah 58, and i have no idea what to do with that information. im scared to fast; i feel like its not safe for me to skip food. but hes telling me something here. so, that if im fasting, i would do it with wisdom and peace. and if it is for another reason, that i would hear that clearly. but i think hes telling me to fast.
thank you so much for your prayers

trying

the last post was meant to help me relax. it didnt. i thought by maybe getting things out of my head, that i would find some rest. rest is only found in God for me. and that even furtively. im trying to understand how this peace that passes understanding works. im trying to hear God. the more i try, the harder it gets. and then im riddled with self- doubt, wondering if ive made the right decision.
some errands needed to get done. i wanted to print some stuff out, support letters and pics of me to send to the kids i support, mostly. voting.ironing.
i made the choice to stay home from the childrens shelter today. i have cried significantly since then, wondering if that was me being selfish.
i went to volvo this morning, got a check up out of the way. volvo always takes so long. i get there at 7 30 and almost always never leave until lunchtime.  i think once i left at 10 30, and was shocked.its never under 200$ either. i have hydraulic fluid slowly leaking, and its just going to have to wait, because it ends up i had to give the church 300$ more for the trip than what i was originally told. i guess the support raising hasnt been going so well.
it was torrential as i was leaving, and cold now. my dress wasnt cutting it. anywho. i go to office depot to see if they can print off the things aforementioned. [ didnt have to print out the coupon for volvo anymore...] well, i either have to put it on a flash drive or email it to them. and great time to find out, my comp battery doesnt hold charge from 7 30 til 12.
go vote.  yay. one thing done fairly easily.
its at the library, so i think, sweet! i'll print here.  card expired 3 yrs ago, and i have a balance of 22 $ WHAT
she prints off the list of books that are all childrens books. ok, i like books, but seriously. i wouldnt have checked them out.
aside from my doppelganger, there is a lady in town with my same name. i knew this. i also knew she seems to frequent alot of places i do. SHE HAS THE SAME MIDDLE NAME, AND IS A YEAR OLDER THAN ME. in that moment in the library, i thoguht, thats it. i need to move to a different city, or marry someone. this is frustrating.
got my new card, finally got on the comp there. i felt so stupid, not knowing the way things worked. fixed my support letter- it is good now- and then come to find out the printing only takes cash. i left. i call my mom. i cried. i couldve left the volvo center, gone to the childrens shelter, and spent the afternoon with them. but no. i had to have a messy early afternoon. frustration with God [and myself] welled up. why cant i hear him well? do i not take enough time to listen? why do i think so differently than the rest of the world? --even my mom  knows you can just buy a flash drive, and put your stuff on it; take it to be printed.  and i had such a wonderful time in the word at volvo. yes, i know evil attacks, yes i know some of this frustration is me not knowing how to plan well. its still frustrating, and then i cant seem to find my way back to my God of Peace easily.

life list

tues-  meet with the leader / contact of the guatemala trip.
          i have fought feelings of disappointment with how he has operated.
         when i come home, i will read up on the SA people/ things to vote for.
wed- bible study, but i am curious about something. i never pick up bulletins at church, didnt know how to            get to morgans wonderland, so i grabbed a leftover one, and when i got home, took it inside to read through the prayer requests. [ and to snicker at the general boringness of our singles' group blurb]  i happened upon the worship team audition. i have secretly wanted to see if i could do  that, even though it scares the shit out of me. i cussed because its that deep.  its so deep, i cant even use uppercase letters to stress the feeling i have. i look at myself and think im crazy.  and the auditions might be at the same time as the study, and i actually have a cold right now. so.

thurs- meeting with rick lowe about the trip; i set both of theses meetings up at the same time. i dunno how   
          productive the meeting with shawn will be; hopfully it'll be great and i can give rick back some of his time. VOTING after that! go team!-- i dunno what thats supposed to mean. im writing in the chesshire cat. thats how i feel right now about life.

fri- car checkup, and childrens shelter. leadership meeting after that, and hopefully we will bring some solid
      changes to how we do things in this group, such as solidify how  we operate. ::ow. i just sneezed really hard. i think i busted some capillaries in my soft palate::

sat- help jenna pack, go to artist show that gloria's in at tripoint (9-5 if anyones interested. expo of local
       artists, tripoint / ymca). ruths birthday
sun- first morning to help out in the kinder room at church.

then i need to get together a costume for work. disney themed. i am considering being jiminey cricket, but really  at the end of the day, id just look like a dude. a weird dude. i hate trying to make costumes for work.

im so stressed out. ive been making my self thank God for all the true blessings i have, to remind myself.
i have no joy in my heart for this guatemala trip, and that makes me ssooooo sad and so worried.

warning to singles:single rant/ musings. if youre in a deep blah single moment, this may make you feel better, or worse.

i feel my life has been more full lately of married people, and married people with babies. i think this is the natural progression of things:)
seriously though, its sinking in more that most of my friends are married, or are going to be soon- even if they dont know it yet, in all likelihood within the next couple of years i imagine most of the single people i know now will be in a serious relationship.
being around "marrieds," i am learning to pay attention. i listen to how they talk to and about each other. i listen to [ mostly the women] their personal view of themselves, and i take note of how that colors how they interact with their husbands. not that im really taking notes and trying to create any formulas.  its more about realizing how much we need people, and how much we are broken. id like to think that id be the best communicator, or not have an issue with this or that- these things that i cant help judge my married friends on as i observe. but God has been merciful and recently has opened my mind and heart to the facts of who i am, and if this marriage thing does happen to me, that it will be difficult.
a week or so ago a coworker seared me with some words. but they are a helpful, healing type of searing. i am too much in control of my life, and need to relax my rules and standards. at first i balked at this, and on some levels i still do. sitting with the thoughts that have been brought about by that comment, and spending some time with some very good friends that are a year into their marriage, i am beginning to see what she means.
one of my control panels is fear.
::SHIFT::
i dont want to pull that apart for you; if you wanna chat, cool.
the other side of this coin is-- WHAT THE HECK!?
it says in the bible it is good to stay single, according to pauls' estimation. and there are many people that are precious in the world that are single, never married.  their lives matter just as much. i think that if everyone else got off my back about marriage, and would stop talking about setting me up, and  gave grace when i do need to cry about it, the world would be a better place.  not just me, either. im totally talking about the church. what would the church and its interactions look like, if we honestly weren't so crazy stupid about getting married; if we realized truely that it takes all of us, and we are all of use and have equal worth, regardless of our station. that being said, i believe we are missing out on some deep love and amazingness from our lovely grandparent and great-- grandparent types in the church.
 ::SHIFT::
my trip was great; i loved the feeling of driving all that way by myself- id never gone that far all by myself before. made it back in one day. i was making great time, and then  dallas construction had not the best signage and i got off track. still got home before 10. and i started driving at 7. had been awake since 5 30. my butt hurt insanely in the last hour, but i wondered if it was true straight - up pain, or if there was psychological tired-ness from knowing i was so close. zach and linds have a great church. and i will never live in tennessee, God have mercy. [they live in mississippi,  but on the border. pretty much everything they do is in tn.]

im blogging alot. my mind is going.

i need to go to bed soon, but i just want to talk a little bit, and i have no idea who to call. i dont like calling people at this time of night, because its not late enough for them to really say, hey, i just want to wind down and go to bed. well, some people would. but yea.
im thinking about my  sabbath year that i am not 2 months into. leviticus talks about the land just growing what it will in that time. and the people resting, letting it grow, and using it.
there is growth that i have not planted. {can i just say, i LOVE that my sabbath year will also be the year i turn 30!?? ok]
there is growth that i have not planned.there, waiting in the soil of my life, are nutrients and possibilities that have just been dormant. i have planned and planted and watered and all that jazz, and it has been good. God has handed seeds over at times as well-- almost all the time. there are some things that were planted and cultivated that never should have been, had choked good out and killed alot. thankfully God uses these and there was fertilization from this death.
and now , all that has been waiting in THESE years is going to start spouting. what will be fruitful, what will be flowering, what will be shading and holding earth intact against the elements. ya know. all this metaphor.
i have a thought---i feel risky thinking it, and saying it. if you work [ed] with me at my job, you will [would] laugh at what im about to say:
its all good.
holding strongly [albeit small-ly] in my gut is the trust and belief that EVERYTHING that comes out of this year is GOOD
its blowing my mind.
and, i hold that gravely, knowing that, even right now, some people close to me are dealing with pain and fear and stress over the future of their business, poss death, money crisis....all the things just mentioned are different families. its crazy. and i wonder how he can give me such peace and i dont have any difficulty, while dear hearts suffer. i know all the theology and reasoning [ and lovingkindness!] behind the answer  to that. i still want to ask.

watched the moon rise through the trees

im wondering about doubting.  not that i *am* doubting, but



hahaah. anyway, i have had alot of opportunities handed to me, made available, etc. as ive started talking more about my passions and hopes for ministry to my friends, there has been alot of suggestions, information, encouragement, and offers.
i forget that ive told a friend what id like to do with my life, and a few weeks later, they mention that someone they know/ met does such and such job, and they can hook me up into that ministry there, or just to chat with the person more...
my mom is even getting in on this action, which is crazy. shes usually more sedate, even - keel, and fearful. she actually is sounding way more excited as the days go, way more encouraging.  thank you God.

a few months ago, i agreed that i was going to obey God more, be obedient, and open to what he wanted for my daily life, and for my future. also started pursuing [just in my heart at first] all of the facts about what my desires and passions even were. like really. like trying to see if they could be fleshed out.

it has led me to volunteer at the childrens shelter, look into various overseas and at home ministries that deal with sex trafficking, look into a social work degree and possibly start a kids club at my apt again, realize i need to learn spanish, say yes to getting trained for strip club ministry, and doing a dental mission in guatemala.
this has happened all in a few months. some of it in just the last couple days.
 holding all the opportunity of these things has been an exercise in itself. so much peace flows in my life right now, its insane. we should bottle this and sell it.
coming back to the first thought here, though- im not doubting, but this very open obedience has  a feel and smell of doubting. saying yes to all of the everything i  can possibly do, looks like i dont know what im doing. i kinda dont. and im REALLY ok with that. i believe the Lord has alerted me to the possibility of doubting, that it could creep up on me.
his ways are not my ways, or his thoughts mine. hes working my life out and holding on to me. i just cant over- yes. thats it, right?

i started worrying a bit tonight about the money, the language, and not having any knowledge about guatemala or the people, no reference points other than the people in matamoros that live in the dump there. i keep recalling all the experiences i have had, piecing together different bits of info to prepare my mind and heart. it wont be sufficient. i have this inkling that i will be feeling totally inept. i dont know anyone that is going. there are 20 people[ i mean, i might know some of them. we'll see]. im going to be in mississippi when they are having their last meeting. i will meet them at the airport.   pray i will be able to sleep this next month; my mind likes to run.

rest is a funny thing. ive been able to do it a great deal lately. God has been giving me time for rest. he gives it back to me, it seems, since i have purposed to have morning time with him! 

ive had less and less words to give people recently. less about myself, less to uphold them with in their pain or join them in their joy. im not sure where my words are going. i havent journaled half as much as i thought i
would for this week, and i havent been here. also, i apparently dont make sense to people ALOT and they ask for clarification. 

but its all good. i am not stressing. im just growing i think. i need space and im trying to allow that. i dont want to rush around finding "answers" while missing whatever God wants to say. today as i walked in the park with him, i was saddened to feel i hear fuzzily. my spiritual ears are not used to his voice as  much as id like them to be.
tomorrow i ask about guatemala. see if they will let me go in nov for the dental trip, or if someone else could go... i hope we can send one of us.i dont care if its me. id actually rather it not be me. the soon-ness feels busy and stressful.  i also need to grab some extra toothpaste for another friends' trip to argentina [? i think] this week. and then i will be preparing to see lindsay!!!! i cant really wrap my head around my actually taking a road trip to see her and zach. funfun.

this morning the "dont worry about tomorrow, for it has enough evil of its own" verse really made sense. with money, and trips, and possibility in my future...i just cant stress. its not worth it. i have today, i have Gods love and provision for today, and i can pour it all out and get more tomorrow.

bible study, worry...

im back already! tonight was the beth moore bible study night.- i always come away wanting so much more out of my relationship with God.

i really  want to wake in the morning, and have time with him. and i am doing that. i am really wanting it! im kinda sleepy, but i just envision curling up next to him, or in his lap, and we talk about the people that are on my heart or his, and i read some, do the bible study for the day.
ive been memorizing verses with this study-- look, im gonna do the 2 ive learned right now.

but if serving the Lord seems evil to you, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the river, or the gods of the amorites, in whose land youre now living . but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. joshua  [??] forgot. cool though, huh?

and --i will rejioce in the Lord; my soul will exult in my God, for he hs clothed me in the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with jewels. isaiah 61:10

i am sitting with a bunch of questions. i know that the Lord and his word at the most important kind of learning, and i wonder if he just had me start looking into school to remind me that i need to focus more on searching out him and his word. 
i also am aware that i am greatly afraid; i dont want to have to deal with money issues and studying. i thought tonight and started crying. i cant go to school!! i dont have time to study, and ---it kills me to think of taking time away from people that i love on now. i barely have time for the girls in my complex anymore, and what about helping at the childrens shelter?
looking at ministry opportunities and moving toward actually doing them are 2 different things.
it hurts my heart; my parents' words havent had any weight at all in this situation. they havent given advice or insight that has helped at all. i want my God to tell me what to do. my parents. a husband. but God never really works things out the way i see fit. he wants me to wait. it just made my heart sink when the man yesterday told me that id have a long road ahead of me. literally.
what if im supposed to do this? this long road? wont it take away from ministry. eh. its hard for me to think in years.
but then again, what have i been doing all this time in sa? ive definitely wasted time, have mercy . i cried over quite a few things tonight. one of them was, i never seem to finish anything. maybe i have finished my time with a certain ministry, or group, or whatnot. but it always feels like it is somehow unfinished. or that i leave with a weirdness. that maybe something wasnt done right, or talked out, or given a good solid ending point. that i grasp at different ministries, and they never seem to fit. im anxious that ill start into yet another ministry and commit to something, just to phase out within a year or so.
im just letting all the worry come out.
please God dont let all this stop me from doing good, hard things. 
so the bible study is wonderful ,and manna is awesome. bread from heaven, just enough for the day, just enough for the person, and by noon, it melted away.  had to get up in the morning and get it. some people gathered a little more in their baskets, and some people couldnt quite fill it. yet when it was actually measured, they all had the correct amount- just what they needed.
we need to get our "measure" of daily Jesus every morning. he will allot the perfect amount of grace and ability and sustenance for the day, no more , no less.

post soon, maybe tomorrow, if i feel like it.


this was a little later. its the 19th or something. im not entirely sure what i was going to talk about the other day. im getting rid of things...a friend's yard sale will hopefully see to that.
had a wonderful tea party the other night with some dear friends and a new friend that is quickly becoming dear.
i get worried sometimes before parties, if the people coming really want to come, if they really like me. its weird. these kind of thoughts stop me from calling up friends to just chat.
im wanting to give that to God and --please change my mind.

tonight was the orientation/ info meeting for the masters program at utsa for social work.
i tried to stay calm while rushing home[but not to rush], shower, eat, put something on that i feel great in[because i always have to look great when im doing something i dont know how to do, or what will be required of me- makes some of the fear go away. hah. maybe thats why we dress up at our weddings], and took off at 4 50 even though the meeting was at 6. i didnt want to be late just because i didnt know where to park, and i wanted to beat the 5 o clock traffic. which i pretty muchly managed to do.
parked at the farmers market building [ free on tues after 5!], and went to m itierra and got some coffee. sat outside and read while waiting for the minutes to tick.
sat in that room 15 min early, trying to push down the worrying thoughts of, " maybe they cancelled..", "what if the person doesnt show up?", and the general "what am i doing here?!"
we had a great little one-on- one.
it felt a little weird and was great. he tailored what he was telling to my situation.

so i cant get into utsa's program, because they dont have a bachelors in social work yet, just a masters. the 3 places i could go for a  bachelors are ut austin, lady of the lake, and texas state.
none are ideal to me; it didnt sound like there are any online bachelor programs.

the good thing about utsa is that their program caters to working students right now. so only night and weekend classes.  the bachelors degrees arent so- at least he made them sound like full time student things.

i left more excited than ive been, and more frustrated.it feels like so much work. and i still dont know if this is what God is actually putting in front of me, or if theres another strain. so im sitting, praying, trying to not think ahead and figure out things that arent even happening.
definitely stretching my ability to rest.

happy anniversary to me and sa!

this might be a rambling post.
last night i threw up, so today im taking it easy.
i seem to always get sick, or something, during government holidays.
today is the start of my 7th year in san antonio.the sabbath year.leviticus 25:1-7

is this something that can be translated to my body? my "land"? is there more to my life that could be termed my "land"? what would it mean at that point to not "sow, " but allow the land to yield what it will, on its own?

i think of sowing as making things happen. being purposeful in all that i do. intentional. this seems counter -culture to all of christianity as i know it.would this entail more of a separation; daily "living" life and daily "spiritual/ evangelistic" life? would it only apply to the actual work at my job, or my extra -curricular activities... and what about the plan to look into school?  so yea.
spirituality permeates every aspect of life, so how do i just apply this spiritually?
is this something that is now redeemed, so to speak, because of Christ? if its one of those OT [ old testament} things that is not absolved, but fulfilled because of his coming to die and live again.... what is the new interpretation?
i think this all came to the forefront of my awareness because of my intentionality to rest today.

[hahhha! dont prune, it says. i havent been plucking my eyebrows- does that count?! heheheheh]

my friends, hello!
1 chapter into Half the Sky by kristof and wuDunn, and im hooked.
gonna buy Unseduced and Unshaken by dr. rosalie de rosset    soonish.....

and, God gave me the green light to start moving forward into checking out schooling. yesh, im being open to some sort of social work type degree. not at all knowing where i'll end up in that, and if a degree will even be the outcome.  any help/ ideas/ thoughts would be appreciated. i have some older couples helping me research and wade through my thoughts. anybody wanna hold my hand when i go to talk to the counselor at UTSA?

God is so kind! he gave me so much rest saturday and sunday. i am waiting. resting. waiting for God to talk some more to me, resting in any thing he wants to give me while i wait for *the* answer.

heres where i am.
havent felt like ive had a sufficient amount of sleep in weeks, which is not true. something in me is tired.
was offered to live with some lovely people, free of rent, to go back to school if i want.
lease is up in april, so while i was frantically trying to figure out if i was going to do this, i somehow listened enough to reason to see when i could move out. and i have to wait. not that im super gung- ho about going to school. i def need God to verify that it is what he has on the map.
work suddenly got harder this last week.meh. i hate work relationships. and i do love my co workers. its a strange family.
tried to go see sam at the airport last night, and started crying pretty violently- not about sam, really. [sorry, sam]--more like, the welcoming home feeling? the thought of going somewhere? i dont know. amidst the crying, i found a little thought that surprised me. a thought linked to something i thought God had "taken care of."  well, great. then i was getting upset w God and needing to talk that out, but not really realizing it yet, and trying to find the gate where my friend was to be inducted into sa heat. i gave up, and that hurt. but i felt crazy. i drove home yelling at God and crying the rest of the night, crying myself to sleep, and surrendering to reading my bible when i wanted to throw it across the room and act like a toddler.

somehow i ripped a new hole in my nose while changing out rings. meh. it hurts like a new piercing. i have nothing in right now, and am not going to put anything in until it stops aching. i might not have a hole at that point. i dont know how i feel about that.
i bought a pepper grinder to get fine coffee grounds, thinking it would be more cost - effective than a coffee mill. well, it is cheaper, but the amount of time it takes is ridiculous. and i compared my blade- ground,, um, grinds to the pepper mill ones, and the blades do a pretty decent job. so fooey on you, coffee snobs that say the grounds need to be fine and uniform, hence blade grinders are inferior! 
i now have a cute pepper mill that is useless to me. i dont like to freshly grind pepper. i think its pretentious. sorry.but the pre- ground kind tastes the same to me.

God keeps drilling in my heart that i dont have to have it together. "while we were yet sinners" is the anthem that pounds in my mind on an almost daily basis.
i feel crazy when i accept, even look, for sin. i know the truth. i have known freedom and healing. i know the worthlessness of how i try to fill my hearts longing.i know what the lies are....
and he is slowly showing me there is depth to my lies. they are down in there. he has reminded me of pain i have had, not just to link it up to what is happening now, but to remind me that he sees me, he saw and sees what is done to me by others and myself, and he loves me. he caresses my face in my deepest sleep. he longs for my heart to rest in him.
my wounds have felt more and more sinister. and God keeps pouring out peace and healing when he tells me i dont have to do penance for any of it. "My faith begins with His pursuit, and He is responsible for completing it." - jan meyers

coming face to face with my disassociation, and naming that, gives freedom. i dont need coping mechanisms anymore. His power is sufficient. may i never forget this.
last night i was overwhelmed with the amount of shit my husband is going to have to deal with. some of the stuff that im going to be bringing to the table is alarming to me- im not aware of all of it. it saddens me. it also encourages me. there is a man that is fit for this. i am encouraged by multiple friends' marriages, and knowing that there have been good battles, and everyone/everything that needs to still be standing, is.

i bought what to expect when youre expecting- the first year, and another first year book by the academy of pediatrics for about 10$ [including s&h] from amazon. the stupid s&h was the bulk of it. both books were under a dollar. i dont care if theyre falling apart. i need to know the norm for babies as im dealing with them at the shelter. they have their own sched and stuff, which is necessary and based loosely on the childs needs. but i need to know the developmental needs. the workers dont have enough time to interact well with each kiddo, and since i'll probably be doing alot of baby stuff [greatest need], id like to know who i need to be showing shapes to, who needs to hear songs, who needs their name repeated. ya know. stuff like that. they dont have very great interactive playtime, and i know enough to know thats crucial. so i want every minute to count.
i am becoming more different, and i am glad. i am also worried that when tim, jon and sam come back, and with things most  likely settling down into more of a routine when school starts, that i will slip back into who i have been. not that i am totally, drastically new. but there are parts of my heart that dont want to even see a shade of oldness. dunno how much fight is going to be needed. there is definitely going to be some goodbyes, and that feels the hardest to do for my heart. my heart has been dependent on certain ways of relating and such...'she' cant live like that anymore. its deadening. so. heres to learning how to breathe underwater!
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=910MMJNU

i havent journaled personally yet; wanted to talk it out. somehow  i feel like im talking to friends this way, like its being heard in real time somehow.
im gonna have to be vague about the kids at the shelter for safety reasons. might make my writing even harder to follow. hope not. so i did a stint from 9 45 til 3 on friday. the lady asked me where id like to help, and i really dont mind, just wherever they need it most. so, she put me with the babies/ toddlers. well, most of them weren't toddling yet- theyre learning tho. some are standing and taking a few steps. all were pulling themselves up. i wasnt really sure on the age range. guess theyre still completely considered babies until they walk? and can eat solid food? a couple of them could. i think those that could eat actual food couldve been walking by now, they just werent and arent given enough stimulation. one of the honies just walked right up to me and flopped on my neck, laying ___ head  on my shoulder and just resting there. ___stayed with me, content to be held going to snack. this childs name is ridiculous. like, beyond stupid. i wish i could tell people.  the parents dont deserve to get this child back, solely on that piece of information, if you ask me. theres no worth to this name at all.
ok, done with my rant.
theres alot of strapping in strollers and strapping in high chairs. all  of that business takes up alot of time. the cafeteria is a totally separate building, which works well for the older children, esp since they do school there. its a pain in the butt for the little ones and their caregivers. reflecting on it now, it seems so unrestful. the babies barely get to play- all their time is taken up getting strapped in and out, and waiting for the other babies....they dont get enough time to get bored of playing.
i was wanting to sing, and make noise- there were older ladies there, and a younger guy, maybe around my age, that has volunteered alot and was bouncing back and forth betweenn areas of need. the "abuelas" are mostly silent, not talking to the children at all, really, and the guy was talking to them like they were elementary age, and about to get in trouble. [like, "dont throw that, youre gonna hit ______." and dont kick him"- when the baby isnt even aware that his foot is about to hit another's head.] not that he was inept or bad with the kiddos. it was just weird to me at times, didnt seem age appropriate/ conducive to their growth.
  they all seemed slow to understand most words. even their names.  i wonder if thats because they are hearing a constant stream of different voices saying their name.

nap time was the most fun. i think i loved it because the babies really get to be touched for an extended amount of time. they are really good about staying with each child until they close their eyes/ go to sleep.  some of the little ones went out quickly, some were more fussy.
i held a really new baby- maybe a month old. maybe 6 weeks. perfect little face. brought tears to my eyes.  how sad to be alone when youre that little and helpless. i hope for most of the children that their families can get straightened up and go back quickly. some of them i hope they get in their "forever home"  instead of their family of origin, because lets face it. if the kid is in any way special needs, theyre better off in another family, if theyve been taken away already.
one of the honeys was going home that day. a worker came in with a paper and nonchalantly announced "______'s going  today." there was this interesting undercurrent of excitement. felt like hope and fear together. it was naptime, and there was some scurrying to figure out if it was right that moment, or if the nap  could be taken first. i prayed over the family and the child. then i started praying over all of them. i whispered about Jesus to the swaddled wiggler i was trying to make sleepy. talking didnt really help that one, though!

i want more time there. i want to work there. i want to be a mom. i want to care for and pour into a select few. this pouring out a little to  a lot  doesnt seem that worthwhile.
ok, i just remembered this, and i have to brag on myself. some background first. one of the abuelitas was caring for a little one with a rash, and there were socks on the hands and fussiness happening. the abuelita told me not to touch the child, that it was sick. i thought, ok, the kid has something kinda contagious. well, it was just probably a heat rash from a high fever, because the skin was kinda hard and rough. the woman that was actually in charge didnt have a problem with me touching the child.  i got the little one to smile and laugh, and later saw a sign, explaining that ______ needed sitting time, etc. [for strengthening. basically the kid needs extra physical interaction]. it made me so sad that there couldnt be more one on one for the child. when we went to snack, and this one was done, back in the stroller we go and wait. waiting is boring and crying commenced. but, movement was what was wanted. the other babies needed to be taken out of the highchairs. once i left this particular little one, though, the crying started. and no one else could help, or maybe didnt care. so [ this is the 'yay, heather!' part], i wheeled over to a high chair, rocked the stroller back and forth with one foot while i removed a tray, unbuckled a baby from its chair, and lifted it out to put it in another stroller. did that a couple times.
im hoping to plan better and clear my schedule more so i can go on the weekends, when its more needed.
ok, im sleepy. i only got 2 hours of sleep last night- thanks, insomnia.

pray for me! that i would find the niche in my schedule, that i would choose the necessary and wanted, and leave the rest behind for others to do. ask that i could see with clarity where i should be focusing my self and my time. there are so many good things that i can do, and i do them. and then im tired and am only giving half of myself.

did the childrens shelter orientation just now- whoa. theres a good need  there. theres a need for a childrens librarian, an art teacher (preferably retired ) to come in and situate their art room. theres a high turnover rate for those that actually work there. and thats just scratching the surface.
i cant wear flip flops, or shorts above the knee. --i think this warrants a shopping trip. cant wear dangly earrings, so probably dont want to wear a nose ring, and probably keep my hair up too.
the volunteers for the shelters are basically for entertainment.  one of their biggies is to keep the kids from dwelling too much on the past or their situation, since theyre only there for a limited amount of time.
theres a place down the street from me that deals with the more severely traumatized kids, where you mentor and have to commit at least 1x a week for 6 mo. they need men.
one of the programs is run by just one woman, and its for the developmental needs of babies and toddlers. shes over all 4 of the shelters. she needs help.
they always need admin work help.
 i think that setting aside my friday is a reasonable amount of time. yes, i will be tired. i will get used to it.  knowing just a little bit of what it will entail- that i will need to be constantly aware of how much attention im giving to each child, that i cannot sit with one and ask them questions or sit and listen to them for a long time, that i need to give equal physical touch....i can imagine how mentally exhausted i would be, and how much i will need God to step in to help me do right by all. when im at work i try to give all the kids equal attention, and at the most there are maybe 3 at a time vying for my ears and eyes. and thats only in short spurts.  im kinda glad my parents are coming this weekend, and i cant tell them ill start just yet.
the average kiddo stays there 35 days. the max time they can live there is 90.

i actually want these words in the song to be true of me.

i was super ugly to a man in a shop today. he was tryin to be helpful. my sarcasm is what comes out when i am actually trying to cover up my shame, then anger- thinking i can stick a smile on it, release my pain and hope theyll be dense enough to not really hear the hate in my voice, while i still get an easy out and a justification for my sinful feelings.there is no fight left- jj heller

i hope someone will someday describe me as a honey-coated hardass filled with chocolate and peanut butter.

and i have no idea how my heart and brain communicate. i bet those would be some CRAZY convos to listen in on.

its that time again ! ive been "away" for a few days. dunno why; i get blogging tourette's and then its famine for a bit. cycles. seasons. 
so. went to an info class at the tex dept of child and family protective services. worried that i wouldnt fit in, or that people would look askance at me because i was there by myself, i had to fight a tiny feeling to cry as i got out of my car[ was that a grammatically correct sentence?].
ended up being super awesome. i knew alot of the information already, like what to expect and there would be more classes and you have to be committed...blahblah. i was peaceful. i was settled. it feels right, guys!! i just have to be in preparation. thats going to play out as volunteer work  at the childrens' shelter. im going thursday i think to fill out the paperwork and talk. i have to get a tb test. i hope to do that quickly and cheaply:)
read their requirements, and was like, i am SO qualified for this!
my lease would be up here in oct, and the thought plays into my mind again...would it be time to move? but i dont think thats healthy and it probably wouldnt be good financially, unless i found somewhere to stay for free. or for 200$ max;) and since i want to do some travelling, i will for sure be here another year, i would think. thats like, logical.enough of that.
felt the weight of people not around again today. i usually have dinner w friends on tues nights, and its always a surprise, who can come. today no one could come, and i was a little thankful for the extra time for me on one hand. on the other, i was terribly sorrowful. called a friend up and she is going on a family trip tomorrow, coming back for a blink, and then going off to grad school in oregon. we only talked for a second, and with words like, hows it going,  how busy have you been, when are you going, how are you, ok see you later.

called a neighbor, talked about our other neighbors and how good God is, called my mom and dad . one of the little girls came over and i bandaged up her toe again. a few nights ago she dropped a mirror on it, and hit right on the cuticle. her older sister had no pity, and she mentioned to me she thinks her mom is just going to be mad and not be concerned about her toe. she said i was the only one that cared. that broke my heart for her mom, and how much SHE is missing with her precious beautiful daughters.
one of the little girls mentioned  they might move to a house when their other sister has her baby. thinking about them moving makes me sad, and i know it will be in Gods hands. i acted on a thought- so glad i did- to buy them cards and write in them, as goodbye notes, and have a book of virtues to give them, as well as a dictionary/ thesaurus. [they are spanish -speaking, and the oldest always comments on how little english she knows.]
ive loved the rain
i feel alive
i like having purpose and goals that are visible
i feel lonely
i have peace

and this is what i look like when im all by myself, alone, with my cats. [i cant believe them. they get all passed out now, and then wake me up at 5. its cruel.  wish i could just pass out like that.]

it would take too long to explain all the ins and outs that  God has been taking me through- but its wonderful, lets just say that. i have recieved more of a heart knowledge about how to include him in my day and talk through things. the path isnt perceptible by myself even. all i know is, i was sitting in tension - "how in the world do i grow in these things he asks us to grow in, without making it out to be some sort of work?" which is a really good question. some , if not almost all of the things that we go through and will go through are going to be work. but we shouldnt make the process of knowing God work. yes, it takes work to set up time to have with him, and to purpose to interact, but the acctual growth process cant be worked at- its just supposed to happen like any other relationship. 
 it seems all so fundamental, but its new to me. real.
sometime this week- lets say tues= im going to look online at potential classes to take  for social work, or foster parenting, or childhood development... im scared.
i need to just put all the questions in Gods hands. the biggest one is, what if i make a wrong decision-what if i dont listen, dont take the time in the decision- making moments to just sit and wait? i tend to go headlong once a decision is needed, and just not rest and not really pray. the prayers get frenetic and i dont quiet myself. so this is going to require that i act differently. o.O

cool scarf!!!!

 so, i didnt want to be all facebooky about this- but i wanted to show off this uber dainty awesome scarf i got.

 i dont think i have the guts [or naivete'] to actually wear it out like this, and be mistaken for taking on some sort of muslim belief, or for the sake of fashion.

dunno how im going to wear it normally; its so pretty - seems like a disservice to just wear it like a normal scarf.  the name of the pattern is blooming romance:)

have been away from the ability to blog, since housesitting for the johnsons. and taking care of pj and cami.
but, it will come soon. Gods talking, and im trying my darndest to be brave and listen. theres one thing to just listen, another to agree.

im better, and the same. went to eat and watch a movie w carlos today, since last tues was his birthday,  and he isnt [or thinks he isnt] much into celebrating himself. he's jobless and a young man, living w his mom and 2 sisters. so i  knew he would understand the depressed unknowing that i have right now. it was nice to tell non girl ears. and he listened, and understood, and he shared a little of how that has been the same for him. 
he suggested going to ross, just to see if there was a shower curtain there:) his hopefulness was catching. no, i didnt find one, but it felt good for someone to enter that "silly" place with me and encourage hopefulness.

i trust God. i have no freaking idea what hes about, other than to still my heart. that seems to be the prevalence right now. i turned down going to the pool with the girls today- we are going tomorrow. they need to know that the disappointment of my no doesnt mean i dont want to be around them. i think its harder for me to say  no to people [esp! children], than for them to hear it.
today i returned something to academy...and God  prompted me to pick up my devotional book that was in the car, and read the "wrong" day. it asked me why i was still mourning? (ps. 42:9)and i took it a little as anb affront at first, then started crying as spurgeon reminded me that there is the morning, and it will come. God will not keep me here forever. it was breath, deep and rich in oxygen after being 10 feet under, looking for something in sunscreen- laden water. ...can you tell ive been at the pool alot recently?
we are going to be looking at chapter 5 in bible study sunday, and there is a section on humility, and to put it on. then it talks about resisting the devil, being sober minded and such. i cant go into it all right now, but there was several levels where God was speaking to me. he showed me the humiliation that comes from obedience to him. we cant really make our lives make sense to others when we are in obedience. because our obedience to God will most likely not look like success in the worldly sense. not all the time, anyway. and not being understood by others. it creates humiliation for me. but i cant stay there. because i must be sober minded and alert to resist the attacks. and so i take my humiliation  to God, exchange it for humbleness, and clothe myself with that so i wont be nakedly misunderstood.
 "Faint not nor fear, His arms are near,
He changeth not, and thou art dear;
Only believe and thou shalt see,
That Christ is all in all to thee."     -spurgeon

shower curtain

"maybe God meant it for a transition thing- like, a tangible,visible reminder that im just shifting. "
nope. i hate it. i dont want to put it up; im just going to  take it down. and everyone knows doing all those little grommets on a shower curtain arent fun.id be doing a liner and i showey curtain.

yep. i bought a see- thru cobra[snakeskin] print shower curtain. the outline was a khaki lime green. and then i picked up a baby blue cloth liner.
[please dont judge me. im fragile. and ive judged myself already]
i sat on my couch, ambivalent, crying, and just staring at the pile of hated shower curtain in my bathroom. ive never bought anything ive hated before. it was a weird feeling. i wondered why getting a new shower curtain suddenly became so important. i think i felt dispair that id never find the right kind of nautical wonderfulness i was looking for. i am  very picky about shower curtains. i dislike most. and of the percentage that i do like, most i wouldnt have in my own home because they dont fit me. so. i just settled.  ive settled before for other things...this just couldnt be, though. i think what made me mad, too, was that id already thrown some of the packaging away at the store and i felt it worthless to return shower curtains that came out to a whopping 14$. i guess thats alot.
that was monday...my hearts been tender, and not just there. im looking at a couple things right now.
where am i feeling strife and confusion?  thats where im not allowing God.
that feels huge because i feel like a ball of strife. inward stress and tension.
i am frustrated with the verse ---seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. --because i finally understand really that it means just to go after him, and dont worry about the rest. and ive tried that and i couldnt see the "all these things" being added. i think im sad that it seems time and soaking up of God and his word doesnt feel more exciting.
im afraid of becoming one of those people that is always sad and awkward and people dont like having them around,really, but they feel an obligation to invite them and include them. im afraid no one will tell me what they truely think of me and everyone is lying to me.
i look at me and look at people around me and wonder if i will be happy again, wonder what anyone would ever see in me. wonder why any man would pick me when there are prettier, more capable and more enticing women about.  i  was reading listening to love today at lunch and God took me down a path that showed me i really am ultimately waiting to receive my measurement of worth by who chooses me . who marries me. it will show me that i am enough pretty/ desireable, i am enough capable leader, i am enoughh excitement and enough of a helper in his ministry.
i feel disgusting and weak here.  i see all these lies. i know theyre lies. the truth just being spoken and not being felt and understood by my heart is getting old. when is God going to let it sink in, so i dont have to  be so self centered and needing my ego stroked?
so. thats the main thrust of everything. hope i'll grow, and be able to report joy soon.
oh! and all this stuff- i cant change! im not strong enough, i dont understand it, and i dont have good tools. and so im at the mercy of God. that may sound really great and christian, but im not liking it. so far, its just meant alot of crying for who the hell knows why, and alot of questions, and sitting with my hands unable to do[metaphorically]. waiting. 

i am bipolar spiritually. case in point.
last blog was happiness, in the latter sentences, about God being so good, and how i was excited that i had nothing to do after work, and it  was gonna be great[ implied greatness].
i had thoughts of reading, and catching up on some pondering, and maybe tying up some  loose ends around the house...just generally being quietly productive.
i watched a movie and over ate and felt so blah and started hating my life and deciding that i hate God sometimes.  i didnt want to numb  out and i did.
i want my life to look different and i fuss at God to change me and of course he doesnt because for some reason i need to grow. last night in the bathtub- where i hated myself because im such a lazy american slob using up hot water needlessly, and i didnt do anything of worth that day--ok, in the bathtub i thought, if i didnt know suicide was wrong, and IF I COULD BE ASSURED THAT IT WOULD WORK AND WOULDNT HURT, i would do it.  and then i was so fitfully sad and full of hatred that i 1) was a pansy, and 2) would really think of killing myself *now* after i know better, really, and in my deepest heart do love the Lord...even though last night and this morning it was like pure revulsion to admit that i did need God and liked him. im better now.. i heard again that im working to hard and trying to control things/ micromanage/ make things make sense. reading listening to love this morning was easier than picking up my bible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 http://histablefortwo.blogspot.com/2012/06/when-wave-of-hand-is-not-gods-way.html

that was just HANDED to me by a God that loves me and i dont understand him. God is so stinkin perfect. this is why i want a husband. so there will be another imperfect person close to me.

i would like to give something of my self that is tender tonight. i dont know what those words are[well, something just popped in my head!]
im sorry. i am rough and caustic and critical and i hurt you incessantly. ive beaten you with my words and facial expressions and tone. i cant stop.  and somehow i never seem to be  able to stop myself and tell you im sorry in the moment.
im upset that i make you uncomfortable when i blurt out whatevers  on my mind.
this will probably never be read by those that need to hear it the most. thank God he heals up the stuff we cant go back and fix.

on a lighter note~i have nothing to do tomorrow after work! i dont even have any errands! unreal. today i had more time after work than i usually do, and didnt have many things at all to get done, and i cried of the goodness of it.
im strikingly aware of being very tender right now, and the past couple days have been nothing but me metering out the tender, or covering it entirely.
but tonight it is cool, and work has been manageable, and it might rain:) im hopeful for more tomorrow.

i dont really have time to do this. i should be going to bed. but if i dont make time to process my heart, none of this will be seen by me and it will just slip away. i am sorrowfully frustrated and quizzical about this transition.  theres not a clear ending point.  not a certain move, not a shift in job, not a specific jump of any kind. its hard to define the physical, and therefore i have a hard time defining what is going on for me.
tim and jon are gone and somehow it just makes things different. knowing that a large chunk of my heart time with friends is going to be empty ( is emptying) is like trying to , i dunno. stay focused on a gnat 2 inches in front of me while  keeping an eye on the pitch that i think is coming tm my glove any minute.
sam is in and out this summer.  drews leaving.
kara, david, and some others are going to the czech, and i want to go. and that is not in my timeframe right now. every day as i see the kids here randomly,  or less, or more....
all the little holes in my heart are becoming one big hole. i wonder about all these things, if i am giving them enough time. am i loving my friends well? i dont feel like it. am i available enough to these kiddos? probably not.

and the girl (thats me, if you were wondering) that seemed to always know what to say, doesnt anymore. had some really specific moments at work where i had opportunity to say something timely, and literally nothing came. all i could think of were trite and cliche things . things not appropriate for real life .
there are moments when i want to inquire about someones heart more, ask if i can have more of their experience shared with me...and i cant find  the way to ask.
ive asked 2 different missionaries/ organizations about becoming a part of ending people selling. they have been superficial not now's and not us's. but they are a way in. resource. and i am super afraid.

there is so much more going on, and i hate that i dont have time to sit and talk it all out.  when do i stop listening ot the internal drive that says - go! you arent married and dont have any kids! all your problems and difficulties are nothing and you shouldnt be tired, and you have all this time to do great things for God now that nothing hold you down.its selfish to ask for a mentor, and selfish to just sit and read all day, or something. everyone else is doing  things. you should too. -

granted some of that is true. and i think i need it to shut up for a couple days.

today i was listening to u2. its in my car, one of the revolving cds. i really do love listening to a full cd at times. when its great. im hearing more of God in some of the older cds ive popped in recently. rich mullins is in there, and its awesome. u2 has surprised me. or maybe Gods surprised me.  this might be weird to some--whatever. i hear myself dialoguing with God in this song.

[G-]Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?
      Will it make it easier on you, now you got someone to blame?
[h-]You say one love, one life, when it's one need in the night.
[G-]One love, we get to share it
      Leaves you baby if you don't care for it.

[h-]Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
[G-]You act like you never had love
[h-]and you want me to go without.
      Well, it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
[G-]We're one,
[h-]but we're not the same.
[G-]We get to carry each other, carry each other... one

[G-]Have you come here for forgiveness,
       Have you come to raise the dead
      Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head
[h-]Did I ask too much, more than a lot
[G-]You gave me nothing,
[h-]now it's all I got.
[G-]We're one, but we're not the same.
[h-]Well, we hurt each other, then we do it again.

[h-]You say love is a temple, love a higher law
      Love is a temple, love the higher law.
     You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl
     And I can't be holding on to what you got, when all you got is hurt.

[G-]One love, one blood, one life, you got to do what you should.
[G&h-]One life with each other: sisters, brothers.
      One life, but we're not the same.
      We get to carry each other, carry each other.
      One, one.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kprazhF-VSY&feature=related

my cats have been waking me up around 4 30 ish for the past 2 mornings. im pretty awake at that time; my eyes are awake. and i dont feel thick/ heavy/ achy as much.
but i know rest is important and so i lay there and pray.
thats nice. i like it. i am hopeful to being awoken like that some more...not ready for the awakening to come from my phone yet.
i  have my time on my phone split. my time, and helsinki time. its in the same corridor as the czech. and the middle east is just one hour off. i like feeling close to those that are in different places this summer. i like knowing what time it is for them, and being able to somehow pray more appropriately that way.

looking at how to smush a forum of four and red tent together. are there questions to be asked that will coincide with a study... to have 2 different levels going on, for those that are believers, they can get a little deeper... we'll see.

this woman isnt meant to have an actual job.
thats not what i love!  there are women at work that love working and cant wait to get back to work after a time off, and some do it just to have some work to do. they dont really need the money.
i dont understand this.
i would love to be able to write, and do bible studies w people, and meet up w them, and mentor, and all that.
i  like to think i would love to have children be a part of my days. i say think, because the previous line i have actually done, and know i can thrive there- the second one...havent really  tried yet.
i get excited about planning bible studies and group events. sometimes it stresses me out, yes, i'll admit to that flaw. but i do love it.

my heart wants more than the successful life that the world says iis necessary. AND. i am aware that this might be just what God wants for me. as i hope for something more, i also know that the more might just look more real than what is available while im alive here.

this weekend i had 5 days. i was really aware that God gave me this time and i should use it wisely. i had some things i was planning on getting done. and also asked the Lord to guide my days. he "took away " my time. he filled my "me" time w people. i didnt think i was going to get all my projects done.
the Lord give and the Lord takes away. blessed be the Name. thankfully, his giving back to me was very notice-able. it was in time. i have ended up having enough time. i am on my last project that i was hoping to get done. it may not be completed today, but it will be a significantly smaller pile!

i am aware of the change in my life right now. theres always this outward desire i have for change to be visible when it is mostly in my heart and spirit. so, as im shifting in my inner self, ive been cleaning out and getting rid of outer things.  as i look forward to living more simply and condensed in the physical, i am hopeful for a more extravagant and expanded in the spiritual!

my life is quiet. theres peace. only God can do this. its like standing on the edge of a cliff and the sea spray is kissing me all over gently as the soft winds whip about me- its almost enough to throw me, but not. i know im stable. my body can relax. i  dont have to stay tense to make sure i wont fall.

and theres the thought that, even if i did fall- so what. God knows.
God knows.
understands.
cares.
holds my (your) hand.
is constantly moving. [ on our behalf, for his glory] < yes , please! amazing!

thurs and fri (and today) were perfect. nothing super amazing happened- or did it?
i was able to get home on thurs in time to have water for the kids as they came home from school, and pass out donuts. got to talk to them and it helped the manager from getting distracted w the kids coming inside the office for the donuts.  friday i got to do the same thing- sans donuts. the last fri they didnt have any available either. im thinking i might have to find some easy little snack/ treat for them on fridays....
ive been contemplative as people have grieved with me and given the same suggestions for revamping kids club and making it doable.
change is not a bad thing- it is a hard, uncomfortable thing. and i am becoming ok with the kids club [ story, snack, game , etc] not happening.  friday i didnt have anything to do after i gave out water, and i was able to spend alot of time listening to a young man that people are already giving up on. that is being treated more like an adult by his older sister and dad than necessary. that thinks he has to be amazingly interesting all the time for people to be interested in him. we played chess and i beat him :) i didnt think i would- last time he and i played, he beat me, and all the other times ive played chess in the last few years, ive lost .  it was awesome:) anyway. ive been able to intrust  my stuff- frisbees, chess board and pieces, etc - to the kiddos at different times when i have to leave, and theyre always careful to leave it on my porch, or hang onto it until i come back home.
i have decided to not go to an aquaintances' goodbye party, in waiting to hopefully have a conversation with a former co- worker. shes having a rough time right now.
after i finish this, im playing another game of chess w joey.
i like being available, and my heart is hoping for more.
and maybe something even away from america.
could i go on a scouting mission trip for my birthday next year? --thanks tim for speaking something ive thought already, and making it easier to say.
gonna spend some time listening to my "son" now;)

im going to write what is hard to admit. what feels weird and out of place and not worthy to be felt.

i am in a grief over kids club that is depressing. ive cleaned out some things and got rid of some things. it felt kinda normal to cry over that, because im a little emotional at times. and sentimental.

the random moments when i have to talk to the kids, and it dawns on them that its probably never going to happen again- it kills me to see their faces then. i have let them down. i told some boys today that sometimes God does some things i dont understand but i still trust him that he loves me.
i hope they really heard that.
my body is really tired. and i feel like im carrying alot of weights, but i cant name them. and when i finally do name them, theres no relief.its just as heavy. understanding doesnt bring peace here.

im going to be really vulnerable and write out for you something that i wrote out for myself...i was hoping it would shed light on my heart and give me direction. it hasnt. but im leaving it up for me to continue to look at.

"God has given me possession of talents and "land"-how do i take hold of what i already have?
what do i have?

hospitality                        children here  -hang out, talk after school                        sex trafficking ministry
acts of service                  children @woodlawn every other tues                           giving monetarily to that?
encouragement                friend fellowship dinner (continue tues nite?)                    or going?
discernment                     singles group
ministry starting?               --dinners?                                                                     social work schooling for
prayer                              --monthly hangout?                                                       foster care?
                                       --mentor/accountability

this is what my head and heart are sitting w right now. along with this, im seeing more opportunity at work for bringing some people closer to God, and He is giving those opportunities. but it involves becoming more involved with their lives. that takes time and effort and intentionality.  its draining. i need God.

i felt this coming a couple days ago, when joyce mentioned that she was having meetings w rick and rueben, but not saying why.
due to liability [safety of the children], we cant have kids club. we've looked to see if there are any options- as of right now there are none.
its weird to hear it talked about in years. 3 years. doesnt seem that long. i came home and looked at the white board on my wall and the little trays on my floor- heck, the amount of open space in my living room- and just wondered. do i hold onto this stuff? do i give it to joyce?

the boys in the apt complex have been pretty--um, rambunctious--lately and mrs mcginty has been going outside just to be with them, so they dont get too crazy and start throwing rocks, etc.
i had a thought of going out when i can after school and just staying out there with a cooler of water, and just hangin out. being available. so that is my next step, Lord willing. and im running it by the manager tomorrow.
God never takes away to give less.

"The contradiction comes when I realize that all these experiences and emotions were real. The happiness that gave me chill bumps was as deep as my loneliness. My sense of certainty about being exactly where God wanted me was solid, but just as firm was the fact that sometimes I wondered at times what on earth I was doing here. The frustration that threatened to overtake me on some occasions was just as deep and true as the unbounded joy I felt at other times. I loved my new life; I truly loved it. But compared to the life I had been living, it was hard."
Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie


this is from a book, obviously. and one that im reading[ again, prob pretty obvious.]
it just resonated. i understand her here.
thats all about that topic for now.

im here in corpus w my family. feeling like im getting some vacay rest is good. but every time i come back, i see more clearly some aspects of my family that are so out of whack and i get hit again with chains of bondage lashing out at me; im not sure if im giving in or not.
i hold my family together well. they function better when im around. its like im a link sometimes between my brother and my parents, between my grandma and my parents, between my parents themselves.  theres darkness here thats sneaky- like, you wonder if its darkness really, after a few hours.
........is it really all that bad?
........thats just how we are...


the good things about being here this weekend are that God gave me specific and purposeful time with both parents, my grandma, and noah. jess--duuno if im gonna see her. didnt feel that meeting up with her was a need in my heart as i was driving down.
i spoke boldly  and mostly kindly. its a progress.
 noahs probably going to stay living in durango, CO, after he finishes the camp there this summer.

 i love my parents and respect them greatly more than i ever have in my life. AND i am sorrowful how they have decided to interact w us kids at times.  i am sorrowful over how i decide to act sometimes.
my dad said something pretty awesome. i think it has truth- that we're all connected, our immediate family. and not just physically, but whatever is happening spiritually- it is transmitted in a way to the others. i want more for my family now, and i want more for my family in the future, and i want more for my family that i hope to build.
so, kinda  a long snapshot of what it feels like to come back. beauty and love and known, and frustration and tension. i know yall can relate.

today was good and hard and great. and restful

i have again stayed up WAY later than planned. each night i think,, i will maybe go to bed before 10...
hah.
i think im addicted to caffine - ok, its telling me that every way ive been trying to type that is wrong. im tired.
yea, so i had a headache today that went away halfway through a very delicious cup.

my day:
wake up, feel less tired than i have in a while, yay....feel great about how i am dressed! get in the car and realize the dress im wearing, really IS too short to be wearing by itself. go back inside and put on tights that make it look way less cute. but i feel better. yay GOD.hes been pushing me for more modesty, which is a hard thing for this girl. hard when youre whole life you believed you werent really worth looking at, so why did it matter? and being skinnier, you can get away  with dressing a certain way sometimes, and i grew up on the beach... but i digress.
go to bible study class ,and get slapped in the face with a few things.
1) i dont have a 5 year plan/ idea about what i want in my life/ walk w God.
2) waaaay too early to be talking about marriage. AHHH tender!! stop!!
3) crazy older man that decided to join our class (thats fine), decides to steamroll us with all his ideas about great marriage, hes probably -at the least- 55, more like 60....been married 11 yrs.....QUIT talking! youre wounding me with some of your comments, and this discussion isnt for your benefit! let us talk this out!

recovered in big church. was handed some more from God about being bold.
hes been teaching me about  trading my "moses"-- fears, doubts, doing things  my way
for my "joshua"-- hearing and obeying quickly, being a yes person for the Lord, trusting and being prompt with walking out what he gives. no second guessing.

came home and had a prayer meeting about kids club. its going to be ok. God is already working in the manager to be open to what we have to say. i wrote a card to her too- she just losst her grandmother this past week, and she lost her brother over christmas. it was encouraging, but i also was REALLY bold and blatant about Jesus and her needing to accept what he did for her need. so cool. i was only marginally scared when writing it. but there has been peace! im changing! im not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for those who believe!  [somewhere in romans?!? thats another thing God spoke to me today. i have to memorize where things are in the bible.]
 after the meeting i was really needing special time w God. i know when i need special time w him, because my longing will be masked by this intense desire to be with other people. and usually theres a romantic longing wedged in there too. so.
did some errands ---> aka bath and body works eucalyptus spearmint smell for my house, cat litter, and shoes with my birthday coupon from dsw.
wanted to go to grassroots coffee- they close early. poo.
drove around aimlessly, with a headache, wondering if it was sinus pressure and if im getting that thing thats going around, with strep that gets out of hand.
ended up at milanos, on the patio w some great coffee. and my bible study, and then my journal. headache gone.
and, little known fact. so little, i was unaware until today:
heather is stressed out about her birthday.
not because she is turning 29, but because she is not planning anything.
she is leaving it up to a few people who have mentioned in passing, not very forcefully, that they would create a surprise for her.
she has refrained from asking how the planning is going.
she has a growing fear that she will be disappointed in her friends.
it makes her sad to think that she could be disappointed in something done out of love and with the best intentions.
she is tired in her body and tired of talking about herself in the 3rd person. goodnight.
ohh!!! one more thing! sue gave me a necklace called rahab's rope....so cool! rahabsrope.com
it solidified something in me. but im not speaking of it yet.