ahhh.... good friend happenings this weekend. and i didnt work at it. thats the best part. i was able to relax in all of it. thanks tim, for thinking up the breakfast. thanks elizabeth, for hanging w me. theres other people i could thank but they dont read this so whatever.
my skin doesnt feel scaley!!! woot! it peeled pretty profusely after my shower today. hopefully that is the beginning of the end./
i dont know what it is about this medicine im taking, but it makes me super tired in an achey way, but then im awake easily for a little over half the night. its evil!!
ive been talking to my boy cousin[i only have one boy cousin, thats why im calling him that] on fb about his belief in shinto. basically asking him questions. he knows about Christ; he accepted Him when he was younger, talking to my dad on the sidwalk outside our house one day. hes since rejected, then been ok w Christ, but now believes alot more loosely, more focusing on general spirits of earth type. i think. like forces. karma type stuff. i keep jsut asking him about it when i think of something. the other day i almost made it more pointed and Christ- filled, buit fb kept kicking me off, and when i got on today, it just didnt seem right ot say what i was going to. i think im supposed to just stay curious of where hes at for now.
annnnd.i miss my husband.
i was talking to a single friend sunday morning. i asked her if the pain of unrequited/ dashed hope relationships gets worse each time. she said yes.
i dont know how im going to survive. the last time was pretty brutal. and ive sworn to not kill my hope. so im left with a heart full of expectancy, waiting again, wondering: in the next go round, will i have to mop up again, or will i become more guarded? and in my guarding, will i quiet some of my hope?
i sit in the ambivalence of loving and appreciating the freedom and opportunity of my singleness, and desperately wanting to be tied to someone here on earth..
31 May 2010
28 May 2010
my arm keeps feeling like its wanting to go numb.
i hate that my face itches and my skin is all dry.
i feel sick/weak/ annoyed.
bruce talked about hardships/ suffering last night, and that the Lord chastens the ones he loves. difficulty happens for our disciplining.
im ok with that when i know why. im not sure what i should be getting out of this.
i'll be super thankful when i can not have ugly feeling lips, and super grateful that my skin is smooth again.
i have done nothing today and am pissed off for no apparent reason. and i have a headache.
and i want to do fun things this weekend, but cant find my energy or drive.
i slept for about 10 hours, and i feel like i need a nap in a bad way right now. but im hungry too. i hate making food/ finding food when i feel bad.
supposed to hang out with a friend tonight, hopefully that will help me out
i hate that my face itches and my skin is all dry.
i feel sick/weak/ annoyed.
bruce talked about hardships/ suffering last night, and that the Lord chastens the ones he loves. difficulty happens for our disciplining.
im ok with that when i know why. im not sure what i should be getting out of this.
i'll be super thankful when i can not have ugly feeling lips, and super grateful that my skin is smooth again.
i have done nothing today and am pissed off for no apparent reason. and i have a headache.
and i want to do fun things this weekend, but cant find my energy or drive.
i slept for about 10 hours, and i feel like i need a nap in a bad way right now. but im hungry too. i hate making food/ finding food when i feel bad.
supposed to hang out with a friend tonight, hopefully that will help me out
22 May 2010
high maintenance
::isnt that how you speel it?::
always looks weird to me, that word.
random little side note first.
i was in the shower and thought, how funny it woould be if we sang everything in opera? i mean, at work a couple of us joke around about singing to each other besides talking, and we do it some. it always brightens our mood. makes it more interesting for the people around us too.
but, like, i totally make up a great emo opera sounding song thing about chocolate being left behind by marshmallow on the graham cracker ship.
it was really pathetic, and hilarious.
then i started just doing nonsense sentences, that was fun.
not sure why i dont do this stuff around people.
anyhoo. high maintanence. this has a negative connotation. but.... me and the two girls i click with the most on all levels were hanging out. and 2 of us ended up speaking to the other about her h.m. nature. she got all offended and i had to speak slowly and calmly to keep her from going off the handle. id never really put her in the h.m. category until then. it felt strange because shes not what you think of first [ or at all] when that stereotype comes up.
shes a beautifully deep christian. high standards, not afraid to speak truth and that forcefully if needed, always loving, giving the benefit of the doubt, having righteous anger, sacrificing for others...and it goes on.
basically , i found in my thoughts an excitement for being able to categorize her like that. its like redeeming the term. taking back the territory that those words have occupied for so long. as christian women, women with standards and values, who know what we are worth- we are a mystery.
[i should point out that we were talking about guy stuff. ]
and it is more than acceptable to be h.m. being a strong leader, my friend gets frustrated with the men around her that are fearful of moving into her realm and who are still complacent as boys, or at least holding on to parts of boyhood that shouldnt be protected from turning into manhood.
we affirmed in her the beauty and mystery and worth tthat warranted men around her to press in and have some difficulty in pursuit. to have to work to know a true woman.
these fresh thoughts kinda hit me between the eyes. made me step back and look at myself, just a little. im not contemplating this much, but its in the back of my mind now.
redeeming the phrase "high maintenance"
always looks weird to me, that word.
random little side note first.
i was in the shower and thought, how funny it woould be if we sang everything in opera? i mean, at work a couple of us joke around about singing to each other besides talking, and we do it some. it always brightens our mood. makes it more interesting for the people around us too.
but, like, i totally make up a great emo opera sounding song thing about chocolate being left behind by marshmallow on the graham cracker ship.
it was really pathetic, and hilarious.
then i started just doing nonsense sentences, that was fun.
not sure why i dont do this stuff around people.
anyhoo. high maintanence. this has a negative connotation. but.... me and the two girls i click with the most on all levels were hanging out. and 2 of us ended up speaking to the other about her h.m. nature. she got all offended and i had to speak slowly and calmly to keep her from going off the handle. id never really put her in the h.m. category until then. it felt strange because shes not what you think of first [ or at all] when that stereotype comes up.
shes a beautifully deep christian. high standards, not afraid to speak truth and that forcefully if needed, always loving, giving the benefit of the doubt, having righteous anger, sacrificing for others...and it goes on.
basically , i found in my thoughts an excitement for being able to categorize her like that. its like redeeming the term. taking back the territory that those words have occupied for so long. as christian women, women with standards and values, who know what we are worth- we are a mystery.
[i should point out that we were talking about guy stuff. ]
and it is more than acceptable to be h.m. being a strong leader, my friend gets frustrated with the men around her that are fearful of moving into her realm and who are still complacent as boys, or at least holding on to parts of boyhood that shouldnt be protected from turning into manhood.
we affirmed in her the beauty and mystery and worth tthat warranted men around her to press in and have some difficulty in pursuit. to have to work to know a true woman.
these fresh thoughts kinda hit me between the eyes. made me step back and look at myself, just a little. im not contemplating this much, but its in the back of my mind now.
redeeming the phrase "high maintenance"
19 May 2010
meh- dicine
so about a year - or maybe 2- ago, when that huge staph infection tsunami was sweeping through south texas[at least], i got some suspicious staph- like sightings all over my body one day at work.
it was travelling and spreading by the hours.
co- workers got all paraniod, and i felt like a freak, was scared, and went to the dermatologist. i was not to come back to work without her clearance.
[dont get me wrong, i didnt want to stay at work- i was already wondering how many kids i'd infected]
long story short it wasnt staph, i was given some meds, and a harrowing week or so is now a faded memory...
that im slightly reliving.
without the super - paranoid-"its staph" feeling. woke up monday morning with the rah- like bumps starting in the corners of my mouth and radiating onto my top lip. a little under my bottom lip.
the next day it had trekked across my chin like a good move in RISK. at least what i think would be a good move. it was sneaky, and covered a fourth of my face expertly.
called the dermatologist that i dont really like because she harps about putting sunscreen on EVERY day, and would probably turn every one into nicole kidman if she could. lady, no one is paying me for milky white skin .
anyway. i liked her more this time. she seemed less abrasive. maaybe all the staph outbreaks the other year had her super haggard. she checked it, and is doing a biopsy again just to make sure . gave me the meds that worked well last time. one of them is prednisone. its like crack for me. i didnt sleep but 3 hours last night and im really awake right now. i thought i would have a sleepy "dip" at work- that usually happens when i dont get alot of sleep. but no. super awake all day.
wondering if this is going to happen for the whole course. i have to taper the drug, but for the firstlike 5 days im on 2 a day.
but its making my skin happy.
:: i have to wash my face in bleach- infested water just as an added precaution::
i kinda want to just brain -vomit right now, but i think i'll spare you and do the good thing - rest. if you wake up in the middle of the night, be consoled. heather is up with you.
it was travelling and spreading by the hours.
co- workers got all paraniod, and i felt like a freak, was scared, and went to the dermatologist. i was not to come back to work without her clearance.
[dont get me wrong, i didnt want to stay at work- i was already wondering how many kids i'd infected]
long story short it wasnt staph, i was given some meds, and a harrowing week or so is now a faded memory...
that im slightly reliving.
without the super - paranoid-"its staph" feeling. woke up monday morning with the rah- like bumps starting in the corners of my mouth and radiating onto my top lip. a little under my bottom lip.
the next day it had trekked across my chin like a good move in RISK. at least what i think would be a good move. it was sneaky, and covered a fourth of my face expertly.
called the dermatologist that i dont really like because she harps about putting sunscreen on EVERY day, and would probably turn every one into nicole kidman if she could. lady, no one is paying me for milky white skin .
anyway. i liked her more this time. she seemed less abrasive. maaybe all the staph outbreaks the other year had her super haggard. she checked it, and is doing a biopsy again just to make sure . gave me the meds that worked well last time. one of them is prednisone. its like crack for me. i didnt sleep but 3 hours last night and im really awake right now. i thought i would have a sleepy "dip" at work- that usually happens when i dont get alot of sleep. but no. super awake all day.
wondering if this is going to happen for the whole course. i have to taper the drug, but for the firstlike 5 days im on 2 a day.
but its making my skin happy.
:: i have to wash my face in bleach- infested water just as an added precaution::
i kinda want to just brain -vomit right now, but i think i'll spare you and do the good thing - rest. if you wake up in the middle of the night, be consoled. heather is up with you.
15 May 2010
deviation
im still going to bum around in the topic of humility, guys. dont worry. but when something beautiful happens, gears are gonna shift.
hunky lars, my passionate volvo, tells me when his feet are tired. [a.k.a. low pressure]
i fill them up again and everything is fine. lately, though, the loss of air wasnt normal, since the temperature wasnt changing drastically. and thurs nite at one in the morning, im frustrated because hes still telling me he "needs air now".
fine, tomorrow we'll go to the volvo service center.
friday i woke up to torrential downpour.
but i had to get my gingiva followed up on- looks great, i can start braces any time- and so i went out. good thing i enjoy rain.
went to volvo. theres a nail in a tire, irrepairable.
the man told me hes not supposed to, but suggested i try somewhere else. i go to discount. not much cheaper, and PROBABLY can get the tire shipped over by the afternoon.
not good enough. so, i go back to volvo, and since i know its going to be a bit of a wait, i look around in my car for something. bypassed the bible and went to my john eldredge trilogy. currently rereading Waking the Dead.
::read it::
God, thank you for the nail in my tire, thank you for the extra waiting time while all techs were at lunch, thank you for the empty waiting area so i could cry, thanks.
this is where i give you things that bathed my heart and ended up bathing my face.
"Our deepest thoughts are held in our hearts. Scripture itself claims to be "sharper than any two- edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."(Heb. 4:12). Not the feelings of the heart, the thoughts of the heart. Remember... Mary "pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2:19), as you do when some news of great import keeps you up in the middle of the night.
"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." Prov.23:7
It is the thoughts an intents of the heart that shape a person's life.
The apostle Paul drives this home when he states: " If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified"(Rom. 10:9-10). ....
Where does saving faith come from? The heart. Which raises a troubling reality for all of us:you do not belong to God, you are not a Christian at all, until you engage your heart, believe with your heart. Jesus said the same when, in a moment of frustration with his own people, he cried,
"For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and i would heal them. (Matt. 13:15)
The mind is a faculty, and a magnificent one ast that. But the heart is the dwelling place of our true beliefs. "
HK=read romans 7:17-18, 20, 22.
"Paul is making a crucial distinction:This is not me, this is not my true heart. Listen to how he talks about himself in other places. He opens every letter by introducing himself as "Paul, an apostle." Not as a sinner, but as an apostle, writing to the "saints." Dump the religiosity; think about this mythically. Paul, appointed as a GreatOne in the kingdom,writing to other Great Allies of the kingdom. How bold of him. There is no false humility, no groveling.
HK=read Eph.3:2-5.
"Paul is unashamed to say that he knows things no man before him knew. He even assumes theyve heard about him, the mysteries revealed to him. That is part of his glory. His humility come through clearly, in that he quickly admits its all been a gift, and in fact, agift given to him for others.
And listen to the way he talks about us: "You shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life" (Phil. 2:15-16). .... You are supposed to shimmer. .... All this groveling and self- deprecation done by Christians is often just shame masquerading as humility. Shame says, "Im nothing to look at. Im not capable of goodness." Humility says, "Ibear a glory for sure, but it is a reflected glory. A grace given to me." Your story does not begin with sin. It begins with a glory bestowed on you by God.
"Certainly, you will admit that God is glorious. Is there anyyone more kind?...creative?...valiant?...true?... daring?... beautiful?...wise?... generous? You are hiss offspring. His child. His reflection. His likeness. You bear his image. Do remember that ...he made the heavens and the earth...the desert and the sea...and said, "It is good," [and that] only after he made you he said, "It is very good." Think of it: your original glory was greater than anything that's ever taken your breath away in nature.
....
"If I make the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And the lips more scarlet,
Or ask if all be right
From mirror after mirror
No vanity's displayed:
I'm looking for the face I had
Before the world was made. "
W.B. Yeats
"Yes, thats itt. When you take a second glance in the mirror,... you are looking for a glory you know you were meant to have...."
it goes on. i could keep typing. i wish i could make lots of people read this book. my heart had been in alot of different places, and wasnt resting. Holy gave me rest in his words. and, gave me rest about next summer. possibly going to romania again; looking at preparing for whatever that looks like- being ok with maybe setting my job aside. as in, not coming back to the one i have.
as i was typing some of this out, i realized it DID have humility stuff in it. so yay. im not being a yo-yo, this is a progression! more humility later. i found out today a close friend has been looking at humility herself, so im excited. ive been given co- travelers.
hunky lars, my passionate volvo, tells me when his feet are tired. [a.k.a. low pressure]
i fill them up again and everything is fine. lately, though, the loss of air wasnt normal, since the temperature wasnt changing drastically. and thurs nite at one in the morning, im frustrated because hes still telling me he "needs air now".
fine, tomorrow we'll go to the volvo service center.
friday i woke up to torrential downpour.
but i had to get my gingiva followed up on- looks great, i can start braces any time- and so i went out. good thing i enjoy rain.
went to volvo. theres a nail in a tire, irrepairable.
the man told me hes not supposed to, but suggested i try somewhere else. i go to discount. not much cheaper, and PROBABLY can get the tire shipped over by the afternoon.
not good enough. so, i go back to volvo, and since i know its going to be a bit of a wait, i look around in my car for something. bypassed the bible and went to my john eldredge trilogy. currently rereading Waking the Dead.
::read it::
God, thank you for the nail in my tire, thank you for the extra waiting time while all techs were at lunch, thank you for the empty waiting area so i could cry, thanks.
this is where i give you things that bathed my heart and ended up bathing my face.
"Our deepest thoughts are held in our hearts. Scripture itself claims to be "sharper than any two- edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."(Heb. 4:12). Not the feelings of the heart, the thoughts of the heart. Remember... Mary "pondered them in her heart" (Luke 2:19), as you do when some news of great import keeps you up in the middle of the night.
"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." Prov.23:7
It is the thoughts an intents of the heart that shape a person's life.
The apostle Paul drives this home when he states: " If you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified"(Rom. 10:9-10). ....
Where does saving faith come from? The heart. Which raises a troubling reality for all of us:you do not belong to God, you are not a Christian at all, until you engage your heart, believe with your heart. Jesus said the same when, in a moment of frustration with his own people, he cried,
"For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and i would heal them. (Matt. 13:15)
The mind is a faculty, and a magnificent one ast that. But the heart is the dwelling place of our true beliefs. "
HK=read romans 7:17-18, 20, 22.
"Paul is making a crucial distinction:This is not me, this is not my true heart. Listen to how he talks about himself in other places. He opens every letter by introducing himself as "Paul, an apostle." Not as a sinner, but as an apostle, writing to the "saints." Dump the religiosity; think about this mythically. Paul, appointed as a GreatOne in the kingdom,writing to other Great Allies of the kingdom. How bold of him. There is no false humility, no groveling.
HK=read Eph.3:2-5.
"Paul is unashamed to say that he knows things no man before him knew. He even assumes theyve heard about him, the mysteries revealed to him. That is part of his glory. His humility come through clearly, in that he quickly admits its all been a gift, and in fact, agift given to him for others.
And listen to the way he talks about us: "You shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life" (Phil. 2:15-16). .... You are supposed to shimmer. .... All this groveling and self- deprecation done by Christians is often just shame masquerading as humility. Shame says, "Im nothing to look at. Im not capable of goodness." Humility says, "Ibear a glory for sure, but it is a reflected glory. A grace given to me." Your story does not begin with sin. It begins with a glory bestowed on you by God.
"Certainly, you will admit that God is glorious. Is there anyyone more kind?...creative?...valiant?...true?... daring?... beautiful?...wise?... generous? You are hiss offspring. His child. His reflection. His likeness. You bear his image. Do remember that ...he made the heavens and the earth...the desert and the sea...and said, "It is good," [and that] only after he made you he said, "It is very good." Think of it: your original glory was greater than anything that's ever taken your breath away in nature.
....
"If I make the lashes dark
And the eyes more bright
And the lips more scarlet,
Or ask if all be right
From mirror after mirror
No vanity's displayed:
I'm looking for the face I had
Before the world was made. "
W.B. Yeats
"Yes, thats itt. When you take a second glance in the mirror,... you are looking for a glory you know you were meant to have...."
it goes on. i could keep typing. i wish i could make lots of people read this book. my heart had been in alot of different places, and wasnt resting. Holy gave me rest in his words. and, gave me rest about next summer. possibly going to romania again; looking at preparing for whatever that looks like- being ok with maybe setting my job aside. as in, not coming back to the one i have.
as i was typing some of this out, i realized it DID have humility stuff in it. so yay. im not being a yo-yo, this is a progression! more humility later. i found out today a close friend has been looking at humility herself, so im excited. ive been given co- travelers.
08 May 2010
humble
meek or modest
deferentially respectful
deference- submission or courteous yielding to the opinion, wishes, or judgement of another. courteous respect.
but what if theyre wrong? or being a jerk?
is this when the Christ-like ness comes in, cuz it doesnt make sense? this has the potential for being misunderstood all over it. and getting misunderstood hurts. its shameful.
let me elaborate.
thursday we were getting a little behind with the schedule, and i had a really nice family of 3 waiting. [there were 3 kids. at work, we only count the children]
i told one dr -we'll call her #1- that this family needed to see her. with a certain insurance we take, the newer dr we have cant see them; she wont get paid.
this newer dr is on a trial/ help- us- out- certain- days basis. we'll call her #2. i dont think i'll mention the dr's much after this, but just in case.
#1 NEEDED to be out of the office by a certain time, and still had a treatment. i let her know they were delta, and she was like, ok, i guess im seeing them. in my mind, theyve been waiting, she hasnt gone into her tx yet- oppotune time for exams, right?
she went to her tx:
so, im a pretty blunt/ honest person. some of you may have been hurt by this characteristic of mine before. im sorry. i got a taste of how painful it can be.
i told her, we're waiting on #1 because shes the only one that can see them because of insurance; #2 basically doesnt get paid if she sees yall.
::yes, i said it like that::
the mom was so indignant, but like caustically laughing too. she thought that sounded so horrible, and she was talking about how i phrased it. "so, basically she wont do the exams because she wont get PAID?!" i felt some humble pie getting stuck in my throat, as i wanted to rephrase my statement. but then i wouldve sounded like more of an idiot.
so i said yes.
i quietly got up and let her know id see what i could do, maybe we can work something out paperwork -wise.
i walked to the other side of the office and really, hid behind an operatory. #2 was doing an exam there and i contemplated asking her if she would pro - bono.
i fought back some tears. one of my co- workers saw me and had a questioning look on her face. i mouthed that i was in a not- good place and looked away. she was relieved that she didnt have to deal with a bleary- eyed hygienist right then; we were busy.
i felt the clock breathing down my back too, i didnt want that family to wait any longer, i wanted to redeem myself in her eyes.
for her to not pass judgement on me.
i finally got "front desk" person to come and explain it. we could let #2 see them, theres some easily handled paperwork. easier than i thought.
the mom was like, it sounds so much better when you say it! - to the front desk.
i dont like humility.
i can handle it when the people around me know me already. they make more correct assumptions about my character and they know my heart toward them is good. this mom didnt know.
im actually glad the dad was there. he was quiet[and he wasnt around right when i used my "crass verbage"], but i know he had to have quelled a little of the storm in her .
so. being myself isnt going to be enough for alot of people. especially in stone oak:-P
but it hurts to not be enough for their standard. it seems like it should be obtained easily enough. but no. im me. and im not looking to their standard. i understand more and more david crying out to God to not be put to shame. shames a bitch when its undeserved. makes forgiveness harder.
so- pouring myself out unreservedly for the sake of others.in my simpleness, when i set myself up for her to rip me, i was making myself vulnerable. you never know whats going to come out of a parent when they feel waiting in the dr office is a waste of their time. we actually make ourselves vulnerable every time. so this one wasnt much different, i just felt shame about my lack of knowledge. so is that being humble- was that pouring myself out? i was for them and wanting them to know where they stood timewise. we tend to feed parents ubiquitous bull easily in regards to timeframes. im willing to agree that i was humble at the beginning. did i stay in humility, or did i shut down? i defintely felt humiliated. all these words are so similar, and so far apart from each other in my mind.
youre probably thinking, why is she wrestling with this so much? well, i tend to wrestle alot. analyze. its something i do. but moreso, i want to make sure im not shutting down. i want to be present with people and offer them truth/ reality/make them reconsider their stance on how life should work. especially at my job.
this might be the end of my humility thoughts, it might not.
deferentially respectful
deference- submission or courteous yielding to the opinion, wishes, or judgement of another. courteous respect.
but what if theyre wrong? or being a jerk?
is this when the Christ-like ness comes in, cuz it doesnt make sense? this has the potential for being misunderstood all over it. and getting misunderstood hurts. its shameful.
let me elaborate.
thursday we were getting a little behind with the schedule, and i had a really nice family of 3 waiting. [there were 3 kids. at work, we only count the children]
i told one dr -we'll call her #1- that this family needed to see her. with a certain insurance we take, the newer dr we have cant see them; she wont get paid.
this newer dr is on a trial/ help- us- out- certain- days basis. we'll call her #2. i dont think i'll mention the dr's much after this, but just in case.
#1 NEEDED to be out of the office by a certain time, and still had a treatment. i let her know they were delta, and she was like, ok, i guess im seeing them. in my mind, theyve been waiting, she hasnt gone into her tx yet- oppotune time for exams, right?
she went to her tx:
so, im a pretty blunt/ honest person. some of you may have been hurt by this characteristic of mine before. im sorry. i got a taste of how painful it can be.
i told her, we're waiting on #1 because shes the only one that can see them because of insurance; #2 basically doesnt get paid if she sees yall.
::yes, i said it like that::
the mom was so indignant, but like caustically laughing too. she thought that sounded so horrible, and she was talking about how i phrased it. "so, basically she wont do the exams because she wont get PAID?!" i felt some humble pie getting stuck in my throat, as i wanted to rephrase my statement. but then i wouldve sounded like more of an idiot.
so i said yes.
i quietly got up and let her know id see what i could do, maybe we can work something out paperwork -wise.
i walked to the other side of the office and really, hid behind an operatory. #2 was doing an exam there and i contemplated asking her if she would pro - bono.
i fought back some tears. one of my co- workers saw me and had a questioning look on her face. i mouthed that i was in a not- good place and looked away. she was relieved that she didnt have to deal with a bleary- eyed hygienist right then; we were busy.
i felt the clock breathing down my back too, i didnt want that family to wait any longer, i wanted to redeem myself in her eyes.
for her to not pass judgement on me.
i finally got "front desk" person to come and explain it. we could let #2 see them, theres some easily handled paperwork. easier than i thought.
the mom was like, it sounds so much better when you say it! - to the front desk.
i dont like humility.
i can handle it when the people around me know me already. they make more correct assumptions about my character and they know my heart toward them is good. this mom didnt know.
im actually glad the dad was there. he was quiet[and he wasnt around right when i used my "crass verbage"], but i know he had to have quelled a little of the storm in her .
so. being myself isnt going to be enough for alot of people. especially in stone oak:-P
but it hurts to not be enough for their standard. it seems like it should be obtained easily enough. but no. im me. and im not looking to their standard. i understand more and more david crying out to God to not be put to shame. shames a bitch when its undeserved. makes forgiveness harder.
so- pouring myself out unreservedly for the sake of others.in my simpleness, when i set myself up for her to rip me, i was making myself vulnerable. you never know whats going to come out of a parent when they feel waiting in the dr office is a waste of their time. we actually make ourselves vulnerable every time. so this one wasnt much different, i just felt shame about my lack of knowledge. so is that being humble- was that pouring myself out? i was for them and wanting them to know where they stood timewise. we tend to feed parents ubiquitous bull easily in regards to timeframes. im willing to agree that i was humble at the beginning. did i stay in humility, or did i shut down? i defintely felt humiliated. all these words are so similar, and so far apart from each other in my mind.
youre probably thinking, why is she wrestling with this so much? well, i tend to wrestle alot. analyze. its something i do. but moreso, i want to make sure im not shutting down. i want to be present with people and offer them truth/ reality/make them reconsider their stance on how life should work. especially at my job.
this might be the end of my humility thoughts, it might not.
04 May 2010
our longings for love, unity in diversity, communication, community, humility, peace, and selflessness are in fact- by design- longings for the trinitarian God.
human desires corrupted by sin turn in on themselves[ "inward growing eyes"] and the longings turn to lusts.
we long for humility, where people pour out themselves unreservedly for the benefit and well- being of others.
these are some thoughts, mostly verbatim, from the book doctrine.
i am really struck by the last one. ive never thought of myself as longing for others to have humility. ive wanted it in myself, seen it lacking in myself, because i know all the little inner workings of my heart and thoughts. i know im not living out of humbleness. but hadnt paid attention to the fact that i see the lack in others. ive deadened that, willing to just gloss over it and, oh well. you cant expect anything from people these days. even people being humble in their car, and letting me go, or whatever, i sometimes meet with disdain. it pricks my longing and even though they cant see it i react ugly.
even around people i love and they care for me. like at work, most of the time i dont expect people to pour out anything for the benefit of me or anyone else for that matter. theres one woman who does, and when she stops you can tell... shes usually burnt out at that point,and she has one of those EXTREMELY long mom- fuses.
its just rare. and where does that sit in my heart....?do i want to be rare? do i want to pour myself out?
id like to say yes.
Pro 15:33
The fear of the LORD [is] the instruction of wisdom; and before honour [is] humility.
Pro 18:12
Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, and before honour [is] humility.
Pro 22:4
By humility [and] the fear of the LORD [are] riches, and honour, and life.
Act 20:19
Serving the Lord with all humility of mind, and with many tears, and temptations, which befell me by the lying in wait of the Jews:
Col 2:18
Let no man beguile you of your reward in a voluntary humility and worshipping of angels, intruding into those things which he hath not seen, vainly puffed up by his fleshly mind,
Col 2:23
Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.
1Pe 5:5
Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all [of you] be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.
i am intrigued now, but i promised myself id go to sleep earlier this night. i dont know that i understand the def of humility in the kj way. placing the thought of pouring myself out unreservedly into these texts/ contexts is a place i want to sit and think. another night.
::ok, one last thought. what is "voluntary humility," why is it different than regular humility, and why is it negative?::
human desires corrupted by sin turn in on themselves[ "inward growing eyes"] and the longings turn to lusts.
we long for humility, where people pour out themselves unreservedly for the benefit and well- being of others.
these are some thoughts, mostly verbatim, from the book doctrine.
i am really struck by the last one. ive never thought of myself as longing for others to have humility. ive wanted it in myself, seen it lacking in myself, because i know all the little inner workings of my heart and thoughts. i know im not living out of humbleness. but hadnt paid attention to the fact that i see the lack in others. ive deadened that, willing to just gloss over it and, oh well. you cant expect anything from people these days. even people being humble in their car, and letting me go, or whatever, i sometimes meet with disdain. it pricks my longing and even though they cant see it i react ugly.
even around people i love and they care for me. like at work, most of the time i dont expect people to pour out anything for the benefit of me or anyone else for that matter. theres one woman who does, and when she stops you can tell... shes usually burnt out at that point,and she has one of those EXTREMELY long mom- fuses.
its just rare. and where does that sit in my heart....?do i want to be rare? do i want to pour myself out?
id like to say yes.
Pro 15:33
The fear of the LORD [is] the instruction of wisdom; and before honour [is] humility.
Pro 18:12
Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, and before honour [is] humility.
Pro 22:4
By humility [and] the fear of the LORD [are] riches, and honour, and life.
Act 20:19
Serving the Lord with all humility of mind, and with many tears, and temptations, which befell me by the lying in wait of the Jews:
Col 2:18
Let no man beguile you of your reward in a voluntary humility and worshipping of angels, intruding into those things which he hath not seen, vainly puffed up by his fleshly mind,
Col 2:23
Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.
1Pe 5:5
Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all [of you] be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.
i am intrigued now, but i promised myself id go to sleep earlier this night. i dont know that i understand the def of humility in the kj way. placing the thought of pouring myself out unreservedly into these texts/ contexts is a place i want to sit and think. another night.
::ok, one last thought. what is "voluntary humility," why is it different than regular humility, and why is it negative?::
01 May 2010
im going to be randomly posting "bible stuff" - sorta doing a little study of doctrine/ theology. its going to be a discipline, actually studying the bible with the help of a book; and thinking.... this feels alot like school and i havent done it in a while. we'll see how sporadic i get:)
ive been focusing alot on what im giving and receiving in relationships. its become a checks and balances, and has been deadening. ive been screaming at God, with tears, saying why. this is all from a focus that ultimately just wants to make sure heather is taken care of.
there are places in my life/ being that i need to make sure are cared over, yes. but ive taken back again the right of the LORD to take care of me.
so - handing over the microscope thats been on my interactions with people. laying aside the part of me that wants to force others to take care of me in whatever way i think they should, and let them bless me with a surprise of caring for me well when it flows out of love and is on their timetable.
ive come closer to the reality of pouring myself. i know im a giver, but i always look at how i can give in terms of money. i feel like its more important that way somehow. but listening to the lady in my complex, sharing listening to adventures in oddessy with her, giving her that extra attention- this is a great gift, and honestly it teaches me sacrifice.
im making a conscious effort to paint regularly. :) its already really awesome!! Gods letting me see what purposes it has. some of the purpose, like giving me an emotional outlet thats on a different plane that speaking or writing, i used to shove to the side as not as important.
today- knowing how i feel after ive painted- it is now known fully by me that this facet of its importance is not to be taken lightly.
ive been focusing alot on what im giving and receiving in relationships. its become a checks and balances, and has been deadening. ive been screaming at God, with tears, saying why. this is all from a focus that ultimately just wants to make sure heather is taken care of.
there are places in my life/ being that i need to make sure are cared over, yes. but ive taken back again the right of the LORD to take care of me.
so - handing over the microscope thats been on my interactions with people. laying aside the part of me that wants to force others to take care of me in whatever way i think they should, and let them bless me with a surprise of caring for me well when it flows out of love and is on their timetable.
ive come closer to the reality of pouring myself. i know im a giver, but i always look at how i can give in terms of money. i feel like its more important that way somehow. but listening to the lady in my complex, sharing listening to adventures in oddessy with her, giving her that extra attention- this is a great gift, and honestly it teaches me sacrifice.
im making a conscious effort to paint regularly. :) its already really awesome!! Gods letting me see what purposes it has. some of the purpose, like giving me an emotional outlet thats on a different plane that speaking or writing, i used to shove to the side as not as important.
today- knowing how i feel after ive painted- it is now known fully by me that this facet of its importance is not to be taken lightly.
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