psalm 119 and my needinesss

"May your lovingkindnesses also come to me , O Lord, Your salvation according to your word;
So I will have an answer for him who reproaches me, for I trust in Your word. " verses 41 and 42

I have been "sitting" and "walking" in interesting places recently with God. Places I don't understand.
So much of it ties back to my worth and sexuality. Things I thought I had a good grasp on, that I understood their place.

Recently I felt God tell me that I would never be married, or at least it would be  a way longer single season than I would like.  This stirred up all kinds of ugly- which shows it had a purpose. There's no way God wants all these lies to hang on to my heart, especially if I desire to help expel them from other women and girls.

The lies came up: I'm not worth anything to anyone,  I don't matter to people, and that I can just be used, like a whore.
psalm 119 has been awesome and timely [ I'm doing a study on it, called Sweeter Than Chocolate, by  Gillespie.], and is teaching me that  his Word will keep me from shame, and I must trust it.
Trust  and Shame. So inextricably tied to all that I am about to type.

I am afraid of my sexuality, and what I am capable of, with it. Last night, staring into the "Christmas" tree, I found the fear.  I gave my  body so readily to Jennifer over 7 yrs ago, and a few yrs ago, as I laid on the bed of a guy  I was dating, and then later on my couch, I was so willing for him to do whatever he wanted with me. Thankfully he didn't. I didn't love either of them.

As I sit in this place of not having marriage in my future [as far as I can see], I think it doesn't matter what I do with my body, and that how guys perceive me is unimportant.
Yet I am still afraid to let them close. If some man decides he is attracted to me, even if I am not towards him, over time I will cave. Over time [ if I stay in this mindset], I will allow him to do whatever he wants. I am afraid of even making new friends with men, and letting them close. what if they are not safe? What if I cannot read them? What happens when my guard is down?
When my guard is down, I date people that I am not interested in. When my guard is down, I allow people to use me however they want. I have great boundaries when I am an iron vault.

So this tension exists. The tension of realizing love must flow through me to others [and in a way, to myself] if I am truly to be of God, while living in a broken world where love is imperfect and misinterpreted.
The tension of knowing love is desperately needed of me, and that risk of giving it, will most likely result in personal pain.
The tension of allowing my longing for intimacy and being safe for others to get close to, without expecting or exacting any certain amount of love from them.
[all of that tension talk might not be "spectrum perfect," but that's as clear as my mind and heart can make it.]

Coming back to the verses at the beginning:
My lies are apparent. They are the ones that reproach me. God's lovingkindnesses must be accepted. I have to cling to them!
Verse 73 says," Your hands made me and fashioned me; give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments."
He knows exactly the best way that I can and will learn things. I can trust him, and I must risk with him to know that there is no shame in his presence by the Blood of Jesus Christ. Risk learning new ways. It baffles me that with all the vulnerability I have accomplished in the past, that my heart shut down again.
He is good, but not safe [to paraphrase C.S. Lewis]- how interesting that he is still the most safe chest to lean into. The safest wings to be sheltered under. The safest fire, and the safest storm.

i was going to copy/ paste the whole thing.. but i already had the link copied.

http://heatherakelley.wordpress.com/2013/11/06/55/

i am in a house, which is a "permanent" thing. going though all the material possessions i have accumulated over 7 years [ and fitting most of it into a 8' x10' room] is almost debilitating.
ive been cranky, and blah, and not really caring to invite people over or call people up. the lack of couch and overall "doneness" of the house may be part of that.
i really think there is a major psychological and emotional grieving i am going through as i throw away much of my treasures. theres just not a place for them, in the long run, and i need to start collecting differently.
see, i am a collector. i used to embrace it fully when i was little. things of like kind, rocks, rock animals [carved from soapstone and sold in mexico mostly], margarita stir sticks with really cool glass figurines on top, books, letters and notes, pictures, stuffed animals, keychains, lip balm [the last 2 listed i had about 50 each of both at one time. my purse contained a bag of lip product and keychains.  and my house key.] .

theres probably more. but you get the idea. i started thinking it was just some weird thing.
but i like to be right. i like to collect information.
i like having large parties with a bunch of people. i like to collect friends.
i like to hear people's hearts and laugh or cry with them as needed. i like to collect stories with trust.

i have one more big box of papers and cards- lots of words of affirmation- to go, before im halfway at the point i want to be at. im putting it off. its really time consuming, and, it truncates my project that i had, of putting all of those things in a scrapbook. im just doing a 180 here.

i havent felt myself for a while. that is becoming more and more common. and i feel less fun and more serious. if its who im supposed to be, thats fine, but i just want to be honest to my present. whatever my present is.