it was really hard to come home tonight alone. to an alone apt. i generalized something about myself- on the way home i was reminded and knew it was a fear. i feel my scope of ability and opportunity is closing.. there used to be ways i felt about what i could do, and the time i had to do it in, etc . life felt so full of possibility. it doesnt feel like that right now.
so many people are moving. not just moving locations to live somewhere else, but their lives are moving. theyre doing things that are passions and their passions still give them joy in the anticipation, planning, and action.
i feel like im turning into one of those small people. furtive, papery people.
i was mean to my friends and petty tonight, and looking back on that, i know a deep pain in me that really loves to have people around, and knowing i cant show them all of my heart that i would like to because theres not enough time, i end up not giving any and then im holding all this feeling and thought and it makes me tired.

i want leave for a little bit. i need to get away . and i cant because there are obligations. bills. promises [ good promises].
i feel like ive been asking God for whatever im needing, and i dont know that its being given and im slowly dying.

"everything i did in my life that was worthwhile i caught hell for."

- earl warren.

are we catching hell?


my mind tries to wrap around the thought of a just God. it cant.
then it tries to wrap around the fact that this just God tells me i will have trouble in this life for being righteous and living for him.
we need to stop rewarding our kids for doing good. it just sets us up to be selfish. sense of entitlement.
we hardly ever get rewarded for truth and good- ness.
how am i specifically supposed to instill in the kids im around, that its not just here, but you need to be righteous because He asks us to...?
how do i let that sink into myself...?

ive been doing a pretty good job of not paying attention to God~ at least, i think i am.

i was wistful in austin. i always long so desperately in my core when there. i honestly dont know why. these feelings come when im in other places too. they are magnified there. i wanted to get to the bottom of this feeling.
the word wistful came to me, and id never been able to pinpoint the feeling before.
so i figured this was the time to look at it. [ would'ja just lookatit?]

these are the layers and colors.
i want my husband, and i want to share life with him.
want to be known.
want to shop w him. want him to buy me clothes.

want a house i can decorate, and make it into a place of art, and a place of welcoming.

want my life have more opportunity for being. not so much doing.
--so these were the thoughts. some didnt come as a surprise, but i looked at them fresh-ly.
ive always had this longing that my spouse would take me shopping and want me to buy beautiful things and just to enjoy that. [theres a wanting to buy him things too, mixed up in there. im not all selfish!] it struck me as really odd. i allowed myself to step back from that thought and question it.
came away a little shocked.
my life could probably be put on a timeline and categorized by the outfits ive worn. the displays of various dress, and with that, various personas and acting.
it was at its zenith when i was younger- 4-7, or so. seven feels old. but its probably accurate, cuz i still wouldve been in 1st grade. and we didnt move to corpus until middle of 2nd.
i dont recall dancing so much for my family after we moved. but before! i would dress up and sit my daddy down [ sometimes my mom, when she agreed and stayed seated], and dance, and want [them] to watch me.
the connection really hit me- its so base! so freudian.
and so true to how our hearts work.
i just want to rest in someones gaze, and know they find me beautiful and want to stick around.

i started talking to God about this in bacon.
something that came out of my questioning was: i treasure my husband. i didnt think much of this sentiment, and went on thinking.
then sunday came and i felt God pulling at me and i stayed busy.

and then i read some proverbs this morning, and " ..if you will search for it as hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord."
i didnt like this spotlight too much. my heart has held marriage countless times over as an idol, above God. because i definitely dont feel like i treasure God. there are not similar longings for him.
i have been looking at risk, and thanks to oswald chambers, what true self sacrifice and handing over our lives to God should look like.
a tension i hate is hanging over me. both ways, i dont know how to make happen. theres the home w the "picket fence," i love it and all the security it entails, and it scares the crap out of me that i could be that settled. no more change [what i forsee as no change]. and then theres the other way, living transient and free, not being held down.- that way feels more like living solitary. i want both ways and am scared of both ways. my future feels very small and suffocating, but very unknown. i treasure my future and my hopes- but at what cost to my relationship to God? this is what i dont know. all these thoughts are swirling with no answers.
why do others' lives seem so purposeful and together, and mine so discontent? i cry when i think that i am ungrateful for what God has allowed for me to live out. i dont want to be that person. and i feel paralyzed trying to move into the discipline of gratefulness and being present w my life. i get tired of being present. people say you will get burnt out on ministry if the Lords not in it. i beg God to put me where he is, and be in the all that im doing, and i still am tired.

well this post went a couple different ways.
i think the overarching take- home of this is
i want to be known and loved, and i am still looking for it even though i have it . im frustrated that i want to be with the Lord and at the same time dont. i dont have any concrete goals to hold on to.

overwhelmed

-- thats where im sitting recently. the word has been used by me in the quiet of my heart, with the LORD, with no one around.

its been with me when i see the amount of STUFF i have to wade through to keep up with the trivialities of life.

it surfaced multiple times these past 2 weeks
grasping hold of my desire and drive for community while being living with people in the journey
sensing the love i really do have for loving on others and preparing something special for them
finding boldness in being real with friends- heart exposed and REALLY being known
feeling the weight of my impact on the children im around
fully enjoying my friends /dancing!
reveling in my beauty---that feels really brash and prideful to say
leading a discussion while feeling unsuited and scrutinized [aka not spiritual enough]
letting my heart break in little ways over things , situations and people i think i want and / or know i want
the fact that God is ENOUGH for me. he orders my days. and he teaches me gently, beyond what i deserve.
when i sit, and feel his presence wrap about me, and theres no rhyme or reason for him to love me other than he does, and he can cuz hes God-
overwhelming.