wondering what my soul looks like

last night--i think it was last night-- i was very sad.
this is happening more regularly, me being sad. sometimes it is triggered by the young married guy getting consolation from a friend that the cranky, no sleep baby phase his wife is going through with their little one will, indeed, pass.
its a dear sweet mentor telling me things like, "your husband is going to love your hair." and she meant it.
its holding my coworkers newborn.

so, these moments have been more common lately, and i have resigned myself to the fact that i may be crying myself to bed every night now, and thats the season im in. God knows.
im about to tell you my most comforting piece of truth, the one ive been choking, im holding it so hard. [i'll give you a hint-  i already said it]
GOD KNOWS
so much of a place of rest for me lately. i think i AM learning this rest stuff. waiting is sooooo haaaaard! ive mentioned it before, i know.  its just, nothing new is happening. so we talk about the same things.

i used to have alot more community available to me, where we could all be real and say exactly whats going on, and it was ok, and not shocking, i miss that so much. its felt like part of me has been slowly dying; im finding it harder to be open with people. that scares the shit out of me to think that i am hiding.  calling friends to chat is probably a good remedy for this, and one that is hard for me to do. thanks a lot, God.

so, heres a way for me to feel like im still being vulnerable. its kinda cheating, but kinda not.  last night i was crying so much - and when i do that, i wonder what i look like, i wonder if my soul is showing. taking expressionless pictures of myself is not a good idea. i looked super weird. so weird, that i started laughing, and thought, lets see if we get any good pics out of that! [ you might be thinking- youre not laughing in those pictures. but if you had just cried as much as i did, thats what laughing comes out as.] and i think i'll throw in the sketches i was doing while all this was going on. its me sad, and me happy.

just overflowin.

im super tired, but i want to brag on God! hes so great! i want to put this on fb, but my update is there, and i want ppl to see it so they will stop bugging me:)
had a great day with God. he is such a blessing. good people, good talks, giving me freedom with my self. sometimes, do you hold your 'self' in too much esteem? i do, and start taking myself way seriously, and not focusing on others....
there has been more healing. and the funny thing with God is, sometimes he sneaks healing in, and im like, WHA...- omg! thank you!
in the letters to the churches, paul talks a bit about the mystery of God. its Christ in us. its all his work; ALL his work. none of the work can be ours, its impossible. our role is to search out that mystery that in in us by the holy Spirit, and thank him for it, and make sure the things we are learning are biblical, that the thoughts and 'christian' ideas we here are truely based in the bible.
the word was showcased today.
what i mean by that is, the word of God.
-the bible
-Christ being the vehicle for that spoken God-word, that started it all, and in him all things consist and have their meaning and being [john 1:1 and on]
-our words! ...if Christ lives in us, and we have the fulness of joy and the hope of glory, that means he is at work in us, and need to say yes to all opportunity of thankfulness, to cultivate joy, and also allow him to guide our thoughts  and words, so that his glory can be seen and be giving others his hope of salvation!

i cannot fathom that he is so willing to make us his body, and allow his holiness to live in us. he loves us enough to sign up for battle with our sinful part, battle over the broken places to make us whole and battle over our true self, to give us freedom.
and i came upon  such rest tonight while at the bible study. i have been running up against so many people wanting to know where my life is headed, wanting to see the purpose, see some fruit and some doing. which is good- i want to see it too.
and there is a time of waiting now, and learning to surrender and say yes. and i am there. and im not getting ahead of God; i am waiting. it does not look productive at all. i am ok with that. im so ready for the next person to ask me what is happening, and where i think God is leading , and if i have any direction yet. i so want to be able to tell them a resounding NO and just shine out this restful joy that hes given. i want to usher them into the idea that God is not so hung up on production as we see it. his time table is so different.
yea. Christocentric! [bwahahah. its a word, apparently. it feels like ACTIVATE! #shoutouttaytay]

getting ready to be grateful

came to the blog and wrote out a list of where i am at. i love all the words, and all the feelings that are here. hope is alive. i found a legal pad i was writing notes on, and had no idea when this was taking place- reading all the things i was wrestling with, and thinking through- it baffled me! they were hitting me directly NOW.  and i had written them and struggled through them then. it was while reading listening to love by jan meyer. friggin sweet.
ok, heres the list, and my expounded - ness on it

rest. silence--reading part of a book tonight, after not using my allotment of words today, i found the perfect way to strive for rest. the author brought up time, and movement, and the heart in a picture of the water wheel. its moving, and water is moving forward, and its constant. the core of it is the heart. [this is where i take it where my mind is right now] yes, there  is movement and life at the core. its part of the movement. and it is silent and still, almost. definitely moving less  than what is happening on the outside. almost being introspective, if you can go there with me.

not speaking- this is just always cool to me. i think i become astounded at the fact that with my personality, i can literally NOT SPEAK for hours on end.

clean-ness- it was not my intention to clean today. and, my house is clean. the bathroom cabinet and the pantry are more organized. if you come over, you should look in the bathroom  cabinet. its all orderly and cute.  being clean and straightened up helps me rest and create.

listening- passed out more food boxes with the lady in my apt complex, and listened to her, not just her words but her vibes. listened to the people we met and talked to. i love being grounded enough so that i pay attention to more words than the mouth can say. dunno if my body, mind, expressions and words respond to all that i hear; i hope they do.

creating space- there was a moment. well. 2 moments. one before i made/ ate dinner, and one after, where i kinda panicked. [and this is the first time i noticed that "panic" picks up a "k" for the past tense] anyway, i was wanting movement, people, something to do, but nothing that i had available to do, did i want to do. and i sat and made myself still. created a moment that i didnt naturally feel. started drawing[ ok, doodling], when i didnt want to. didnt feel inspired. it became a wonderful time.

opportunity- i had my day open. laundry and cleaning ended up happening, which is great. mrs mcginty called me later in the day when it was looking like tie -dye with the kids wouldnt be happening, and we did some more food boxes. which takes me to the next thing on the list...

saying yes- its what i did all day, and its what ive been trying to live out. just settling in the belief that everything that passes before me has the possibility of dignity in it- it has the worth of being considered to be lived out. obviously im only talking about good things.  the kids got all excited about ruth's gift of a tie-dye kit to me, and im finally trying to make it happen for  them. not enough kids were at home all at the same time for it to be worthwhile to mix the dye. so i told the ones that were here, we'd pick a future date and make flyers so everyone could be here. and i didnt really want to go with mrs mcginty to knock on more doors, but she was getting all worried about the oranges we had to give. so saying yes was an exercise in graciousness, and loving her and the people we were ministering to in that moment opened my heart so much. i like to feel kindness flowing from myself. non- judgement of others. love knowing God does live through me.

finding my girl- i mean me. that girl that i know, that i knew, that used to be present all the time. she is here today. last night i talked with someone, and she asked about my testimony, and i didnt even mention the homosexuality, and right after i finished sharing, she disclosed that someone super close to her had decided on that lifestyle. we talked, and i revisited myself a bit. there was a time that i felt so disconnected from who i was at that time; i didnt feel that last night. i think God was giving me some what of a gift of myself. tonight i felt like dancing a bit in the solitude. hadnt felt that way in a while. pretty sure all this is connecting.

being romanced-days like this, i just feel LOVED. drawn. God brought the best smile to my face with the song, only heather. heard about it on the spotify commercial, and somehow thought it was a gimmick that spotify had figured out to do with people's names. obviously the ads dont really work on me; i tune them out. but pure happiness was wrapped up in that song for me, and they like the moon too! new fave band. they have officially replaced the killers. which is good.

forward thinking, but present- i have all these thoughts about the future. even tomorrow. but its all wrapped  up in peace! a few weeks ago, or 2 days ago, or 4 months ago, i wouldnt have believed you if you showed me the line i just wrote. theres joy in my tomorrows!!! GUYS! THERES JOY IN MY TOMORROWS!

open-  resting has brought me openness of time, and mind, and heart. opened my possibilities.like for tomorrow- before i go to the childrens shelter, i snagged the idea randomly to get up, jog in the morning because i never get to do it, and then come back and have an artichoke with my breakfast. #becauseican
the hardest thing about hashtags is no spaces.  and i love creating useless hashtags.

new- i am fresh. bright and solid. awesomeness. thank you Jesus.

heartfelt- it just is a feeling fest. theres just heart ness happening everywhere.part of me wonders if music helps do this for me. if any of you know me, you know that if the whole world loves it, i pretty much get disgusted and go the other way. and sad to say, the world loves music, and i have not listened to music as much as maybe i have needed for regeneration. the time of listening i have had is precious, and i am grateful.
and may i mention, i usually dont really like drawing, which sounds way funny. but i found words to the feelings ive always had when drawing. its such a slow quiet thing- it makes me sad! i think most of the art i have enjoyed creating and being a part of has held sadness for me. it gets so slow in my heart, that sadness is the only word that fits. its the word that holds all the other feelings together.

somehow my 200th blog came and went. i was going to celebrate it. oh well.
::ahem::
yay, 207th!! i think thats what it said.

i feel full. im not yet ready to talk out all of the trip, because i dont want to yet. i would let everyone read the section in my journal, if it were easier to somehow pass that around.
i feel full from my desires to really live my life with the people that are in it, that i come in contact with. theres a wanting of richness in reality.
im reading  that we need  to invite the poor to our feasts instead of our friends and im wondering if Christ really wants us to go pick up some homeless people.
its ok if i feel little, and worth little in this world.

we always talk about loving people where theyre at. i just had a blaze of thought.
i want to be able to love people where im at. that way, theyll get the best, most real love from me, not something  that im trying to conjure for them, and what i think they need in their position. whoa. ok im done. bye.

prepared

heartfelt thanks pour from me to my friends, my pray-ers, my hope-ers and encouragers. you all have been a blessing, are a blessing....and will forever be a blessing! haha.
ok.
really, though, i am so grateful. with this guatemala trip, there has been so much love given to me from you all. the prayers have been efficacious; i am not afraid., and there is a bit of excitement[ read:: expectant, happy, slightly-stressed-body-from-not-feeling-like-im-sleeping-well nerves].
so much of my prayers and thoughts have been selfless- woohoo!  but it did get me thinking...why in the world does it take a trip to be "godly" toward strangers, to make me want to really shine for him, and truely love people with his best?
what is it about these things that makes it easier to pray for his will completely, and for him to move through us only, setting our own desires aside?  why dont i want to love the people i know and see daily, that well?

tonight i got to interact with one of my downstairs neighbors, where before it had just been hi's and how are you's.  pray that i would make space to chat w her more, and  my other neighbors, when i come back. that i would find my day in and day out people just as precious as these guatemalans. we are all in poverty. God is the riches. continue to pray for our teams' unity, and thank the Lord with us that we will be better be- ings who love well than do- ers who get frustrated. i am personally asking God to just  stretch time out, so that we can love exponentially in the days we have. already i think hes giving me that; i got home at 7, ate, packed, cleaned some things....it was 9 30 when i looked at the clock, and i was pretty sure it was going to say at least an hour later. what is so cool was that i hadnt rushed myself.

pray for shyness to be removed. i tend to be shy when i dont know the language, and it makes me hesitate in my actions or attempts at speaking, even if its just to a translator.
here are my teammates.
shawn
hannah
john
joshua
rick
reagan
john
annie
katie
trey
joana
rachel
travis
leah
andy
jennie
jaime
nat
cullen