my cats have been waking me up around 4 30 ish for the past 2 mornings. im pretty awake at that time; my eyes are awake. and i dont feel thick/ heavy/ achy as much.
but i know rest is important and so i lay there and pray.
thats nice. i like it. i am hopeful to being awoken like that some more...not ready for the awakening to come from my phone yet.
i  have my time on my phone split. my time, and helsinki time. its in the same corridor as the czech. and the middle east is just one hour off. i like feeling close to those that are in different places this summer. i like knowing what time it is for them, and being able to somehow pray more appropriately that way.

looking at how to smush a forum of four and red tent together. are there questions to be asked that will coincide with a study... to have 2 different levels going on, for those that are believers, they can get a little deeper... we'll see.

this woman isnt meant to have an actual job.
thats not what i love!  there are women at work that love working and cant wait to get back to work after a time off, and some do it just to have some work to do. they dont really need the money.
i dont understand this.
i would love to be able to write, and do bible studies w people, and meet up w them, and mentor, and all that.
i  like to think i would love to have children be a part of my days. i say think, because the previous line i have actually done, and know i can thrive there- the second one...havent really  tried yet.
i get excited about planning bible studies and group events. sometimes it stresses me out, yes, i'll admit to that flaw. but i do love it.

my heart wants more than the successful life that the world says iis necessary. AND. i am aware that this might be just what God wants for me. as i hope for something more, i also know that the more might just look more real than what is available while im alive here.

this weekend i had 5 days. i was really aware that God gave me this time and i should use it wisely. i had some things i was planning on getting done. and also asked the Lord to guide my days. he "took away " my time. he filled my "me" time w people. i didnt think i was going to get all my projects done.
the Lord give and the Lord takes away. blessed be the Name. thankfully, his giving back to me was very notice-able. it was in time. i have ended up having enough time. i am on my last project that i was hoping to get done. it may not be completed today, but it will be a significantly smaller pile!

i am aware of the change in my life right now. theres always this outward desire i have for change to be visible when it is mostly in my heart and spirit. so, as im shifting in my inner self, ive been cleaning out and getting rid of outer things.  as i look forward to living more simply and condensed in the physical, i am hopeful for a more extravagant and expanded in the spiritual!

my life is quiet. theres peace. only God can do this. its like standing on the edge of a cliff and the sea spray is kissing me all over gently as the soft winds whip about me- its almost enough to throw me, but not. i know im stable. my body can relax. i  dont have to stay tense to make sure i wont fall.

and theres the thought that, even if i did fall- so what. God knows.
God knows.
understands.
cares.
holds my (your) hand.
is constantly moving. [ on our behalf, for his glory] < yes , please! amazing!

thurs and fri (and today) were perfect. nothing super amazing happened- or did it?
i was able to get home on thurs in time to have water for the kids as they came home from school, and pass out donuts. got to talk to them and it helped the manager from getting distracted w the kids coming inside the office for the donuts.  friday i got to do the same thing- sans donuts. the last fri they didnt have any available either. im thinking i might have to find some easy little snack/ treat for them on fridays....
ive been contemplative as people have grieved with me and given the same suggestions for revamping kids club and making it doable.
change is not a bad thing- it is a hard, uncomfortable thing. and i am becoming ok with the kids club [ story, snack, game , etc] not happening.  friday i didnt have anything to do after i gave out water, and i was able to spend alot of time listening to a young man that people are already giving up on. that is being treated more like an adult by his older sister and dad than necessary. that thinks he has to be amazingly interesting all the time for people to be interested in him. we played chess and i beat him :) i didnt think i would- last time he and i played, he beat me, and all the other times ive played chess in the last few years, ive lost .  it was awesome:) anyway. ive been able to intrust  my stuff- frisbees, chess board and pieces, etc - to the kiddos at different times when i have to leave, and theyre always careful to leave it on my porch, or hang onto it until i come back home.
i have decided to not go to an aquaintances' goodbye party, in waiting to hopefully have a conversation with a former co- worker. shes having a rough time right now.
after i finish this, im playing another game of chess w joey.
i like being available, and my heart is hoping for more.
and maybe something even away from america.
could i go on a scouting mission trip for my birthday next year? --thanks tim for speaking something ive thought already, and making it easier to say.
gonna spend some time listening to my "son" now;)

im going to write what is hard to admit. what feels weird and out of place and not worthy to be felt.

i am in a grief over kids club that is depressing. ive cleaned out some things and got rid of some things. it felt kinda normal to cry over that, because im a little emotional at times. and sentimental.

the random moments when i have to talk to the kids, and it dawns on them that its probably never going to happen again- it kills me to see their faces then. i have let them down. i told some boys today that sometimes God does some things i dont understand but i still trust him that he loves me.
i hope they really heard that.
my body is really tired. and i feel like im carrying alot of weights, but i cant name them. and when i finally do name them, theres no relief.its just as heavy. understanding doesnt bring peace here.

im going to be really vulnerable and write out for you something that i wrote out for myself...i was hoping it would shed light on my heart and give me direction. it hasnt. but im leaving it up for me to continue to look at.

"God has given me possession of talents and "land"-how do i take hold of what i already have?
what do i have?

hospitality                        children here  -hang out, talk after school                        sex trafficking ministry
acts of service                  children @woodlawn every other tues                           giving monetarily to that?
encouragement                friend fellowship dinner (continue tues nite?)                    or going?
discernment                     singles group
ministry starting?               --dinners?                                                                     social work schooling for
prayer                              --monthly hangout?                                                       foster care?
                                       --mentor/accountability

this is what my head and heart are sitting w right now. along with this, im seeing more opportunity at work for bringing some people closer to God, and He is giving those opportunities. but it involves becoming more involved with their lives. that takes time and effort and intentionality.  its draining. i need God.

i felt this coming a couple days ago, when joyce mentioned that she was having meetings w rick and rueben, but not saying why.
due to liability [safety of the children], we cant have kids club. we've looked to see if there are any options- as of right now there are none.
its weird to hear it talked about in years. 3 years. doesnt seem that long. i came home and looked at the white board on my wall and the little trays on my floor- heck, the amount of open space in my living room- and just wondered. do i hold onto this stuff? do i give it to joyce?

the boys in the apt complex have been pretty--um, rambunctious--lately and mrs mcginty has been going outside just to be with them, so they dont get too crazy and start throwing rocks, etc.
i had a thought of going out when i can after school and just staying out there with a cooler of water, and just hangin out. being available. so that is my next step, Lord willing. and im running it by the manager tomorrow.
God never takes away to give less.

"The contradiction comes when I realize that all these experiences and emotions were real. The happiness that gave me chill bumps was as deep as my loneliness. My sense of certainty about being exactly where God wanted me was solid, but just as firm was the fact that sometimes I wondered at times what on earth I was doing here. The frustration that threatened to overtake me on some occasions was just as deep and true as the unbounded joy I felt at other times. I loved my new life; I truly loved it. But compared to the life I had been living, it was hard."
Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie


this is from a book, obviously. and one that im reading[ again, prob pretty obvious.]
it just resonated. i understand her here.
thats all about that topic for now.

im here in corpus w my family. feeling like im getting some vacay rest is good. but every time i come back, i see more clearly some aspects of my family that are so out of whack and i get hit again with chains of bondage lashing out at me; im not sure if im giving in or not.
i hold my family together well. they function better when im around. its like im a link sometimes between my brother and my parents, between my grandma and my parents, between my parents themselves.  theres darkness here thats sneaky- like, you wonder if its darkness really, after a few hours.
........is it really all that bad?
........thats just how we are...


the good things about being here this weekend are that God gave me specific and purposeful time with both parents, my grandma, and noah. jess--duuno if im gonna see her. didnt feel that meeting up with her was a need in my heart as i was driving down.
i spoke boldly  and mostly kindly. its a progress.
 noahs probably going to stay living in durango, CO, after he finishes the camp there this summer.

 i love my parents and respect them greatly more than i ever have in my life. AND i am sorrowful how they have decided to interact w us kids at times.  i am sorrowful over how i decide to act sometimes.
my dad said something pretty awesome. i think it has truth- that we're all connected, our immediate family. and not just physically, but whatever is happening spiritually- it is transmitted in a way to the others. i want more for my family now, and i want more for my family in the future, and i want more for my family that i hope to build.
so, kinda  a long snapshot of what it feels like to come back. beauty and love and known, and frustration and tension. i know yall can relate.