broken happened and now its the cycle for filling.

there is a lovely lady in my complex that loves children and knows all of them that live in the apts. she is a christian and i want to be like her when im older and im scared to be like her. because shes kinda weird and makes me a little uncomfortable/ awkward.
but shes living her life out in love for Christ and its real. and it comes easily(or maybe a better word is naturally?) to her. she pushed me in interesting ways.
shes going to be helping me with the bible club and so i asked her this evening to pass out flyers. she knocked on doors. she asked me to knock on the door. i just wanted to stick the flyers in there and walk away. i think she noticed my discomfort.
she helps with other bible clubs and the main "bible club" lady has made a comment that this woman seems to get overwhelmed with certian tasks- you have to give them to her in small doses. i experienced something else. i found a woman who knows exactly how she thinks something should be done, but is very willing to roll over for your idea, and is not at all in a rush.

this is going to be interesting. she and i, with one more lady from church, potentially 10 kids max and maybe some parents. in MY apt. i just dont know. this is going to be uncomfortable. and most likely freeing.
she introduced me to a couple that hosts alot of bible studies in their apt. they get my number, and i might go some saturday. they were the family that almost hosted this bible club. theyre just doing too much.
im worried i"ll end up doing too much. sheesh, what am i saying? i feel like im doing too much already. anyway. sleep is good. thats where i'll end up.

thank you HS Jesus and Father for holding me today. somehow they took away a part of me and replaced it. it might just be a healing replacement, to be truely filled later. but i am comforted.

i m sad and im tired and i full and i have no time for letting anyone be Jesus to me in any way that feels restful. this week is s ofull- im making myself do this so that i just dont emplode in my bed and make a mess, and freak my cats out, leaving them ownerless.
every day has had some busyness, and some of it my own doing, i'll admit, i told someone that slowing down is where you find God, and here i am feeling a whirlwind.
it pains me that we have so much doing in our lives. i "did" grace group tonight- dont get me wrong, i didnt force group, it was lovely. but coming away, i wish i felt accepted [insert gut wrenching sob over realizing my choice of word there]enough to stop and ask for a place to land. to even plan this. but everyone feels just as busy as me and i hate that. i hate that sometimes none of us stop. i want to be available to people, and i want to love them well. im getting lost in this thought of being there for eavh other. we all hold each others stuff.
dang it
im not asking anyone to hold my stuff. being responsible to speak up for myself. to ask. i hate it. i hate know somewhere in there is fear of rejection. i KNOW i wont be rejected. this is ridiculous. im tired. my nose is running, im crying, and sometimes i greatly dislike living alone.why does life have to be all this doing and going?!? im so tired.
some of its the doing and going in my mind.
bible club happens this saturday. theres a part of me that is sad that i am so afraid of something i desperately want. that i shove aside the joy in my heart about being in community with these families and loving the kids, and focus on the organization of it - and worry.that it almost feels like ive turned something i want to do into something i have to do.
its through an organization that has rules. the rules make me feel like i might do something wrong. i know theyre there for protection and continuity.
for instance- theres a possibility of children stealing stuff from me. welll, fine! why does it have to be brought up and get me worried about putting things away? it just makes me uptight and makes me start looking at these kids as little mongrels. why cant i just get stolen from and grieve the fact that these kids think they have to take ? as it is, im looking at the necklaces that i keep in my bathroom. some if them really pretty.
i go back and forth. theyre nothing. i really like that one. i want to be able to give them away if a little girl asks. but i paid for them and if i give one person something, im going to have to give everyone something. meh.
joyce called me today about the bible club stuff and sounded annoyed. i tried not to, buti took it that she was annoyed with me. i feel like im gonna have to answer to her for everything.
im really thankful for the free perio surgery that is happening the 16th, and for the time i allowed God to calm my heart. i wish i could give him all these things.
a couple people have given me information to hold that i feel i am not supposed to hold. one feels done out of ignorance, like a child saying something offhand andnot even realizing the implications. the other feels about the same, but with a weird self- gratifying cruelty directed at me.
am i the only one that has to bring up the hard conversations? am i the only one that stirs the pot? why cant people

im stopping that. im hurting people in my mind and degrading them.
i think im tireed of being safe. part of me wants to pull out all the stops and ram rod into situations and speak it like it is, wound, whatever. we can clean up later. and i dont really care if youve lost your leg. youve got another one.

but thats not kind. peopla ask me how i am, and i say good, okay; because if i tell them horrible, theyre expecting that i want to talk. but i dont even know what id say, and i dont want to make them feel badly for me.
some of the things in my heart cant be shared yet- and my heart i dont think had expanded enough to hold them.
im looking forward to putting flyers all over the approx 400 units in the apt tomorrow. seriously, i am. it will be mindless. may be i'll pray. maybe not.

im hearing truth. dang you, God. you never leave me alone anymore. there are parts to the body, and i cant go around being a dead part. crippled is something that is not true of my identity, and i have to let the other parts minister to me.



SHIT MY HEART IS BREAKING.
::it never ends, does it.

i am ready for church. im ready to relax in a place that is a feast for the soul. im ready to enjoy people that i know, and get to know others better.
i usually wear makeup when im feeling not so beautiful. when i feel i need some strength. i actually cant tell if im doing that today or not. feels like a glimmer of something true.

thanks sara groves, for the words that fit my heart
anna, aimee, and malachi spoke deeply into my heart this weekend. [malachi, you did too. your listening speaks.]
i didnt even know it, but i desperately wanted someone to walk around kindly in the places they did. now i sit with truth that is slippery.
LIKE A LAKE -sara groves
so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it
when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake
standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are
everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake
bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake
everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open
open
oh wide open
open
like
a lake

life

im getting a gingival graft and braces fairly soon.
finally starting to feel like an adult, and will now be looking pretty awkward. yay.
:-P

a 2 month old that was born to one of the ladies at work stopped breathing the end of last week. our office had some numbness and tears. i couldnt cry for days and finally at the rosary/veiwing. i did NOT want to look at khloe.i knew she was going to look like the little precious doll she was.

i hated all the praying to mary- like we have to work with words to get a darling 2 month old into heaven! like we have to work with words to get anyone into heaven. like its up to us. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHITSHIT
the poor man doing the rosary said some fearful, uncomforting things, like God was looking at his gsrden and saw an empty spot and decided khloe could fill it well, and that shes an angel now. thats all i picked up on through my sorrow and anger- he may have said some more shit.
rosary chanting really does numb you out. good if youre tired of crying.

in other news. restored party girl description as told by russ- super beatiful and scarey.
im starting to agree with my worth, but what he said felt huge. i cant hold Jesus in this body!!! are you kidding me, God? is all that good lovely and trueness going to be able to find its place HERE? really? i can start to believe it. comfort in knowing the expansion is over my lifetime, however long that is. saying its over a life time feels long. the growing pains are going to be spread out. yes. not all at once. [that reminds me of the guy in the great divorce(i think?) whose feet were hurt by the reality of the grass of heaven]

i have not been able to be present well, in the ways id like to be lately. this is partly that i am doing things like blogging at 11:13 instead of focusing on God. im not beating myself up. Gods seriously brought before me the riches of spending time w him and i say thats nice, thanks. i'll catch you in a few.
but i did read something that made it to a mirror in my apt. mirror status is huge, and marks a growth point in my life, just so you know.
ive read this chapter alot. it usually happens to me. something is so freeken familiar and all of a sudden. im really not sure if this is the best, but im going to do it. im going to explain how my heart interpreted this.
isaiah 40:1-2
comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem[main important city in israel- main important place for me- my heart and mind], and proclaim to her that her hard service [time in jail for what i have done toward my Jesus] has been completed,that her sin has been paid for,that she has recieved from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.[this last part- im thinking. and its a wow. recieved payment? but its been paid for! how can we recieve double? a payment is a payment, right? so more than the required above that is a gift. if i paid off a credit card and then continued large payments, i would be looked on as rediculous by everyone, hands down.theres no common sense in this. but i like it. ive been living in the payment. i think im ready to start looking at the extra, the seemingly rediculous now. cuz thats mine- im just not sure what to do with it. makes me think of a financial advisor, and then that how awsome im learning how to manage my actual moneyright now, and that i need a spiritual advisor, and oh yea! i have one! - hey, its late cut me some slack.
i have to say, i like Holy.
amazing, that he can hang out with me all day by his power. the very essence of him (that is the antithesis of what ive been) is purity, and thats sitting in me day in and day out, ready to be shown to others, but only in the gentleman way that he is. not forceful. waiting for me to allow it.

ya know what i hate?
drivers who speed up and slow down next to me just to piss me off.
the fact that we mass produce so many clothes and throw so much of it away.
when i feel undervalued by my friends.
when i take my friends for granted and undervalue them.
that sex/ dating/ relationships have become so skewed and its a fight to perceive and strive for good interaction. that theres so many doubts.
bad communication
my bathrooom door not closing with the towel rack that is supposed to allow me to hang towels and close the door. i know its the door/ frame relationship. i should invest in a planing tool...:-P
my lighting situation in my living room. still not what i want. its too dark.
children yelling at each other.
that i dont love people easily.
evil and lies.
that i cant rest in knowing my friends love me.
that i cant rest in some areas knowing God loves me.

thats all i can think of right now