have been away from the ability to blog, since housesitting for the johnsons. and taking care of pj and cami.
but, it will come soon. Gods talking, and im trying my darndest to be brave and listen. theres one thing to just listen, another to agree.

im better, and the same. went to eat and watch a movie w carlos today, since last tues was his birthday,  and he isnt [or thinks he isnt] much into celebrating himself. he's jobless and a young man, living w his mom and 2 sisters. so i  knew he would understand the depressed unknowing that i have right now. it was nice to tell non girl ears. and he listened, and understood, and he shared a little of how that has been the same for him. 
he suggested going to ross, just to see if there was a shower curtain there:) his hopefulness was catching. no, i didnt find one, but it felt good for someone to enter that "silly" place with me and encourage hopefulness.

i trust God. i have no freaking idea what hes about, other than to still my heart. that seems to be the prevalence right now. i turned down going to the pool with the girls today- we are going tomorrow. they need to know that the disappointment of my no doesnt mean i dont want to be around them. i think its harder for me to say  no to people [esp! children], than for them to hear it.
today i returned something to academy...and God  prompted me to pick up my devotional book that was in the car, and read the "wrong" day. it asked me why i was still mourning? (ps. 42:9)and i took it a little as anb affront at first, then started crying as spurgeon reminded me that there is the morning, and it will come. God will not keep me here forever. it was breath, deep and rich in oxygen after being 10 feet under, looking for something in sunscreen- laden water. ...can you tell ive been at the pool alot recently?
we are going to be looking at chapter 5 in bible study sunday, and there is a section on humility, and to put it on. then it talks about resisting the devil, being sober minded and such. i cant go into it all right now, but there was several levels where God was speaking to me. he showed me the humiliation that comes from obedience to him. we cant really make our lives make sense to others when we are in obedience. because our obedience to God will most likely not look like success in the worldly sense. not all the time, anyway. and not being understood by others. it creates humiliation for me. but i cant stay there. because i must be sober minded and alert to resist the attacks. and so i take my humiliation  to God, exchange it for humbleness, and clothe myself with that so i wont be nakedly misunderstood.
 "Faint not nor fear, His arms are near,
He changeth not, and thou art dear;
Only believe and thou shalt see,
That Christ is all in all to thee."     -spurgeon

shower curtain

"maybe God meant it for a transition thing- like, a tangible,visible reminder that im just shifting. "
nope. i hate it. i dont want to put it up; im just going to  take it down. and everyone knows doing all those little grommets on a shower curtain arent fun.id be doing a liner and i showey curtain.

yep. i bought a see- thru cobra[snakeskin] print shower curtain. the outline was a khaki lime green. and then i picked up a baby blue cloth liner.
[please dont judge me. im fragile. and ive judged myself already]
i sat on my couch, ambivalent, crying, and just staring at the pile of hated shower curtain in my bathroom. ive never bought anything ive hated before. it was a weird feeling. i wondered why getting a new shower curtain suddenly became so important. i think i felt dispair that id never find the right kind of nautical wonderfulness i was looking for. i am  very picky about shower curtains. i dislike most. and of the percentage that i do like, most i wouldnt have in my own home because they dont fit me. so. i just settled.  ive settled before for other things...this just couldnt be, though. i think what made me mad, too, was that id already thrown some of the packaging away at the store and i felt it worthless to return shower curtains that came out to a whopping 14$. i guess thats alot.
that was monday...my hearts been tender, and not just there. im looking at a couple things right now.
where am i feeling strife and confusion?  thats where im not allowing God.
that feels huge because i feel like a ball of strife. inward stress and tension.
i am frustrated with the verse ---seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. --because i finally understand really that it means just to go after him, and dont worry about the rest. and ive tried that and i couldnt see the "all these things" being added. i think im sad that it seems time and soaking up of God and his word doesnt feel more exciting.
im afraid of becoming one of those people that is always sad and awkward and people dont like having them around,really, but they feel an obligation to invite them and include them. im afraid no one will tell me what they truely think of me and everyone is lying to me.
i look at me and look at people around me and wonder if i will be happy again, wonder what anyone would ever see in me. wonder why any man would pick me when there are prettier, more capable and more enticing women about.  i  was reading listening to love today at lunch and God took me down a path that showed me i really am ultimately waiting to receive my measurement of worth by who chooses me . who marries me. it will show me that i am enough pretty/ desireable, i am enough capable leader, i am enoughh excitement and enough of a helper in his ministry.
i feel disgusting and weak here.  i see all these lies. i know theyre lies. the truth just being spoken and not being felt and understood by my heart is getting old. when is God going to let it sink in, so i dont have to  be so self centered and needing my ego stroked?
so. thats the main thrust of everything. hope i'll grow, and be able to report joy soon.
oh! and all this stuff- i cant change! im not strong enough, i dont understand it, and i dont have good tools. and so im at the mercy of God. that may sound really great and christian, but im not liking it. so far, its just meant alot of crying for who the hell knows why, and alot of questions, and sitting with my hands unable to do[metaphorically]. waiting. 

i am bipolar spiritually. case in point.
last blog was happiness, in the latter sentences, about God being so good, and how i was excited that i had nothing to do after work, and it  was gonna be great[ implied greatness].
i had thoughts of reading, and catching up on some pondering, and maybe tying up some  loose ends around the house...just generally being quietly productive.
i watched a movie and over ate and felt so blah and started hating my life and deciding that i hate God sometimes.  i didnt want to numb  out and i did.
i want my life to look different and i fuss at God to change me and of course he doesnt because for some reason i need to grow. last night in the bathtub- where i hated myself because im such a lazy american slob using up hot water needlessly, and i didnt do anything of worth that day--ok, in the bathtub i thought, if i didnt know suicide was wrong, and IF I COULD BE ASSURED THAT IT WOULD WORK AND WOULDNT HURT, i would do it.  and then i was so fitfully sad and full of hatred that i 1) was a pansy, and 2) would really think of killing myself *now* after i know better, really, and in my deepest heart do love the Lord...even though last night and this morning it was like pure revulsion to admit that i did need God and liked him. im better now.. i heard again that im working to hard and trying to control things/ micromanage/ make things make sense. reading listening to love this morning was easier than picking up my bible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 http://histablefortwo.blogspot.com/2012/06/when-wave-of-hand-is-not-gods-way.html

that was just HANDED to me by a God that loves me and i dont understand him. God is so stinkin perfect. this is why i want a husband. so there will be another imperfect person close to me.

i would like to give something of my self that is tender tonight. i dont know what those words are[well, something just popped in my head!]
im sorry. i am rough and caustic and critical and i hurt you incessantly. ive beaten you with my words and facial expressions and tone. i cant stop.  and somehow i never seem to be  able to stop myself and tell you im sorry in the moment.
im upset that i make you uncomfortable when i blurt out whatevers  on my mind.
this will probably never be read by those that need to hear it the most. thank God he heals up the stuff we cant go back and fix.

on a lighter note~i have nothing to do tomorrow after work! i dont even have any errands! unreal. today i had more time after work than i usually do, and didnt have many things at all to get done, and i cried of the goodness of it.
im strikingly aware of being very tender right now, and the past couple days have been nothing but me metering out the tender, or covering it entirely.
but tonight it is cool, and work has been manageable, and it might rain:) im hopeful for more tomorrow.

i dont really have time to do this. i should be going to bed. but if i dont make time to process my heart, none of this will be seen by me and it will just slip away. i am sorrowfully frustrated and quizzical about this transition.  theres not a clear ending point.  not a certain move, not a shift in job, not a specific jump of any kind. its hard to define the physical, and therefore i have a hard time defining what is going on for me.
tim and jon are gone and somehow it just makes things different. knowing that a large chunk of my heart time with friends is going to be empty ( is emptying) is like trying to , i dunno. stay focused on a gnat 2 inches in front of me while  keeping an eye on the pitch that i think is coming tm my glove any minute.
sam is in and out this summer.  drews leaving.
kara, david, and some others are going to the czech, and i want to go. and that is not in my timeframe right now. every day as i see the kids here randomly,  or less, or more....
all the little holes in my heart are becoming one big hole. i wonder about all these things, if i am giving them enough time. am i loving my friends well? i dont feel like it. am i available enough to these kiddos? probably not.

and the girl (thats me, if you were wondering) that seemed to always know what to say, doesnt anymore. had some really specific moments at work where i had opportunity to say something timely, and literally nothing came. all i could think of were trite and cliche things . things not appropriate for real life .
there are moments when i want to inquire about someones heart more, ask if i can have more of their experience shared with me...and i cant find  the way to ask.
ive asked 2 different missionaries/ organizations about becoming a part of ending people selling. they have been superficial not now's and not us's. but they are a way in. resource. and i am super afraid.

there is so much more going on, and i hate that i dont have time to sit and talk it all out.  when do i stop listening ot the internal drive that says - go! you arent married and dont have any kids! all your problems and difficulties are nothing and you shouldnt be tired, and you have all this time to do great things for God now that nothing hold you down.its selfish to ask for a mentor, and selfish to just sit and read all day, or something. everyone else is doing  things. you should too. -

granted some of that is true. and i think i need it to shut up for a couple days.

today i was listening to u2. its in my car, one of the revolving cds. i really do love listening to a full cd at times. when its great. im hearing more of God in some of the older cds ive popped in recently. rich mullins is in there, and its awesome. u2 has surprised me. or maybe Gods surprised me.  this might be weird to some--whatever. i hear myself dialoguing with God in this song.

[G-]Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?
      Will it make it easier on you, now you got someone to blame?
[h-]You say one love, one life, when it's one need in the night.
[G-]One love, we get to share it
      Leaves you baby if you don't care for it.

[h-]Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
[G-]You act like you never had love
[h-]and you want me to go without.
      Well, it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
[G-]We're one,
[h-]but we're not the same.
[G-]We get to carry each other, carry each other... one

[G-]Have you come here for forgiveness,
       Have you come to raise the dead
      Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head
[h-]Did I ask too much, more than a lot
[G-]You gave me nothing,
[h-]now it's all I got.
[G-]We're one, but we're not the same.
[h-]Well, we hurt each other, then we do it again.

[h-]You say love is a temple, love a higher law
      Love is a temple, love the higher law.
     You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl
     And I can't be holding on to what you got, when all you got is hurt.

[G-]One love, one blood, one life, you got to do what you should.
[G&h-]One life with each other: sisters, brothers.
      One life, but we're not the same.
      We get to carry each other, carry each other.
      One, one.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kprazhF-VSY&feature=related