- layne reminded me that we usually feel deep inadequacy [sp?==oh, and when i do that, i actually want correction if its needed] when we begin to step into our deep heart's cry.

- friendships are a bother. they aske me to be all open and show myself. its so much work and theres always disappointment.

-i felt small tonight at the table. MEH
crap. ok fine. i wasnt even going to go into this, but i guess i kinda want to, otherwise i wouldnt be letting it out.
i felt really immature and it was hard for me to listen. i was listening to lies, letting them beat me up. i didnt have good responses. everyone else was so awesome in giving their thoughts. and they pick up on stuff so well!

- im really a stickler for rules.
[ i know you dont believe me, or are at least mildly confused that i would admit this. so i'll say it again]
i really like rules. and following them. and having a specific outcome happen. tonight at dinner it felt like a rule to stay light. i think it was hard for me to connect with what what being said when i hear that things are supposed to be light. there were heavy things said. how am i supposed to keep things light?
Gods moving my bowels.
that is to say, hes stirring up alot of shit and some of it, im finding, has been constipated. tonight was somehow a laxative. well, actually this whole week. this week has felt really full and fulness is a catalyst for dealing with everything in your heart.
i need to talk to people at work and the bible club helpers and let them know whats truely happening in my heart and let the chips fall where they may .
i must make time to let myself be heard.
i think thats why i enjoy this so much. i dont really end up being a bother to any of you, i dont take up your time and dont have to ask for your time. huh. and i dont have to deal with the disappointment with feeling not heard. i just get to assume that it wasnt read.

im here if you want me. shit. that sounds like a whore.

ive been told that im really vulnerable. but its actually only when it suits, when it serves me, when convenient. like right now. theres too much in me, i have to put it somewhere and hope someone reads it and knows me in it somehow. but its too inconvenientfor me to call someone and be all spastic, girly and weepy. the people i feel comfortable calling try and make it better. i dont want to encroach on anyones time. i dont like being here, but i cant seem to ever grab hold of the statements that are made by people- you can call anytime, blahblah.
people keep telling me im an adult but im not, there are so many parts that are the child, that refuse to come out of the corner, that cant believe that the fear is unfounded.

sorry if this is so emo to read. sometimes i have a hard time feeling like God is holding my tears adequately, and i just never feel like anything is solved between us. its always the same thing. why cant he just talk to me like back in the day? then we could be clear about stuff. people say relationship has a good foundation if communication is a big part. i tell God alot of this stuff. but hes a God who hides himself. how is that good clear communication, to make me draw it out of him?
and yes, i admit to not being quiet enough to listen. but how can i listen when im upset and mad and cant find his arms to rest the storm inside?
:: a little help::

where am i?

i dont know.
ive been on a bit of autopilot, just enjoying things for face value and not really reaching deep. i wonder if the less sleep factor has contributed to that. i think i'll be taking back soome sleep time soon.
skimming the surface of interactions leaves me a bit caustic. i can be rude very easily. i can be flippant and uncaring. like, seriously.
im pretty sure i got slapped in the face a couple times yesterday. proper shame happened, improper a couple more times, and just a few moments of, why dont i care about their hearts? why am i not curious anymore?

its funny. ive been in some very safe circles recently, and im afraid to offer myself. afraid to call those around me to enjoy me, or to just go deeper.
ive been selfish- lazy, tired, and well, no one is interested in really asking where im at, to take time to crack the veneer ive fooled myself with, so whatever.

and seriously, im not really sure about all this. ive just started thinking about it today. im just scratching the surface.