know when you read something and your heart leaps and tears come and you just have to stop reading and cry, and prepare yourself to finish reading Gods heart toward you?
just had that.
when i really stop to think of how he uses whatever he wants to get through to us, im in shock of the crazy.

"Don't lose hope, my lady. Remember that you rest in him, and he loves you. When you came to him, he poured out blessings upon you. He promises his continued blessing. I don't know why this paralysis has come upon you, but I do know Jesus has not abandoned you. He will never abandon you, my lady. This may even be his way of drawing you closer to him. Seek his face. Listen to him. Remember who he is, our comforter, our strength, our counselor, our healer. Ask what his will is for your life. He hasn't taken you home for a purpose. He will reveal that purpose to you. It may be that God has done this thing in order to give you a greater commission than one you might have assumed for yourself."
--hadassah, An Echo in the Darkness by francine rivers

soooo, my hope is renewed! i kept telling God, i just need help.
i just need help. i cant do this on my own.
well the apt manager gave me some options to stay in another apt while im waiting for the txment to work, and last night the maintenance guy helped me self spray. its just good to know other people understand what im going through.
[they had them too]
tomorrow night the real deal is gonna happen. and ive gotten the place REALLY ready; im super awesome at this now. if you ever need someone to clean like paranoid, im your gal.
a little boy that has only been to the kids club maybe 2 x was at my stairs today- almost looked like he was waiting for me. i dont even remember his name. but he asked when kids club was happening again, and he gave me a hello and goodbye hug.
if thats not proof i need to stay/ try to stick it out, i dont know what is.
my decisions dont make sense to the people i work with. they dont make sense to me sometimes. but i trust that God has my life and everything in it.

please be in prayer w me. i need to hear from God and have peace.
this is about bedbugs.
my parents came today and we had a really relaxing wonderful time! noah, my bro, is going to colorado for 2 mo being a leader/counselor. so he had to get fleecy stuff, long underwear, a backpack, some shoes. we spent hours in the quarry- he and my mom mostly in whole earth provision.
we came back to my place and started talking about bed bugs. my dad is coming next weekend to fix my dryer. also, at that time[ well technically before] im going to be making a decision about moving or not. this entails me talking to my apt manager/ calling my own pest control because i think the people the complex are using are worthless in this senario-world wide pest co or something. they are too busy. hence talking to my manager. pray this goes well- i dont want any of this to leave a bad taste in her mouth concerning christians or God.
i have no money for pest services too, which is a hard spot because technically since i have verifiably [sp?] had them, they are supposed to pay for the txments. so...do i go with them again and have it be free, or just drop them and have someone else thats better?
there just needs to be alot of communication and i havent been wanting to do research and communicate.
if i move,


i dont even know what to write after that. theres so many options of thoughts i can put after that comma. please pray for peace to know Gods best in all conversation and that i would weigh everything and take time to really hear whats being said and that God would speak through me and to me.

i would love my summer to look like children and friends coming over to my house and being loved on. going to romania; doing / being for others .

so far its looked like being more by myself/ alone than id like, not being able to pour into others in a way that feels so natural and easy for me.
so far its looked like staring straight into the face of something i desperately want and cant seem to grasp. 4 times [ so far as i know]
my paradigm, MO for how i live, outlook, whatever you want to call it-- is being royally screwed with.
i dont think id mind so much if i didnt feel at such a loss. i dont feel like -well, actually, im not- anywhere near cooperating the way i should.

i believe that the things i do stop what Gods hopes are for me. sin can ruin things, right?

i dont know how to get out of it. i never have.

this sounds so completely depressing and i cant say anymore and i cant delete it either.
im excited for the summer because its different and i know its changing. but if the whole fucking reason is for me to just be alone with my problems and God- to not feel like im having any outward purpose towards others- i cant handle this.

its hard for me at times to find words to what im feeling
its hard for me to slow down and listen to them
funny, for someone that wants to be known- to not give themselves enough time to hear themselves.
im tender and wanting people around.
but its not what i need.
its been hard for me to not invite people over because of the bed bug transmission possibility.
i have been spoken to strongly and clearly today by a God who loves me and wont give up.
i may tell yall about it concisely in another blog; most likely it will leak out.

im going now to find/meet with Someone whos been waiting to have my undivided attention for a WHILE.

wow. i havent been "here" in a long time. feels weird to not have more of my life documented here.
bed bugs may still be present. spraying again myself this weekend.
a couple people suggested moving and i felt that was an easy way out and an abandonment. i dont want to run from my problems . and , that being said, if we cant get this gone by the time my lease is up- oct- i think i will move.
i suggested that if maybe the problem continues, we would have to do more extensive work. theres a part of my manager that feels like shes still in denial with how serious this could be. but i cant force anything and ive been thankful where this has created a voice for me towards her.

saw my cousin stock car race saturday night----OH MY GOSH so much fun!!!! i never thought id enjoy something so inherently redneck.
it was awesome to spend time with her and it was WAYYYY too short.
the next morning we sleepily had breakfast w her boyfriend at the waffle house. i love breakfast out. thats my most favorite thing to eat out. its just so fun to be so sleepy, and its sunny, or not, but mornings are always beautiful, and you get up and out for the express purpose of eating great food and lounging while sipping coffee......its just amazing .
tomorrow one of my dear co- workers is taking me to lunch at audens kitchen and i hope to find something breakfasty. if not, some coffee will have to suffice.
maybe thats why i enjoy coffee and tea so much! its the whole morning aura of cozy morningness.
ok.
so ive been taking time to be with the Lord, and after that great breakfast time, i went to memorial mall in houston because i had nothing to do for a couple hours before going to chat w shelleys mom about the wedd.
had church in the mall. it was perfect, and desperate. reminded me why i was alive . i was struck with the fact that at the very least, God wants to LOOK at people and SMILE at people and let them know their wrong order at starbucks isnt worth the sigh and scowl at the barista that has more than their drink on her mind, and that theyre cherished by someone far more capable than me , but i'll do what i can.
i wish for rain, but i forget that the river runs deep and i just have to dig to use it.
i held a baby today and she was so comfortable. its rare that a baby will let you take her completely away from her mom, sit her in a weird chair, give her a toothbrush, and shes ok with it all!
i found out why im shy to go up to babies and ask their moms if i can hold them. it hurts.