go on and ask me anything
what do you need to know
I'm not holding on to anything
I'm not willing to let go of
to be free, to be free
I've got to ask you something
but please don't be afraid
there's a promise here thats heavier
than your answer might weigh
baby it's me, it's me
it's a sweet, sweet thing
standing here with you and nothing to hide
light shining down to our very insides
sharing our secrets, bearing our souls,
helping each other come clean
secrets and cyphers
there's no good way to hide
there's redemption in confession
and freedom in the light
I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid
better than our promises
is the day we got to keep them
I wish those two could see us now
they never would believe how
there are different kinds of happy
different kinds of happy
there are different kinds of happy
different kinds of happy
25 January 2010
a vow that was broken - then redeemed!
when i was 15 i made a vow. "vows" are lies we believe about ourselves and also God. they are a major place we tend to live out of. alot of people dont know theyve made vows, but they usually start with, :i'll never. or something like it.
so, when i was 15 i was in love with this guy. i was mature for my age, and he was 20. i was thinking, hes still in school, he can totally wait. anyway. i wasnt on his radar, and one night i realized it and was crushed.
i was pretty confused at that point why God hadnt let me see that any guys were attracted to me.
i wanted to know i was beautiful and desirable enough, which is a girls deepest question.
that wasnt getting answered for me, and i wasnt understanding the God timing thing. he seemed harsh, and very silent.
i wondered if He wanted me to be single. so far in my fifteen years, all signs pointed to that.
so out of bitterness, deep disappointment, rebelllion, some anger, and confusion, i decided i would never let my heart hurt so much like that again, and would try to be single.
ever since then, id just desperately wished that God had made me differently.
why did i have to be one of the single ones? when i wanted to be married so badly?
fast forward years, and i think it was 2 years ago, i broke my vow in my parents living room. i called the lies what they were and spoke the truth about who i am in Christ, and how he's made me. my parents agreed. [they had asked me just to pray, since they really didnt grasp the concept completely at the time!]
wooot! no more lies. God has been faithful to root out all the little remnants, and he will continue to do so in his goodness. i love my Gentleman.
because of the lies i was believing, i had made myself this loophole. if i couldnt have God and man, id just make man my god. so i idolized alot of the guys i was subsequently attracted to. [i jump on and off guy trains like crazy]
this was still happening, although i had been getting better about learning the fact that i could be completely devoted to God and have a husband.
ok, to the main point. a few days ago, He blew me away.
it had started again, where i was struggling to not idolize, and in church- and other places- he continually spoke the need for my affection to be placed on him.
and i do want this. i desire to be so completely focused on him, that our relationship is so full and it overflows to the people around me.
i hope to be a beacon and blessing.
my Gentleman held out his hand in this moment, and quietly reminded me of my grasping fear of being alone. husbandless type alone.
my dichotomous thinking hadnt worked, it was just making me crazy. i saw in a flash that i would never be able to rest if i kept worrying and focusing on my "prospects"- or lack of. my heart keeps expanding to hold more of Him, and i want more. it finally sunk in that my life really doesnt matter. my being married wont make my callings/ passions easier to deal with. i cant wait for my husband to arrive to feel like im really walking in my destiny/purpose/ whatever you want to call it. and i can rest that my God is good, and my Daddy gives good things. if there is a man out there for me, he will come along.
this is the beautiful part. parts of my old vow were coming out of my heart. and out of my mouth. they were barely recognizable. where before there was bitterness and rebellion, now there is true submission in thankfulness. theres joy. theres rest. theres no disappointment, but trust, and hope. and theres no confusion.
im reading 1 corinthians backwards. today was the day for the end of chapter 7. this is the passage that paul (?) speaks of marriage, and that its better for people to stay as they are, because the time is short.
ive always had a huge problem with this passage; it bothered me and confused me. the confusion was from not wanting to accept it and trying to find some sort of personal loophole. i read it in truth today. and it was beautiful. i do want my concern to be about the Lord and how to please him. this is where im at.
yes, im still hoping for my husband to come soon. but im definitely not standing at the end of a driveway, straining my eyes with looking.
thanks for sticking with this, jenn. i know its alot!
so, when i was 15 i was in love with this guy. i was mature for my age, and he was 20. i was thinking, hes still in school, he can totally wait. anyway. i wasnt on his radar, and one night i realized it and was crushed.
i was pretty confused at that point why God hadnt let me see that any guys were attracted to me.
i wanted to know i was beautiful and desirable enough, which is a girls deepest question.
that wasnt getting answered for me, and i wasnt understanding the God timing thing. he seemed harsh, and very silent.
i wondered if He wanted me to be single. so far in my fifteen years, all signs pointed to that.
so out of bitterness, deep disappointment, rebelllion, some anger, and confusion, i decided i would never let my heart hurt so much like that again, and would try to be single.
ever since then, id just desperately wished that God had made me differently.
why did i have to be one of the single ones? when i wanted to be married so badly?
fast forward years, and i think it was 2 years ago, i broke my vow in my parents living room. i called the lies what they were and spoke the truth about who i am in Christ, and how he's made me. my parents agreed. [they had asked me just to pray, since they really didnt grasp the concept completely at the time!]
wooot! no more lies. God has been faithful to root out all the little remnants, and he will continue to do so in his goodness. i love my Gentleman.
because of the lies i was believing, i had made myself this loophole. if i couldnt have God and man, id just make man my god. so i idolized alot of the guys i was subsequently attracted to. [i jump on and off guy trains like crazy]
this was still happening, although i had been getting better about learning the fact that i could be completely devoted to God and have a husband.
ok, to the main point. a few days ago, He blew me away.
it had started again, where i was struggling to not idolize, and in church- and other places- he continually spoke the need for my affection to be placed on him.
and i do want this. i desire to be so completely focused on him, that our relationship is so full and it overflows to the people around me.
i hope to be a beacon and blessing.
my Gentleman held out his hand in this moment, and quietly reminded me of my grasping fear of being alone. husbandless type alone.
my dichotomous thinking hadnt worked, it was just making me crazy. i saw in a flash that i would never be able to rest if i kept worrying and focusing on my "prospects"- or lack of. my heart keeps expanding to hold more of Him, and i want more. it finally sunk in that my life really doesnt matter. my being married wont make my callings/ passions easier to deal with. i cant wait for my husband to arrive to feel like im really walking in my destiny/purpose/ whatever you want to call it. and i can rest that my God is good, and my Daddy gives good things. if there is a man out there for me, he will come along.
this is the beautiful part. parts of my old vow were coming out of my heart. and out of my mouth. they were barely recognizable. where before there was bitterness and rebellion, now there is true submission in thankfulness. theres joy. theres rest. theres no disappointment, but trust, and hope. and theres no confusion.
im reading 1 corinthians backwards. today was the day for the end of chapter 7. this is the passage that paul (?) speaks of marriage, and that its better for people to stay as they are, because the time is short.
ive always had a huge problem with this passage; it bothered me and confused me. the confusion was from not wanting to accept it and trying to find some sort of personal loophole. i read it in truth today. and it was beautiful. i do want my concern to be about the Lord and how to please him. this is where im at.
yes, im still hoping for my husband to come soon. but im definitely not standing at the end of a driveway, straining my eyes with looking.
thanks for sticking with this, jenn. i know its alot!
23 January 2010
i want healthy friendships
there are some thoughts that have been in my head for a long time. i keep excusing them, because somewhere along the line i was conditioned, or just believed through some situational osmosis, that some of the things i want are silly and dont really matter.
but it keeps coming up. and its become more and more annoying. im realizing there are deeper implications to all of this.
so let me get a floodlight on the topic.
Gods been speaking to me on alot of points, but one is expectations. and having them in relationship with people. i deserve to expect certain things from people that i call my friends.
im going to ask my friends that read my blog to fulfill some expectations.
i want to clarify that you are not doing anything wrong. i enjoy the friendships that i have with each one of you and am thankful that we can stay in contact with each others' lives this way.
i am a huge word person. if you know me at all, i dont think this needs much explaination. ok, im gonna try to be brief . this is what i desire.
response. i really need to hear that i have been heard. not being heard is a very deep wound for me.
this is my hope for the friends i have. this is what im asking for.
-that i could be informed when a blog is read. i need this. you dont have to write anything. its not a paranoid thing, or anything selfish. i can spiral into dispair pretty easily when i put my heart out there, and no one "catches" it. some blogs are very superficial, and its okay if theres not an "i heard this" comment posted. but like my previous [long] post, if you read it, you walked around in some very tender places. if you read it and didnt respond, it was like you had cleats on.
this probably does sound like a reprimand. its not, though[well, maybe for tim it is! i asked you twice now if you could respond to me, dude. im forgiving you.].
but its not a reprimand to those who didnt know.
if this leaves you with questions, or makes you mad, or whatever, and you want to chat more, please lemme know. expectations are a big deal, and we should have standards. there is more to this, there are "roots" shooting off of this whole idea, what we should expect in the body of believers, etc. theres a whole conversation here, if anyone wants to have one.
-
but it keeps coming up. and its become more and more annoying. im realizing there are deeper implications to all of this.
so let me get a floodlight on the topic.
Gods been speaking to me on alot of points, but one is expectations. and having them in relationship with people. i deserve to expect certain things from people that i call my friends.
im going to ask my friends that read my blog to fulfill some expectations.
i want to clarify that you are not doing anything wrong. i enjoy the friendships that i have with each one of you and am thankful that we can stay in contact with each others' lives this way.
i am a huge word person. if you know me at all, i dont think this needs much explaination. ok, im gonna try to be brief . this is what i desire.
response. i really need to hear that i have been heard. not being heard is a very deep wound for me.
this is my hope for the friends i have. this is what im asking for.
-that i could be informed when a blog is read. i need this. you dont have to write anything. its not a paranoid thing, or anything selfish. i can spiral into dispair pretty easily when i put my heart out there, and no one "catches" it. some blogs are very superficial, and its okay if theres not an "i heard this" comment posted. but like my previous [long] post, if you read it, you walked around in some very tender places. if you read it and didnt respond, it was like you had cleats on.
this probably does sound like a reprimand. its not, though[well, maybe for tim it is! i asked you twice now if you could respond to me, dude. im forgiving you.].
but its not a reprimand to those who didnt know.
if this leaves you with questions, or makes you mad, or whatever, and you want to chat more, please lemme know. expectations are a big deal, and we should have standards. there is more to this, there are "roots" shooting off of this whole idea, what we should expect in the body of believers, etc. theres a whole conversation here, if anyone wants to have one.
-
20 January 2010
i feel full from all the blogs ive just read.
and, im stuffing in some girl scout cookies. tagalongs. mmmm.
no, no, seriously. im distinctly feeling the weight of our lives.
...........
:: and im eating cookies::
--shh! quit being distracting!
--what! im just telling them how much i enjoy peanut butter
-- but you always put in random thoughts, and then my typing is super random stream of consious that no one can follow well. it makes me tired to fight you. can you just eat your cookies and be quiet? for this blog?
--.......
--what. WHAT.
--theyre gonna think youre crazier than they already do. look at you. youre talking to yourself.
nono, FIGHTING with yourself.
-- :
hey! dont you just LOVE peanut butter and chocolate together!?
--OMGOSH yes! its- grrr. stop trying to distract me.
-- you really tend to focus on the topic at hand when you think you might win. can you pay attention to the blog im about to write, make notes, and we can debate later? hmmm???you know you want to.
-- .......
i think i can give you about 10 minutes. cant really promise anything after that.
--fine. starts now.
geeez, its almost like putting a kid to bed. and no, im not really crazy. im just full.
sometimes i have to let go of some of my imagination to stay on track, and thats pretty paradoxical because the control that it gives me doesnt look like control to other people.
my day went well. i love God. i was reminded by him that i have a huge place of ministry at my work. the people i spend all my days with- they need him. they need what i have by his grace. i thank the giver of answers- he answers all the time. and it makes him happy when we ask his heart. makes me happy too, when i find myself in his heart and not wanting anything else!
its so beautiful here and full of joy.
i asked some fears to be taken away.
im wondering, when fear is gone in me, can other people sense that? or does that just make me more comfortable, and in turn they feel more at ease?
im thinking about these things because ive been talking out of my "sloshy" at work.
sloshy cup- i just made it up. when he fills you and it spills over.
there are some people at work that God has sealed. i see it on them. they want him. theyre afraid and hurt though.
its taken me about 3 yrs to get to the place with them where theyre really starting to hear his love. God have mercy. it couldve been a shorter time. it couldve been longer. it actually might. i rest in his perfection that spites our attempts.
perfect timing is one of those mysteries im willing to never understand. i like the awe and excitement.
--(i keep expecting you to jump in. youre kinda quiet.)
--i like this story. dont stop.
so, i guess i'll give a glimpse. well, maybe its more of a blinding flash, of whats brought on this contemplation about whats going on at work. death, or potential death, or even knowing its close: it rends our hearts. i think you readers probably already knew this. we are having a rending. a lady at work that everyone loves basically is leaving to live with her son, his wife, and grandchildren in dallas and slowly die of liver disease; shes been given about 5 years, and the next step is dementia. [did i spell that correctly?] shes already admitted to some memory loss and the doctor's suggesting she stop driving as much as possible.
her grandkids are young, and theres a problem with losing your mind. you can get mean. and you can become unsafe.
shes a christian, and shes okay with dying. we talked today about how awesome it will be to see each other again. that was a neat and kinda surreal rejoicing of our spirits.
actual reality doesnt make sense in this world sometimes. im pretty baffled at our hope, actually. we knew we were talking about her death and there was hope. joy, even. it felt almost ecstatic. peaceful ecstasy.
i kinda dont know how to hold that.
---psshh! kinda?!
--ah, welcome... the death stuff too much for you?
--nooo, the minimization.
-- fine. do you think you could be quiet for longer? ive loved the focus.
--hm. i could try.
--thanks. youve been really compliant tonight, i appreciate that.
--it was the cookies.
peaceful ecstacy. its too much. i mean, did God just SERIOUSLY give me a glimpse of heaven? too much, too much.
and it makes me settle into another thought. im getting older. people may start dying on me sooner than id like. i heard this lady in a coffee shop near my apts
--ooh! that is awesome and i love! yall should totally go sometime, but it - oh, sorry.
--woah! you stopped yourself! im in awe. just for that, finish the thought. this is turning into a long blog anyway.
--:D - so they have weird hours. its like, m-f, 10 to 4. but yay! we can go on friday! which i love, we can totally wake up in the morning- i already have it planned out- go running a bit, [ well, maybe; that might have to have an hour or 2 in between] then go, relax and read a book...they have bands show up, and they have food....yay yay !
thank you, im done. and yes, i' ll give you some more "quiet time"
ok, so in the shop near my apt there was a group of ladies, midlife, and i [ thanks to the part of me yall have been officially introduced to tonight] overheard one of them mention that her mother died when she was 23 or something.
my heart dropped. i cant imagine anyone dying right now. but the probability of that drastically increases as each year passes.
it also makes me think about the flip side. i cant visiualize my parents being great-grandparents, or even just getting older than 75. i know that may sound weird, esp since my grandma is just there, but i really cant.
i want them to stay virile.
i dont want to have to take care of my parents.[ this may sound harsh, but im crying]
i dont want to see my list-making mom forget where her notepad is, or my active dad sitting on the couch dozing off to a surfing video because he cant get out there anymore.
today one of the girls whose heart keeps getting more tender to our Daddy God was crying pretty heavily about the gravity and implications of the memory loss, and the effect thats going to have on the family. i was able to be comforting and grounding for her in that moment. maybe she'll have time to hear my thoughts tomorrow. id like to do more life with her.
-- ok, can i just say i HATE how these tears have felt recently?? if theres any medical implication, please let me know. it feels like im cutting onions EVERY TIME. i cant remember the last time i cried when it felt regular! so, its been a couple months now at least. sheesh. :: could it be sinus related? but ive had sinus trouble my whole life, and this hasnt been common::
omg. what if its like asbestos in the air in my new old apt? o.O
there could be particles from all the holes ive made to hang stuff on the walls...
friends, i think im done. theres some other things i was going to write about, but they seem inconsequential right now. and since my silly half has actually stayed on topic, and doesnt have anything burning on her fingertips to write, i will leave at that.
im in a good place. i think the tagalongs are wearing off and its time for bed anyway.
and, im stuffing in some girl scout cookies. tagalongs. mmmm.
no, no, seriously. im distinctly feeling the weight of our lives.
...........
:: and im eating cookies::
--shh! quit being distracting!
--what! im just telling them how much i enjoy peanut butter
-- but you always put in random thoughts, and then my typing is super random stream of consious that no one can follow well. it makes me tired to fight you. can you just eat your cookies and be quiet? for this blog?
--.......
--what. WHAT.
--theyre gonna think youre crazier than they already do. look at you. youre talking to yourself.
nono, FIGHTING with yourself.
-- :
hey! dont you just LOVE peanut butter and chocolate together!?
--OMGOSH yes! its- grrr. stop trying to distract me.
-- you really tend to focus on the topic at hand when you think you might win. can you pay attention to the blog im about to write, make notes, and we can debate later? hmmm???you know you want to.
-- .......
i think i can give you about 10 minutes. cant really promise anything after that.
--fine. starts now.
geeez, its almost like putting a kid to bed. and no, im not really crazy. im just full.
sometimes i have to let go of some of my imagination to stay on track, and thats pretty paradoxical because the control that it gives me doesnt look like control to other people.
my day went well. i love God. i was reminded by him that i have a huge place of ministry at my work. the people i spend all my days with- they need him. they need what i have by his grace. i thank the giver of answers- he answers all the time. and it makes him happy when we ask his heart. makes me happy too, when i find myself in his heart and not wanting anything else!
its so beautiful here and full of joy.
i asked some fears to be taken away.
im wondering, when fear is gone in me, can other people sense that? or does that just make me more comfortable, and in turn they feel more at ease?
im thinking about these things because ive been talking out of my "sloshy" at work.
sloshy cup- i just made it up. when he fills you and it spills over.
there are some people at work that God has sealed. i see it on them. they want him. theyre afraid and hurt though.
its taken me about 3 yrs to get to the place with them where theyre really starting to hear his love. God have mercy. it couldve been a shorter time. it couldve been longer. it actually might. i rest in his perfection that spites our attempts.
perfect timing is one of those mysteries im willing to never understand. i like the awe and excitement.
--(i keep expecting you to jump in. youre kinda quiet.)
--i like this story. dont stop.
so, i guess i'll give a glimpse. well, maybe its more of a blinding flash, of whats brought on this contemplation about whats going on at work. death, or potential death, or even knowing its close: it rends our hearts. i think you readers probably already knew this. we are having a rending. a lady at work that everyone loves basically is leaving to live with her son, his wife, and grandchildren in dallas and slowly die of liver disease; shes been given about 5 years, and the next step is dementia. [did i spell that correctly?] shes already admitted to some memory loss and the doctor's suggesting she stop driving as much as possible.
her grandkids are young, and theres a problem with losing your mind. you can get mean. and you can become unsafe.
shes a christian, and shes okay with dying. we talked today about how awesome it will be to see each other again. that was a neat and kinda surreal rejoicing of our spirits.
actual reality doesnt make sense in this world sometimes. im pretty baffled at our hope, actually. we knew we were talking about her death and there was hope. joy, even. it felt almost ecstatic. peaceful ecstasy.
i kinda dont know how to hold that.
---psshh! kinda?!
--ah, welcome... the death stuff too much for you?
--nooo, the minimization.
-- fine. do you think you could be quiet for longer? ive loved the focus.
--hm. i could try.
--thanks. youve been really compliant tonight, i appreciate that.
--it was the cookies.
peaceful ecstacy. its too much. i mean, did God just SERIOUSLY give me a glimpse of heaven? too much, too much.
and it makes me settle into another thought. im getting older. people may start dying on me sooner than id like. i heard this lady in a coffee shop near my apts
--ooh! that is awesome and i love! yall should totally go sometime, but it - oh, sorry.
--woah! you stopped yourself! im in awe. just for that, finish the thought. this is turning into a long blog anyway.
--:D - so they have weird hours. its like, m-f, 10 to 4. but yay! we can go on friday! which i love, we can totally wake up in the morning- i already have it planned out- go running a bit, [ well, maybe; that might have to have an hour or 2 in between] then go, relax and read a book...they have bands show up, and they have food....yay yay !
thank you, im done. and yes, i' ll give you some more "quiet time"
ok, so in the shop near my apt there was a group of ladies, midlife, and i [ thanks to the part of me yall have been officially introduced to tonight] overheard one of them mention that her mother died when she was 23 or something.
my heart dropped. i cant imagine anyone dying right now. but the probability of that drastically increases as each year passes.
it also makes me think about the flip side. i cant visiualize my parents being great-grandparents, or even just getting older than 75. i know that may sound weird, esp since my grandma is just there, but i really cant.
i want them to stay virile.
i dont want to have to take care of my parents.[ this may sound harsh, but im crying]
i dont want to see my list-making mom forget where her notepad is, or my active dad sitting on the couch dozing off to a surfing video because he cant get out there anymore.
today one of the girls whose heart keeps getting more tender to our Daddy God was crying pretty heavily about the gravity and implications of the memory loss, and the effect thats going to have on the family. i was able to be comforting and grounding for her in that moment. maybe she'll have time to hear my thoughts tomorrow. id like to do more life with her.
-- ok, can i just say i HATE how these tears have felt recently?? if theres any medical implication, please let me know. it feels like im cutting onions EVERY TIME. i cant remember the last time i cried when it felt regular! so, its been a couple months now at least. sheesh. :: could it be sinus related? but ive had sinus trouble my whole life, and this hasnt been common::
omg. what if its like asbestos in the air in my new old apt? o.O
there could be particles from all the holes ive made to hang stuff on the walls...
friends, i think im done. theres some other things i was going to write about, but they seem inconsequential right now. and since my silly half has actually stayed on topic, and doesnt have anything burning on her fingertips to write, i will leave at that.
im in a good place. i think the tagalongs are wearing off and its time for bed anyway.
13 January 2010
today
i dislike going to work earlier than normal, because every time i do, everything seems to go crazified.
this morning i saw 10 patients, which is pretty normal, another hygienist saw 8, still normal- and the third saw 3. THREE . in a 7-11:30 time frame.
i dont normally count or care, but when theres a family of 4, and i do 2, and the assistant tells me k is seeing one, and will come see another, and then never even shows her face- i dunno. kinda gets me mad. there was an inordinate amount of screaming today too.
thank you JesusGodHolySpiritFather for imparting love for the children and families to me. otherwise i mightve started-
i dont know.
there was a kid today that was so flipped out he couldnt even focus on what we were saying long enough to understand that i had a regular little toothbrush in my hand. he didnt even want to watch me use this little brush on my finger to show him that it was soft.
kids get into a crazy freaked out place in their head sometimes and you just cant reach them. its fine, i can work around it, but its weird and i wish i could follow them in their head. speak in their language. theres another kid that was understanding and listening, but mom thinks hes on the spectrum, because he cries at any change at all. she says the wind will blow too hard in the opposite way all the sudden and he starts crying. it was pretty intense. he watched me play with some of the instruments, and i thought that was going great, but mom was all like, im sorry! i was telling her it was fine, and i want him to get used to things more, and find a routine for himself. she was so worn out anyway- super pregnant and helping me hold him still... he had pushed pretty hard on his future recipient of torture. that kids gonna be prepared for anything.
i wanted to tell her she was amazing and what gifting God had given her. i knew she would not take it as a compliment. i bet she doesnt see her extreme patience through this firing as a beautful thing. she didnt seem like she has that outlook. could i have shed some light on the truth? shoot. prrobably. and i didnt.
mostly i felt at a loss to give her any shred of encouragement about her son- wait. never mind.. she wasnt hearing it. she wasnt in a place to be able to converse with me. i think she was so tired and maybe ashamed about her son, that she hasnt been able to figure him out, hasnt been able to find ways to make things "work"
- thats what made me feel at such a loss.
then there was the family at the end. the oldest needs crowns on permanent teeth!!!! which kills us because the family has just been lax in getting treatment done. and theres 5 kids. only one doesnt need treatment. the littlest one is maybe 4 and he has the worst teeth- it killed me to brush his teeth. you take plaque away from covering teeth that decayed, and it opens them up to more sensitivity. poor little guy doesnt know what its like to not have pain, and the sad part is, he doesnt even know hes in pain. little kids dont know any different. he was so helpful with all we wanted to do today, and he was so DONE at the end. did not want to let someone else look at his teeth again, didnt want to lay down again. my heart understood him, cuz i was done too.
its not a good idea to put notes in peoples charts when youre tired. [dan, try to finish your notes in the moment. going back later is bad] mostly you just want to go away and youll shorten sentences and it starts not making sense, and/or youll start spilling your bad attitude into the notes and have these tourettes urges to say horrible things about the patient, family, and your coworkers.
i had to ask God on the way home to just stop my negativity in its tracks. it was on a banshee track to - i dont know where. somewhere bad and unproductive and full of tense muscles and acid reflux.
while i was waiting for my baked potato tonight i hung more stuff- my room looks a bit more cozy now. i just have 3 or 4 more small things to hang, and then i can focus on some organization, and the next thing you know, ill be having people over again. a housewarming party will be in the works soon. and it will literally get warm in here if more than 5 people come!
this morning i saw 10 patients, which is pretty normal, another hygienist saw 8, still normal- and the third saw 3. THREE . in a 7-11:30 time frame.
i dont normally count or care, but when theres a family of 4, and i do 2, and the assistant tells me k is seeing one, and will come see another, and then never even shows her face- i dunno. kinda gets me mad. there was an inordinate amount of screaming today too.
thank you JesusGodHolySpiritFather for imparting love for the children and families to me. otherwise i mightve started-
i dont know.
there was a kid today that was so flipped out he couldnt even focus on what we were saying long enough to understand that i had a regular little toothbrush in my hand. he didnt even want to watch me use this little brush on my finger to show him that it was soft.
kids get into a crazy freaked out place in their head sometimes and you just cant reach them. its fine, i can work around it, but its weird and i wish i could follow them in their head. speak in their language. theres another kid that was understanding and listening, but mom thinks hes on the spectrum, because he cries at any change at all. she says the wind will blow too hard in the opposite way all the sudden and he starts crying. it was pretty intense. he watched me play with some of the instruments, and i thought that was going great, but mom was all like, im sorry! i was telling her it was fine, and i want him to get used to things more, and find a routine for himself. she was so worn out anyway- super pregnant and helping me hold him still... he had pushed pretty hard on his future recipient of torture. that kids gonna be prepared for anything.
i wanted to tell her she was amazing and what gifting God had given her. i knew she would not take it as a compliment. i bet she doesnt see her extreme patience through this firing as a beautful thing. she didnt seem like she has that outlook. could i have shed some light on the truth? shoot. prrobably. and i didnt.
mostly i felt at a loss to give her any shred of encouragement about her son- wait. never mind.. she wasnt hearing it. she wasnt in a place to be able to converse with me. i think she was so tired and maybe ashamed about her son, that she hasnt been able to figure him out, hasnt been able to find ways to make things "work"
- thats what made me feel at such a loss.
then there was the family at the end. the oldest needs crowns on permanent teeth!!!! which kills us because the family has just been lax in getting treatment done. and theres 5 kids. only one doesnt need treatment. the littlest one is maybe 4 and he has the worst teeth- it killed me to brush his teeth. you take plaque away from covering teeth that decayed, and it opens them up to more sensitivity. poor little guy doesnt know what its like to not have pain, and the sad part is, he doesnt even know hes in pain. little kids dont know any different. he was so helpful with all we wanted to do today, and he was so DONE at the end. did not want to let someone else look at his teeth again, didnt want to lay down again. my heart understood him, cuz i was done too.
its not a good idea to put notes in peoples charts when youre tired. [dan, try to finish your notes in the moment. going back later is bad] mostly you just want to go away and youll shorten sentences and it starts not making sense, and/or youll start spilling your bad attitude into the notes and have these tourettes urges to say horrible things about the patient, family, and your coworkers.
i had to ask God on the way home to just stop my negativity in its tracks. it was on a banshee track to - i dont know where. somewhere bad and unproductive and full of tense muscles and acid reflux.
while i was waiting for my baked potato tonight i hung more stuff- my room looks a bit more cozy now. i just have 3 or 4 more small things to hang, and then i can focus on some organization, and the next thing you know, ill be having people over again. a housewarming party will be in the works soon. and it will literally get warm in here if more than 5 people come!
10 January 2010
yay! its still farily early, considering i went to bed later this weekend.
i had a LOVELY time with my most favorite friend- that- gets- mistaken- for - a- sister, shelles.
it was such a blessing to stay in her parents house this weekend and relax.
had great tea, good convo, some digging [thanks, g and s], and mostly rest.
im even thankful for the sinus crud that happened after the bits of soul unearthing. it helped me just to sit in my newfound gems and rocks.
i'll stop being so vague.
i kinda started complaining about someone i end up taking care of, g showed me theres actually alot more manipulation there than i thought, she encouraged me to stop being responsible and showed me a link to my grandma that had slipped out of my mouth. so im wondering what being a really, truely loving friend would look like, and how in the HECK to be a true, loving, and safe granddaughter, when i cant clearly see the barbs of the manipulation.
im scared to "cut off" or confront and name manipul;ation. people usually dont take kindly to being told theyre manipulating. they usually end up manipulating after being told, so as to prove they didnt manipulate. i know, i used to do it alot more than i do now.
having thoughts about me allowing unhealthy things around me, made me realize how many people manipulate so easily. i can think of (in my girlfriend circles) maybe 2 or 3 friends that dont use manipulation on me on a regular basis. guy friends do it less, if ever, thank God.
im blown away.
how timely for this to come up right before grace group starts. this is the beginning of me asking for one on one time to unpack things on a regular basis. im going to take care of myself mo betta, gosh dang it!
something else that was brought to the surface. i like to stuff down the important aspects of it really, and complain on all the ditzy girl levels. s brought up a number of times what she needs in her husband.
she knows what she needs, and shes starting to look for it. and she'll [kindly, of course ] shut down offers of boys in search of her man. i know somewhat of what i think i need. mostly because i think i dont understand parts of myself,and what those parts need in compliment. which is okay.
she didnt have it all figured out, but she had like, 3 major points.
i agreed with them strongly. but can they really be mine? or are they just really great points?
i have a feeling my "top 3" would be slightly different, even just in the placement or wording.
and all this took me to my horrible penchant of expecting men to be perfect, and creating some god- man that doesnt exist.
i keep knifin' that thing in the heart, men of the universe(that includes yall, gorgeous man friends)- some day it will die, and i will love all of you for who you are and not who i imagine you to be.
hm. just had a thought. i should give that knife to God. dont really enjoy that concept...whats truth really look like in all of that? ive only had my make believe so far...
i had a LOVELY time with my most favorite friend- that- gets- mistaken- for - a- sister, shelles.
it was such a blessing to stay in her parents house this weekend and relax.
had great tea, good convo, some digging [thanks, g and s], and mostly rest.
im even thankful for the sinus crud that happened after the bits of soul unearthing. it helped me just to sit in my newfound gems and rocks.
i'll stop being so vague.
i kinda started complaining about someone i end up taking care of, g showed me theres actually alot more manipulation there than i thought, she encouraged me to stop being responsible and showed me a link to my grandma that had slipped out of my mouth. so im wondering what being a really, truely loving friend would look like, and how in the HECK to be a true, loving, and safe granddaughter, when i cant clearly see the barbs of the manipulation.
im scared to "cut off" or confront and name manipul;ation. people usually dont take kindly to being told theyre manipulating. they usually end up manipulating after being told, so as to prove they didnt manipulate. i know, i used to do it alot more than i do now.
having thoughts about me allowing unhealthy things around me, made me realize how many people manipulate so easily. i can think of (in my girlfriend circles) maybe 2 or 3 friends that dont use manipulation on me on a regular basis. guy friends do it less, if ever, thank God.
im blown away.
how timely for this to come up right before grace group starts. this is the beginning of me asking for one on one time to unpack things on a regular basis. im going to take care of myself mo betta, gosh dang it!
something else that was brought to the surface. i like to stuff down the important aspects of it really, and complain on all the ditzy girl levels. s brought up a number of times what she needs in her husband.
she knows what she needs, and shes starting to look for it. and she'll [kindly, of course ] shut down offers of boys in search of her man. i know somewhat of what i think i need. mostly because i think i dont understand parts of myself,and what those parts need in compliment. which is okay.
she didnt have it all figured out, but she had like, 3 major points.
i agreed with them strongly. but can they really be mine? or are they just really great points?
i have a feeling my "top 3" would be slightly different, even just in the placement or wording.
and all this took me to my horrible penchant of expecting men to be perfect, and creating some god- man that doesnt exist.
i keep knifin' that thing in the heart, men of the universe(that includes yall, gorgeous man friends)- some day it will die, and i will love all of you for who you are and not who i imagine you to be.
hm. just had a thought. i should give that knife to God. dont really enjoy that concept...whats truth really look like in all of that? ive only had my make believe so far...
07 January 2010
i feel so solid and calm in my being right now. ive felt this for a long time- long to me, like a week. but tonight. really solid. i loved people well today, all through the day. [in measurement of how i typically love, or dont love]
there arent any problems right now. ive got alot of my stuff in order, theres no pending crazyness, and ive been kind to myself and let me off the hook for a couple different things, even just today.
i think letting who God says i am really sink into my gut on a few points has "peaced" me.
having my apt and all it holds on my timeline[ i.e., the dishes are done to my specifications and when i want them done, things stay where i put them] really is a calming point for me. guess its the mom in me.
its nice to sit in these moments., who knows if ill be here for long.
its amazing, at these places of my psyche/heart/cycle, i could be single forever. its fine, i love it, i have freedoms to be really readily available to anyone (such as, you could call me right now).
i love this place of centeredness.
there arent any problems right now. ive got alot of my stuff in order, theres no pending crazyness, and ive been kind to myself and let me off the hook for a couple different things, even just today.
i think letting who God says i am really sink into my gut on a few points has "peaced" me.
having my apt and all it holds on my timeline[ i.e., the dishes are done to my specifications and when i want them done, things stay where i put them] really is a calming point for me. guess its the mom in me.
its nice to sit in these moments., who knows if ill be here for long.
its amazing, at these places of my psyche/heart/cycle, i could be single forever. its fine, i love it, i have freedoms to be really readily available to anyone (such as, you could call me right now).
i love this place of centeredness.
02 January 2010
Impossible Joy
these are two words God has given for the new year, and they fit together quite nicely- yay!
reclaiming joy is an interesting thing, at least for me. i didnt know i had lost it.
and the church im going to more now spoke impossible over the new year. and i took it. shoot, i wanna have my eyes more open to all the impossible stuff God does that i dont see, but i also am asking for more from him. not necessarily directly to me. although i wouldnt deny it at all!
marriage some- no. thats not a true statement. the truth is, starting a relationship seems impossible sometimes. there are other things that feel impossible, like taking aart classes and being super impactful/ getting to know the kids in my complex, and feeling like an adult.
im serious.
having my buget work out feels sketchy too.[forgot that one] anyway. enough about me. id like to rejoice with others in the impossible things that come about directly related to them- i love rejoicing with people. i like crying with them too. hm. havent had much of that lately. but, seasons. its all good.
im super comfy at my new apt. i love it. and i can sleep just as well with the noise here, as i did at the old place and no noise, so whateva and boo ya, loud people. i actually enjoy praying over you when youre angry/ crying, and happy for you when theres laughter.
funny though, my parents didnt seem to comfy. maybe cuz there was a bunch of boxes and messiness. and my dad apparently wasnt too into the red walls. maybe its too much for certain guys? well, in his defense there was nothing on the walls. it mightve been a bit much visually, with no breaks. my family is pretty visual. we're all awesome artsy. i digress.
or do i? i thought i was going to go back to a specific point, but none came. hm. lets see....joy, kinda talked about that- oh, well, in relation to that[ it is related for me, even if it doesnt seem so] ive been doing a study. its called In My Father's House. specifically looks at a girls relationship to her (f)Fathers. its really good. going through grace group, i kinda knew some of the things she was saying, but its worded differently and looking at shifting the father paradigm into a perfect place, where its supposed to be when dealing with Daddy. i keep being reminded. i expect things from people they cant give. men especially. in this instance, my father. i should have expected perfection [what was perfection in my mind as a little girl] from him. but now, being older, and expecting perfection- what am i setting him up for?!? complete failure in my eyes. yes, there are things that i should require from him. but the rest- this is what im talking about. why do i expect him, when he comes christmas eve, to help me do man-put-together- things? when i didnt even ask him, or mention it? and then i mention casually what id like done, and am disappointed when he doesnt pick up on it. whatever heather.
so Gentle Healer reaches in and touches that. ow. okay. keep talking and touching, so that i can listen and feel.
somehow, this "revelation" is going to expand into my friendships, guy and girl, and every day interactions. i just know it. and its scarey. because then conversations will be had.
thats all i got. im gonna have some hot chocolate and cookies now.
reclaiming joy is an interesting thing, at least for me. i didnt know i had lost it.
and the church im going to more now spoke impossible over the new year. and i took it. shoot, i wanna have my eyes more open to all the impossible stuff God does that i dont see, but i also am asking for more from him. not necessarily directly to me. although i wouldnt deny it at all!
marriage some- no. thats not a true statement. the truth is, starting a relationship seems impossible sometimes. there are other things that feel impossible, like taking aart classes and being super impactful/ getting to know the kids in my complex, and feeling like an adult.
im serious.
having my buget work out feels sketchy too.[forgot that one] anyway. enough about me. id like to rejoice with others in the impossible things that come about directly related to them- i love rejoicing with people. i like crying with them too. hm. havent had much of that lately. but, seasons. its all good.
im super comfy at my new apt. i love it. and i can sleep just as well with the noise here, as i did at the old place and no noise, so whateva and boo ya, loud people. i actually enjoy praying over you when youre angry/ crying, and happy for you when theres laughter.
funny though, my parents didnt seem to comfy. maybe cuz there was a bunch of boxes and messiness. and my dad apparently wasnt too into the red walls. maybe its too much for certain guys? well, in his defense there was nothing on the walls. it mightve been a bit much visually, with no breaks. my family is pretty visual. we're all awesome artsy. i digress.
or do i? i thought i was going to go back to a specific point, but none came. hm. lets see....joy, kinda talked about that- oh, well, in relation to that[ it is related for me, even if it doesnt seem so] ive been doing a study. its called In My Father's House. specifically looks at a girls relationship to her (f)Fathers. its really good. going through grace group, i kinda knew some of the things she was saying, but its worded differently and looking at shifting the father paradigm into a perfect place, where its supposed to be when dealing with Daddy. i keep being reminded. i expect things from people they cant give. men especially. in this instance, my father. i should have expected perfection [what was perfection in my mind as a little girl] from him. but now, being older, and expecting perfection- what am i setting him up for?!? complete failure in my eyes. yes, there are things that i should require from him. but the rest- this is what im talking about. why do i expect him, when he comes christmas eve, to help me do man-put-together- things? when i didnt even ask him, or mention it? and then i mention casually what id like done, and am disappointed when he doesnt pick up on it. whatever heather.
so Gentle Healer reaches in and touches that. ow. okay. keep talking and touching, so that i can listen and feel.
somehow, this "revelation" is going to expand into my friendships, guy and girl, and every day interactions. i just know it. and its scarey. because then conversations will be had.
thats all i got. im gonna have some hot chocolate and cookies now.
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