i just finished reading this awesome book.
slightly crazed 20-something that wants more purpose is a person that could be my best friend. glad i didnt see the movie first.
im really left wanting to cook! i always want to cook, but now i REALLY want to. and i have this little cookbook that is VERY far from being an intimidating french cookbook asking me to cook brains, and scoop out marrow.
its called Lights Out. 60 sensational recipes for late night bites.
makes you think, oh, theyre gonna be easy fun things when you get that weird strong hunger for something.
do you always have fresh basil and clear honey? what is clear honey, anyway?!?
and no one has mascarpone cheese and arugula lying around.
so im thinking this book of sixty fairly short recipes is good enough for me to start. theyre small amounts too, so some of them can be main dinner type stuff for one person. im excited a bit.
[cant you tell? :P]
some of them are just desserts and drinks. we'll have to figure something out. hm.
im thinking movie nights. maybe. we'll see.
i wasnt feeling great at all yesterday and today i stayed home from church. when i stay away for a ligit reason, like not wanting to spread disease, i feel weird. when i just flat out decide not to go, i could care less.
today im feeling better, but slow. i want to go buy some ingredients, but feeling slow isnt the best way to feel when youre cooking.
i have another project, anyway. scrapbooking. and not what your thinking. all that scrapbooky stuff makes me throw up in my mouth. sorry those who love it. it looks good on you- not me. i keep papery things, like cards that meant alot to me. these i will attempt to fix into a book. i dont think i have enough paper to do it all today, but im hoping to make a significant dent.
i will be going crazy by 3, so feel free to call me :) you might have an interesting conversation.
29 August 2010
27 August 2010
today
after this time of having my laptop not be mobile around my apt, i know for sure in a month or two im going to demand whatever is needed to get this poor flimsy thing off its leash. im making do lately by sitting on the floor and propping it on my couch. makeshift desk.
i was typing floor, and my hands automatically typed floss. guess how many times i type that a day!
i actually dont know myself. maybe i'll count this next week and get an estimate.
ok, back to the subject of my title.
i woke up to kitties wanting to be fed and let out on the porch 10 min earlier than their scheduled time. grrr. i had set my alarm for an hour later and when that went off, i was going to just go back to bed for another hour, but there was a mewling kitty somewhere and it sounded stuck. i went outside and looked around but couldnt find anyone.
it stopped later. since i was already awake and FEELING awake, i stayed up. cleaned the floors[did it again=floss. geez], went to lowes, sun harvest, and got gas all in about an hour. walked to a cafe to get some coffee[and some quarters], started laundry and talked to the manager about this apt.
it is now 10:30.
im awesome. i wasnt even rushing through all my to-dos.
so. the apt wont be ready until a month...or maybe 2. like i said before, im disappointed, but its getting better. im pretty sure i was getting all hyped up about what new things i was going to do in the bigger apt, and feeling all intense about how the new decorating was gonna come out. thats where all my upset has been. crazy huh. boys dont have this problem. some girls dont have this problem.
one of my co-workers/ managers voiced her relief that i wasnt in there yet when the fire happened. i actually wouldnt have minded so much. maybe it wouldve destroyed some things for me, so i dont have to agonize over getting rid of them .
see, i think i have alot of stuff. i like to keep objects for memories. since i have a not so great one.
these past few days though, ive been super awesome with putting things in give away piles- trinkets, books, even dishes. i wont be able to part with any of my pictures/ wall hangings, i dont think. i love them too much.
but, what i have done gives me alot of joy. we need so much less than we have .
i loved walking to the cafe and chatting with the cashier while he got me my kolache and coffee. its not as close as other cafe, but the prices are better and they have less weird hours.
today i need to work on the bible club lesson. ive been putting it off cuz i basically cant just wing this one. im actually teaching it again, because there was onlyy one boy last time and i said some things- pointed out to me later- that werent sound. thank God for do- overs. he knew.
and these last couple days when i was in tumult , he knew. i kept reminding myself of that. and he spoke to me through oswald. that days devo was about disturbed and receiving peace. heh.
i was typing floor, and my hands automatically typed floss. guess how many times i type that a day!
i actually dont know myself. maybe i'll count this next week and get an estimate.
ok, back to the subject of my title.
i woke up to kitties wanting to be fed and let out on the porch 10 min earlier than their scheduled time. grrr. i had set my alarm for an hour later and when that went off, i was going to just go back to bed for another hour, but there was a mewling kitty somewhere and it sounded stuck. i went outside and looked around but couldnt find anyone.
it stopped later. since i was already awake and FEELING awake, i stayed up. cleaned the floors[did it again=floss. geez], went to lowes, sun harvest, and got gas all in about an hour. walked to a cafe to get some coffee[and some quarters], started laundry and talked to the manager about this apt.
it is now 10:30.
im awesome. i wasnt even rushing through all my to-dos.
so. the apt wont be ready until a month...or maybe 2. like i said before, im disappointed, but its getting better. im pretty sure i was getting all hyped up about what new things i was going to do in the bigger apt, and feeling all intense about how the new decorating was gonna come out. thats where all my upset has been. crazy huh. boys dont have this problem. some girls dont have this problem.
one of my co-workers/ managers voiced her relief that i wasnt in there yet when the fire happened. i actually wouldnt have minded so much. maybe it wouldve destroyed some things for me, so i dont have to agonize over getting rid of them .
see, i think i have alot of stuff. i like to keep objects for memories. since i have a not so great one.
these past few days though, ive been super awesome with putting things in give away piles- trinkets, books, even dishes. i wont be able to part with any of my pictures/ wall hangings, i dont think. i love them too much.
but, what i have done gives me alot of joy. we need so much less than we have .
i loved walking to the cafe and chatting with the cashier while he got me my kolache and coffee. its not as close as other cafe, but the prices are better and they have less weird hours.
today i need to work on the bible club lesson. ive been putting it off cuz i basically cant just wing this one. im actually teaching it again, because there was onlyy one boy last time and i said some things- pointed out to me later- that werent sound. thank God for do- overs. he knew.
and these last couple days when i was in tumult , he knew. i kept reminding myself of that. and he spoke to me through oswald. that days devo was about disturbed and receiving peace. heh.
25 August 2010
i had said yes to moving. and then i get a call after a HARD day at work saying the apt got burnt up- yes, fire- and it will be next month. gah. i havent talked w her yet about details.
i only know im sad. i was somehow getting attached to this new place i havent even seen.
not to mention all the stuff [that was] on mmy walls is off, taking up floor space and there are 2 boxes full of stuff on the floor in the living room and 1 box in the kitchen. and now i still have to upkeep clean for 4 more weeks.
real cleaning is so satisfying because its real, deep, and then its done. a finished work. [not all this freekin upkeep. ] thats what i do only when im moving out or in.
and there was potentially going to be only one more week of community dryer. my dad is going to bring a dryer for me.
and i was getting excited about re decorating. downsizing too. im constantly trying to get rid of things. i did think that this month, since i'll be antsy and slightly undone, i'll more readily be rid of things, so maybe i'll let go easily of some of the knick knacks.
today at work was bad. i cant describe it really, its hard to talk about all that is held in a day for us at SOPD. but i feel overworked. thats been building for months.
work effects my attitude toward spending time w God. im so weary worn out blah and then i should be reading about who cut down what asherah pole? he gently reminded me that his word is deep power love and the Spirit resides there, and "come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and i will give you rest. "
guess im not sure how to come to him when hes talking about what articles were stolen from the temple.
and i bet youre like, ew, she just needs to go to a diff place in the bible right now!
i hate skipping around. it makes me read less and less. and i feel disjointed when im doing that, almost like im being a flake! weird huh.
and im being a flake right now by arguing w him about not wanting to read. i shall readest of mine holy scripture presently.
i only know im sad. i was somehow getting attached to this new place i havent even seen.
not to mention all the stuff [that was] on mmy walls is off, taking up floor space and there are 2 boxes full of stuff on the floor in the living room and 1 box in the kitchen. and now i still have to upkeep clean for 4 more weeks.
real cleaning is so satisfying because its real, deep, and then its done. a finished work. [not all this freekin upkeep. ] thats what i do only when im moving out or in.
and there was potentially going to be only one more week of community dryer. my dad is going to bring a dryer for me.
and i was getting excited about re decorating. downsizing too. im constantly trying to get rid of things. i did think that this month, since i'll be antsy and slightly undone, i'll more readily be rid of things, so maybe i'll let go easily of some of the knick knacks.
today at work was bad. i cant describe it really, its hard to talk about all that is held in a day for us at SOPD. but i feel overworked. thats been building for months.
work effects my attitude toward spending time w God. im so weary worn out blah and then i should be reading about who cut down what asherah pole? he gently reminded me that his word is deep power love and the Spirit resides there, and "come to me all you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and i will give you rest. "
guess im not sure how to come to him when hes talking about what articles were stolen from the temple.
and i bet youre like, ew, she just needs to go to a diff place in the bible right now!
i hate skipping around. it makes me read less and less. and i feel disjointed when im doing that, almost like im being a flake! weird huh.
and im being a flake right now by arguing w him about not wanting to read. i shall readest of mine holy scripture presently.
22 August 2010
hi
i read my last post to remember where id been. funny, God spoke to me this morning about leadership. the true aspects of leadership, i love. i do them easily and they are where i long to display more life. i just dont like calling it leadership because that word has felt negative.
pastor roger said something. and this is slightly verbatim i think. actually, maybe its just plagerism. hehhe. slightly verbatim= plagerism!
leadership is service and giving.
a leader isnt given people for the leaders benefit, but the people are given the leader for their benefit.
this may seem like a "duh" thing to you, it is to me. yet i never let myself see it.
i have in the past- recent past too- looked at the people that i knew were specifically given to me for me to lead, as people that were supposed to fulfill me, and give me something worthwhile out of our time. this is mostly including the children i have worked with. im a bit afraid as of right now to see what my thoughts have been regarding my friends and people i have mentored.
and really afraid to let yall in there. you can probably guess. and if you feel youve been a recipient of ugly leading, you probably have. im sorry.
i dont want to be her anymore.
:: beginning to embrace the word::
i might be moving into another apt in the same complex. if you want to know the full story, you can, its kinda boring. theres a fun "casting lots" part. but long story short this place might be significantly bigger in the living area, to where more kids could come comfortably, and it would be given to me for the same price as this one because the apt manager angela is awesome.
i dont want the hassle of taking down all my beautiful decorating and nesting that i finally got satisfactory, and having to change my address for all the businesses and such, just for an apt number. and i just recently realized i had the wrong address still on my insurance! my premium had just gone down, but changing addressesmade it go up again. location.
im finding the place of really giving myself over to the One that i can completely trust with everything- my very life- and even though this might be a hassle, hes made my heart open to the move. i really hope that living room is huge. at least set up differently for more accomodation. it will make the decision hard if its just by a little bit. even though im certain that God has told me to move, i can make a different decision.
ugh. re reading that feels horrible. i choose quite frequently what i feel is best. this event doesnt make sense and im having a hard time with knowing this will be a beneficial move.
i hear all the time and say all the time that Gods ways are not ours.
but i really and truely dont like it.
ok, this is me keeping the reading in a manageable length!
till a little later.
pastor roger said something. and this is slightly verbatim i think. actually, maybe its just plagerism. hehhe. slightly verbatim= plagerism!
leadership is service and giving.
a leader isnt given people for the leaders benefit, but the people are given the leader for their benefit.
this may seem like a "duh" thing to you, it is to me. yet i never let myself see it.
i have in the past- recent past too- looked at the people that i knew were specifically given to me for me to lead, as people that were supposed to fulfill me, and give me something worthwhile out of our time. this is mostly including the children i have worked with. im a bit afraid as of right now to see what my thoughts have been regarding my friends and people i have mentored.
and really afraid to let yall in there. you can probably guess. and if you feel youve been a recipient of ugly leading, you probably have. im sorry.
i dont want to be her anymore.
:: beginning to embrace the word::
i might be moving into another apt in the same complex. if you want to know the full story, you can, its kinda boring. theres a fun "casting lots" part. but long story short this place might be significantly bigger in the living area, to where more kids could come comfortably, and it would be given to me for the same price as this one because the apt manager angela is awesome.
i dont want the hassle of taking down all my beautiful decorating and nesting that i finally got satisfactory, and having to change my address for all the businesses and such, just for an apt number. and i just recently realized i had the wrong address still on my insurance! my premium had just gone down, but changing addressesmade it go up again. location.
im finding the place of really giving myself over to the One that i can completely trust with everything- my very life- and even though this might be a hassle, hes made my heart open to the move. i really hope that living room is huge. at least set up differently for more accomodation. it will make the decision hard if its just by a little bit. even though im certain that God has told me to move, i can make a different decision.
ugh. re reading that feels horrible. i choose quite frequently what i feel is best. this event doesnt make sense and im having a hard time with knowing this will be a beneficial move.
i hear all the time and say all the time that Gods ways are not ours.
but i really and truely dont like it.
ok, this is me keeping the reading in a manageable length!
till a little later.
01 August 2010
almost everything in my brain right now. well... half.
what to say? its been so long.
hi.
im your friend. youre mine. i like you, and im glad we can meet here, if not on a regular basis in the "real" world.
Gods been pricking me again, and most recently in an unexpected conversation w mike dalton.
yea, hes doing pretty good.
i know you guys can see a broken record theme coming from me in all my blogs. ii talk about the same stuff. im ok w that. if you ever get a hold of one of my journals [ hopefully a very old one; it would be less embarrassing that way] , youd quickly get bored with what would seem to be a constant rehashing. i dont mean to. i just forget.
i want memory.
so this thing that is constantly on my mind and i dont know what to do about it is- leadership.
we've probably talked about it at some point. its been in my life as an annoying part of me that wont change.
i want someone to lead me. and i dont let God do that very well. id rather the leading be on my terms. ew. such a viscious cycle.
francis chan kicked me in the small intestine today.
i dont want to love God more than anything else on this earth. i want to love a person more than anything else on this earth. i choose to be wrapped up in my selfishness more than the fact that i have inexplicable freedom and joyy at my fingertips. that i can continue to know Him FOREVER and i wont be able to know all. thhis doesnt thrill me as much as thinking of the possibility of having a husband w skin on.
i want to be able to say all of those things positively and truely about God. there are times when im there, and i long to stay there so desperately. not that my longing for a husband is gone, but its not consuming me there.
it just gets harder and harder.
i know the remedy.
it entails FEELING boring. i kinda like rollercoastering.
its readin the bible. its praying for others. putting on holy ears. being intentional with my words ALL THE TIME. showing my heart all the time. even when someones just stabbed it.
slowly.
ya know when youre in conversation with people, and things start getting said, and you know its hurting you, but you dont even have the presence of mind to completely acknowledge that its hurting? maybe its just me.
but this recently happened and i was tired and in pain and things were said. i was put in an unkind spot light, and instead of letting the person know it was unkind and engaging with him well, i met him there in my tough and spewed ugly.
so this growing up stuff is hard for me. to push past tired, push past my pre- set notions of people and listen to their hearts when i could care less about them. take the time to think about my heart, and realize that i can start caring about them if i care about me just enough.
im not crying, but earlier before bloggin i was, and i have to say i hate crying with contacts in. AND i hate crying w glasses on. just a no- win situation either way.
one more thing. just cuz. i am being super strict with myself in my budgeting. all those times i was telling yall it was going great- welll, i was cutting corners and taking from other allotments. so . when i say i cant do something that requires money, dont judge me. i know i make ok- good money. technically i CAN do things. but i have to pay for my car [a..k.a. probably not the best desicion in the world], and im deciding that at the end of the alloted time, id like to look back- even if its not paid off and im in debt with the interest- and know that i tried my hardest at paying it off.
hi.
im your friend. youre mine. i like you, and im glad we can meet here, if not on a regular basis in the "real" world.
Gods been pricking me again, and most recently in an unexpected conversation w mike dalton.
yea, hes doing pretty good.
i know you guys can see a broken record theme coming from me in all my blogs. ii talk about the same stuff. im ok w that. if you ever get a hold of one of my journals [ hopefully a very old one; it would be less embarrassing that way] , youd quickly get bored with what would seem to be a constant rehashing. i dont mean to. i just forget.
i want memory.
so this thing that is constantly on my mind and i dont know what to do about it is- leadership.
we've probably talked about it at some point. its been in my life as an annoying part of me that wont change.
i want someone to lead me. and i dont let God do that very well. id rather the leading be on my terms. ew. such a viscious cycle.
francis chan kicked me in the small intestine today.
i dont want to love God more than anything else on this earth. i want to love a person more than anything else on this earth. i choose to be wrapped up in my selfishness more than the fact that i have inexplicable freedom and joyy at my fingertips. that i can continue to know Him FOREVER and i wont be able to know all. thhis doesnt thrill me as much as thinking of the possibility of having a husband w skin on.
i want to be able to say all of those things positively and truely about God. there are times when im there, and i long to stay there so desperately. not that my longing for a husband is gone, but its not consuming me there.
it just gets harder and harder.
i know the remedy.
it entails FEELING boring. i kinda like rollercoastering.
its readin the bible. its praying for others. putting on holy ears. being intentional with my words ALL THE TIME. showing my heart all the time. even when someones just stabbed it.
slowly.
ya know when youre in conversation with people, and things start getting said, and you know its hurting you, but you dont even have the presence of mind to completely acknowledge that its hurting? maybe its just me.
but this recently happened and i was tired and in pain and things were said. i was put in an unkind spot light, and instead of letting the person know it was unkind and engaging with him well, i met him there in my tough and spewed ugly.
so this growing up stuff is hard for me. to push past tired, push past my pre- set notions of people and listen to their hearts when i could care less about them. take the time to think about my heart, and realize that i can start caring about them if i care about me just enough.
im not crying, but earlier before bloggin i was, and i have to say i hate crying with contacts in. AND i hate crying w glasses on. just a no- win situation either way.
one more thing. just cuz. i am being super strict with myself in my budgeting. all those times i was telling yall it was going great- welll, i was cutting corners and taking from other allotments. so . when i say i cant do something that requires money, dont judge me. i know i make ok- good money. technically i CAN do things. but i have to pay for my car [a..k.a. probably not the best desicion in the world], and im deciding that at the end of the alloted time, id like to look back- even if its not paid off and im in debt with the interest- and know that i tried my hardest at paying it off.
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