my life

is fast right now! feels fast anyway, like theres a bunch of things asking for my attention and i wonder whats the best.
ya know, we ask God to guide us but then we make alot of ouor own desicions. at least thats what im pretty sure i do. all i can shoot for is having long enough time in his word, at his feet, so it becomes me. and i make the choices he has for everyone that are best for everyone involved.

last kids club had 15 kids!!!! over a year ago i wouldve had a heart attack. i remember hoping they wouldnt show up. i remember thinking 9 kids was exorbitant. theres actually 20 on the list that would possibly come.
it gets crowded in my living room
and i love it. i hate that our time is filled with stories and projects, actually. i wish i could just play with each one of them, focus on each one and let them know they are loved. i had to get on them for being crazy and not respecting each other or the speaker. it killed me. and we didnt have time for me to explain all that. explain that i love them deeply.
we're doing a bible study right now in the singles' group that is focusing on spiritual giftings and how we're living, lately. one of the questions was about our passion. i obviously have a passion for letting kids know they are loved.
i wonder if what im doing is enough. or is there more? i hate that some things get put on a scale- like, this is more important than that. this is a more greater service. but there is truth to it still. like, a child getting raped over and over IS a little more traumatic than maybe a parent overlooking their child on a regular basis. it seems to be, anyway. just depends on what the child does with that information. what they are given as tools afterwards- will they be tools to build up from whats been broken, or tools to destroy?
a vision i have had for a long time is working in an orphanage, and getting people out of the sex trade. these things make me cry like my whole family has just been brutally murdered. at least when no ones around. i can hide it in public. anyway. does God actually have a place for me in those things in the future? or is it just for me to work out here, where i am, with the children and people around me that have no father and mother that care about them, that have been wounded by societies misuse of sex?
i just heard tonight of a hardworking family in my complex were the dad works in the day and the mom works at night. from all outward appearances they love their children. but since no one can watch the little ones- or they havent tried hard enough to find reasonable daycare- they have locked their small children in a room all day while the mom sleeps. she IS at home, but in a way that assures she wont be bothered unless they yell.
my heart doesnt even know what to do with this.

i think
i hope
i want
i need

and im scared of finishing those sentences.

so, can all of my blog friends just be in one room together, and we all share life in real time!? --wouldnt that be cool.

havent been "here" in so long.... dunno what to say other than, can we slow down and have some tea?
can i slow down to offer life to people, to invite them? thats the real question. i dont know if its possible for me to do that right now unselfishly. im pretty sure im way selfish. God uproot that pls. thanks.
im writing verses on spiral- bound index cards. im creating a package of truth and exhortation and love. its harder to sit down and find all those amazing verses at once, so i decided to give myself time and trust that God would show and remind of those verses that are necessary.

the other day i felt that my life was small. i still feel this. i have a little tendency toward a cabin -fever type feeling that leaves me immobile. i see such movement and doing and change in other peoples lives and what i sometimes see as a lack in mine gets me all sad.
and God is faithful to remind me.
my years have not been wasted, nor will they be. but i do have the responsibility of taking what hes giving.
God just shed some light on something. grr. why do i have to hold peoples opinions in such high esteem!!!??
having people over is a joy for me, and i havent been doing it because i think "they" dont like my apartment. bleh. thats so sad and stupid.
do you ever feel that youre missing what God really has, and are just getting by with good things, and not the best?
mind renewal is important stuff, and is a constant need. pray for alertness.

i know im all over the place in this blog. its ok.
theres something i need help with, but dont know who to ask. like, literally. i really dont know who to ask about it.
lucian, the romanian guy, still has a glimmer of [well, maybe more than a glimmer, i dont know] hope about us growing into deeper friends and then love.
i really dont want this. i dont think its possible. not with where we are both spiritually. the place where i need help is, i need an older single guy perspective on how i should deal w him. or just an older person in general i guess.
do all men act like children? is this their fate?

ugh. i dont really want to end on this note, but i cant think of anything else.
oh! i am doing really great w the masturbation- havent wanted it in a long time, its lost its power! [thanks sam and taytay for having my back on that]