joel

joel's hard for me to get into, with all the worms right off the bat, and destruction.
theres removal of provision, and shame, and a call to cry out to the Lord.
he doesnt come and restore them yet.
then, a crazy strong army comes, totally insurmountable and its a darkness you cant get away from.
then the Lord comes. and its a different darkness, of power. but theres also kindness, and a call again to cry out to Him. ::in a deeper place, maybe?
theres a truth- we must continually turn to Him in our needs. come to me, come to me, oh yes, and weep and mourn before me. dont numb out or be "satisfying" your hurts, stroking them and saying its not that bad, i can cope and we'll get through this.

and then the Lord comes quickly in his response- i will restore all these things, and this huge army, that wasnt defeatable? i go that.
v.20 ch.2 "but I will remove far off from you the northern army, and will drive him into a land barren and desolate, with his face toward the east sea, and his hinder part toward the utmost sea, and his stink shall come up, because he hath done great things."

so, the bad things were so great, theyre going to be a rememberance, even from far away.
but.
v. 21 "fear not, o land; be glad and rejoice: for the Lord will do great things."
BaM!
He's our Covering, our Restorer. His presence, full and complete in our lives brings on a forgetfullness of the evil- wiping away the pain of the past from our eyes, until one day we see Him clearly! those great things covered, are covering, and will continue to cover.

i came to my page, forgetting that i had changed it. it was so wonderfully refreshing! it wasnt a color combo i would really have gone for, if i had time to think about it. but i did it in response to changing my title. i felt it needed new colors.
its interesting- when i think i know myself, and have myself all figured out... my self throws me for a loop. areas and thought patterns that i could have sworn were dealt with adequately, and could be put aside, still need lots of time. being kinder to myself and allowing my needs to be met ends up being a kindness to all. i have more on my heart, but not to be read here in coldness. or said with type. and im feeling weighted and worn, and sad that im not more present in the moments.

pieces of my day

went to enchanted rock today. great place, i love it. hadnt gone before. went with a friend that needed time to walk around while she talked things out. i am in awe of the beauty God lets me in on, and that he gives to me. like a truth she spoke over me. she told me something about myself that i seriously have never known. that i see the beauty in things that arent beautiful, or where the beauty is hard to find. that i find the loveliness in people whereas she would only be repulsed by their horrific personality- or lack of it. she used more words, but i was so blown away, i could hardly stay present. ::is this really me?!::
i forced myself to stay present; shes a safe friend. andshe loves mem, and wouldnt hurt me. i allowed her to see my joy in recieving her words, and let her know i had difficulty holding them.
i have to say, i thank God that he gives me grace now to love myself. to love what hes created and fashioned. mostly- most of the time:)
it helps to agree with him, that he makes beautiful stuff, when im out in his nature.
WHOA!
we are in agreement with the Lord, and see through his eyes, when we are walking in his nature! his character!
swweeeet.

found some lovely words in some shops on fredricksburg, wished tim was in my pocket so i could ask him what some german stuff meant. had some reallly good pizza at the brewery. laughed a whole lot with linds k. it felt good to really laugh.
hope beyond all hope, hope with probable pain at the end, is better than no hope. hope is my anthem.
and theres nothing to the phrase "false hope" - at that point it has ceased to be hope,and is just deception in the presence of blatant truths.

i was stopped at the gas station by a middle- aged man....maybe in his thirties, with just some premature grey. anyway. he commented- you have a dagger in your ear[clarification- i have a tapered, straight gauge. its a little under 2 in, i think.]
he wanted to know if it was a goth thing, and i responded. he probed, asking if there was a meaning.
so, i launched into why i have it. i paused right at the beginning, asking him if he knew stuff about the bible. he was like, duh! so i continued.
he made me clarify some points that i never even thought of before. i told him about the historical servant thing.
he asked me, so after a specific time, after youve done so much work, it changes?[im paraphrasing greatly, i cant remember what he said exactly. ]
i said, no, its a little different, and proceeded to give him my thoughts. he asked the same thing again, in a different way, and then i was able to give him my full response.
what i came away with, that feels very new and im surprised i didnt think about this on my own- this is a new covenant. its simply taking a symbolizm from the old law. theres nothing else thats remotely relatable. before i came to believe Gods love for me, i was working hard, working to be good. i was a "christian" then. it felt like slavery. when i finally started realizing his persuit and love of me, and that id rather be stripped, offended, misunderstood, broken, and whatever else with Him than successful and happy by myself, i wanted a symbol of my devotion out of love to the Lord. i want people to know the peace that our Spirit brings.
i didnt say all this to him. it felt really awkward that he was being so interested and was really allowing me the time to talk. i didnt know what to do with that. there were two sides to that. one, that he was just wanting to talk to me cuz i was cute and wanted to see if he could get anywhere, and two, he couldve just walked up to me and said- i REALLY need to give my heart to the Lord in thanks for what he has done for me RIGHT NOW!
so, the feelings associated with those thoughts. put them together. thats what i felt. i couldnt focus well.
but im thankful that he asked me about it . im glad for the clarification.

katy got me wondering, along with all the other stuff in my head right now.

im kinda on a high- Gods just awesome. he restated to me through a lightening storm that he is with me lovingly, and cares to show himself especially to me, and reminded me of his power that hes given me the grace to let flow through me.
if you want to know that full story, ask. its kinda long and i dont want to type it all right now.

im excited about change. with church, and really living more fully, and with my plans for a different home in dec...not knowing at all what my life is going to hold in a couple months is WAYYY cool. maybe it is just some humongo breakthroughs and personal awesomness in growth. maybe its alot of physical out ward changes, maybe some of both. but its coming. theres a truth in my gut.
so ive been excited the past week or so. and i got to meet up with shelley and chat last night. some of the places we went left me really curious. im encouraged and thoughtful and saddened for her and where shes been lately, and i enjoyed stepping into her life again. shes definitely a person that i can step into, into the rooms of her heart, and she lets me walk around pretty freely.
looking at her heart makes me see mine in a new light at times. well, most of the time. i was muchly shocked at some areas that she threw a different light on. the light was not rose colored, but it was real and filled with love.
im thankful for the people that God sets up as sentinels for my heart in different seasons.
i wish i could let some more specifics out; i hate when others are vague. hm. well, i can say this.

ya know how its said girls go for people that are like their dads? i really do that. i see it all the time, its very blatant. and i really tend to shy away from-with something very close to disgust- guys who are like my mom.

there are some traits about my dad, i think, that arent healthy for me to be around. this was hard to look at, and its fresh. last night fresh.
so im struggling with what ive always wanted, and what i think i might need and deserve.
::wow:: and deserve. that just came out.
long pause , in thought.
i deserve someone better than my dad.

ok, so i had an idea where i wanted this post to go, its gone now. like, i dont even remember what i was thinking at the beginning. to be continued..

i get lulled into thinking sometimes that im used to change. then something so subtle comes, and there i am again, back at square one. feeling like im back at square one.

peoples lives changing changes people. we are constantly a different person, and therefore are worthy of getting to know always.
i want to get to know people. i feel like i do. maybe i dont. actually, im really selfish. i always am trying to get the focus on myself . i hate that part of me. could you just leave, part, and let me enjoy people? that' d be great.