yay new layout!

thats all.
i want to write something meaningful, but i think its smarter to wait until i actually have something to say, and go to bed for now:)

prayer for movement.

im starting to feel the pull- slightly- back into youth ministry. im pretty scared. but im now willing to admit that its where my heart is most of the time. i think im mostly posting this because i need prayer. prayer to start walking into whatever is available. and doable. i mean, id like to keep my day job. ;) i also need to be laid before the throne because of my aforementioned fear. in my last church, i was a super-integral part of the leadership team, and i took those kids on as my babies. i didnt know i had done that at the time. maybe i had made them an idol. dunno. but when i had to leave for say-town, it ripped my heart apart. its taken about =well, until now for it to heal. 2 years and 7 months. thats longer than my healing from the very painful /messed up[aka lesbian] relationship. i wonder why its deeper. why i havent looked into that more. why i didnt think it needed as much attention.
im interested at the timing of this reawakening. its felt like all of a sudden its hit me again. no rhyme or reason. i think my movement into inquiring about possibly helping is going to be slow.
i need prayer for my heart to rest and for God to place everything where it needs to be in a way that i can see it clearly and understand the futility of fighting it!:) thanks friends.

i always write about hope, it seems

hope has been expanding.
i have had lovely friends pursue me, and let me know im worth it, and i am thankful.
i feel like its a preparation for me to be able to interact with my husband well.
i was wanting a house, and got a car instead. that made me really wonder about my seeming need to be settled in stark contrast to being mobile.
our family has a friend my age that is currently living with them. hes from africa and is going to school here, and so has a valid student visa. for some reason he had to renew his regular visa or something, and was turned down. hes looking at thousands of dollars to contend it. his life looks and feels very transient right now.
i have other friends who are embarking on the mission field right now, have already done so, or are thinking about it for thier future.
i have friends who have lost thier jobs[big surprise right now]. its still scarey, esp. when its so "close."
i guess ive just been thinking more that im not promised anything here, and this is not my home, and who friggin knows whats gonna happen- i could end up in canada for all i know[it was the most randomly weird place i could think of- romania or something of that nature isnt so strange to me:)].
i look forward to the possibilities- husband, coming alongside him in his love for God, whatever thats going to look like[!], hopefully be able to foster parent or adopt somewhere in there, ahH! thinking about possibilities is unending! who knows what God prepares us for ! just being able to walk alongside believers and non believers alike, and grow and minister, and be ministered to=
what an adventure!
hm. i will be tired. i will get hungry:) ill cry. ill laugh. ill get hurt. ill be mistreated, and lavished on. ill lead. ill love. ill be misunderstood. ill misunderstand. ill be known. ill know. ill listen. ill stay up late on purpose , and against my will.
life is sounding really exciting right now! even the "ucky" parts. anyway. that was my brain on lots of water [and great tea, thanks to kelsi:)].