"May your lovingkindnesses also come to me , O Lord, Your salvation according to your word;
So I will have an answer for him who reproaches me, for I trust in Your word. " verses 41 and 42
I have been "sitting" and "walking" in interesting places recently with God. Places I don't understand.
So much of it ties back to my worth and sexuality. Things I thought I had a good grasp on, that I understood their place.
Recently I felt God tell me that I would never be married, or at least it would be a way longer single season than I would like. This stirred up all kinds of ugly- which shows it had a purpose. There's no way God wants all these lies to hang on to my heart, especially if I desire to help expel them from other women and girls.
The lies came up: I'm not worth anything to anyone, I don't matter to people, and that I can just be used, like a whore.
psalm 119 has been awesome and timely [ I'm doing a study on it, called Sweeter Than Chocolate, by Gillespie.], and is teaching me that his Word will keep me from shame, and I must trust it.
Trust and Shame. So inextricably tied to all that I am about to type.
I am afraid of my sexuality, and what I am capable of, with it. Last night, staring into the "Christmas" tree, I found the fear. I gave my body so readily to Jennifer over 7 yrs ago, and a few yrs ago, as I laid on the bed of a guy I was dating, and then later on my couch, I was so willing for him to do whatever he wanted with me. Thankfully he didn't. I didn't love either of them.
As I sit in this place of not having marriage in my future [as far as I can see], I think it doesn't matter what I do with my body, and that how guys perceive me is unimportant.
Yet I am still afraid to let them close. If some man decides he is attracted to me, even if I am not towards him, over time I will cave. Over time [ if I stay in this mindset], I will allow him to do whatever he wants. I am afraid of even making new friends with men, and letting them close. what if they are not safe? What if I cannot read them? What happens when my guard is down?
When my guard is down, I date people that I am not interested in. When my guard is down, I allow people to use me however they want. I have great boundaries when I am an iron vault.
So this tension exists. The tension of realizing love must flow through me to others [and in a way, to myself] if I am truly to be of God, while living in a broken world where love is imperfect and misinterpreted.
The tension of knowing love is desperately needed of me, and that risk of giving it, will most likely result in personal pain.
The tension of allowing my longing for intimacy and being safe for others to get close to, without expecting or exacting any certain amount of love from them.
[all of that tension talk might not be "spectrum perfect," but that's as clear as my mind and heart can make it.]
Coming back to the verses at the beginning:
My lies are apparent. They are the ones that reproach me. God's lovingkindnesses must be accepted. I have to cling to them!
Verse 73 says," Your hands made me and fashioned me; give me understanding, that I may learn Your commandments."
He knows exactly the best way that I can and will learn things. I can trust him, and I must risk with him to know that there is no shame in his presence by the Blood of Jesus Christ. Risk learning new ways. It baffles me that with all the vulnerability I have accomplished in the past, that my heart shut down again.
He is good, but not safe [to paraphrase C.S. Lewis]- how interesting that he is still the most safe chest to lean into. The safest wings to be sheltered under. The safest fire, and the safest storm.
24 December 2013
05 November 2013
i was going to copy/ paste the whole thing.. but i already had the link copied.
http://heatherakelley.wordpress.com/2013/11/06/55/
23 August 2013
i am in a house, which is a "permanent" thing. going though all the material possessions i have accumulated over 7 years [ and fitting most of it into a 8' x10' room] is almost debilitating.
ive been cranky, and blah, and not really caring to invite people over or call people up. the lack of couch and overall "doneness" of the house may be part of that.
i really think there is a major psychological and emotional grieving i am going through as i throw away much of my treasures. theres just not a place for them, in the long run, and i need to start collecting differently.
see, i am a collector. i used to embrace it fully when i was little. things of like kind, rocks, rock animals [carved from soapstone and sold in mexico mostly], margarita stir sticks with really cool glass figurines on top, books, letters and notes, pictures, stuffed animals, keychains, lip balm [the last 2 listed i had about 50 each of both at one time. my purse contained a bag of lip product and keychains. and my house key.] .
theres probably more. but you get the idea. i started thinking it was just some weird thing.
but i like to be right. i like to collect information.
i like having large parties with a bunch of people. i like to collect friends.
i like to hear people's hearts and laugh or cry with them as needed. i like to collect stories with trust.
i have one more big box of papers and cards- lots of words of affirmation- to go, before im halfway at the point i want to be at. im putting it off. its really time consuming, and, it truncates my project that i had, of putting all of those things in a scrapbook. im just doing a 180 here.
i havent felt myself for a while. that is becoming more and more common. and i feel less fun and more serious. if its who im supposed to be, thats fine, but i just want to be honest to my present. whatever my present is.
ive been cranky, and blah, and not really caring to invite people over or call people up. the lack of couch and overall "doneness" of the house may be part of that.
i really think there is a major psychological and emotional grieving i am going through as i throw away much of my treasures. theres just not a place for them, in the long run, and i need to start collecting differently.
see, i am a collector. i used to embrace it fully when i was little. things of like kind, rocks, rock animals [carved from soapstone and sold in mexico mostly], margarita stir sticks with really cool glass figurines on top, books, letters and notes, pictures, stuffed animals, keychains, lip balm [the last 2 listed i had about 50 each of both at one time. my purse contained a bag of lip product and keychains. and my house key.] .
theres probably more. but you get the idea. i started thinking it was just some weird thing.
but i like to be right. i like to collect information.
i like having large parties with a bunch of people. i like to collect friends.
i like to hear people's hearts and laugh or cry with them as needed. i like to collect stories with trust.
i have one more big box of papers and cards- lots of words of affirmation- to go, before im halfway at the point i want to be at. im putting it off. its really time consuming, and, it truncates my project that i had, of putting all of those things in a scrapbook. im just doing a 180 here.
i havent felt myself for a while. that is becoming more and more common. and i feel less fun and more serious. if its who im supposed to be, thats fine, but i just want to be honest to my present. whatever my present is.
09 August 2013
The house starts to feel like home!
I don't have to move to a different sleeping place each week, and I am situating my room the way that feels most cozy. It's in a great place right now- I've actually been smiling when I walk into my room. Next weekend is the projected time in my mind for moving the rest of my stuff out of the Huggler's attic.
If you haven't noticed yet, something I'm working on is capitalization and punctuation. [HAHAH! I had just misspelled those two words right then. Classic.]
Is it just me, or do I seem to get more guys interested in me when I am focused on God? Seems that way, and right now it's like, as I'm considering moving to another country, I seem to be attractive to you all. Great.
Not being settled in my living space had taken a toll on my personality and my joy. My hospitality suffered; I didn't know how to do life in hospitality without offering a space. It somehow felt like I couldn't spend alot of money either. Weird how that works out psychologically. That's such a messed -up word. All the letters at the front. Psych.
God is sovereign. He is over his children, over the good and the bad, and he orchestrates it in his wisdom. --Regardless of how we feel about that, it's true.
He is loving. I just read this morning in one of the Chronicles or one of the Kings- I'm pretty sure its Kings, because I'm reading about a bunch of kings!
Anyway, they are finally done with all their evil, God is done with them being evil, and all of Israel is taken into captivity. The Assyrian king replaces them with little minions. Translated, that says that he sent other people groups to inhabit the land of Samaria, which is what they were calling the land of Israel at the time. So, the new people didn't know God or his laws, and God sent lions among them. So then the Assyrian king sent a priest back to teach them about God. These people didn't start following after God, but God didn't send any more nastiness on them.
Shows his beauty in giving us free will. He gave them opportunity. I like to think there were some people that turned away from their old stuff and started new with God.
It has made me think about how He gives of himself still so freely. We wonder why he doesn't explain things to us more, or make it easier for us to somehow believe him- but he gives us all we need for life and godliness. We must choose it. If some of those people who got relocated back in the day had chosen to follow God, they would've definitely been the minority. They would've had to seek out that priest. They would've been known- not seen at the high places or asherim [I'm just spitting out words- I don't know what an asherim is.].
We want this great calling and great work from God- and his calling us into godliness, to step out and be seen as his, to seek him when everyone else is going the other way. When we are not understood.
It is a great work and a hard one, to take what he has freely given and make it our own. To ask for understanding when the thought isn't a common sense american one. To see how we can live with this new truth in our days. It's a thing that needs focus, and greatness, and determination. It needs passion.
I don't have to move to a different sleeping place each week, and I am situating my room the way that feels most cozy. It's in a great place right now- I've actually been smiling when I walk into my room. Next weekend is the projected time in my mind for moving the rest of my stuff out of the Huggler's attic.
If you haven't noticed yet, something I'm working on is capitalization and punctuation. [HAHAH! I had just misspelled those two words right then. Classic.]
Is it just me, or do I seem to get more guys interested in me when I am focused on God? Seems that way, and right now it's like, as I'm considering moving to another country, I seem to be attractive to you all. Great.
Not being settled in my living space had taken a toll on my personality and my joy. My hospitality suffered; I didn't know how to do life in hospitality without offering a space. It somehow felt like I couldn't spend alot of money either. Weird how that works out psychologically. That's such a messed -up word. All the letters at the front. Psych.
God is sovereign. He is over his children, over the good and the bad, and he orchestrates it in his wisdom. --Regardless of how we feel about that, it's true.
He is loving. I just read this morning in one of the Chronicles or one of the Kings- I'm pretty sure its Kings, because I'm reading about a bunch of kings!
Anyway, they are finally done with all their evil, God is done with them being evil, and all of Israel is taken into captivity. The Assyrian king replaces them with little minions. Translated, that says that he sent other people groups to inhabit the land of Samaria, which is what they were calling the land of Israel at the time. So, the new people didn't know God or his laws, and God sent lions among them. So then the Assyrian king sent a priest back to teach them about God. These people didn't start following after God, but God didn't send any more nastiness on them.
Shows his beauty in giving us free will. He gave them opportunity. I like to think there were some people that turned away from their old stuff and started new with God.
It has made me think about how He gives of himself still so freely. We wonder why he doesn't explain things to us more, or make it easier for us to somehow believe him- but he gives us all we need for life and godliness. We must choose it. If some of those people who got relocated back in the day had chosen to follow God, they would've definitely been the minority. They would've had to seek out that priest. They would've been known- not seen at the high places or asherim [I'm just spitting out words- I don't know what an asherim is.].
We want this great calling and great work from God- and his calling us into godliness, to step out and be seen as his, to seek him when everyone else is going the other way. When we are not understood.
It is a great work and a hard one, to take what he has freely given and make it our own. To ask for understanding when the thought isn't a common sense american one. To see how we can live with this new truth in our days. It's a thing that needs focus, and greatness, and determination. It needs passion.
29 July 2013
last night!
good bye, apartment living [ at least for a year].
theres a weird nostalgia to it all. doing something grown up? --like all the other things ive done arent! :-P
its more than feeling grown. its feeling permanent.
which is funny.
how appropriate= finally when i'm in a house, which would seem the time to buy more permanent home fixtures, i'm reminding myself that i might go to a different country after this, so to not make any frivolous purchases.
enter air mattress sleeping for an indefinite amount of time.
there are some things that are needed, like a decent table and chairs, and maybe a desk. id like to have a tiny desk. and, probably a couch.
my heart is full with thinking of ministry possibilities. not how to minister, but all the prep of what it means to leave the country i have known, with its way of running and way of interacting, and the thought of not being able to take much with me, wherever i go.
last thought: im going to still be living out of my backpack. it will feel weird to not have my underwear in the front pouch, and my clothes rolled up in the big compartment...so i am going to just leave my way of doing things until i get settled. so all my bathroom stuff is going to stay in their assigned bags, until appropriate homes come about.
theres a weird nostalgia to it all. doing something grown up? --like all the other things ive done arent! :-P
its more than feeling grown. its feeling permanent.
which is funny.
how appropriate= finally when i'm in a house, which would seem the time to buy more permanent home fixtures, i'm reminding myself that i might go to a different country after this, so to not make any frivolous purchases.
enter air mattress sleeping for an indefinite amount of time.
there are some things that are needed, like a decent table and chairs, and maybe a desk. id like to have a tiny desk. and, probably a couch.
my heart is full with thinking of ministry possibilities. not how to minister, but all the prep of what it means to leave the country i have known, with its way of running and way of interacting, and the thought of not being able to take much with me, wherever i go.
last thought: im going to still be living out of my backpack. it will feel weird to not have my underwear in the front pouch, and my clothes rolled up in the big compartment...so i am going to just leave my way of doing things until i get settled. so all my bathroom stuff is going to stay in their assigned bags, until appropriate homes come about.
26 July 2013
i have a house!!!
....its not completely final. we will be signing after church on sunday, though!!
i am thankful.
im so excited. i have to keep reminding myself its only for a year, most likely, and to not try and look into replacing the carpet or painting the walls. [ i am going to push for installing a ceiling fan with light kit for above the "dining area" - those low- hanging lights are ridiculous, and they make you put your table right in that spot. so assuming.].
may God be blessed, because i was not thankful or excited after seeing this house, putting the app in, and for a few days after.
i dunno if "you" remember, but a few posts ago i had a thought that all the peace surrounding me, may be gone after a time, and i was sad at that thought.
well, about the time that we sent the app in, the peace and such did leave, and ive had to work now to remember the goodness of God, and be ok with the fact that things wont feel or be perfect.
im so ready to designate "places" for things.
this house will be a house of prayer.
God keeps reminding me that he wants me to be praying. and ive been doing it. im excited to look into creating a little prayer spot in the teeny back yard, and also to make my room a haven, a "no-crazy" zone. we'll see how that goes. [hahah! if i keep myself out of the room....]
going overseas has been on my mind ALOT
ive been asking God to check my motives, and to tell me where i should be. i dont want to get tunnel vision and think that since he made this desire grow in me, that i HAVE to go overseas, and completely rule out doing full time ministry here. i dont want to be closed toward him- i know he has thoughts he doesnt tell us sometimes, and lets us think other things for a while.
before i can do anything, here or "there," i might need to go back to school. earlier when i was looking into the possibility, it didnt seem like the thing to jump into, since there was not a specific end goal, with a specific ministry. once i am led to the ministry, i think i will be able to jump into school easily.
the work might be a different story.
jon was helping me create a letter and a resume, to send to JV, and i saw my lack of composing ability in unforgiving fluorescent. ive been out of school a looong time.
today i started reading The Nature of Space and Time by Hawking and Penrose. i dont know enough of math and science to understand this book, but i underlined the things in the first chapter i dont know, and am going to research. And, im excited about my other new book, There is a God by former athiest Antony Flew.
thats all.
i am thankful.
im so excited. i have to keep reminding myself its only for a year, most likely, and to not try and look into replacing the carpet or painting the walls. [ i am going to push for installing a ceiling fan with light kit for above the "dining area" - those low- hanging lights are ridiculous, and they make you put your table right in that spot. so assuming.].
may God be blessed, because i was not thankful or excited after seeing this house, putting the app in, and for a few days after.
i dunno if "you" remember, but a few posts ago i had a thought that all the peace surrounding me, may be gone after a time, and i was sad at that thought.
well, about the time that we sent the app in, the peace and such did leave, and ive had to work now to remember the goodness of God, and be ok with the fact that things wont feel or be perfect.
im so ready to designate "places" for things.
this house will be a house of prayer.
God keeps reminding me that he wants me to be praying. and ive been doing it. im excited to look into creating a little prayer spot in the teeny back yard, and also to make my room a haven, a "no-crazy" zone. we'll see how that goes. [hahah! if i keep myself out of the room....]
going overseas has been on my mind ALOT
ive been asking God to check my motives, and to tell me where i should be. i dont want to get tunnel vision and think that since he made this desire grow in me, that i HAVE to go overseas, and completely rule out doing full time ministry here. i dont want to be closed toward him- i know he has thoughts he doesnt tell us sometimes, and lets us think other things for a while.
before i can do anything, here or "there," i might need to go back to school. earlier when i was looking into the possibility, it didnt seem like the thing to jump into, since there was not a specific end goal, with a specific ministry. once i am led to the ministry, i think i will be able to jump into school easily.
the work might be a different story.
jon was helping me create a letter and a resume, to send to JV, and i saw my lack of composing ability in unforgiving fluorescent. ive been out of school a looong time.
today i started reading The Nature of Space and Time by Hawking and Penrose. i dont know enough of math and science to understand this book, but i underlined the things in the first chapter i dont know, and am going to research. And, im excited about my other new book, There is a God by former athiest Antony Flew.
thats all.
23 July 2013
kate, tabby, and i had a little bit of a rollercoaster with the house stuff. Dear tomorrow, please tell me we have this one.
when i say little, it was little. we put in an app for one house, and didnt get it. people are cutthroat. esp about houses right now. its ridiculous. and i always misspell that word.
the house we are *probably* going to get is WAY smaller than i wanted- the rooms and bathrooms are small. everything else is fine. i guess the smallness doesnt matter too much; we dont have very much combined furniture, and i have the most. half of my furniture is gone. maybe more than half.
im listening to sarah brightman, and realize its not as soothing as id hoped. bye, sarah. i need some hipster singing.
mumford and sons!
ive had alot of emotions today; some of that was just stress, and i miraculously havent been really stressed in a long time, so it was a very distressing feeling for me. i would rather not. i kept trying to just calm myself down and talk it all through with God. it took me crying 2x and getting really mad at another driver in the heb parking lot, to get over it. i hope he was a christian and it didnt ruin his night.
i have this sneaking suspicion that he is a christian, and that he prayed for me right after. cuz i felt -- prayed for.
i told one of my bosses today that im kinda set on leaving, and am looking into overseas missions. she was really supportive, and reminded me that they will support my decision. im gonna try to catch the other dr tomorrow. shes harder to catch. the one probably told the other already anyway. which would be great. sometimes i think she needs a heads up. or, actually, i need prep to talk to her sometimes. shes so antsy.
theres so many things swirling in my head. address change, getting car reg.renewal sent in time, go to sprint, go to store, get some cleaning supplies and such from riends' house, plan the move, plan a party, keep in prayer, sleep on the floor the right way so my neck wont hurt, find a good answer to give people who have a problem with me sleeping on the floor, make a list of things the new house is going to need, find out what to do with my cats, keep doing rodan + fields, get a washer and dryer, some furniture, and recover my chair. get braces, go to the doctor, take my car to the doctor too. stay present with people at church and friends, stay kind to coworkers.
ive been having such an easy time loving people at wok lately, and i had a "normal" day today, where i got a little stressed. it showed toward some of my co workers. that made me mad at myself. i totally was being unnecessary and unprofessional.
people wont like me all the time.
i thought of this as i was coming back from walking from dairy queen. midnight truffle. yes.
i was walking into the complex, and this is the 3rd or 4th time ive noticed-- the asians in this complex cross to the other side of the street as they pass me. maybe im being paranoid.
when i say little, it was little. we put in an app for one house, and didnt get it. people are cutthroat. esp about houses right now. its ridiculous. and i always misspell that word.
the house we are *probably* going to get is WAY smaller than i wanted- the rooms and bathrooms are small. everything else is fine. i guess the smallness doesnt matter too much; we dont have very much combined furniture, and i have the most. half of my furniture is gone. maybe more than half.
im listening to sarah brightman, and realize its not as soothing as id hoped. bye, sarah. i need some hipster singing.
mumford and sons!
ive had alot of emotions today; some of that was just stress, and i miraculously havent been really stressed in a long time, so it was a very distressing feeling for me. i would rather not. i kept trying to just calm myself down and talk it all through with God. it took me crying 2x and getting really mad at another driver in the heb parking lot, to get over it. i hope he was a christian and it didnt ruin his night.
i have this sneaking suspicion that he is a christian, and that he prayed for me right after. cuz i felt -- prayed for.
i told one of my bosses today that im kinda set on leaving, and am looking into overseas missions. she was really supportive, and reminded me that they will support my decision. im gonna try to catch the other dr tomorrow. shes harder to catch. the one probably told the other already anyway. which would be great. sometimes i think she needs a heads up. or, actually, i need prep to talk to her sometimes. shes so antsy.
theres so many things swirling in my head. address change, getting car reg.renewal sent in time, go to sprint, go to store, get some cleaning supplies and such from riends' house, plan the move, plan a party, keep in prayer, sleep on the floor the right way so my neck wont hurt, find a good answer to give people who have a problem with me sleeping on the floor, make a list of things the new house is going to need, find out what to do with my cats, keep doing rodan + fields, get a washer and dryer, some furniture, and recover my chair. get braces, go to the doctor, take my car to the doctor too. stay present with people at church and friends, stay kind to coworkers.
ive been having such an easy time loving people at wok lately, and i had a "normal" day today, where i got a little stressed. it showed toward some of my co workers. that made me mad at myself. i totally was being unnecessary and unprofessional.
people wont like me all the time.
i thought of this as i was coming back from walking from dairy queen. midnight truffle. yes.
i was walking into the complex, and this is the 3rd or 4th time ive noticed-- the asians in this complex cross to the other side of the street as they pass me. maybe im being paranoid.
16 July 2013
currently feeling inadequate and wondering "why me?"
i dont have any skill set that is easily measured and written down/ understood in a few sentences.
there is nothing about my scholastic background that says "fit for full-time ministry overseas."
in thinking about writing up this story for jv, im hit smack between my eyes- im nothing. everything i write sounds silly and unwanted.
and i legitimately wonder, why cant i do these things i want to do, here? there are hurting people and hurting youth and children in america. i am part of alot of volunteer things that are great. but i lack time. and i cant just ask people here to fund me in ministry full- time, to not work just so i can interact with people on a level that just looks like plain old relationship. its frustrating and i feel stuck. i feel like however much i have tried and will try to make it into something that feels big enough to hold all of how i want to impact people, nothing will change.
that i'll have to turn back to my job in hygiene. that i'll just keep having to eke out the small, unsatisfying "satisfactions" that i can find in my day in, day out interactions.
i read something by henri nouwen about living small and humble, and having that be enough. he was speaking in regards to le arc [the ark], where mentally handicapped people live.
but even then, the people that are working there have a passion to love those they are serving. they are fulfilled in that. they know God has placed them there to do that. i dont know where i am supposed to be. and its hurting me in my core. havent i waited enough? yes, im scared to possibly go back to school if needed. i wouldnt even know what would be best suited, because i dont know what to focus on. yes, im a little scared of living full time in a different country. just because its unknown, and id have to learn a language. i dont mind taking all this time if i have a focus. but my focus never stays on one thing, i cant seem to find joy in just one thing.
many people would cite that i love children - yes. but there are still so many avenues to take, so many needs. all the other problems and such that arise in people's lives can be lessened or avoided by pouring into them when they are younger.
i dont have any skill set that is easily measured and written down/ understood in a few sentences.
there is nothing about my scholastic background that says "fit for full-time ministry overseas."
in thinking about writing up this story for jv, im hit smack between my eyes- im nothing. everything i write sounds silly and unwanted.
and i legitimately wonder, why cant i do these things i want to do, here? there are hurting people and hurting youth and children in america. i am part of alot of volunteer things that are great. but i lack time. and i cant just ask people here to fund me in ministry full- time, to not work just so i can interact with people on a level that just looks like plain old relationship. its frustrating and i feel stuck. i feel like however much i have tried and will try to make it into something that feels big enough to hold all of how i want to impact people, nothing will change.
that i'll have to turn back to my job in hygiene. that i'll just keep having to eke out the small, unsatisfying "satisfactions" that i can find in my day in, day out interactions.
i read something by henri nouwen about living small and humble, and having that be enough. he was speaking in regards to le arc [the ark], where mentally handicapped people live.
but even then, the people that are working there have a passion to love those they are serving. they are fulfilled in that. they know God has placed them there to do that. i dont know where i am supposed to be. and its hurting me in my core. havent i waited enough? yes, im scared to possibly go back to school if needed. i wouldnt even know what would be best suited, because i dont know what to focus on. yes, im a little scared of living full time in a different country. just because its unknown, and id have to learn a language. i dont mind taking all this time if i have a focus. but my focus never stays on one thing, i cant seem to find joy in just one thing.
many people would cite that i love children - yes. but there are still so many avenues to take, so many needs. all the other problems and such that arise in people's lives can be lessened or avoided by pouring into them when they are younger.
14 July 2013
the last hobo home!
im in my roommate kate's apt. yay! she and i both have very little at this point. i feel super minimalist.
i think these last 2 weeks of july are going to go by very fast, but not smoothly, and i think i will get stressed out. i think i will forget alot and frustrate myself by not slowing down and thinking things through. i think i will be tired. im tired right now.
ok, now that all thats over with-- Gods gonna be right by my side, so we're ok. i am going to love finding a house, and how interesting it will be to do that paperwork! :)
im pretty sure im on some kind of autopilot right now; im having a hard time chatting with people and staying focused.
through all the moving, i find time with God is just different in the different settings, depending if i can pray out loud or not, if theres a place to sit kinda secluded, or if i have to stay on my bed...theres alot of factors. im not quite sure of myself even, of how i like it the best, and what leaves me most focused. but i do know i need more time. the only way i can think to do that right now is to wake up earlier...which means about 5. i never thought i would be that person. i also never thought i would enjoy living out of a backpack as much as i have
[ ok, so i have a couple other bags too].
im going to sleep now.
even though i was tired through most of this day and feeling weird, im grateful for this apt, and this desk that i can use, a bathroom to myself as kate and i are getting used to each other, and the makeshift bed of a lawn chair and a cushion. its quite wonderful actually.
i smell like baby powder right now, and have NO idea why. goodbye.
im in my roommate kate's apt. yay! she and i both have very little at this point. i feel super minimalist.
i think these last 2 weeks of july are going to go by very fast, but not smoothly, and i think i will get stressed out. i think i will forget alot and frustrate myself by not slowing down and thinking things through. i think i will be tired. im tired right now.
ok, now that all thats over with-- Gods gonna be right by my side, so we're ok. i am going to love finding a house, and how interesting it will be to do that paperwork! :)
im pretty sure im on some kind of autopilot right now; im having a hard time chatting with people and staying focused.
through all the moving, i find time with God is just different in the different settings, depending if i can pray out loud or not, if theres a place to sit kinda secluded, or if i have to stay on my bed...theres alot of factors. im not quite sure of myself even, of how i like it the best, and what leaves me most focused. but i do know i need more time. the only way i can think to do that right now is to wake up earlier...which means about 5. i never thought i would be that person. i also never thought i would enjoy living out of a backpack as much as i have
[ ok, so i have a couple other bags too].
im going to sleep now.
even though i was tired through most of this day and feeling weird, im grateful for this apt, and this desk that i can use, a bathroom to myself as kate and i are getting used to each other, and the makeshift bed of a lawn chair and a cushion. its quite wonderful actually.
i smell like baby powder right now, and have NO idea why. goodbye.
06 July 2013
weekend of freedom...
obviously we celebrated our nations freedom from oppressive rule this weekend. i could go on a political diatribe, but the heart and home implications are stronger.
personally, i was reminded of the freedom i have to be made small, that i can become small and humble for others. i talked through my own personal wanderings about the future w basically all of my family, and my dads advice was the loudest [actually, the only voiced straightforward advice given. everyone else said theyd be praying w me]- "jump into the deep end" - what does that mean? im not getting the allegory. -" do whatever scares you the most." (-well, both of them do. my fear is across the board. its moving into the joy and depth of my heart for service without my husband. God has known this for some time, and has been patient with my lies to myself.)
havent been home since Christmas, i think. and then my brother gets in jail and has a court date, so he is now at home waiting that. i dont care about that part. its fruit of the heart, and so what the root of this is, is worse than the outcome. he has decided God is not for him, after seemingly knowing the Lord fairly well. or at least making a really great fake of it all.
there was alot of support for my parents in going, and also for me. i got to talk individually with my mom, dad and grandma. also txted w my brother for a bit, right before i left, and i think that was good. mostly just hoping he heard that we care about him and love him, regardless of what he feels now about God. right now hes allowing the label of "felon" to define him.
theres some sort of evil, some sort of oppression ive never been able to put my finger on , that is over cc. right when i am leaving i am able to pray strongly and fully for all that is on my heart while i am there. and of course everyone knows the best prayers are the ones in your car:)
i tend to radio surf the most on the way down and up from cc. i came across this song. i have no idea how old or new it is. ive never heard it. kinda wonder how much of this is personally resonating with me as well.
my brothers' response to this was "cheesey"
maybe(esp now that i watched this video, i agree. just the song by itself is fine), but my heart is there.
brave
i remember the little boy in the superman cape.
this is me grieving the loss of someone i thought i knew.
and, the start of knowing him now.
personally, i was reminded of the freedom i have to be made small, that i can become small and humble for others. i talked through my own personal wanderings about the future w basically all of my family, and my dads advice was the loudest [actually, the only voiced straightforward advice given. everyone else said theyd be praying w me]- "jump into the deep end" - what does that mean? im not getting the allegory. -" do whatever scares you the most." (-well, both of them do. my fear is across the board. its moving into the joy and depth of my heart for service without my husband. God has known this for some time, and has been patient with my lies to myself.)
havent been home since Christmas, i think. and then my brother gets in jail and has a court date, so he is now at home waiting that. i dont care about that part. its fruit of the heart, and so what the root of this is, is worse than the outcome. he has decided God is not for him, after seemingly knowing the Lord fairly well. or at least making a really great fake of it all.
there was alot of support for my parents in going, and also for me. i got to talk individually with my mom, dad and grandma. also txted w my brother for a bit, right before i left, and i think that was good. mostly just hoping he heard that we care about him and love him, regardless of what he feels now about God. right now hes allowing the label of "felon" to define him.
theres some sort of evil, some sort of oppression ive never been able to put my finger on , that is over cc. right when i am leaving i am able to pray strongly and fully for all that is on my heart while i am there. and of course everyone knows the best prayers are the ones in your car:)
i tend to radio surf the most on the way down and up from cc. i came across this song. i have no idea how old or new it is. ive never heard it. kinda wonder how much of this is personally resonating with me as well.
my brothers' response to this was "cheesey"
maybe(esp now that i watched this video, i agree. just the song by itself is fine), but my heart is there.
brave
i remember the little boy in the superman cape.
this is me grieving the loss of someone i thought i knew.
and, the start of knowing him now.
29 June 2013
"Gypsy for God"
chatted with a friend from high school today- she coined the phrase that is now my title. i love it.
ive been enjoying talking w people about being "homeless"- its one of the ways God is reminding me that this is all his doing.
really, most of my life has been his doing. ive tried to take it from him a couple times. that didnt work out well at all.
some of you that have been able to talk to me recently, know that i am getting tired of all this unsettled business. thankfully i have some "new" clothes, that were pretty much free. so that helps me stay kind to myself and not get into depressed doldrums.
i was helping Hope for the Sex Trafficked have a rummage sale so that we can make some org money. i did put a whole day and about 60 $ into the sale personally, and got a sunburn and about 10 great clothes out of the deal.
having this clothing experience, gave me an idea. i am going to pick a few articles of clothing each couple of months, and just wear them. and wear them. and thats going to 1) simplify my decision making process during the weekends [read: less time spent trying to figure out what to wear], 2)show me what pieces in my closet dont need to stay, and 3) give me way more pairing options, and show me what things i need to find to make pairings more profitable and versatile.
im excited.
i was going to go to the childrens shelter today, but i think this weekend ive needed a little more me time. i know i wont be able to do that when i start fostering, but at least it will just be one or two kids at a time, and they can be on our family schedule.
ive needed a bit more me time because of all of my life right now.
it consists of disappointment and waiting and waiting and not feeling settled, and some of not having time to talk my life out with anyone. actually probably more of me not making/ asking for time to talk it out. thankfully the disappointment in no one coming to my Rodan + Fields party for my coworkers meant that i had friend time with my business partner. that was nice to just chat about life and not R+F for a bit with her.
still havent heard back about fostering. i know God has his timing though. so im not going to push it. after this next week, i'll be moving in with one of my future roommates for the rest of the month. thats gonna make it more real. funny, i want this, but when i think about what the reality of it might feel like, im a little sad that this time of transition is going to be over. yes, ive kvetched about it. but God has been present in ways ive never known and im afraid i'll forget quickly where hes been with me in this time. im afraid i'll lose this peace/ calm/ joy thats been with me; like maybe it was a special grace for this season only.
i heard from a single friend that she is pretty certain that she knows the man shes going to marry. she cited lots of God- moments and things other people have said, and also what the man has said as well. it looks pretty solid. made me think of some encounters ive had with the Spirit recently, and wondering if maybe im not meant to do any fostering on my own- if maybe im just having to wait on my husband to get to me.
which makes me think- if im really gonna have to wait on being in that role, and its because of him, the first thing out of my mouth when he proposes might not be "OMG, YES!" but --" finally! do you realize how long ive had to wait?! we're calling the DFPS right now."
ive been enjoying talking w people about being "homeless"- its one of the ways God is reminding me that this is all his doing.
really, most of my life has been his doing. ive tried to take it from him a couple times. that didnt work out well at all.
some of you that have been able to talk to me recently, know that i am getting tired of all this unsettled business. thankfully i have some "new" clothes, that were pretty much free. so that helps me stay kind to myself and not get into depressed doldrums.
i was helping Hope for the Sex Trafficked have a rummage sale so that we can make some org money. i did put a whole day and about 60 $ into the sale personally, and got a sunburn and about 10 great clothes out of the deal.
having this clothing experience, gave me an idea. i am going to pick a few articles of clothing each couple of months, and just wear them. and wear them. and thats going to 1) simplify my decision making process during the weekends [read: less time spent trying to figure out what to wear], 2)show me what pieces in my closet dont need to stay, and 3) give me way more pairing options, and show me what things i need to find to make pairings more profitable and versatile.
im excited.
i was going to go to the childrens shelter today, but i think this weekend ive needed a little more me time. i know i wont be able to do that when i start fostering, but at least it will just be one or two kids at a time, and they can be on our family schedule.
ive needed a bit more me time because of all of my life right now.
it consists of disappointment and waiting and waiting and not feeling settled, and some of not having time to talk my life out with anyone. actually probably more of me not making/ asking for time to talk it out. thankfully the disappointment in no one coming to my Rodan + Fields party for my coworkers meant that i had friend time with my business partner. that was nice to just chat about life and not R+F for a bit with her.
still havent heard back about fostering. i know God has his timing though. so im not going to push it. after this next week, i'll be moving in with one of my future roommates for the rest of the month. thats gonna make it more real. funny, i want this, but when i think about what the reality of it might feel like, im a little sad that this time of transition is going to be over. yes, ive kvetched about it. but God has been present in ways ive never known and im afraid i'll forget quickly where hes been with me in this time. im afraid i'll lose this peace/ calm/ joy thats been with me; like maybe it was a special grace for this season only.
i heard from a single friend that she is pretty certain that she knows the man shes going to marry. she cited lots of God- moments and things other people have said, and also what the man has said as well. it looks pretty solid. made me think of some encounters ive had with the Spirit recently, and wondering if maybe im not meant to do any fostering on my own- if maybe im just having to wait on my husband to get to me.
which makes me think- if im really gonna have to wait on being in that role, and its because of him, the first thing out of my mouth when he proposes might not be "OMG, YES!" but --" finally! do you realize how long ive had to wait?! we're calling the DFPS right now."
19 June 2013
hello! ive been tired, ive been busy, but ive been blessed and calm.
God has shown me graciousness with my time, and solidified me in gratitude to my family, and my circumstances :) its been awesome.
when i learned that i would have to wait another month for my rent house, i went through some anger and disappointment. a little fear too, to be honest. i hated the thought that i would have to ask for help for another month, and wondered what others would think about me [like why is she just mooching off of people?]
thankfully, we threw that out the window. my affirmation needs to come from God.
ive had my eyes opened again to my brutally honest way of saying things, and am asking God seriously to slow my mouth down so i can rehearse the things that pop out of my mouth, to gauge them.
also to my critical spirit. i need to love people despite their faults, and pray for change. because, as noted just before, i have my own issues. and theres more where that came from.
this month [ i just called the foster/ adoption help at the childrens shelter], im going to chat with someone about the possibility of starting fostering. i must be crazy to want to start this right now, with a job and a business, and having roommates. but if i dont start, i'll always make excuses. and i want my life to count for love toward God in loving his people. i think the best way i do that, is when im spent and have to lean on him completely.
i think thats why this new business venture with r + f has been so great. its shown me i cant focus on the doing and the money and the perfect life and the good works. its only God. ive been giving all of my everything to God every day for the past two days. my focus has been changing. im excited to see where this leads.
and screw it if r + f doesnt work out, or if i cant become a foster parent now [ or ever]. i truely gave all my parts of my life up, even asking him to just give me that perfect house that is the best for our needs. there is no worry, just looking ahead with determination for the next day, and slowing down as much as i can for the people in the moment. --thats still a struggle at times.
i really am squishing and sinking into the fact that if i do a job, regular old job, struggle w money, give when i can with all of my resources, heart, mind, and body, and pray... that it will be enough. our focus is to be God.
heh, kinda wish my life was boring like that some days, so i can take a nap:) but God knows. he did actually give me a nap last sunday, which was good and neccesary. im falling in love with life and the glimpses of what it really could be, and what mine is taking shape as. im falling in love with him, knowing he could take all this away that im holding, and it would be good and fine. :)
God has shown me graciousness with my time, and solidified me in gratitude to my family, and my circumstances :) its been awesome.
when i learned that i would have to wait another month for my rent house, i went through some anger and disappointment. a little fear too, to be honest. i hated the thought that i would have to ask for help for another month, and wondered what others would think about me [like why is she just mooching off of people?]
thankfully, we threw that out the window. my affirmation needs to come from God.
ive had my eyes opened again to my brutally honest way of saying things, and am asking God seriously to slow my mouth down so i can rehearse the things that pop out of my mouth, to gauge them.
also to my critical spirit. i need to love people despite their faults, and pray for change. because, as noted just before, i have my own issues. and theres more where that came from.
this month [ i just called the foster/ adoption help at the childrens shelter], im going to chat with someone about the possibility of starting fostering. i must be crazy to want to start this right now, with a job and a business, and having roommates. but if i dont start, i'll always make excuses. and i want my life to count for love toward God in loving his people. i think the best way i do that, is when im spent and have to lean on him completely.
i think thats why this new business venture with r + f has been so great. its shown me i cant focus on the doing and the money and the perfect life and the good works. its only God. ive been giving all of my everything to God every day for the past two days. my focus has been changing. im excited to see where this leads.
and screw it if r + f doesnt work out, or if i cant become a foster parent now [ or ever]. i truely gave all my parts of my life up, even asking him to just give me that perfect house that is the best for our needs. there is no worry, just looking ahead with determination for the next day, and slowing down as much as i can for the people in the moment. --thats still a struggle at times.
i really am squishing and sinking into the fact that if i do a job, regular old job, struggle w money, give when i can with all of my resources, heart, mind, and body, and pray... that it will be enough. our focus is to be God.
heh, kinda wish my life was boring like that some days, so i can take a nap:) but God knows. he did actually give me a nap last sunday, which was good and neccesary. im falling in love with life and the glimpses of what it really could be, and what mine is taking shape as. im falling in love with him, knowing he could take all this away that im holding, and it would be good and fine. :)
10 June 2013
we have an official trio of girl!
im so glad to be resting in knowing we can truely start looking for a house. the timeframe is still up in the air; one girl is going to be gone for most of july and the other cant get out of her lease until the end of july.
ive become comfortable with living with others, and doing my own thing while being a bit on their schedule. its refreshing. i guess just nice to know i can change still, and meld to other people's lives.
my rodan + fields business is good, and im really enjoying it- im also frustrated because im not able to jump in like i want to, and devote the time and attention id like. i asked God to make me unsettled about anything that is not supposed to be in my life, since im so busy, and im wondering if that is bad theology.
the heart behind it is good- i dont want to push him out, and i dont want to eat up all my time with things that arent important.
i feel at rest.
which is strange with all the things going on. still waiting on hearing from the lady that has my cats, that shes taken them to the shelter. maybe i'll call her tomorrow.
im so glad to be resting in knowing we can truely start looking for a house. the timeframe is still up in the air; one girl is going to be gone for most of july and the other cant get out of her lease until the end of july.
ive become comfortable with living with others, and doing my own thing while being a bit on their schedule. its refreshing. i guess just nice to know i can change still, and meld to other people's lives.
my rodan + fields business is good, and im really enjoying it- im also frustrated because im not able to jump in like i want to, and devote the time and attention id like. i asked God to make me unsettled about anything that is not supposed to be in my life, since im so busy, and im wondering if that is bad theology.
the heart behind it is good- i dont want to push him out, and i dont want to eat up all my time with things that arent important.
i feel at rest.
which is strange with all the things going on. still waiting on hearing from the lady that has my cats, that shes taken them to the shelter. maybe i'll call her tomorrow.
31 May 2013
lack of food effects the body and mind
hello. i have now been homeless for a month. i chuckle when i tell people- mostly because its too shocking for some,and laughing takes the seriousness out for them.
i havent felt homeless with friends who boast wonderful beds and REALLY comfy couches [and a blowup mattress].
nevertheless, my body is feeling the effects of constant movement and less food/ less variety of food. after 3 weeks into this gig, went out of town [which felt like the same song, just a different verse], and then came back to one more week...hopefully just one more week. anyway. my body- i was so tired after the trip, and hyped up on almost constant coffee, and not enough food, that i was literally shaking that night we came back. i decided that wasnt ok. and then today i got really hungry.
so food was purchased. i bought like i normally would for, say, a 2 week period. not that im staying with J for 2 weeks, but thats how i grocery shop. IT FELT GREAT. and then i ate some of it. AND THAT FELT GREAT
no set place to store food = buying way less; therefore way less at my disposal. [is that a postulate? jk. i know its not. just reminded me of one]
people are sometimes weird about sharing their food. which is ok. and hard for guests.
not having a set schedule, coming home to a different home...these seem like small things, and somehow it made it exponentially hard for me to eat the way i usually do. i was eating less, and not as many veggies. i ate out more at work too, because it was harder to plan lunch. so i finally said screw it. and i bought things my body is used to, in such quantities that i dont have to worry about eating all of my hostesses' food.
alot of this problem was my fault. i was going at the same pace i normally do- but when you are homeless, you have to slow down, and you have to plan your next meals better, if you can. i noticed my body has been
more tense and tired, and ive felt yucky/ nauseous easily.changing how ive been eating [and i just started today], has helped tremendously.
recent life lessons==dont criticize, dont complain, be kind and defer to the other persons' schedule, communicate about the small things, and be aware of what kinds of food you need [and get them if you can].
i havent felt homeless with friends who boast wonderful beds and REALLY comfy couches [and a blowup mattress].
nevertheless, my body is feeling the effects of constant movement and less food/ less variety of food. after 3 weeks into this gig, went out of town [which felt like the same song, just a different verse], and then came back to one more week...hopefully just one more week. anyway. my body- i was so tired after the trip, and hyped up on almost constant coffee, and not enough food, that i was literally shaking that night we came back. i decided that wasnt ok. and then today i got really hungry.
so food was purchased. i bought like i normally would for, say, a 2 week period. not that im staying with J for 2 weeks, but thats how i grocery shop. IT FELT GREAT. and then i ate some of it. AND THAT FELT GREAT
no set place to store food = buying way less; therefore way less at my disposal. [is that a postulate? jk. i know its not. just reminded me of one]
people are sometimes weird about sharing their food. which is ok. and hard for guests.
not having a set schedule, coming home to a different home...these seem like small things, and somehow it made it exponentially hard for me to eat the way i usually do. i was eating less, and not as many veggies. i ate out more at work too, because it was harder to plan lunch. so i finally said screw it. and i bought things my body is used to, in such quantities that i dont have to worry about eating all of my hostesses' food.
alot of this problem was my fault. i was going at the same pace i normally do- but when you are homeless, you have to slow down, and you have to plan your next meals better, if you can. i noticed my body has been
more tense and tired, and ive felt yucky/ nauseous easily.changing how ive been eating [and i just started today], has helped tremendously.
recent life lessons==dont criticize, dont complain, be kind and defer to the other persons' schedule, communicate about the small things, and be aware of what kinds of food you need [and get them if you can].
07 May 2013
the way we live
we build up lots of confidence in little things.
our God is big; and our confidence should be there.
and yet, we like all the little ideologies, little thoughts, little materialistic pretties, or big materialistic pretties...
im reading [ok, starting to read] the book Jesus+Nothing=Everything
and i have stopped reading after the first chapter. it poked at my desire to have a ministry. to have my life look quantifiable by the wonderful passion and ministry desires i have.
life is not about getting myself in the right ministry. about finding that fit. ive been so focused on that. my focus is wrong, and probably one of the ways im keeping myself futher from what God desires for me, is wanting so badly to be in some sort of action.
the childrens shelter
the desire to foster
the hope to bring women out of slavery and treafficking
all these things are idols
i must only see God. only want time with him. to find the love and joy and fulfillment THERE, FIRST.
after that all these great things can be true, and can be utilized to love well.
not having all my stuff around, has me mentally in a different place. theres a bit more fatigue, and i think thats because i dont have a good routine yet of daily things that need to happen [ like time w God, or how quickly i can exercise and cook and shower...just the little routines we get into].
not having a routine has been great in shedding light on how i live, what i do, why, all that. looking at even what my friends tend to eat, how they clean their apts...these little things make me step back , and wonder what is really important.
not being in my "own" apt/ place of abode has made me more desirous to have people around.
not having internet has brought forgetfulness about the people in my life~ oh, facebook is too much of a community crutch.
my cats are getting used to the woman's backyard, even though spiffy almost died of depression and lack of jump. she was in the vacant backyard behind, and wouldnt come back over. apparently hadnt been drinking or eating for a bit. but she finally did get back over, without me going there. thinking about looking at her when she would potentially be dehydrated and glazed- over....im just glad i didnt have to deal with that. and if spiffy is dead and "a" lied to me, thats fine.
our God is big; and our confidence should be there.
and yet, we like all the little ideologies, little thoughts, little materialistic pretties, or big materialistic pretties...
im reading [ok, starting to read] the book Jesus+Nothing=Everything
and i have stopped reading after the first chapter. it poked at my desire to have a ministry. to have my life look quantifiable by the wonderful passion and ministry desires i have.
life is not about getting myself in the right ministry. about finding that fit. ive been so focused on that. my focus is wrong, and probably one of the ways im keeping myself futher from what God desires for me, is wanting so badly to be in some sort of action.
the childrens shelter
the desire to foster
the hope to bring women out of slavery and treafficking
all these things are idols
i must only see God. only want time with him. to find the love and joy and fulfillment THERE, FIRST.
after that all these great things can be true, and can be utilized to love well.
not having all my stuff around, has me mentally in a different place. theres a bit more fatigue, and i think thats because i dont have a good routine yet of daily things that need to happen [ like time w God, or how quickly i can exercise and cook and shower...just the little routines we get into].
not having a routine has been great in shedding light on how i live, what i do, why, all that. looking at even what my friends tend to eat, how they clean their apts...these little things make me step back , and wonder what is really important.
not being in my "own" apt/ place of abode has made me more desirous to have people around.
not having internet has brought forgetfulness about the people in my life~ oh, facebook is too much of a community crutch.
my cats are getting used to the woman's backyard, even though spiffy almost died of depression and lack of jump. she was in the vacant backyard behind, and wouldnt come back over. apparently hadnt been drinking or eating for a bit. but she finally did get back over, without me going there. thinking about looking at her when she would potentially be dehydrated and glazed- over....im just glad i didnt have to deal with that. and if spiffy is dead and "a" lied to me, thats fine.
29 April 2013
day second of vagrancy
it would take me a long time to recount all the perfection in the previous days, with timing, and moving things...so im not going to do it.
God is sufficient in taking care of our lives and the things that concern us.
i have wayyyyy too much stuff.
after my bed left, i slept on a beach/ lawn chair - it was actually quite comfortable. i slept soundly. my cats laid on my legs. that was a bit rough. they were really calm about me moving around and kicking them off. i think they knew something was up.
saturday was a memorial service for a co-workers' mom. i couldnt find it and there was traffic, and rain. i cried. crying also happened as i thought of my cats during church sunday. kara and jacqueline listened as i roundly condemned my crying as ridiculous. and then they reminded me it wasnt.
i dropped them off sunday early evening, and they were panting in stress...the lady that graciously offered to put them in her backyard is a bit more of a cat person than i, so i rested in the fact that she wont forget them. her daughter was excited about more animals. although we had to distinctly tell her that tiger- her own indoor, declawed cat- could in NO WAY go outside, no could mine go inside under any circumstances. my cats would beat her poor cat up.
::maybe they could be friends, if introductions were done right. but who's to know what kind of introduction that would be?::
samantha went with me. spiffy sharted on her shirt a bit. the mark of a true friend. i wouldve definitely flipped out a bit more.
i didnt cry. as i put the key in the lock for the last time at the apt, i had a twinge of weirdness. there would be no cats to greet me and be all annoyingly up in my business.
there will be no cat hair in my - well, everything.
i can vacuum my car, and no cat hair will be added.
maybe, in the future house, they could come back and stay in my back yard. but i am still praying for someone to love them fully and long- term.
im sitting on the couch that is also my bed for 3 nights. rearranged my stuff in the girls' apt so it would be less visually daunting. didnt really work.
i pray i can be a blessing and not just an added hindrance or someone else they have to take care of.
God is sufficient in taking care of our lives and the things that concern us.
i have wayyyyy too much stuff.
after my bed left, i slept on a beach/ lawn chair - it was actually quite comfortable. i slept soundly. my cats laid on my legs. that was a bit rough. they were really calm about me moving around and kicking them off. i think they knew something was up.
saturday was a memorial service for a co-workers' mom. i couldnt find it and there was traffic, and rain. i cried. crying also happened as i thought of my cats during church sunday. kara and jacqueline listened as i roundly condemned my crying as ridiculous. and then they reminded me it wasnt.
i dropped them off sunday early evening, and they were panting in stress...the lady that graciously offered to put them in her backyard is a bit more of a cat person than i, so i rested in the fact that she wont forget them. her daughter was excited about more animals. although we had to distinctly tell her that tiger- her own indoor, declawed cat- could in NO WAY go outside, no could mine go inside under any circumstances. my cats would beat her poor cat up.
::maybe they could be friends, if introductions were done right. but who's to know what kind of introduction that would be?::
samantha went with me. spiffy sharted on her shirt a bit. the mark of a true friend. i wouldve definitely flipped out a bit more.
i didnt cry. as i put the key in the lock for the last time at the apt, i had a twinge of weirdness. there would be no cats to greet me and be all annoyingly up in my business.
there will be no cat hair in my - well, everything.
i can vacuum my car, and no cat hair will be added.
maybe, in the future house, they could come back and stay in my back yard. but i am still praying for someone to love them fully and long- term.
im sitting on the couch that is also my bed for 3 nights. rearranged my stuff in the girls' apt so it would be less visually daunting. didnt really work.
i pray i can be a blessing and not just an added hindrance or someone else they have to take care of.
24 April 2013
day first of homeless [prefixe]
so, im not officially out on the streets, but so much movement today!! updated my license, address [for most things], and got my car updated, too.
the great thing, the way God works, is that i get a loner car for the day while my car gets its checkup. too bad our bodies cant work like that. you could go to the dr, but not really have to stay the whole time. let your body get the chemo while you go do errands.... thats a whole other discussion. and we're about "homelessness" right now. ::JENN- theres a picture of my foot down there. fyi::
GOD IS SO GOOD. this earlier-moving-than-expected leaves friday more open to see some dear friends that i thought i wouldnt have time for!!
i had flip out moments this morning after taking my car to get its check-up...i just was getting bombarded with all the to-do. i cried a bit, but it was very controlled and i focused on the God of my time and reminded myself [and asked him to remind me] that he knows all this stuff needs to get done, and he knows i need help. im still learning how to ask.
being afraid of the unknown, when we have so much resource, and ability to get to resources and pay for them, is actually really silly. my movement into vagrant home life has made me think of actual displaced people more, the refugees, the americans that get dealt a bad hand, either on their own or by a series of events--and im astounded that those of us with steady money and good support systems worry at all.
btw there are a ton of refugees in san antonio, and i can get you the hook up if you want to help with them. they need help in almost every area of life. like the needs of a student going to college; who also has no parents and doesnt know english [well, or sometimes at all].
sat with 2 girls today, and we are moving forward in looking at some rent houses together. pray that something in a perfect location will open up, and that we would rest in the fact that God's perfect might not be what we think perfect should be. ive missed going to see the kids at the childrens' shelter.
the great thing, the way God works, is that i get a loner car for the day while my car gets its checkup. too bad our bodies cant work like that. you could go to the dr, but not really have to stay the whole time. let your body get the chemo while you go do errands.... thats a whole other discussion. and we're about "homelessness" right now. ::JENN- theres a picture of my foot down there. fyi::
 |
| desk- its so cute! my table is gone. im sitting on one of my file boxes. im also using my ironing board and step ladder as tables. |
 |
| thats literally all thats in my living room. i'll be honest, theres something unsettling to me about an empty room. i feel like im going to be attacked. im not even kidding. i feel like someones going to break through the door and get me. and, whats strange- if the room was full, and the door open, or accidentally unlocked the whole night [which happens sometimes], im not as worried. oh, my psycho- logic. |
 |
| "bed"room. my bookshelf and bed left today, to find a more appreciative family.. cuban, to be exact. i guess i dont have enough spicyness. my "bed" is a lawn chair. its really empty in there. i might have to take some melatonin. or, maybe i will get under the chair, like the cats are doing! :-p |
 | |
| moving hazard- sorry if you dont like feet!! last night something was slightly in my path more than normal, and i kicked it. unsure if its just a bad bruise or a break. it felt weird today in my shoe. |
GOD IS SO GOOD. this earlier-moving-than-expected leaves friday more open to see some dear friends that i thought i wouldnt have time for!!
i had flip out moments this morning after taking my car to get its check-up...i just was getting bombarded with all the to-do. i cried a bit, but it was very controlled and i focused on the God of my time and reminded myself [and asked him to remind me] that he knows all this stuff needs to get done, and he knows i need help. im still learning how to ask.
being afraid of the unknown, when we have so much resource, and ability to get to resources and pay for them, is actually really silly. my movement into vagrant home life has made me think of actual displaced people more, the refugees, the americans that get dealt a bad hand, either on their own or by a series of events--and im astounded that those of us with steady money and good support systems worry at all.
btw there are a ton of refugees in san antonio, and i can get you the hook up if you want to help with them. they need help in almost every area of life. like the needs of a student going to college; who also has no parents and doesnt know english [well, or sometimes at all].
sat with 2 girls today, and we are moving forward in looking at some rent houses together. pray that something in a perfect location will open up, and that we would rest in the fact that God's perfect might not be what we think perfect should be. ive missed going to see the kids at the childrens' shelter.
23 April 2013
Vagrant. Vagabond.
i wish they didnt hold such negative connotation.
going from "normal" living conditions for 7 years to a more "free" living situation is actually a lot of work. part of the vagabond def is such= "having an uncertain or irregular course or direction."
yes. thats it.
if i knew what was going to turn up; if i knew for sure that a nice rent house was going to be in my near future, i mightve kept more of my things [maybe].
if i knew that God was somehow prepping me for moving, say, at least out of texas...i wouldve gotten rid of more things. if i knew children would be in my near future, i wouldve kept more of the childrens' books i had collected. as it is, last i knew they were sitting outside of a container for the Medina Childrens' Home.
my bed is definitely leaving this weekend, to be of better use to a cuban family. yes, better use. i think more than one person in a bed is "better use." besides, it was given me. i can just pass it along! my table and bookshelf were given as well. so they are going to be given again. there are some other pieces of furniture that im unsure about. this is the place where it would be most helpful for God to kinda let me know what the situation will be- i mean, i really love that all-wood, hand -carved end table! if im going to be living here for a while, id like to go ahead and keep it. its these types of thoughts that are making packing stressful.
BEAUTIFUL friends have offered their homes and space in their homes for me and my junk. it overwhelms me with love. having to take someone up on their offer- well, lest just say i wasnt fully aware of my aversion to asking for help, of really being needy in certain lights.
theres something about not having a place to live lined up....sounds irresponsible. sounds silly.
co-workers and friends will slap the label 'homeless' on me faster than anything. i like the "v" words better. because, i have a home. i have a place of rest. its in my church family, its in my soul, with the Lord being with me. im not homeless. im houseless. or at least i will be. it doesnt feel like a huge deal. im waiting for it to hit.part of me wants the waiting to take a long time, and [heh! well, "long time" translates to about 2 mo and more] it actually shocks me when i think that we could find something in a week or 2. that the roommate situation could be resolved tomorrow. kinda makes me sad.
a client of my dads has offered to take in my cats [into her backyard] and also offered me a room for free, if and whenever needed. God bless her.
going from "normal" living conditions for 7 years to a more "free" living situation is actually a lot of work. part of the vagabond def is such= "having an uncertain or irregular course or direction."
yes. thats it.
if i knew what was going to turn up; if i knew for sure that a nice rent house was going to be in my near future, i mightve kept more of my things [maybe].
if i knew that God was somehow prepping me for moving, say, at least out of texas...i wouldve gotten rid of more things. if i knew children would be in my near future, i wouldve kept more of the childrens' books i had collected. as it is, last i knew they were sitting outside of a container for the Medina Childrens' Home.
my bed is definitely leaving this weekend, to be of better use to a cuban family. yes, better use. i think more than one person in a bed is "better use." besides, it was given me. i can just pass it along! my table and bookshelf were given as well. so they are going to be given again. there are some other pieces of furniture that im unsure about. this is the place where it would be most helpful for God to kinda let me know what the situation will be- i mean, i really love that all-wood, hand -carved end table! if im going to be living here for a while, id like to go ahead and keep it. its these types of thoughts that are making packing stressful.
BEAUTIFUL friends have offered their homes and space in their homes for me and my junk. it overwhelms me with love. having to take someone up on their offer- well, lest just say i wasnt fully aware of my aversion to asking for help, of really being needy in certain lights.
theres something about not having a place to live lined up....sounds irresponsible. sounds silly.
co-workers and friends will slap the label 'homeless' on me faster than anything. i like the "v" words better. because, i have a home. i have a place of rest. its in my church family, its in my soul, with the Lord being with me. im not homeless. im houseless. or at least i will be. it doesnt feel like a huge deal. im waiting for it to hit.part of me wants the waiting to take a long time, and [heh! well, "long time" translates to about 2 mo and more] it actually shocks me when i think that we could find something in a week or 2. that the roommate situation could be resolved tomorrow. kinda makes me sad.
a client of my dads has offered to take in my cats [into her backyard] and also offered me a room for free, if and whenever needed. God bless her.
06 April 2013
look at me! im taking time during the day- morning, actually- to blog! SO WEIRD.
maybe i'll make more sense....:-P
this morning a great man and his wife ( with the kids in the truck) took away my broken dryer for *free* his name is raul maldonado, and hes a metal recycler. he said he might try and fix the washer and resell it, first. his # is 210 609 5824. they seem like a hard working family, and i remember the days my dad started out his own business. its hard work. it sometimes still is.
sometime soon, i will get a call, and the date will be set for my couch, bed, and table to leave me, among some other things. that will be the 12th or 19th. i kinda hope its the 19th, honestly. but, i think it will be next week because the refugee family that needs them has been here already for a month with no couch. i didnt hear their bed status, but they have 4 kids.
when i called sue to ask if i could use their address, she was all over it- even said i could use some of their space for storage, and have their home as a "basecamp" for me. that is such a sweet offer, and one that i will most likely take.i do want to live with some of my friends anyway, if possible. but knowing i have a place to rest. where its just a bit less transient.
i have to tell a story of yesterday! i went to sprint on blanco to get a problem fixed. they directed me to the one in the quarry. at the time, i needed to go down near the childrens shelter, to do my laundry and then go help with the kids. i went down blanco to cross over at fredricksburg...but the street was closed at fresno. close enough. took fresno, and thats where i saw the sign for the free appliance removal! so cool. then, at the launders, there was a lady reading the book God Still Speaks- but she also had a watchtower pamphlet in the chair next to her. i prayed that if she was a jehovahs witness that the book she was reading would show her truth, and get her questioning, and that God would send people to her to help guide with his spirit....and then i felt him say, you talk to her. its so weird, his quick, imperceptible ways. like a little flash. i fought him quietly and without much strength, and decided i would wait until i put my clothes in the dryer. i went to my car and got my reading stuff, and sat in the chair next to the watchtower.
turns out, shes a christian! her name is actually Christina, and she gave me her number. she is a newer believer, but very strong, and evil is fighting for her and her family. she has some jewish lineage- some of her grandfathers- and she has a daughter in law, or niece, who is [her term] "arabian." she mentioned that she loves languages and was looking up pharsee, because thats what this girls' native tongue is. also, she has some deaf people in her family, and her sister hadnt talked to her in years, but recently had her 2nd heart attack, and is talking to her and open about the LORD. she has been helping all of her family as much as she can and is trying to speak about Jesus to them at every point. there is some evil attacking because her family actually was involved in witchcraft, she herself remembers from as early as 6 yrs old seeing visions and what she now knows as evil. her nephew is starting to get attacked and doesnt want to stay in his own room- i think hes high school or college. and she mentioned some friend she is helping, and they have political connections (cant go into all her explaination- dont remember it well), and evil is in their house as well. her heart is for the church to speak more about the end times, that it is near and we must tell everyone in the opportunity we have. i was blessed and i hope to bless her through prayer, and i ask that you all join as well.
the kiddos were great, there were some that were really fussy and then a little one [month old] was drinking his bottle and it seemed like he had a seizure. so the worker took him to the ER- i didnt hear anything before i left. it scared the worker alot. ive had kids and adults have seizures in the dental chair, so it wasnt that odd to me. but i dont know the implications for an infant, and possibly needing to be on seizure meds. and if hes seizing while eating, he could aspirate on the formula.
there are about 3 or 4 toddlers there [all boys] that hate bath time. one of the workers said theres usually 1 all the time, but not this many at once. one was screaming so much, and then after he "toddled" over to me and i just held him. it was close to their bedtime, and so he dozed and napped in my arms. when i finally put him in his bed, the worker was telling me she usually has to sit right next to him for him to sleep- he has to see a person. but how can she do this, with 3 or 4 other children to watch? they werent ready to go to bed, and they are allowed some quiet playtime before. she had another little guy in another room, who never likes to play before bed. he goes striaght to his bed after bath. through all of the bathing time, i was singing to the other babies waiting for their baths, and singing to the boy in his bed while holding the other. i spoke to both the boys, letting them know they can go to sleep and they are not alone, and their teacher is just in the other room. they seemed content in their beds when i left. they need more volunteers throughout the week. these children just want to be touched, heard, known and enjoyed.
maybe i'll make more sense....:-P
this morning a great man and his wife ( with the kids in the truck) took away my broken dryer for *free* his name is raul maldonado, and hes a metal recycler. he said he might try and fix the washer and resell it, first. his # is 210 609 5824. they seem like a hard working family, and i remember the days my dad started out his own business. its hard work. it sometimes still is.
sometime soon, i will get a call, and the date will be set for my couch, bed, and table to leave me, among some other things. that will be the 12th or 19th. i kinda hope its the 19th, honestly. but, i think it will be next week because the refugee family that needs them has been here already for a month with no couch. i didnt hear their bed status, but they have 4 kids.
when i called sue to ask if i could use their address, she was all over it- even said i could use some of their space for storage, and have their home as a "basecamp" for me. that is such a sweet offer, and one that i will most likely take.i do want to live with some of my friends anyway, if possible. but knowing i have a place to rest. where its just a bit less transient.
i have to tell a story of yesterday! i went to sprint on blanco to get a problem fixed. they directed me to the one in the quarry. at the time, i needed to go down near the childrens shelter, to do my laundry and then go help with the kids. i went down blanco to cross over at fredricksburg...but the street was closed at fresno. close enough. took fresno, and thats where i saw the sign for the free appliance removal! so cool. then, at the launders, there was a lady reading the book God Still Speaks- but she also had a watchtower pamphlet in the chair next to her. i prayed that if she was a jehovahs witness that the book she was reading would show her truth, and get her questioning, and that God would send people to her to help guide with his spirit....and then i felt him say, you talk to her. its so weird, his quick, imperceptible ways. like a little flash. i fought him quietly and without much strength, and decided i would wait until i put my clothes in the dryer. i went to my car and got my reading stuff, and sat in the chair next to the watchtower.
turns out, shes a christian! her name is actually Christina, and she gave me her number. she is a newer believer, but very strong, and evil is fighting for her and her family. she has some jewish lineage- some of her grandfathers- and she has a daughter in law, or niece, who is [her term] "arabian." she mentioned that she loves languages and was looking up pharsee, because thats what this girls' native tongue is. also, she has some deaf people in her family, and her sister hadnt talked to her in years, but recently had her 2nd heart attack, and is talking to her and open about the LORD. she has been helping all of her family as much as she can and is trying to speak about Jesus to them at every point. there is some evil attacking because her family actually was involved in witchcraft, she herself remembers from as early as 6 yrs old seeing visions and what she now knows as evil. her nephew is starting to get attacked and doesnt want to stay in his own room- i think hes high school or college. and she mentioned some friend she is helping, and they have political connections (cant go into all her explaination- dont remember it well), and evil is in their house as well. her heart is for the church to speak more about the end times, that it is near and we must tell everyone in the opportunity we have. i was blessed and i hope to bless her through prayer, and i ask that you all join as well.
the kiddos were great, there were some that were really fussy and then a little one [month old] was drinking his bottle and it seemed like he had a seizure. so the worker took him to the ER- i didnt hear anything before i left. it scared the worker alot. ive had kids and adults have seizures in the dental chair, so it wasnt that odd to me. but i dont know the implications for an infant, and possibly needing to be on seizure meds. and if hes seizing while eating, he could aspirate on the formula.
there are about 3 or 4 toddlers there [all boys] that hate bath time. one of the workers said theres usually 1 all the time, but not this many at once. one was screaming so much, and then after he "toddled" over to me and i just held him. it was close to their bedtime, and so he dozed and napped in my arms. when i finally put him in his bed, the worker was telling me she usually has to sit right next to him for him to sleep- he has to see a person. but how can she do this, with 3 or 4 other children to watch? they werent ready to go to bed, and they are allowed some quiet playtime before. she had another little guy in another room, who never likes to play before bed. he goes striaght to his bed after bath. through all of the bathing time, i was singing to the other babies waiting for their baths, and singing to the boy in his bed while holding the other. i spoke to both the boys, letting them know they can go to sleep and they are not alone, and their teacher is just in the other room. they seemed content in their beds when i left. they need more volunteers throughout the week. these children just want to be touched, heard, known and enjoyed.
01 April 2013
i am going to be alright:)
ive been stressing and saving and trying not to buy things unnecessarily...
the taxing this year is not going to be too much! God has helped me be smart with my money- and ive still been able to enjoy myself! how deeply sweet is that, for God to love on me in that materialistic way?!
i can trust him. i CAN. and i am...slowly and surely. its a weird feeling. i still dont understand some parts of all this like i think i should.
[and can i just say, i have noticed more connectedness to him since i have been making more conscious decisions to not sin. i know that sounds really *duh*, but its so amazing. i know ive thought it before- does it really make a difference to stop doing that thing, does it really matter, really? the answer is yes. we get so used to sin. and we "dumb- down" the fact that he is HOLY, and cannot be around it. yes, Jesus covers and cleanses us. but once we know what is the best and what is not...Lord help us. we cant get away from it really, the way we'd like. keep us closer to you.
ive been stressing and saving and trying not to buy things unnecessarily...
the taxing this year is not going to be too much! God has helped me be smart with my money- and ive still been able to enjoy myself! how deeply sweet is that, for God to love on me in that materialistic way?!
i can trust him. i CAN. and i am...slowly and surely. its a weird feeling. i still dont understand some parts of all this like i think i should.
[and can i just say, i have noticed more connectedness to him since i have been making more conscious decisions to not sin. i know that sounds really *duh*, but its so amazing. i know ive thought it before- does it really make a difference to stop doing that thing, does it really matter, really? the answer is yes. we get so used to sin. and we "dumb- down" the fact that he is HOLY, and cannot be around it. yes, Jesus covers and cleanses us. but once we know what is the best and what is not...Lord help us. we cant get away from it really, the way we'd like. keep us closer to you.
27 March 2013
i have been super excited! moving, and not knowing the next step! feeling like im really paying attention to God, relying and trusting... and then it starts getting hard.
please dont miss the fact that i have been excited. its given me so much joy to really hear God, and trust and KNOW that i hear him and that he does speak to me , and guide me. i love that i have wanted to hear him, and been praying for just that, and asking others to pray for me as well.
the rubber's just gonna start hitting the road soon, and i will need to have some things done and some plans in place.
i wish there were someone physical beside me through all of these plans. i feel bad bothering one person, or 2 people, through all of this. i wish there was a tangible ear, just one, that could hear all the different parts and i wouldnt have to give a big prep story to. i hate feeling needy all the time. but this is where i am alot.
do i risk being the one that always needs help? im stepping into a season of constant asking and needing the grace of others. i think that might be stressing me out. to be at other peoples' mercy.
please dont miss the fact that i have been excited. its given me so much joy to really hear God, and trust and KNOW that i hear him and that he does speak to me , and guide me. i love that i have wanted to hear him, and been praying for just that, and asking others to pray for me as well.
the rubber's just gonna start hitting the road soon, and i will need to have some things done and some plans in place.
i wish there were someone physical beside me through all of these plans. i feel bad bothering one person, or 2 people, through all of this. i wish there was a tangible ear, just one, that could hear all the different parts and i wouldnt have to give a big prep story to. i hate feeling needy all the time. but this is where i am alot.
do i risk being the one that always needs help? im stepping into a season of constant asking and needing the grace of others. i think that might be stressing me out. to be at other peoples' mercy.
04 March 2013
revamped expectations
i think i do everyone a disservice when i blog so late in the day.
but if i didnt, it wouldnt get done, and then i would feel as if i had lost something, and that i had failed to give you something. strange. im just overwhelmed with wanting to tell people this story that is happening right now, this story of trust that feels small and huge at the same time.
at the beginning of this year, i boldly told many people that i was going to move into a rent house[ well, planning, and by Gods will- but humility was not forefront in my mind at the time.], and that i was going to have a great 30th birthday party.
enter needing 2000 $ for the IRS
enter lack of roommate opportunity in april - i can swing a house on my own
and so now we have waiting around until june at least for a house situation like i have in my brain to materialize, and saving saving saving , which means no big fun birthday spending.
and i was looking at my birthday week [i have taken off], thinking, great. i will have NO money, and no one to even really play with; what the heck am i going to do during the days!? i had planned on moving, and cleaning, and getting all house- y that week.
bitterness and jealousy and anger, all those things came up, not to mention disappointment in my own expectation that i tried to put on God. oh, yea, and there was the fear and worry about the money.
i cant explain all the ins and outs that God took me through, easily. or concisely.
suffice it to say, i understand in my heart, in my core, that we cannot add anything to our life by worry. my good God, and hopefully hes yours too, reminded me that he is a Father, jealously looking for ways to give good gifts to his children, and he tells us we will be full and complete, not lacking anything. i choose to know and rest in the fact that he will give me all i need. there isnt a lack of suffering, but the needs are fulfilled and my life in him is full and complete.
a couple people pushed me outside my box and recommended and hinted at asking God to give me the money---WHAT?! that was all tied with my not trusting his Father- hood toward me.
and the next 2 verses i pulled out of my cache to quasi- memorize were/ are:
"ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." matt 7:7
"honor the LORD with the firstfruits of your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine." prov. 3:9-10
i read these, pulled them out, right after hearing that maybe i CAN ask him to help me financially as i would ask my mom and dad. and then i realized ive never been that great at asking my parents for things/ time/ presence when i really feel in need. thats a side note.
im not bitter about what other people seem to acquire in life with such ease. i was- im not now. he removed the worry.. and i asked him to show me what my time off was going to look like. asked him to fill that week with good things.
so far, im planning on spending the night, AWAKE, at some point with jenny, since shes on nights.:-D
and, i just was asked to help decorate a car for the fiesta parade thats happening on my birthday! its for the childrens shelter!! im so stoked and scared. i want it to be awesome...
these next two weeks are going to be so busy, with spring break, a friend coming to visit, and all the "normal' life things that are planned. but i want to be present in them in a way that reflects where God has taken me, in trust, in rest, in joy.
but if i didnt, it wouldnt get done, and then i would feel as if i had lost something, and that i had failed to give you something. strange. im just overwhelmed with wanting to tell people this story that is happening right now, this story of trust that feels small and huge at the same time.
at the beginning of this year, i boldly told many people that i was going to move into a rent house[ well, planning, and by Gods will- but humility was not forefront in my mind at the time.], and that i was going to have a great 30th birthday party.
enter needing 2000 $ for the IRS
enter lack of roommate opportunity in april - i can swing a house on my own
and so now we have waiting around until june at least for a house situation like i have in my brain to materialize, and saving saving saving , which means no big fun birthday spending.
and i was looking at my birthday week [i have taken off], thinking, great. i will have NO money, and no one to even really play with; what the heck am i going to do during the days!? i had planned on moving, and cleaning, and getting all house- y that week.
bitterness and jealousy and anger, all those things came up, not to mention disappointment in my own expectation that i tried to put on God. oh, yea, and there was the fear and worry about the money.
i cant explain all the ins and outs that God took me through, easily. or concisely.
suffice it to say, i understand in my heart, in my core, that we cannot add anything to our life by worry. my good God, and hopefully hes yours too, reminded me that he is a Father, jealously looking for ways to give good gifts to his children, and he tells us we will be full and complete, not lacking anything. i choose to know and rest in the fact that he will give me all i need. there isnt a lack of suffering, but the needs are fulfilled and my life in him is full and complete.
a couple people pushed me outside my box and recommended and hinted at asking God to give me the money---WHAT?! that was all tied with my not trusting his Father- hood toward me.
and the next 2 verses i pulled out of my cache to quasi- memorize were/ are:
"ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." matt 7:7
"honor the LORD with the firstfruits of your wealth, with the firstfruits of all your crops; then your barns will be filled to overflowing, and your vats will brim over with new wine." prov. 3:9-10
i read these, pulled them out, right after hearing that maybe i CAN ask him to help me financially as i would ask my mom and dad. and then i realized ive never been that great at asking my parents for things/ time/ presence when i really feel in need. thats a side note.
im not bitter about what other people seem to acquire in life with such ease. i was- im not now. he removed the worry.. and i asked him to show me what my time off was going to look like. asked him to fill that week with good things.
so far, im planning on spending the night, AWAKE, at some point with jenny, since shes on nights.:-D
and, i just was asked to help decorate a car for the fiesta parade thats happening on my birthday! its for the childrens shelter!! im so stoked and scared. i want it to be awesome...
these next two weeks are going to be so busy, with spring break, a friend coming to visit, and all the "normal' life things that are planned. but i want to be present in them in a way that reflects where God has taken me, in trust, in rest, in joy.
06 February 2013
God is always good, and i dont always pay attention. that breeds all kinds of stuff. self-centered thinking, asking why bitterly [which ive found all has its roots in insecurity and distrust.], worrying about my next step...
the wondering that leaves me in the worst place and brings all this on, is when i look at how easily other peoples lives seem to work out. its like God is giving glimpses and they are trusting. or at least learning as they go. i think i get upset that it never feels like anything big happens to me.
::see this thinking? its spiraling already!::
God has my days. and he has the plan. my "risking muscles" need a bit more exercising, its true...hopefully that discipline will come this month. [the first thig on my "list " is to start really learning spanish]
side note on why this feels so hard. even though i am a very artistic, big picture person, i am also a very detail focused person, and i do like my tasks in life to be in boxes- when ones done, then the next one can happen. so with learning any language [ ive tried spanish, gaelic, and romanian- also kicked around the idea of hebrew], they never stuck, because i never MADE it happen. i sorta made it happen. i have this weird fear that if i learn a certain language, that means i will have to be in full time ministry to that people group. which is a big deal if you learn any of the last 3 on that list. requires a move and a culture change.
my mind needs to change to --i GET to minister to people. if knowing a language happens to facilitate ministering to certain people, good.
my other trust issue is the house. i looked again last night for a bit, and found only a few, and they are expensive. i do like that God isnt giving a plethora of good options right now, though. its forcing me to trust him. i can wait on him, it will be ok.
i also have a fear that i might have to move into one of my older single friends' house. that feels like moving back in with parents.
what im hoping for feels too big.
this morning i had off; going in for the afternoon. i am so thankful that God gave this break. i may be out a bit of money, but the rest it gives to my mind and soul is priceless.
thats where im at...and also looking at how im meant to be inviting at every aspect of life, to all people. from being inclusive to those in the body of believers that just rub me to wrong way. to extending the invitation to life consistently to those not in the family.
the wondering that leaves me in the worst place and brings all this on, is when i look at how easily other peoples lives seem to work out. its like God is giving glimpses and they are trusting. or at least learning as they go. i think i get upset that it never feels like anything big happens to me.
::see this thinking? its spiraling already!::
God has my days. and he has the plan. my "risking muscles" need a bit more exercising, its true...hopefully that discipline will come this month. [the first thig on my "list " is to start really learning spanish]
side note on why this feels so hard. even though i am a very artistic, big picture person, i am also a very detail focused person, and i do like my tasks in life to be in boxes- when ones done, then the next one can happen. so with learning any language [ ive tried spanish, gaelic, and romanian- also kicked around the idea of hebrew], they never stuck, because i never MADE it happen. i sorta made it happen. i have this weird fear that if i learn a certain language, that means i will have to be in full time ministry to that people group. which is a big deal if you learn any of the last 3 on that list. requires a move and a culture change.
my mind needs to change to --i GET to minister to people. if knowing a language happens to facilitate ministering to certain people, good.
my other trust issue is the house. i looked again last night for a bit, and found only a few, and they are expensive. i do like that God isnt giving a plethora of good options right now, though. its forcing me to trust him. i can wait on him, it will be ok.
i also have a fear that i might have to move into one of my older single friends' house. that feels like moving back in with parents.
what im hoping for feels too big.
this morning i had off; going in for the afternoon. i am so thankful that God gave this break. i may be out a bit of money, but the rest it gives to my mind and soul is priceless.
thats where im at...and also looking at how im meant to be inviting at every aspect of life, to all people. from being inclusive to those in the body of believers that just rub me to wrong way. to extending the invitation to life consistently to those not in the family.
17 January 2013
oh! yea. its um, the next year already! ::oops::
love it. i love that i have just been doin life and didnt give more than 5 thoughts to blogging. i just think thats neat
and just like that, with a new year, disciplines are falling into place.[ and just like that i somehow deleted about 3 lines that were typed after that. i guess its meant to be rephrased.]
im falling into joy with spending time with God. it doesnt look like much, but i want it all the time. not just some days.
and, ive been giving myself and others a break! being grateful IS such a great way to cultivate joy and love towards people! who woulda thought...oh yea, lots of people. well, it just takes me a while. [YOUVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I DID IT AGAIN! I HAD LIKE, 2 PARAS GOING]
maybe i need to strap my pinkie to the ring finger. i think its hitting the tab button, along with some string of other buttons. anyway. i am thankful for this apt, and what it has meant, and how i have grown here. oh. to be able to record all the thoughts that were thought here, all the tears, all the expectancy.
there has been alot of difficulty in this apt. way more tears than laughter.
ive danced less, and painted less than i wanted. but i have known more of God than ever. ive been afraid more, and stepped out more. ive been humbled more/ quieted more. gotten rid of more stuff. this is not at all what i had written previously and then deleted, btw. pretty cool. i wasnt even thinking in this strain before.
theres more that i could say, but it feels cheapened to type.
tomorrow im going to a continuing education course. its actually tomorrow and saturday. i kinda like going to these, even though while im there i could shoot something. i like going sleepy and in regular clothes [guys, i think i really do like being awake in the morning. but on my own terms. not for work.], and i kinda like how it makes me feel important. i dont know how a CE class accomplishes this. but i do. it feels adult-y.
::which btw i will be an OFFICIAL adult in april!! so excited. everyone subconsiously hands you a "legit adult certificate" in their mind when you tell them youre 30. theres respect::
one other thought, maybe 2. it depends.
some of my closer, older[as in we've known each other for a while] friends have recently unveiled their anticipation of my getting married. theyre ready for it to happen, it seems, just as much as [or more than!] me. it feels good to know people want good things for you, and are hoping and praying with you.
ok, yea, 2 things. the following is the 2nd.
ive been doing a friendship study with the people at the "mo"singles ministry, and am blown away by how much of a friend i am NOT. i wasnt expecting that. i had myself on a pretty good pedestal. i thought i understood friendship. and i do, to an extent. its just, i was placing friendship with God as if he were one of us. our friendship with him cannot be mutual- he is so much more and so much perfect. we are friends of God, hes called us friend, as the bible says, but its so crazy! thats why his love is so astounding. theres no way we can or should be able to be his friend. and hes figured this whole thing out where we can be close. its crazy intense and misunderstood and being learned [by me].
other news
eating more protein in the morning as a hope to more healthful living. the moment i tried to cut out more sugar is when i wanted it more. so i figured at least taking my sugary cereal out in the morning was a good start. i havent felt different though.
am learning to love my cats again after an intense time of hatred and wanting to get rid of them. i am still not opposed to getting rid of them.
im letting the orange one outside daily. he likes chewing on grass and staring at free, out door air. its way better than hearing him meow for no reason at all for HOURS. i think he has a brain problem, one that i potentially brought on. not really. maybe.
stretching WAY more than ever in my life- which equates to doing it about once a day for a few minutes, i think. my neck and arms get stretched the most. its what hurts the most. but im finally stretching!
i put some type of make up on every day now for work. i didnt used to be her. but shes ok.
kava kava tea is supposed to help you get sleepy...it doesnt feel like its working. but i am going to stop blathering and take the next phase of wind down.
enjoy tour friday the 18th of jan '13! its the only one you'll get! ::i'll be the one indoors all day, slowly becoming transparent from lack of sun, and nervous from ample coffee::
and just like that, with a new year, disciplines are falling into place.[ and just like that i somehow deleted about 3 lines that were typed after that. i guess its meant to be rephrased.]
im falling into joy with spending time with God. it doesnt look like much, but i want it all the time. not just some days.
and, ive been giving myself and others a break! being grateful IS such a great way to cultivate joy and love towards people! who woulda thought...oh yea, lots of people. well, it just takes me a while. [YOUVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I DID IT AGAIN! I HAD LIKE, 2 PARAS GOING]
maybe i need to strap my pinkie to the ring finger. i think its hitting the tab button, along with some string of other buttons. anyway. i am thankful for this apt, and what it has meant, and how i have grown here. oh. to be able to record all the thoughts that were thought here, all the tears, all the expectancy.
there has been alot of difficulty in this apt. way more tears than laughter.
ive danced less, and painted less than i wanted. but i have known more of God than ever. ive been afraid more, and stepped out more. ive been humbled more/ quieted more. gotten rid of more stuff. this is not at all what i had written previously and then deleted, btw. pretty cool. i wasnt even thinking in this strain before.
theres more that i could say, but it feels cheapened to type.
tomorrow im going to a continuing education course. its actually tomorrow and saturday. i kinda like going to these, even though while im there i could shoot something. i like going sleepy and in regular clothes [guys, i think i really do like being awake in the morning. but on my own terms. not for work.], and i kinda like how it makes me feel important. i dont know how a CE class accomplishes this. but i do. it feels adult-y.
::which btw i will be an OFFICIAL adult in april!! so excited. everyone subconsiously hands you a "legit adult certificate" in their mind when you tell them youre 30. theres respect::
one other thought, maybe 2. it depends.
some of my closer, older[as in we've known each other for a while] friends have recently unveiled their anticipation of my getting married. theyre ready for it to happen, it seems, just as much as [or more than!] me. it feels good to know people want good things for you, and are hoping and praying with you.
ok, yea, 2 things. the following is the 2nd.
ive been doing a friendship study with the people at the "mo"singles ministry, and am blown away by how much of a friend i am NOT. i wasnt expecting that. i had myself on a pretty good pedestal. i thought i understood friendship. and i do, to an extent. its just, i was placing friendship with God as if he were one of us. our friendship with him cannot be mutual- he is so much more and so much perfect. we are friends of God, hes called us friend, as the bible says, but its so crazy! thats why his love is so astounding. theres no way we can or should be able to be his friend. and hes figured this whole thing out where we can be close. its crazy intense and misunderstood and being learned [by me].
other news
eating more protein in the morning as a hope to more healthful living. the moment i tried to cut out more sugar is when i wanted it more. so i figured at least taking my sugary cereal out in the morning was a good start. i havent felt different though.
am learning to love my cats again after an intense time of hatred and wanting to get rid of them. i am still not opposed to getting rid of them.
im letting the orange one outside daily. he likes chewing on grass and staring at free, out door air. its way better than hearing him meow for no reason at all for HOURS. i think he has a brain problem, one that i potentially brought on. not really. maybe.
stretching WAY more than ever in my life- which equates to doing it about once a day for a few minutes, i think. my neck and arms get stretched the most. its what hurts the most. but im finally stretching!
i put some type of make up on every day now for work. i didnt used to be her. but shes ok.
kava kava tea is supposed to help you get sleepy...it doesnt feel like its working. but i am going to stop blathering and take the next phase of wind down.
enjoy tour friday the 18th of jan '13! its the only one you'll get! ::i'll be the one indoors all day, slowly becoming transparent from lack of sun, and nervous from ample coffee::
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