more heather saga. im sorry if this is getting boring. its my life and youre apparently reading it.

i stepped out into a scarey place today- let someone in on my load.
maybe some of its a burden i dont know....i think its just load. i have a hard time letting people hear my load.
loads feel unbearable when cast in lie's light. i hate lies. but when im in bad places, i cant hear anything else. i cant fully reiterate everything leading up to the breaking point, but suffice it to say, when someone who in the past has almost clamored for my attention then forgets to call me when we're supposed to have a lunch date to let me know shes with her family- ew. EW! and i not worth anything right now? this is the question that gets answered with a no in these moments.

my fragility keeps showing up. its like God wants to do something about my hardness. sheesh.

letting kk hold my tears today was hard, and loving. and im really starting to enjoy busting in on peoples family life. and just sitting, and soaking it in.

shout out- everybody, this is gonna get rocky, i can feel it. if youd like to stay in the canoe [yes, we're in a friendcanoe. the ship was pirated], hold on.

"im ready, promotion..."- spongebob squarepants

ive been sleeping a lot lately. this is the first day in a few that i am waking up earlier than 10 30. i wonder if im just catching up, or if im finally releasing some tension and maybe im stressed out about moving and all the things i need to do. the excitement has to be factored in too. enjoying pedersen company in the pedersen home was insightful to me. the words fell out of my mouth that i didnt want to come back to the apt, it was disorganized, boxy, and depressing. :(
im so hoping for my next apt to be homey. for my self to feel settled in this place. i wonder, would i have started to feel that more in this apt if id just decided to stay here and not have my roommate here? are there too many memories that are so broad in content that theres not a good basis for a feeling of settledness?
im just talking all this out for the sake of getting it out. i havent felt good purpose here except for my job. its hard wanting to be a part of more that sits where your heart cry is, and not finding it. im excited about having that now, having more of those places in my heart be utilized. im expectant for feeling settled in the knowing that im a part of something that fills my heart and empties it well all at the same time.

all of my thoughts so far this weekend.

tis funny, lots of people have been mentioning home.

im in corpus, where my family lives, and i am struck by how it doesnt feel like home anymore.

i was talking about a certain store, and my mom was like, what?

i repiled, yea, its on bandera! [after she had already wondered if i was indeed talking about a place in cc]

i had to ask my fam again and again how to get to certain destinations here. im forgetting the street names, and not just automatically able to drive "with my eyes closed"

this is a weird sensation- losing automatic reflexes.

it makes me kinda sad.

my parents house still feels like home, and the beach. i totally relax here. makes me wonder why im tense in sa-town.

what makes me tense....? im hoping moving will help me relax. theres an element of living w/ r that tenses me, i think. stress of work, and thinking about moving.

also, starting my budget and feeling more adult makes me stressed.

theres an element of having the shattered part of my dream where id be married and doing adult things with my husband that makes me stressed. nuf about That man. no more talk about him this post. ::maybe::

i was struck with a thought today, leaving me a little bruised and bewildered.

i do things only half- assed. which is kinda weird, considering i FEEL like i am all out to alot of people. even fooling myself.

i have dreams id like to live in. one being, creating more- allowing more of my art out of me.

ill get on some kind of artsy wagon for a while, and then fall off. and not get back on. i did this with wire. right when alot of wire art started coming out, i saw some, and totally was making stuff. it was okay. wire art is time consuming. and my family was very vocal about how good it was and that i could maybe sell it. i stopped. one, i think i didnt want to start having to do it for money. it wouldve felt that way to me. another, more sinister whisper crops up, though, that im presently acknowledging. i didnt like being praised.

:(

i still dont. i had a shame cow of anger and helplessness when shelley had hung my painting on the living room wall while i was away in rom.

i have to get just an overwhelming unbearable-ness for me to even step into a process of creating. "heather, love yourself and worship! take time to rest in bringing out life!"

[thank you, HS]

"no problem, thats one reason i hang around. we both deserve your life abundant. you, to not be all constipated, and Me, to get glory."

[oh. yea.]

im stuck by my circumstances. im blaming most of my problems on r.which is horrible. when i got into a painting mode last time, she got in one too. since im going to be doing bible clubs with kids at my new apt, it seems like she is wanting that too now- she told me the place shes moving to, when she went there, has alot of kids and she felt God was showing her that she should be there for them. she even mentioned doing a bible club. that made me mad.

so, it makes me mad. i start something for myself, and someone else always comes along and seems to do it better, or get excited about a similar thing for themselves, and i suddenly become disinterested.

this is so shitty! i love children and im excited about moving, but ive allowed the joy of it to be ripped away by someones words and plans.

i hate comparing myself. i hate comparing myself to myself. a friend sent a possible internship opportunity my way- an AWESOME one. and it breaks my heart that i cant do it. it makes me feel little, and less, that im not "doing " something "huge." i still toy with the idea, almost daily, of quitting and selling alot of my stuff and working out something with volvo, and going to nevada. for 3 months. and God gently reminds me that hes got me on a budget, and that weve been talking and walking through being dependable and practical[ aka "boring" in my mind]

i still wonder if ive missed something. is this what youve sung over me? i dont quite get the tempo, and you know how good i am at harmonizing....

uh, i am going to bring up "guy stuff" again. sorry. and this is the last thing on my mind, theres nothing more after this- i think. im fighting placing qualifying statements before and after. and i dont care if qualifying is the right word or not, and im sorry if youre getting hung up on that and dont quite understand what i mean by that statement because of it. get over it.

i have felt more and more unworthy and inadequate than ever before. it just keeps growing. i dont feel like im good enough to be the wife of someone wonderful. people always make comments about my standards being really high and i ll be the first to agree. when ive been faced with wonderful men, i immediately take myself out of the line up. they have so many other amazing women to pick from.

im weirding out- the more time i try to set up for myself, the more it runs away. and i feel really selfish recently when ive said no to other things that ive wanted and done something ive really wanted/ needed.
i must really not understand God, cuz ill start doing/ being a new way, thinking, ok, this is what it is- and then theres this being blindsided with something totally new.
lets not be so vague, heather.
ok.
this week i made a point to have time with Jesus and his Other Thirds. [hehehehe!]
it was/ is great. i dont know why he allows this "if- then" stuff, it feels so conditional......
but i made the time, and i was totally having a great week! i guess i could say i am. ive been in good attitude places at work and hes given me grace and knowledge with the kids.

and then, i read some blogs, and all of a sudden, im being reminded of more. theres more. im ok where im growing, but not. i want more. and its frustrating, this dang time thing we live in. more means more time is needed. i cant do/abide in/ be more on the same time frame that im holding.

being alone after spending a whole day in matters of the heart with lovely women and gooodfood is almost nauseating.
being really quiet and not wanting to interact with God, but wanting it, after about an hour in the trenches with Him today- feels weird. disconnected but close.
knowing my constant deep grief about the same things doesnt wear God out- feels good. restful. he honors my tears when i come to him with them. hes patient to keep speaking the truth to me. knowing he doesnt get exasperated like i do, knowing that he isnt just hoping i' ll finally deal with it and get over it, knowing that he wants me to hold my hands open,and will keep his hands open to me- [the reaction to that is silent]
my heart is full and i long to share it.