good bye, apartment living [ at least for a year].
theres a weird nostalgia to it all. doing something grown up? --like all the other things ive done arent! :-P
its more than feeling grown. its feeling permanent.
which is funny.
how appropriate= finally when i'm in a house, which would seem the time to buy more permanent home fixtures, i'm reminding myself that i might go to a different country after this, so to not make any frivolous purchases.
enter air mattress sleeping for an indefinite amount of time.
there are some things that are needed, like a decent table and chairs, and maybe a desk. id like to have a tiny desk. and, probably a couch.
my heart is full with thinking of ministry possibilities. not how to minister, but all the prep of what it means to leave the country i have known, with its way of running and way of interacting, and the thought of not being able to take much with me, wherever i go.
last thought: im going to still be living out of my backpack. it will feel weird to not have my underwear in the front pouch, and my clothes rolled up in the big compartment...so i am going to just leave my way of doing things until i get settled. so all my bathroom stuff is going to stay in their assigned bags, until appropriate homes come about.
29 July 2013
26 July 2013
i have a house!!!
....its not completely final. we will be signing after church on sunday, though!!
i am thankful.
im so excited. i have to keep reminding myself its only for a year, most likely, and to not try and look into replacing the carpet or painting the walls. [ i am going to push for installing a ceiling fan with light kit for above the "dining area" - those low- hanging lights are ridiculous, and they make you put your table right in that spot. so assuming.].
may God be blessed, because i was not thankful or excited after seeing this house, putting the app in, and for a few days after.
i dunno if "you" remember, but a few posts ago i had a thought that all the peace surrounding me, may be gone after a time, and i was sad at that thought.
well, about the time that we sent the app in, the peace and such did leave, and ive had to work now to remember the goodness of God, and be ok with the fact that things wont feel or be perfect.
im so ready to designate "places" for things.
this house will be a house of prayer.
God keeps reminding me that he wants me to be praying. and ive been doing it. im excited to look into creating a little prayer spot in the teeny back yard, and also to make my room a haven, a "no-crazy" zone. we'll see how that goes. [hahah! if i keep myself out of the room....]
going overseas has been on my mind ALOT
ive been asking God to check my motives, and to tell me where i should be. i dont want to get tunnel vision and think that since he made this desire grow in me, that i HAVE to go overseas, and completely rule out doing full time ministry here. i dont want to be closed toward him- i know he has thoughts he doesnt tell us sometimes, and lets us think other things for a while.
before i can do anything, here or "there," i might need to go back to school. earlier when i was looking into the possibility, it didnt seem like the thing to jump into, since there was not a specific end goal, with a specific ministry. once i am led to the ministry, i think i will be able to jump into school easily.
the work might be a different story.
jon was helping me create a letter and a resume, to send to JV, and i saw my lack of composing ability in unforgiving fluorescent. ive been out of school a looong time.
today i started reading The Nature of Space and Time by Hawking and Penrose. i dont know enough of math and science to understand this book, but i underlined the things in the first chapter i dont know, and am going to research. And, im excited about my other new book, There is a God by former athiest Antony Flew.
thats all.
i am thankful.
im so excited. i have to keep reminding myself its only for a year, most likely, and to not try and look into replacing the carpet or painting the walls. [ i am going to push for installing a ceiling fan with light kit for above the "dining area" - those low- hanging lights are ridiculous, and they make you put your table right in that spot. so assuming.].
may God be blessed, because i was not thankful or excited after seeing this house, putting the app in, and for a few days after.
i dunno if "you" remember, but a few posts ago i had a thought that all the peace surrounding me, may be gone after a time, and i was sad at that thought.
well, about the time that we sent the app in, the peace and such did leave, and ive had to work now to remember the goodness of God, and be ok with the fact that things wont feel or be perfect.
im so ready to designate "places" for things.
this house will be a house of prayer.
God keeps reminding me that he wants me to be praying. and ive been doing it. im excited to look into creating a little prayer spot in the teeny back yard, and also to make my room a haven, a "no-crazy" zone. we'll see how that goes. [hahah! if i keep myself out of the room....]
going overseas has been on my mind ALOT
ive been asking God to check my motives, and to tell me where i should be. i dont want to get tunnel vision and think that since he made this desire grow in me, that i HAVE to go overseas, and completely rule out doing full time ministry here. i dont want to be closed toward him- i know he has thoughts he doesnt tell us sometimes, and lets us think other things for a while.
before i can do anything, here or "there," i might need to go back to school. earlier when i was looking into the possibility, it didnt seem like the thing to jump into, since there was not a specific end goal, with a specific ministry. once i am led to the ministry, i think i will be able to jump into school easily.
the work might be a different story.
jon was helping me create a letter and a resume, to send to JV, and i saw my lack of composing ability in unforgiving fluorescent. ive been out of school a looong time.
today i started reading The Nature of Space and Time by Hawking and Penrose. i dont know enough of math and science to understand this book, but i underlined the things in the first chapter i dont know, and am going to research. And, im excited about my other new book, There is a God by former athiest Antony Flew.
thats all.
23 July 2013
kate, tabby, and i had a little bit of a rollercoaster with the house stuff. Dear tomorrow, please tell me we have this one.
when i say little, it was little. we put in an app for one house, and didnt get it. people are cutthroat. esp about houses right now. its ridiculous. and i always misspell that word.
the house we are *probably* going to get is WAY smaller than i wanted- the rooms and bathrooms are small. everything else is fine. i guess the smallness doesnt matter too much; we dont have very much combined furniture, and i have the most. half of my furniture is gone. maybe more than half.
im listening to sarah brightman, and realize its not as soothing as id hoped. bye, sarah. i need some hipster singing.
mumford and sons!
ive had alot of emotions today; some of that was just stress, and i miraculously havent been really stressed in a long time, so it was a very distressing feeling for me. i would rather not. i kept trying to just calm myself down and talk it all through with God. it took me crying 2x and getting really mad at another driver in the heb parking lot, to get over it. i hope he was a christian and it didnt ruin his night.
i have this sneaking suspicion that he is a christian, and that he prayed for me right after. cuz i felt -- prayed for.
i told one of my bosses today that im kinda set on leaving, and am looking into overseas missions. she was really supportive, and reminded me that they will support my decision. im gonna try to catch the other dr tomorrow. shes harder to catch. the one probably told the other already anyway. which would be great. sometimes i think she needs a heads up. or, actually, i need prep to talk to her sometimes. shes so antsy.
theres so many things swirling in my head. address change, getting car reg.renewal sent in time, go to sprint, go to store, get some cleaning supplies and such from riends' house, plan the move, plan a party, keep in prayer, sleep on the floor the right way so my neck wont hurt, find a good answer to give people who have a problem with me sleeping on the floor, make a list of things the new house is going to need, find out what to do with my cats, keep doing rodan + fields, get a washer and dryer, some furniture, and recover my chair. get braces, go to the doctor, take my car to the doctor too. stay present with people at church and friends, stay kind to coworkers.
ive been having such an easy time loving people at wok lately, and i had a "normal" day today, where i got a little stressed. it showed toward some of my co workers. that made me mad at myself. i totally was being unnecessary and unprofessional.
people wont like me all the time.
i thought of this as i was coming back from walking from dairy queen. midnight truffle. yes.
i was walking into the complex, and this is the 3rd or 4th time ive noticed-- the asians in this complex cross to the other side of the street as they pass me. maybe im being paranoid.
when i say little, it was little. we put in an app for one house, and didnt get it. people are cutthroat. esp about houses right now. its ridiculous. and i always misspell that word.
the house we are *probably* going to get is WAY smaller than i wanted- the rooms and bathrooms are small. everything else is fine. i guess the smallness doesnt matter too much; we dont have very much combined furniture, and i have the most. half of my furniture is gone. maybe more than half.
im listening to sarah brightman, and realize its not as soothing as id hoped. bye, sarah. i need some hipster singing.
mumford and sons!
ive had alot of emotions today; some of that was just stress, and i miraculously havent been really stressed in a long time, so it was a very distressing feeling for me. i would rather not. i kept trying to just calm myself down and talk it all through with God. it took me crying 2x and getting really mad at another driver in the heb parking lot, to get over it. i hope he was a christian and it didnt ruin his night.
i have this sneaking suspicion that he is a christian, and that he prayed for me right after. cuz i felt -- prayed for.
i told one of my bosses today that im kinda set on leaving, and am looking into overseas missions. she was really supportive, and reminded me that they will support my decision. im gonna try to catch the other dr tomorrow. shes harder to catch. the one probably told the other already anyway. which would be great. sometimes i think she needs a heads up. or, actually, i need prep to talk to her sometimes. shes so antsy.
theres so many things swirling in my head. address change, getting car reg.renewal sent in time, go to sprint, go to store, get some cleaning supplies and such from riends' house, plan the move, plan a party, keep in prayer, sleep on the floor the right way so my neck wont hurt, find a good answer to give people who have a problem with me sleeping on the floor, make a list of things the new house is going to need, find out what to do with my cats, keep doing rodan + fields, get a washer and dryer, some furniture, and recover my chair. get braces, go to the doctor, take my car to the doctor too. stay present with people at church and friends, stay kind to coworkers.
ive been having such an easy time loving people at wok lately, and i had a "normal" day today, where i got a little stressed. it showed toward some of my co workers. that made me mad at myself. i totally was being unnecessary and unprofessional.
people wont like me all the time.
i thought of this as i was coming back from walking from dairy queen. midnight truffle. yes.
i was walking into the complex, and this is the 3rd or 4th time ive noticed-- the asians in this complex cross to the other side of the street as they pass me. maybe im being paranoid.
16 July 2013
currently feeling inadequate and wondering "why me?"
i dont have any skill set that is easily measured and written down/ understood in a few sentences.
there is nothing about my scholastic background that says "fit for full-time ministry overseas."
in thinking about writing up this story for jv, im hit smack between my eyes- im nothing. everything i write sounds silly and unwanted.
and i legitimately wonder, why cant i do these things i want to do, here? there are hurting people and hurting youth and children in america. i am part of alot of volunteer things that are great. but i lack time. and i cant just ask people here to fund me in ministry full- time, to not work just so i can interact with people on a level that just looks like plain old relationship. its frustrating and i feel stuck. i feel like however much i have tried and will try to make it into something that feels big enough to hold all of how i want to impact people, nothing will change.
that i'll have to turn back to my job in hygiene. that i'll just keep having to eke out the small, unsatisfying "satisfactions" that i can find in my day in, day out interactions.
i read something by henri nouwen about living small and humble, and having that be enough. he was speaking in regards to le arc [the ark], where mentally handicapped people live.
but even then, the people that are working there have a passion to love those they are serving. they are fulfilled in that. they know God has placed them there to do that. i dont know where i am supposed to be. and its hurting me in my core. havent i waited enough? yes, im scared to possibly go back to school if needed. i wouldnt even know what would be best suited, because i dont know what to focus on. yes, im a little scared of living full time in a different country. just because its unknown, and id have to learn a language. i dont mind taking all this time if i have a focus. but my focus never stays on one thing, i cant seem to find joy in just one thing.
many people would cite that i love children - yes. but there are still so many avenues to take, so many needs. all the other problems and such that arise in people's lives can be lessened or avoided by pouring into them when they are younger.
i dont have any skill set that is easily measured and written down/ understood in a few sentences.
there is nothing about my scholastic background that says "fit for full-time ministry overseas."
in thinking about writing up this story for jv, im hit smack between my eyes- im nothing. everything i write sounds silly and unwanted.
and i legitimately wonder, why cant i do these things i want to do, here? there are hurting people and hurting youth and children in america. i am part of alot of volunteer things that are great. but i lack time. and i cant just ask people here to fund me in ministry full- time, to not work just so i can interact with people on a level that just looks like plain old relationship. its frustrating and i feel stuck. i feel like however much i have tried and will try to make it into something that feels big enough to hold all of how i want to impact people, nothing will change.
that i'll have to turn back to my job in hygiene. that i'll just keep having to eke out the small, unsatisfying "satisfactions" that i can find in my day in, day out interactions.
i read something by henri nouwen about living small and humble, and having that be enough. he was speaking in regards to le arc [the ark], where mentally handicapped people live.
but even then, the people that are working there have a passion to love those they are serving. they are fulfilled in that. they know God has placed them there to do that. i dont know where i am supposed to be. and its hurting me in my core. havent i waited enough? yes, im scared to possibly go back to school if needed. i wouldnt even know what would be best suited, because i dont know what to focus on. yes, im a little scared of living full time in a different country. just because its unknown, and id have to learn a language. i dont mind taking all this time if i have a focus. but my focus never stays on one thing, i cant seem to find joy in just one thing.
many people would cite that i love children - yes. but there are still so many avenues to take, so many needs. all the other problems and such that arise in people's lives can be lessened or avoided by pouring into them when they are younger.
14 July 2013
the last hobo home!
im in my roommate kate's apt. yay! she and i both have very little at this point. i feel super minimalist.
i think these last 2 weeks of july are going to go by very fast, but not smoothly, and i think i will get stressed out. i think i will forget alot and frustrate myself by not slowing down and thinking things through. i think i will be tired. im tired right now.
ok, now that all thats over with-- Gods gonna be right by my side, so we're ok. i am going to love finding a house, and how interesting it will be to do that paperwork! :)
im pretty sure im on some kind of autopilot right now; im having a hard time chatting with people and staying focused.
through all the moving, i find time with God is just different in the different settings, depending if i can pray out loud or not, if theres a place to sit kinda secluded, or if i have to stay on my bed...theres alot of factors. im not quite sure of myself even, of how i like it the best, and what leaves me most focused. but i do know i need more time. the only way i can think to do that right now is to wake up earlier...which means about 5. i never thought i would be that person. i also never thought i would enjoy living out of a backpack as much as i have
[ ok, so i have a couple other bags too].
im going to sleep now.
even though i was tired through most of this day and feeling weird, im grateful for this apt, and this desk that i can use, a bathroom to myself as kate and i are getting used to each other, and the makeshift bed of a lawn chair and a cushion. its quite wonderful actually.
i smell like baby powder right now, and have NO idea why. goodbye.
im in my roommate kate's apt. yay! she and i both have very little at this point. i feel super minimalist.
i think these last 2 weeks of july are going to go by very fast, but not smoothly, and i think i will get stressed out. i think i will forget alot and frustrate myself by not slowing down and thinking things through. i think i will be tired. im tired right now.
ok, now that all thats over with-- Gods gonna be right by my side, so we're ok. i am going to love finding a house, and how interesting it will be to do that paperwork! :)
im pretty sure im on some kind of autopilot right now; im having a hard time chatting with people and staying focused.
through all the moving, i find time with God is just different in the different settings, depending if i can pray out loud or not, if theres a place to sit kinda secluded, or if i have to stay on my bed...theres alot of factors. im not quite sure of myself even, of how i like it the best, and what leaves me most focused. but i do know i need more time. the only way i can think to do that right now is to wake up earlier...which means about 5. i never thought i would be that person. i also never thought i would enjoy living out of a backpack as much as i have
[ ok, so i have a couple other bags too].
im going to sleep now.
even though i was tired through most of this day and feeling weird, im grateful for this apt, and this desk that i can use, a bathroom to myself as kate and i are getting used to each other, and the makeshift bed of a lawn chair and a cushion. its quite wonderful actually.
i smell like baby powder right now, and have NO idea why. goodbye.
06 July 2013
weekend of freedom...
obviously we celebrated our nations freedom from oppressive rule this weekend. i could go on a political diatribe, but the heart and home implications are stronger.
personally, i was reminded of the freedom i have to be made small, that i can become small and humble for others. i talked through my own personal wanderings about the future w basically all of my family, and my dads advice was the loudest [actually, the only voiced straightforward advice given. everyone else said theyd be praying w me]- "jump into the deep end" - what does that mean? im not getting the allegory. -" do whatever scares you the most." (-well, both of them do. my fear is across the board. its moving into the joy and depth of my heart for service without my husband. God has known this for some time, and has been patient with my lies to myself.)
havent been home since Christmas, i think. and then my brother gets in jail and has a court date, so he is now at home waiting that. i dont care about that part. its fruit of the heart, and so what the root of this is, is worse than the outcome. he has decided God is not for him, after seemingly knowing the Lord fairly well. or at least making a really great fake of it all.
there was alot of support for my parents in going, and also for me. i got to talk individually with my mom, dad and grandma. also txted w my brother for a bit, right before i left, and i think that was good. mostly just hoping he heard that we care about him and love him, regardless of what he feels now about God. right now hes allowing the label of "felon" to define him.
theres some sort of evil, some sort of oppression ive never been able to put my finger on , that is over cc. right when i am leaving i am able to pray strongly and fully for all that is on my heart while i am there. and of course everyone knows the best prayers are the ones in your car:)
i tend to radio surf the most on the way down and up from cc. i came across this song. i have no idea how old or new it is. ive never heard it. kinda wonder how much of this is personally resonating with me as well.
my brothers' response to this was "cheesey"
maybe(esp now that i watched this video, i agree. just the song by itself is fine), but my heart is there.
brave
i remember the little boy in the superman cape.
this is me grieving the loss of someone i thought i knew.
and, the start of knowing him now.
personally, i was reminded of the freedom i have to be made small, that i can become small and humble for others. i talked through my own personal wanderings about the future w basically all of my family, and my dads advice was the loudest [actually, the only voiced straightforward advice given. everyone else said theyd be praying w me]- "jump into the deep end" - what does that mean? im not getting the allegory. -" do whatever scares you the most." (-well, both of them do. my fear is across the board. its moving into the joy and depth of my heart for service without my husband. God has known this for some time, and has been patient with my lies to myself.)
havent been home since Christmas, i think. and then my brother gets in jail and has a court date, so he is now at home waiting that. i dont care about that part. its fruit of the heart, and so what the root of this is, is worse than the outcome. he has decided God is not for him, after seemingly knowing the Lord fairly well. or at least making a really great fake of it all.
there was alot of support for my parents in going, and also for me. i got to talk individually with my mom, dad and grandma. also txted w my brother for a bit, right before i left, and i think that was good. mostly just hoping he heard that we care about him and love him, regardless of what he feels now about God. right now hes allowing the label of "felon" to define him.
theres some sort of evil, some sort of oppression ive never been able to put my finger on , that is over cc. right when i am leaving i am able to pray strongly and fully for all that is on my heart while i am there. and of course everyone knows the best prayers are the ones in your car:)
i tend to radio surf the most on the way down and up from cc. i came across this song. i have no idea how old or new it is. ive never heard it. kinda wonder how much of this is personally resonating with me as well.
my brothers' response to this was "cheesey"
maybe(esp now that i watched this video, i agree. just the song by itself is fine), but my heart is there.
brave
i remember the little boy in the superman cape.
this is me grieving the loss of someone i thought i knew.
and, the start of knowing him now.
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