tonight as i became anxious about fasting, i wondered at who ive become. ::im not fasting btw. i asked God to give me sort of a game plan. im too worried about starving this little frame::
i didnt used to be a worrier. i was a truster. i was a believer. i was a hoper.
2 things.
i need to build up to them; it feels weird to just blurt it out.
so, i was at work, and one of the drs is big on visualization. i dont think shes weird; i really believe theres something to that- calling things that arent, as though they are. God does that with us.
it hit my heart like lightening- im not believing that God is going to give me my husband. i go through these periods of time....recently its been really long. and being married seems to slip further and further away. today i changed my mind. i am married,. i just dont know yet to whom. i prayed specifically for him today, with love. hadnt done that in a while.
second thing is this. my trust of people was blown out of the water before i moved to san antonio. theres a link there to trusting God as well.
God gives a great friend; one who understands me. i dont feel so oddball anymore.
she consistently sets me up and pulls the rug out from under me.
i keep believing that theres more to her. reality to her. i see enough of it to keep going. keep fighting.
i keep getting hurt, and making the decision to hurt myself.
takeaway= God will give you something GREAT and it will destroy you. it wont really be great.
so i walked away from that thinking i have to not just rest and sit back and receive from God, but that i need to be watching and trying to find the people and things that are safe.
30 October 2012
Guatemala Update
Hello all!
thank you for taking the time to read this.
my preparation for the dental mission trip has been alot of prayer and handing things over to God in prayer when i start getting anxious. ive never been so anxious before, not that i can remember. i keep hearing random things about guatemala.
pray for my mind to be focused on the people i am going for, and the people i am going with.
please ask with me- for selflessness. i tend to want to make things all about me, and how is this going to impact me?
pray for unity of the team, and obviously good communication. mostly coming from me. i tend to not communicate well.[ not for lack of trying.]
please ask that we would be able to go in full health. i have allergies, and theres no infection, thank God. but it really would be annoying to have to blow my nose while trying to do these other things.
Gods teaching me rest this year, more than other years, and i am having a difficult time currently trying to balance doing what needs to be done for the trip, and taking calming breaks. also, i have a tendency to want to have all my EVERYTHING situated here before i go away on any trip. even when it doesnt need to be touched yet.
God mentioned fasting to me, as lined out in isaiah 58, and i have no idea what to do with that information. im scared to fast; i feel like its not safe for me to skip food. but hes telling me something here. so, that if im fasting, i would do it with wisdom and peace. and if it is for another reason, that i would hear that clearly. but i think hes telling me to fast.
thank you so much for your prayers
thank you for taking the time to read this.
my preparation for the dental mission trip has been alot of prayer and handing things over to God in prayer when i start getting anxious. ive never been so anxious before, not that i can remember. i keep hearing random things about guatemala.
pray for my mind to be focused on the people i am going for, and the people i am going with.
please ask with me- for selflessness. i tend to want to make things all about me, and how is this going to impact me?
pray for unity of the team, and obviously good communication. mostly coming from me. i tend to not communicate well.[ not for lack of trying.]
please ask that we would be able to go in full health. i have allergies, and theres no infection, thank God. but it really would be annoying to have to blow my nose while trying to do these other things.
Gods teaching me rest this year, more than other years, and i am having a difficult time currently trying to balance doing what needs to be done for the trip, and taking calming breaks. also, i have a tendency to want to have all my EVERYTHING situated here before i go away on any trip. even when it doesnt need to be touched yet.
God mentioned fasting to me, as lined out in isaiah 58, and i have no idea what to do with that information. im scared to fast; i feel like its not safe for me to skip food. but hes telling me something here. so, that if im fasting, i would do it with wisdom and peace. and if it is for another reason, that i would hear that clearly. but i think hes telling me to fast.
thank you so much for your prayers
26 October 2012
trying
the last post was meant to help me relax. it didnt. i thought by maybe getting things out of my head, that i would find some rest. rest is only found in God for me. and that even furtively. im trying to understand how this peace that passes understanding works. im trying to hear God. the more i try, the harder it gets. and then im riddled with self- doubt, wondering if ive made the right decision.
some errands needed to get done. i wanted to print some stuff out, support letters and pics of me to send to the kids i support, mostly. voting.ironing.
i made the choice to stay home from the childrens shelter today. i have cried significantly since then, wondering if that was me being selfish.
i went to volvo this morning, got a check up out of the way. volvo always takes so long. i get there at 7 30 and almost always never leave until lunchtime. i think once i left at 10 30, and was shocked.its never under 200$ either. i have hydraulic fluid slowly leaking, and its just going to have to wait, because it ends up i had to give the church 300$ more for the trip than what i was originally told. i guess the support raising hasnt been going so well.
it was torrential as i was leaving, and cold now. my dress wasnt cutting it. anywho. i go to office depot to see if they can print off the things aforementioned. [ didnt have to print out the coupon for volvo anymore...] well, i either have to put it on a flash drive or email it to them. and great time to find out, my comp battery doesnt hold charge from 7 30 til 12.
go vote. yay. one thing done fairly easily.
its at the library, so i think, sweet! i'll print here. card expired 3 yrs ago, and i have a balance of 22 $ WHAT
she prints off the list of books that are all childrens books. ok, i like books, but seriously. i wouldnt have checked them out.
aside from my doppelganger, there is a lady in town with my same name. i knew this. i also knew she seems to frequent alot of places i do. SHE HAS THE SAME MIDDLE NAME, AND IS A YEAR OLDER THAN ME. in that moment in the library, i thoguht, thats it. i need to move to a different city, or marry someone. this is frustrating.
got my new card, finally got on the comp there. i felt so stupid, not knowing the way things worked. fixed my support letter- it is good now- and then come to find out the printing only takes cash. i left. i call my mom. i cried. i couldve left the volvo center, gone to the childrens shelter, and spent the afternoon with them. but no. i had to have a messy early afternoon. frustration with God [and myself] welled up. why cant i hear him well? do i not take enough time to listen? why do i think so differently than the rest of the world? --even my mom knows you can just buy a flash drive, and put your stuff on it; take it to be printed. and i had such a wonderful time in the word at volvo. yes, i know evil attacks, yes i know some of this frustration is me not knowing how to plan well. its still frustrating, and then i cant seem to find my way back to my God of Peace easily.
some errands needed to get done. i wanted to print some stuff out, support letters and pics of me to send to the kids i support, mostly. voting.ironing.
i made the choice to stay home from the childrens shelter today. i have cried significantly since then, wondering if that was me being selfish.
i went to volvo this morning, got a check up out of the way. volvo always takes so long. i get there at 7 30 and almost always never leave until lunchtime. i think once i left at 10 30, and was shocked.its never under 200$ either. i have hydraulic fluid slowly leaking, and its just going to have to wait, because it ends up i had to give the church 300$ more for the trip than what i was originally told. i guess the support raising hasnt been going so well.
it was torrential as i was leaving, and cold now. my dress wasnt cutting it. anywho. i go to office depot to see if they can print off the things aforementioned. [ didnt have to print out the coupon for volvo anymore...] well, i either have to put it on a flash drive or email it to them. and great time to find out, my comp battery doesnt hold charge from 7 30 til 12.
go vote. yay. one thing done fairly easily.
its at the library, so i think, sweet! i'll print here. card expired 3 yrs ago, and i have a balance of 22 $ WHAT
she prints off the list of books that are all childrens books. ok, i like books, but seriously. i wouldnt have checked them out.
aside from my doppelganger, there is a lady in town with my same name. i knew this. i also knew she seems to frequent alot of places i do. SHE HAS THE SAME MIDDLE NAME, AND IS A YEAR OLDER THAN ME. in that moment in the library, i thoguht, thats it. i need to move to a different city, or marry someone. this is frustrating.
got my new card, finally got on the comp there. i felt so stupid, not knowing the way things worked. fixed my support letter- it is good now- and then come to find out the printing only takes cash. i left. i call my mom. i cried. i couldve left the volvo center, gone to the childrens shelter, and spent the afternoon with them. but no. i had to have a messy early afternoon. frustration with God [and myself] welled up. why cant i hear him well? do i not take enough time to listen? why do i think so differently than the rest of the world? --even my mom knows you can just buy a flash drive, and put your stuff on it; take it to be printed. and i had such a wonderful time in the word at volvo. yes, i know evil attacks, yes i know some of this frustration is me not knowing how to plan well. its still frustrating, and then i cant seem to find my way back to my God of Peace easily.
22 October 2012
life list
tues- meet with the leader / contact of the guatemala trip.
i have fought feelings of disappointment with how he has operated.
when i come home, i will read up on the SA people/ things to vote for.
wed- bible study, but i am curious about something. i never pick up bulletins at church, didnt know how to get to morgans wonderland, so i grabbed a leftover one, and when i got home, took it inside to read through the prayer requests. [ and to snicker at the general boringness of our singles' group blurb] i happened upon the worship team audition. i have secretly wanted to see if i could do that, even though it scares the shit out of me. i cussed because its that deep. its so deep, i cant even use uppercase letters to stress the feeling i have. i look at myself and think im crazy. and the auditions might be at the same time as the study, and i actually have a cold right now. so.
thurs- meeting with rick lowe about the trip; i set both of theses meetings up at the same time. i dunno how
productive the meeting with shawn will be; hopfully it'll be great and i can give rick back some of his time. VOTING after that! go team!-- i dunno what thats supposed to mean. im writing in the chesshire cat. thats how i feel right now about life.
fri- car checkup, and childrens shelter. leadership meeting after that, and hopefully we will bring some solid
changes to how we do things in this group, such as solidify how we operate. ::ow. i just sneezed really hard. i think i busted some capillaries in my soft palate::
sat- help jenna pack, go to artist show that gloria's in at tripoint (9-5 if anyones interested. expo of local
artists, tripoint / ymca). ruths birthday
sun- first morning to help out in the kinder room at church.
then i need to get together a costume for work. disney themed. i am considering being jiminey cricket, but really at the end of the day, id just look like a dude. a weird dude. i hate trying to make costumes for work.
im so stressed out. ive been making my self thank God for all the true blessings i have, to remind myself.
i have no joy in my heart for this guatemala trip, and that makes me ssooooo sad and so worried.
i have fought feelings of disappointment with how he has operated.
when i come home, i will read up on the SA people/ things to vote for.
wed- bible study, but i am curious about something. i never pick up bulletins at church, didnt know how to get to morgans wonderland, so i grabbed a leftover one, and when i got home, took it inside to read through the prayer requests. [ and to snicker at the general boringness of our singles' group blurb] i happened upon the worship team audition. i have secretly wanted to see if i could do that, even though it scares the shit out of me. i cussed because its that deep. its so deep, i cant even use uppercase letters to stress the feeling i have. i look at myself and think im crazy. and the auditions might be at the same time as the study, and i actually have a cold right now. so.
thurs- meeting with rick lowe about the trip; i set both of theses meetings up at the same time. i dunno how
productive the meeting with shawn will be; hopfully it'll be great and i can give rick back some of his time. VOTING after that! go team!-- i dunno what thats supposed to mean. im writing in the chesshire cat. thats how i feel right now about life.
fri- car checkup, and childrens shelter. leadership meeting after that, and hopefully we will bring some solid
changes to how we do things in this group, such as solidify how we operate. ::ow. i just sneezed really hard. i think i busted some capillaries in my soft palate::
sat- help jenna pack, go to artist show that gloria's in at tripoint (9-5 if anyones interested. expo of local
artists, tripoint / ymca). ruths birthday
sun- first morning to help out in the kinder room at church.
then i need to get together a costume for work. disney themed. i am considering being jiminey cricket, but really at the end of the day, id just look like a dude. a weird dude. i hate trying to make costumes for work.
im so stressed out. ive been making my self thank God for all the true blessings i have, to remind myself.
i have no joy in my heart for this guatemala trip, and that makes me ssooooo sad and so worried.
16 October 2012
warning to singles:single rant/ musings. if youre in a deep blah single moment, this may make you feel better, or worse.
i feel my life has been more full lately of married people, and married people with babies. i think this is the natural progression of things:)
seriously though, its sinking in more that most of my friends are married, or are going to be soon- even if they dont know it yet, in all likelihood within the next couple of years i imagine most of the single people i know now will be in a serious relationship.
being around "marrieds," i am learning to pay attention. i listen to how they talk to and about each other. i listen to [ mostly the women] their personal view of themselves, and i take note of how that colors how they interact with their husbands. not that im really taking notes and trying to create any formulas. its more about realizing how much we need people, and how much we are broken. id like to think that id be the best communicator, or not have an issue with this or that- these things that i cant help judge my married friends on as i observe. but God has been merciful and recently has opened my mind and heart to the facts of who i am, and if this marriage thing does happen to me, that it will be difficult.
a week or so ago a coworker seared me with some words. but they are a helpful, healing type of searing. i am too much in control of my life, and need to relax my rules and standards. at first i balked at this, and on some levels i still do. sitting with the thoughts that have been brought about by that comment, and spending some time with some very good friends that are a year into their marriage, i am beginning to see what she means.
one of my control panels is fear.
::SHIFT::
i dont want to pull that apart for you; if you wanna chat, cool.
the other side of this coin is-- WHAT THE HECK!?
it says in the bible it is good to stay single, according to pauls' estimation. and there are many people that are precious in the world that are single, never married. their lives matter just as much. i think that if everyone else got off my back about marriage, and would stop talking about setting me up, and gave grace when i do need to cry about it, the world would be a better place. not just me, either. im totally talking about the church. what would the church and its interactions look like, if we honestly weren't so crazy stupid about getting married; if we realized truely that it takes all of us, and we are all of use and have equal worth, regardless of our station. that being said, i believe we are missing out on some deep love and amazingness from our lovely grandparent and great-- grandparent types in the church.
::SHIFT::
my trip was great; i loved the feeling of driving all that way by myself- id never gone that far all by myself before. made it back in one day. i was making great time, and then dallas construction had not the best signage and i got off track. still got home before 10. and i started driving at 7. had been awake since 5 30. my butt hurt insanely in the last hour, but i wondered if it was true straight - up pain, or if there was psychological tired-ness from knowing i was so close. zach and linds have a great church. and i will never live in tennessee, God have mercy. [they live in mississippi, but on the border. pretty much everything they do is in tn.]
seriously though, its sinking in more that most of my friends are married, or are going to be soon- even if they dont know it yet, in all likelihood within the next couple of years i imagine most of the single people i know now will be in a serious relationship.
being around "marrieds," i am learning to pay attention. i listen to how they talk to and about each other. i listen to [ mostly the women] their personal view of themselves, and i take note of how that colors how they interact with their husbands. not that im really taking notes and trying to create any formulas. its more about realizing how much we need people, and how much we are broken. id like to think that id be the best communicator, or not have an issue with this or that- these things that i cant help judge my married friends on as i observe. but God has been merciful and recently has opened my mind and heart to the facts of who i am, and if this marriage thing does happen to me, that it will be difficult.
a week or so ago a coworker seared me with some words. but they are a helpful, healing type of searing. i am too much in control of my life, and need to relax my rules and standards. at first i balked at this, and on some levels i still do. sitting with the thoughts that have been brought about by that comment, and spending some time with some very good friends that are a year into their marriage, i am beginning to see what she means.
one of my control panels is fear.
::SHIFT::
i dont want to pull that apart for you; if you wanna chat, cool.
the other side of this coin is-- WHAT THE HECK!?
it says in the bible it is good to stay single, according to pauls' estimation. and there are many people that are precious in the world that are single, never married. their lives matter just as much. i think that if everyone else got off my back about marriage, and would stop talking about setting me up, and gave grace when i do need to cry about it, the world would be a better place. not just me, either. im totally talking about the church. what would the church and its interactions look like, if we honestly weren't so crazy stupid about getting married; if we realized truely that it takes all of us, and we are all of use and have equal worth, regardless of our station. that being said, i believe we are missing out on some deep love and amazingness from our lovely grandparent and great-- grandparent types in the church.
::SHIFT::
my trip was great; i loved the feeling of driving all that way by myself- id never gone that far all by myself before. made it back in one day. i was making great time, and then dallas construction had not the best signage and i got off track. still got home before 10. and i started driving at 7. had been awake since 5 30. my butt hurt insanely in the last hour, but i wondered if it was true straight - up pain, or if there was psychological tired-ness from knowing i was so close. zach and linds have a great church. and i will never live in tennessee, God have mercy. [they live in mississippi, but on the border. pretty much everything they do is in tn.]
03 October 2012
im blogging alot. my mind is going.
i need to go to bed soon, but i just want to talk a little bit, and i have no idea who to call. i dont like calling people at this time of night, because its not late enough for them to really say, hey, i just want to wind down and go to bed. well, some people would. but yea.
im thinking about my sabbath year that i am not 2 months into. leviticus talks about the land just growing what it will in that time. and the people resting, letting it grow, and using it.
there is growth that i have not planted. {can i just say, i LOVE that my sabbath year will also be the year i turn 30!?? ok]
there is growth that i have not planned.there, waiting in the soil of my life, are nutrients and possibilities that have just been dormant. i have planned and planted and watered and all that jazz, and it has been good. God has handed seeds over at times as well-- almost all the time. there are some things that were planted and cultivated that never should have been, had choked good out and killed alot. thankfully God uses these and there was fertilization from this death.
and now , all that has been waiting in THESE years is going to start spouting. what will be fruitful, what will be flowering, what will be shading and holding earth intact against the elements. ya know. all this metaphor.
i have a thought---i feel risky thinking it, and saying it. if you work [ed] with me at my job, you will [would] laugh at what im about to say:
its all good.
holding strongly [albeit small-ly] in my gut is the trust and belief that EVERYTHING that comes out of this year is GOOD
its blowing my mind.
and, i hold that gravely, knowing that, even right now, some people close to me are dealing with pain and fear and stress over the future of their business, poss death, money crisis....all the things just mentioned are different families. its crazy. and i wonder how he can give me such peace and i dont have any difficulty, while dear hearts suffer. i know all the theology and reasoning [ and lovingkindness!] behind the answer to that. i still want to ask.
im thinking about my sabbath year that i am not 2 months into. leviticus talks about the land just growing what it will in that time. and the people resting, letting it grow, and using it.
there is growth that i have not planted. {can i just say, i LOVE that my sabbath year will also be the year i turn 30!?? ok]
there is growth that i have not planned.there, waiting in the soil of my life, are nutrients and possibilities that have just been dormant. i have planned and planted and watered and all that jazz, and it has been good. God has handed seeds over at times as well-- almost all the time. there are some things that were planted and cultivated that never should have been, had choked good out and killed alot. thankfully God uses these and there was fertilization from this death.
and now , all that has been waiting in THESE years is going to start spouting. what will be fruitful, what will be flowering, what will be shading and holding earth intact against the elements. ya know. all this metaphor.
i have a thought---i feel risky thinking it, and saying it. if you work [ed] with me at my job, you will [would] laugh at what im about to say:
its all good.
holding strongly [albeit small-ly] in my gut is the trust and belief that EVERYTHING that comes out of this year is GOOD
its blowing my mind.
and, i hold that gravely, knowing that, even right now, some people close to me are dealing with pain and fear and stress over the future of their business, poss death, money crisis....all the things just mentioned are different families. its crazy. and i wonder how he can give me such peace and i dont have any difficulty, while dear hearts suffer. i know all the theology and reasoning [ and lovingkindness!] behind the answer to that. i still want to ask.
02 October 2012
watched the moon rise through the trees
im wondering about doubting. not that i *am* doubting, but
hahaah. anyway, i have had alot of opportunities handed to me, made available, etc. as ive started talking more about my passions and hopes for ministry to my friends, there has been alot of suggestions, information, encouragement, and offers.
i forget that ive told a friend what id like to do with my life, and a few weeks later, they mention that someone they know/ met does such and such job, and they can hook me up into that ministry there, or just to chat with the person more...
my mom is even getting in on this action, which is crazy. shes usually more sedate, even - keel, and fearful. she actually is sounding way more excited as the days go, way more encouraging. thank you God.
a few months ago, i agreed that i was going to obey God more, be obedient, and open to what he wanted for my daily life, and for my future. also started pursuing [just in my heart at first] all of the facts about what my desires and passions even were. like really. like trying to see if they could be fleshed out.
it has led me to volunteer at the childrens shelter, look into various overseas and at home ministries that deal with sex trafficking, look into a social work degree and possibly start a kids club at my apt again, realize i need to learn spanish, say yes to getting trained for strip club ministry, and doing a dental mission in guatemala.
this has happened all in a few months. some of it in just the last couple days.
holding all the opportunity of these things has been an exercise in itself. so much peace flows in my life right now, its insane. we should bottle this and sell it.
coming back to the first thought here, though- im not doubting, but this very open obedience has a feel and smell of doubting. saying yes to all of the everything i can possibly do, looks like i dont know what im doing. i kinda dont. and im REALLY ok with that. i believe the Lord has alerted me to the possibility of doubting, that it could creep up on me.
his ways are not my ways, or his thoughts mine. hes working my life out and holding on to me. i just cant over- yes. thats it, right?
i started worrying a bit tonight about the money, the language, and not having any knowledge about guatemala or the people, no reference points other than the people in matamoros that live in the dump there. i keep recalling all the experiences i have had, piecing together different bits of info to prepare my mind and heart. it wont be sufficient. i have this inkling that i will be feeling totally inept. i dont know anyone that is going. there are 20 people[ i mean, i might know some of them. we'll see]. im going to be in mississippi when they are having their last meeting. i will meet them at the airport. pray i will be able to sleep this next month; my mind likes to run.
hahaah. anyway, i have had alot of opportunities handed to me, made available, etc. as ive started talking more about my passions and hopes for ministry to my friends, there has been alot of suggestions, information, encouragement, and offers.
i forget that ive told a friend what id like to do with my life, and a few weeks later, they mention that someone they know/ met does such and such job, and they can hook me up into that ministry there, or just to chat with the person more...
my mom is even getting in on this action, which is crazy. shes usually more sedate, even - keel, and fearful. she actually is sounding way more excited as the days go, way more encouraging. thank you God.
a few months ago, i agreed that i was going to obey God more, be obedient, and open to what he wanted for my daily life, and for my future. also started pursuing [just in my heart at first] all of the facts about what my desires and passions even were. like really. like trying to see if they could be fleshed out.
it has led me to volunteer at the childrens shelter, look into various overseas and at home ministries that deal with sex trafficking, look into a social work degree and possibly start a kids club at my apt again, realize i need to learn spanish, say yes to getting trained for strip club ministry, and doing a dental mission in guatemala.
this has happened all in a few months. some of it in just the last couple days.
holding all the opportunity of these things has been an exercise in itself. so much peace flows in my life right now, its insane. we should bottle this and sell it.
coming back to the first thought here, though- im not doubting, but this very open obedience has a feel and smell of doubting. saying yes to all of the everything i can possibly do, looks like i dont know what im doing. i kinda dont. and im REALLY ok with that. i believe the Lord has alerted me to the possibility of doubting, that it could creep up on me.
his ways are not my ways, or his thoughts mine. hes working my life out and holding on to me. i just cant over- yes. thats it, right?
i started worrying a bit tonight about the money, the language, and not having any knowledge about guatemala or the people, no reference points other than the people in matamoros that live in the dump there. i keep recalling all the experiences i have had, piecing together different bits of info to prepare my mind and heart. it wont be sufficient. i have this inkling that i will be feeling totally inept. i dont know anyone that is going. there are 20 people[ i mean, i might know some of them. we'll see]. im going to be in mississippi when they are having their last meeting. i will meet them at the airport. pray i will be able to sleep this next month; my mind likes to run.
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