i havent journaled personally yet; wanted to talk it out. somehow  i feel like im talking to friends this way, like its being heard in real time somehow.
im gonna have to be vague about the kids at the shelter for safety reasons. might make my writing even harder to follow. hope not. so i did a stint from 9 45 til 3 on friday. the lady asked me where id like to help, and i really dont mind, just wherever they need it most. so, she put me with the babies/ toddlers. well, most of them weren't toddling yet- theyre learning tho. some are standing and taking a few steps. all were pulling themselves up. i wasnt really sure on the age range. guess theyre still completely considered babies until they walk? and can eat solid food? a couple of them could. i think those that could eat actual food couldve been walking by now, they just werent and arent given enough stimulation. one of the honies just walked right up to me and flopped on my neck, laying ___ head  on my shoulder and just resting there. ___stayed with me, content to be held going to snack. this childs name is ridiculous. like, beyond stupid. i wish i could tell people.  the parents dont deserve to get this child back, solely on that piece of information, if you ask me. theres no worth to this name at all.
ok, done with my rant.
theres alot of strapping in strollers and strapping in high chairs. all  of that business takes up alot of time. the cafeteria is a totally separate building, which works well for the older children, esp since they do school there. its a pain in the butt for the little ones and their caregivers. reflecting on it now, it seems so unrestful. the babies barely get to play- all their time is taken up getting strapped in and out, and waiting for the other babies....they dont get enough time to get bored of playing.
i was wanting to sing, and make noise- there were older ladies there, and a younger guy, maybe around my age, that has volunteered alot and was bouncing back and forth betweenn areas of need. the "abuelas" are mostly silent, not talking to the children at all, really, and the guy was talking to them like they were elementary age, and about to get in trouble. [like, "dont throw that, youre gonna hit ______." and dont kick him"- when the baby isnt even aware that his foot is about to hit another's head.] not that he was inept or bad with the kiddos. it was just weird to me at times, didnt seem age appropriate/ conducive to their growth.
  they all seemed slow to understand most words. even their names.  i wonder if thats because they are hearing a constant stream of different voices saying their name.

nap time was the most fun. i think i loved it because the babies really get to be touched for an extended amount of time. they are really good about staying with each child until they close their eyes/ go to sleep.  some of the little ones went out quickly, some were more fussy.
i held a really new baby- maybe a month old. maybe 6 weeks. perfect little face. brought tears to my eyes.  how sad to be alone when youre that little and helpless. i hope for most of the children that their families can get straightened up and go back quickly. some of them i hope they get in their "forever home"  instead of their family of origin, because lets face it. if the kid is in any way special needs, theyre better off in another family, if theyve been taken away already.
one of the honeys was going home that day. a worker came in with a paper and nonchalantly announced "______'s going  today." there was this interesting undercurrent of excitement. felt like hope and fear together. it was naptime, and there was some scurrying to figure out if it was right that moment, or if the nap  could be taken first. i prayed over the family and the child. then i started praying over all of them. i whispered about Jesus to the swaddled wiggler i was trying to make sleepy. talking didnt really help that one, though!

i want more time there. i want to work there. i want to be a mom. i want to care for and pour into a select few. this pouring out a little to  a lot  doesnt seem that worthwhile.
ok, i just remembered this, and i have to brag on myself. some background first. one of the abuelitas was caring for a little one with a rash, and there were socks on the hands and fussiness happening. the abuelita told me not to touch the child, that it was sick. i thought, ok, the kid has something kinda contagious. well, it was just probably a heat rash from a high fever, because the skin was kinda hard and rough. the woman that was actually in charge didnt have a problem with me touching the child.  i got the little one to smile and laugh, and later saw a sign, explaining that ______ needed sitting time, etc. [for strengthening. basically the kid needs extra physical interaction]. it made me so sad that there couldnt be more one on one for the child. when we went to snack, and this one was done, back in the stroller we go and wait. waiting is boring and crying commenced. but, movement was what was wanted. the other babies needed to be taken out of the highchairs. once i left this particular little one, though, the crying started. and no one else could help, or maybe didnt care. so [ this is the 'yay, heather!' part], i wheeled over to a high chair, rocked the stroller back and forth with one foot while i removed a tray, unbuckled a baby from its chair, and lifted it out to put it in another stroller. did that a couple times.
im hoping to plan better and clear my schedule more so i can go on the weekends, when its more needed.
ok, im sleepy. i only got 2 hours of sleep last night- thanks, insomnia.

pray for me! that i would find the niche in my schedule, that i would choose the necessary and wanted, and leave the rest behind for others to do. ask that i could see with clarity where i should be focusing my self and my time. there are so many good things that i can do, and i do them. and then im tired and am only giving half of myself.

did the childrens shelter orientation just now- whoa. theres a good need  there. theres a need for a childrens librarian, an art teacher (preferably retired ) to come in and situate their art room. theres a high turnover rate for those that actually work there. and thats just scratching the surface.
i cant wear flip flops, or shorts above the knee. --i think this warrants a shopping trip. cant wear dangly earrings, so probably dont want to wear a nose ring, and probably keep my hair up too.
the volunteers for the shelters are basically for entertainment.  one of their biggies is to keep the kids from dwelling too much on the past or their situation, since theyre only there for a limited amount of time.
theres a place down the street from me that deals with the more severely traumatized kids, where you mentor and have to commit at least 1x a week for 6 mo. they need men.
one of the programs is run by just one woman, and its for the developmental needs of babies and toddlers. shes over all 4 of the shelters. she needs help.
they always need admin work help.
 i think that setting aside my friday is a reasonable amount of time. yes, i will be tired. i will get used to it.  knowing just a little bit of what it will entail- that i will need to be constantly aware of how much attention im giving to each child, that i cannot sit with one and ask them questions or sit and listen to them for a long time, that i need to give equal physical touch....i can imagine how mentally exhausted i would be, and how much i will need God to step in to help me do right by all. when im at work i try to give all the kids equal attention, and at the most there are maybe 3 at a time vying for my ears and eyes. and thats only in short spurts.  im kinda glad my parents are coming this weekend, and i cant tell them ill start just yet.
the average kiddo stays there 35 days. the max time they can live there is 90.

i actually want these words in the song to be true of me.

i was super ugly to a man in a shop today. he was tryin to be helpful. my sarcasm is what comes out when i am actually trying to cover up my shame, then anger- thinking i can stick a smile on it, release my pain and hope theyll be dense enough to not really hear the hate in my voice, while i still get an easy out and a justification for my sinful feelings.there is no fight left- jj heller

i hope someone will someday describe me as a honey-coated hardass filled with chocolate and peanut butter.

and i have no idea how my heart and brain communicate. i bet those would be some CRAZY convos to listen in on.

its that time again ! ive been "away" for a few days. dunno why; i get blogging tourette's and then its famine for a bit. cycles. seasons. 
so. went to an info class at the tex dept of child and family protective services. worried that i wouldnt fit in, or that people would look askance at me because i was there by myself, i had to fight a tiny feeling to cry as i got out of my car[ was that a grammatically correct sentence?].
ended up being super awesome. i knew alot of the information already, like what to expect and there would be more classes and you have to be committed...blahblah. i was peaceful. i was settled. it feels right, guys!! i just have to be in preparation. thats going to play out as volunteer work  at the childrens' shelter. im going thursday i think to fill out the paperwork and talk. i have to get a tb test. i hope to do that quickly and cheaply:)
read their requirements, and was like, i am SO qualified for this!
my lease would be up here in oct, and the thought plays into my mind again...would it be time to move? but i dont think thats healthy and it probably wouldnt be good financially, unless i found somewhere to stay for free. or for 200$ max;) and since i want to do some travelling, i will for sure be here another year, i would think. thats like, logical.enough of that.
felt the weight of people not around again today. i usually have dinner w friends on tues nights, and its always a surprise, who can come. today no one could come, and i was a little thankful for the extra time for me on one hand. on the other, i was terribly sorrowful. called a friend up and she is going on a family trip tomorrow, coming back for a blink, and then going off to grad school in oregon. we only talked for a second, and with words like, hows it going,  how busy have you been, when are you going, how are you, ok see you later.

called a neighbor, talked about our other neighbors and how good God is, called my mom and dad . one of the little girls came over and i bandaged up her toe again. a few nights ago she dropped a mirror on it, and hit right on the cuticle. her older sister had no pity, and she mentioned to me she thinks her mom is just going to be mad and not be concerned about her toe. she said i was the only one that cared. that broke my heart for her mom, and how much SHE is missing with her precious beautiful daughters.
one of the little girls mentioned  they might move to a house when their other sister has her baby. thinking about them moving makes me sad, and i know it will be in Gods hands. i acted on a thought- so glad i did- to buy them cards and write in them, as goodbye notes, and have a book of virtues to give them, as well as a dictionary/ thesaurus. [they are spanish -speaking, and the oldest always comments on how little english she knows.]
ive loved the rain
i feel alive
i like having purpose and goals that are visible
i feel lonely
i have peace

and this is what i look like when im all by myself, alone, with my cats. [i cant believe them. they get all passed out now, and then wake me up at 5. its cruel.  wish i could just pass out like that.]

it would take too long to explain all the ins and outs that  God has been taking me through- but its wonderful, lets just say that. i have recieved more of a heart knowledge about how to include him in my day and talk through things. the path isnt perceptible by myself even. all i know is, i was sitting in tension - "how in the world do i grow in these things he asks us to grow in, without making it out to be some sort of work?" which is a really good question. some , if not almost all of the things that we go through and will go through are going to be work. but we shouldnt make the process of knowing God work. yes, it takes work to set up time to have with him, and to purpose to interact, but the acctual growth process cant be worked at- its just supposed to happen like any other relationship. 
 it seems all so fundamental, but its new to me. real.
sometime this week- lets say tues= im going to look online at potential classes to take  for social work, or foster parenting, or childhood development... im scared.
i need to just put all the questions in Gods hands. the biggest one is, what if i make a wrong decision-what if i dont listen, dont take the time in the decision- making moments to just sit and wait? i tend to go headlong once a decision is needed, and just not rest and not really pray. the prayers get frenetic and i dont quiet myself. so this is going to require that i act differently. o.O

cool scarf!!!!

 so, i didnt want to be all facebooky about this- but i wanted to show off this uber dainty awesome scarf i got.

 i dont think i have the guts [or naivete'] to actually wear it out like this, and be mistaken for taking on some sort of muslim belief, or for the sake of fashion.

dunno how im going to wear it normally; its so pretty - seems like a disservice to just wear it like a normal scarf.  the name of the pattern is blooming romance:)