i took everything off my tree today. wish i wanted to move the tree out and clean it all up. i really want to have it done, and start fresh completely tomorrow.
God slows me down sometimes. does he do that for you?
i seriously had nothing i had to do today, until partying. and it feels great. finished truefaced- thanks tim! - and am going to get my own copy. there are things in that book that are good to remember.
our Father prepared and carried my heart some through the reading of this book. places i didnt know i needed words in, places i cant easily explain. just constantly reading truth was healing.
finding that ive been working hard STILL was disconcerting.
finding i have motives based on self- fulfillment hurts.
re-knowing that i can stay vulnerable is priceless.
staying vulnerable is getting tricky.
i know you all love me, and thats been a beautiful place for me to be open and let you in to the ugliest parts of my character and past. and you still love.
im actually running up against being afraid of showing parts of where ive been, and parts of who i am now. theres risk here, and i havent felt it this strongly before. it seems like so much more is at stake. i REALLY dont want to be rejected now.
and i REALLY want to be known more fully.
ambivalence, anyone? i think i have some extra laying around here.
31 December 2010
27 December 2010
::squeal!!!!::
im kinda seeing someone :-D
theres been no defining words as to what kind of relationship this is exactly, and we've only been talking/ hanging out for about 3 weeks.
he took me on my first real date. [i could be using exclamation marks. choosing to not overwhelm]
[ also, actually typing it out sounds really lame. so its kinda unsure and ---GAH SHUT UP!
ok. im seeing someone! and hes told me im gorgeous, and we like alot of the same stuff and ive felt like , all giddy! and he wants to talk to me every day! he listens, and wants to know how my day went, and is very gentle and sweet and patient and im trying to be myself. i find im erring on the side of normal .
havent flipped out yet or been super spastic. theres a pic of us on fb, on my page from a party. hes trying to put a nose on me. :-D
thats it. just wanted to share my silly joy.
:: Gods been working me through alot of my fears too, but thats another post::
theres been no defining words as to what kind of relationship this is exactly, and we've only been talking/ hanging out for about 3 weeks.
he took me on my first real date. [i could be using exclamation marks. choosing to not overwhelm]
[ also, actually typing it out sounds really lame. so its kinda unsure and ---GAH SHUT UP!
ok. im seeing someone! and hes told me im gorgeous, and we like alot of the same stuff and ive felt like , all giddy! and he wants to talk to me every day! he listens, and wants to know how my day went, and is very gentle and sweet and patient and im trying to be myself. i find im erring on the side of normal .
havent flipped out yet or been super spastic. theres a pic of us on fb, on my page from a party. hes trying to put a nose on me. :-D
thats it. just wanted to share my silly joy.
:: Gods been working me through alot of my fears too, but thats another post::
12 December 2010
Christmas-y time is giving me happiness. and on top of that, im feeling some joy too! thank you Lord for giving me some joy. it had been missing for a while, and i'll take the heat for that.
today on kinda a whim, i invited people over to my house to eat after church.
3 "new " friends, 2 "old"
it was perfect, since i hae 6 chairs.
i dont know if i have words yet to voice my joy in having a little tiny party.
the only thing im sad about is i didnt just sit back and drink it in, to feel the depth of it.
but, we were having alot of fun!
my Christmas tree makes me feel cuddly. i like it. it also makes me stay up later. i sit just soaking up its glow and peacefulness.
today on kinda a whim, i invited people over to my house to eat after church.
3 "new " friends, 2 "old"
it was perfect, since i hae 6 chairs.
i dont know if i have words yet to voice my joy in having a little tiny party.
the only thing im sad about is i didnt just sit back and drink it in, to feel the depth of it.
but, we were having alot of fun!
my Christmas tree makes me feel cuddly. i like it. it also makes me stay up later. i sit just soaking up its glow and peacefulness.
05 December 2010
i have now read people.
i like blogging first, before i read everyone else, it lets me get my mind out unsullied.
i need to speak these things now.
i love all of you. your words, hearing about your lives; i cherish it deeply. im also deeply saddened that i cant hear this from your voice, see your face. i understand the time constraints and distance.
im thankful everyone is so eloquent! i can hear the closeness in the the words given.
i have desperately starved myself from aspects of yalls friendship by not having the internet available to me the past few months.
hearing about your different paths with the Lord is encouraging. where i can take note, or recognize the road, be joyful and sorrowful with you.
it has filled me and my joy is more complete- i understand that phrase of pauls! - it was paul right?
this morning we sang in sunday school- oh, how he loves us.
it makes me ask though.
how does he love us? i cant understand and comprehend it sometimes. i do think i like it. i do think its frustrating and hard. i do think its worth it.
ive had trouble with gratefulness this thanksgiving. i can truely say, hands down, im thankful for the body of friends that are my true family.
thankful that ive been reminded to be thankful for my immediate family, and thankful that he gives me people to love that sometimes cant[or wont] love me back. because then i run deeper with the great love
i like blogging first, before i read everyone else, it lets me get my mind out unsullied.
i need to speak these things now.
i love all of you. your words, hearing about your lives; i cherish it deeply. im also deeply saddened that i cant hear this from your voice, see your face. i understand the time constraints and distance.
im thankful everyone is so eloquent! i can hear the closeness in the the words given.
i have desperately starved myself from aspects of yalls friendship by not having the internet available to me the past few months.
hearing about your different paths with the Lord is encouraging. where i can take note, or recognize the road, be joyful and sorrowful with you.
it has filled me and my joy is more complete- i understand that phrase of pauls! - it was paul right?
this morning we sang in sunday school- oh, how he loves us.
it makes me ask though.
how does he love us? i cant understand and comprehend it sometimes. i do think i like it. i do think its frustrating and hard. i do think its worth it.
ive had trouble with gratefulness this thanksgiving. i can truely say, hands down, im thankful for the body of friends that are my true family.
thankful that ive been reminded to be thankful for my immediate family, and thankful that he gives me people to love that sometimes cant[or wont] love me back. because then i run deeper with the great love
hey, so im back! yay!
and jen, no rap. im sorry. i dont know if i'll ever do it for the kids- they didnt seem too impressed when i told them that.
so, im going to start from thanksgiving weekend and go from there. everyone tends to follow me better when i [try to] talk linear-ly.
i was desperately wanting my family around thanksgiving. and it was hurting my heart that i was having to find them so much. mix in with that the self- pity of getting over the sickness.
saturday i went to find my parents at lost maples. God had other plans.
i have been there before. i got directions.
i got lost for 30 minutes, 2 different ways. i was crying and angry and confused.
my parents hadnt seemed as super excited to have me come. now i know this is a lie. in the moment it didnt feel like it. them hiking and just calling me when they had service felt hard to me.
getting lost was frustrating. it was getting late and the part of me that wanted to keep driving, ask for directions, and get there was trumped by the reasoning that it would be later, darker, colder, and i had already been crying for about 2 hours. still feeling a bit weak from the sickies.
it was majorly disheartening to give up. ive never done that.
i think i said in the last blog that i said, "ok, God. take over." well, that weekend was the most disjointed ive felt in a long time. nothing was working out the way id planned. even going down to corpus. i had planned to go to the beach before going to my sis's, and then leaving earlier. and maybe hanging out "richly" with her. none of that happened. the things that i needed to get done for kids club happened, but on a very diff time frame. and actual club didnt happen. then meeting up w my parents was crazy and super disappointing.
the car ride of pain was everything i could possibly pin on God [ legally and illegally] and find fault in. i complained about every aspect of my life. i cant go into all the places now. you would be sitting. reading. forever.
one thing, i will mention. i was despising how kids club is going.
and that unlocked a door to my motives for things, and unrealistic expectations.
my chest tightens right now, as i wish to have all of yall face to face with me . i want that alot when i say things here. but i never know when those opportunities will come, and by then i will have probably forgotten that you dont know this about me.
i have unknowingly carried around this lie that if im just better at being a christian, if im just enjoying the life Gods given me , and focus on doing "His work," my husband will come along.
- and id like to stick this in here so its not the last thing i say....IF YOU DONT WANT OT READ THE PETULANT GUY SOB, SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH WITH ASTERIK
i hate this rollercoaster of being ok single and then crashing to not in the span of a few hours. i hate that someone i dont know who has a beeer in his hand at an art show can tell me im gorgeous and have the guts to ask me out when upstanding christian guys who actually have talked to me for more than 5 minutes just dont do anything.
and then im left the next day with awakened longing and hope, and start slipping into depths of sadness because i see all this awesome stuff id like to buy someone special for Christmas, or talk about, and theres no one there. ok. done.
****
thats been a big part of my motive to really jump into kids club, a REALLY big part of trying to learn how to cook, and to lesser degrees other things. its never been just to enjoy the thing or the people or whatever, solely.
thats ugly and sad and little to me. so that happened on a country road. among my cussing and ugliness to God. thank him and praise him that hes big enough, beyond me, merciful, and that i trust him as much as i do to know he will love me still after these "episodes."
he has blessed me with remembrance of truths about himself, and my responsibility to him in relationship in the past 2 weeks.
my parents came into town, out of their planned way back home, to eat lunch w me sunday.
it was bittersweet that they made concession for me after a meltdown.
part of me wondered if i subconsciously was making a huge deal to feel more care from them.
im not sure on that account. i decide to not sit there.
i do believe God had some major work he needed to put me through. and i still feel like hes pulling something out of me and show me more. i have no idea . like a dream where you can only put the story together after you wake up.
and jen, no rap. im sorry. i dont know if i'll ever do it for the kids- they didnt seem too impressed when i told them that.
so, im going to start from thanksgiving weekend and go from there. everyone tends to follow me better when i [try to] talk linear-ly.
i was desperately wanting my family around thanksgiving. and it was hurting my heart that i was having to find them so much. mix in with that the self- pity of getting over the sickness.
saturday i went to find my parents at lost maples. God had other plans.
i have been there before. i got directions.
i got lost for 30 minutes, 2 different ways. i was crying and angry and confused.
my parents hadnt seemed as super excited to have me come. now i know this is a lie. in the moment it didnt feel like it. them hiking and just calling me when they had service felt hard to me.
getting lost was frustrating. it was getting late and the part of me that wanted to keep driving, ask for directions, and get there was trumped by the reasoning that it would be later, darker, colder, and i had already been crying for about 2 hours. still feeling a bit weak from the sickies.
it was majorly disheartening to give up. ive never done that.
i think i said in the last blog that i said, "ok, God. take over." well, that weekend was the most disjointed ive felt in a long time. nothing was working out the way id planned. even going down to corpus. i had planned to go to the beach before going to my sis's, and then leaving earlier. and maybe hanging out "richly" with her. none of that happened. the things that i needed to get done for kids club happened, but on a very diff time frame. and actual club didnt happen. then meeting up w my parents was crazy and super disappointing.
the car ride of pain was everything i could possibly pin on God [ legally and illegally] and find fault in. i complained about every aspect of my life. i cant go into all the places now. you would be sitting. reading. forever.
one thing, i will mention. i was despising how kids club is going.
and that unlocked a door to my motives for things, and unrealistic expectations.
my chest tightens right now, as i wish to have all of yall face to face with me . i want that alot when i say things here. but i never know when those opportunities will come, and by then i will have probably forgotten that you dont know this about me.
i have unknowingly carried around this lie that if im just better at being a christian, if im just enjoying the life Gods given me , and focus on doing "His work," my husband will come along.
- and id like to stick this in here so its not the last thing i say....IF YOU DONT WANT OT READ THE PETULANT GUY SOB, SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH WITH ASTERIK
i hate this rollercoaster of being ok single and then crashing to not in the span of a few hours. i hate that someone i dont know who has a beeer in his hand at an art show can tell me im gorgeous and have the guts to ask me out when upstanding christian guys who actually have talked to me for more than 5 minutes just dont do anything.
and then im left the next day with awakened longing and hope, and start slipping into depths of sadness because i see all this awesome stuff id like to buy someone special for Christmas, or talk about, and theres no one there. ok. done.
****
thats been a big part of my motive to really jump into kids club, a REALLY big part of trying to learn how to cook, and to lesser degrees other things. its never been just to enjoy the thing or the people or whatever, solely.
thats ugly and sad and little to me. so that happened on a country road. among my cussing and ugliness to God. thank him and praise him that hes big enough, beyond me, merciful, and that i trust him as much as i do to know he will love me still after these "episodes."
he has blessed me with remembrance of truths about himself, and my responsibility to him in relationship in the past 2 weeks.
my parents came into town, out of their planned way back home, to eat lunch w me sunday.
it was bittersweet that they made concession for me after a meltdown.
part of me wondered if i subconsciously was making a huge deal to feel more care from them.
im not sure on that account. i decide to not sit there.
i do believe God had some major work he needed to put me through. and i still feel like hes pulling something out of me and show me more. i have no idea . like a dream where you can only put the story together after you wake up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)