i am better now. sam popped over last night and sat w me:)
and today was good, and i ran and laid out, and have done no busy things since i got home. its 8. feels good.
and i want this poem to reflect me. i allow warped perception and sleep to overcome me too often.
it was cold inside,
i had no control, every limb
was shaking
my perception was warped,
i was falling down
with my hands
tied behind my back
until you spoke.
harsh words that snapped
me back into reality,
out off the fiction inside my head
it was an alien perspective;
having my eyes open at last
but i did not feel as if i were drowning anymore
so i chose,
i chose not to sleep
until i had a sense of my heart again
not to sleep until i had
reconnected with my honesty
and once i had immersed myself
into my soul
i emerged on the other side clean, reborn
for the first time in many months
i found peace
and i discovered that change
does not necessarily mean end
it can be the beginning or re-directing
that allows growth
to occur
untitled
--cyra dumitru
i always ask God for the harsh words so i dont have to listen as closely .
after typing this out, i desire to be able to say these things truely. first- person.
23 June 2011
22 June 2011
ready?
im done apologizing for who i am and ive been not blogging because i hear these voices that say- youre too depressing . no one wants to hear you. they are all encouraging and you should be a better christian. blahblah.
maybe i am depressing. im more cynical, and wary, and have deep moments of sadness that last more than a few moments.
i think im paraniod. actually im pretty sure i am. im very insecure and as ive allowed myself to not wear as much armor, the more insecurity i find and i feel ugly. so much is hinged on whether i feel beautiful on any given day or in any given moment. yesterday
yesterday. i will start at the beginning of that day s issues. a family came in that hadnt been in a while, i was like, oh!hi! i love when i remember people and have a connection to them. her daughter was very scared because they had gone somewhere else and it was very bad. she apparently had confirmed that we take the insurance, but not whether it was ppo or hmo. her husband came in when i was almost done and told her this; it was going to cost them about 400 dollars for both children to be seen. i embarrassed-ly [when the parents are embarrassed about money it makes me embarrassed] finished the cleaning because i was so close to completeing everything, and the mom said she would talk to him. i walked w her out to her husband, who was sitting at the checkout. i went to talk to the boy. then, the parents came up to us, and he had a paper in his hand. i had assumed he checked out. well. he had paid for specific services and that included the xrays and exam. which the dentist had to refund because i let them walk out the door. the dentist made light of her dissapointment and anger. i dont do well with that kind of thing, it leaves me assuming the worst.
k.
then i left, and knew i needed to visit my great aunt [sis]in the nursing home/ hospital shes in. i was feeling maajorly depressed when i came to the facility. she wasnt in her room, and the 2 ladies i was talking to at the nurses' station were being very unprofessional and making :/ faces back and forth to each other when they thought i wasnt looking. i knew to look for them because i make faces at my co workers. i decided right then i wasnt doing that anymore.
so they told me shed been moved. they implied to another facility, but i have a hard time believing that. her condition was way not stellar.
so left there feeling completely yucky not knowing whether to go ahead and grieve her death or not. called my grandmother, her sister, to get some 411 and SHE hadnt talked to her nephew OR great nephew since i had called her about sis getting a feeding tube 2 weeks ago. i alerted her about that also. i still havent heard back from her what happened. she probably hasnt called yet.
came home so tired, watched a movie so id sit still but not sleep . it was too early for sleep.
after, went to target for toothpaste, pads and a pillow. i felt WEIRD there. the world felt weird. i was wondering in my head at all the uselessness of this life and wondered at the people shopping. it was so eerie. my vision even felt different. i was not dressed prettily at all, and was brought to tears when both times i crossed the crosswalk, people blatantly stopped for me- it was premeditated, not like, oh, theres a person there. but oh, that person is walking out of the doors and im going to slow down and stop before shes even in the street.
it smacks against my lie that i have to be beautiful in some capacity for people to like me or take care of me.
i fight the thought at work that no one really likes me.
today someone i consider a very deep friend hurt me. im going to tell her tomorrow, i just didnt have time today. i love the hair color im sporting now, and out of the blue she remarked how she wanted me to wear my hair blonde so that i could get married within this next century.
that was a slap in the face one way.
tonight i came home to crime scene cars in the parking lot. the lady that lives here and has helped me with kids club called me to make sure it wasnt me. she said she was worried because of the pretty dresses and the scantily clad things i wear too; worried that something had happened. not sure how it was related, but at one point she said, you arent married yet, right? [ i guess joking ly since i had been out of town to a wedding?] and then she said good! it hurt. there was enough pause between that and her telling me to wait for the right one that it did its damage.
i am SO thankful that God gave me grace to truely show my love and happiness for cj and shelley these past 2 weekends. its hittin the fan now.
ive been talking to one of my guy friends from corpus over fb, and was encouraging him to come visit tx, and then this last time i told him the dates of my vacation this summer, just in case anything coincided. he hasnt written back and i feel so gross.
and i have no money. i have been killing my self being on top of balancing my checkbook and not doing certain things, and cutting back on my giving too. painfully. that kills me the most. and still, i am overdrawn every paycheck and have had to ask for help.
i cant spend any money this weekend literally. there is none. im gonna be taking money out of my fund for paying my car off so i can put gas in it.
there are boxes and piles of things in my apt, as i am trying to get rid of stuff. this is going to keep me inside all weekend, im thinking. and im toying with the thought of just getting a little more messy and painting in the middle of the room and not giving a shit if the cats take paint everywhere- because they will.
i think thats it.
maybe i am depressing. im more cynical, and wary, and have deep moments of sadness that last more than a few moments.
i think im paraniod. actually im pretty sure i am. im very insecure and as ive allowed myself to not wear as much armor, the more insecurity i find and i feel ugly. so much is hinged on whether i feel beautiful on any given day or in any given moment. yesterday
yesterday. i will start at the beginning of that day s issues. a family came in that hadnt been in a while, i was like, oh!hi! i love when i remember people and have a connection to them. her daughter was very scared because they had gone somewhere else and it was very bad. she apparently had confirmed that we take the insurance, but not whether it was ppo or hmo. her husband came in when i was almost done and told her this; it was going to cost them about 400 dollars for both children to be seen. i embarrassed-ly [when the parents are embarrassed about money it makes me embarrassed] finished the cleaning because i was so close to completeing everything, and the mom said she would talk to him. i walked w her out to her husband, who was sitting at the checkout. i went to talk to the boy. then, the parents came up to us, and he had a paper in his hand. i had assumed he checked out. well. he had paid for specific services and that included the xrays and exam. which the dentist had to refund because i let them walk out the door. the dentist made light of her dissapointment and anger. i dont do well with that kind of thing, it leaves me assuming the worst.
k.
then i left, and knew i needed to visit my great aunt [sis]in the nursing home/ hospital shes in. i was feeling maajorly depressed when i came to the facility. she wasnt in her room, and the 2 ladies i was talking to at the nurses' station were being very unprofessional and making :/ faces back and forth to each other when they thought i wasnt looking. i knew to look for them because i make faces at my co workers. i decided right then i wasnt doing that anymore.
so they told me shed been moved. they implied to another facility, but i have a hard time believing that. her condition was way not stellar.
so left there feeling completely yucky not knowing whether to go ahead and grieve her death or not. called my grandmother, her sister, to get some 411 and SHE hadnt talked to her nephew OR great nephew since i had called her about sis getting a feeding tube 2 weeks ago. i alerted her about that also. i still havent heard back from her what happened. she probably hasnt called yet.
came home so tired, watched a movie so id sit still but not sleep . it was too early for sleep.
after, went to target for toothpaste, pads and a pillow. i felt WEIRD there. the world felt weird. i was wondering in my head at all the uselessness of this life and wondered at the people shopping. it was so eerie. my vision even felt different. i was not dressed prettily at all, and was brought to tears when both times i crossed the crosswalk, people blatantly stopped for me- it was premeditated, not like, oh, theres a person there. but oh, that person is walking out of the doors and im going to slow down and stop before shes even in the street.
it smacks against my lie that i have to be beautiful in some capacity for people to like me or take care of me.
i fight the thought at work that no one really likes me.
today someone i consider a very deep friend hurt me. im going to tell her tomorrow, i just didnt have time today. i love the hair color im sporting now, and out of the blue she remarked how she wanted me to wear my hair blonde so that i could get married within this next century.
that was a slap in the face one way.
tonight i came home to crime scene cars in the parking lot. the lady that lives here and has helped me with kids club called me to make sure it wasnt me. she said she was worried because of the pretty dresses and the scantily clad things i wear too; worried that something had happened. not sure how it was related, but at one point she said, you arent married yet, right? [ i guess joking ly since i had been out of town to a wedding?] and then she said good! it hurt. there was enough pause between that and her telling me to wait for the right one that it did its damage.
i am SO thankful that God gave me grace to truely show my love and happiness for cj and shelley these past 2 weekends. its hittin the fan now.
ive been talking to one of my guy friends from corpus over fb, and was encouraging him to come visit tx, and then this last time i told him the dates of my vacation this summer, just in case anything coincided. he hasnt written back and i feel so gross.
and i have no money. i have been killing my self being on top of balancing my checkbook and not doing certain things, and cutting back on my giving too. painfully. that kills me the most. and still, i am overdrawn every paycheck and have had to ask for help.
i cant spend any money this weekend literally. there is none. im gonna be taking money out of my fund for paying my car off so i can put gas in it.
there are boxes and piles of things in my apt, as i am trying to get rid of stuff. this is going to keep me inside all weekend, im thinking. and im toying with the thought of just getting a little more messy and painting in the middle of the room and not giving a shit if the cats take paint everywhere- because they will.
i think thats it.
20 June 2011
im full and thoughtful and feeling like i never have enough time.
shelleys wedding was lovely and i love them and love what their collective life is and what it will be, and hope for so much for them.
some one told me today- in different wording- that maybe im just supposed to be praying.
this summer is so jacked from what im used to. i want to be DOING> and the whole resting and lesser doing and actually being responisble with little things that people dont see, and being beckoned to read the word, and pray, and thats enough?
i dont know how to do this. but im going to stop typing and try this thing.
shelleys wedding was lovely and i love them and love what their collective life is and what it will be, and hope for so much for them.
some one told me today- in different wording- that maybe im just supposed to be praying.
this summer is so jacked from what im used to. i want to be DOING> and the whole resting and lesser doing and actually being responisble with little things that people dont see, and being beckoned to read the word, and pray, and thats enough?
i dont know how to do this. but im going to stop typing and try this thing.
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