i havent journaled personally yet; wanted to talk it out. somehow  i feel like im talking to friends this way, like its being heard in real time somehow.
im gonna have to be vague about the kids at the shelter for safety reasons. might make my writing even harder to follow. hope not. so i did a stint from 9 45 til 3 on friday. the lady asked me where id like to help, and i really dont mind, just wherever they need it most. so, she put me with the babies/ toddlers. well, most of them weren't toddling yet- theyre learning tho. some are standing and taking a few steps. all were pulling themselves up. i wasnt really sure on the age range. guess theyre still completely considered babies until they walk? and can eat solid food? a couple of them could. i think those that could eat actual food couldve been walking by now, they just werent and arent given enough stimulation. one of the honies just walked right up to me and flopped on my neck, laying ___ head  on my shoulder and just resting there. ___stayed with me, content to be held going to snack. this childs name is ridiculous. like, beyond stupid. i wish i could tell people.  the parents dont deserve to get this child back, solely on that piece of information, if you ask me. theres no worth to this name at all.
ok, done with my rant.
theres alot of strapping in strollers and strapping in high chairs. all  of that business takes up alot of time. the cafeteria is a totally separate building, which works well for the older children, esp since they do school there. its a pain in the butt for the little ones and their caregivers. reflecting on it now, it seems so unrestful. the babies barely get to play- all their time is taken up getting strapped in and out, and waiting for the other babies....they dont get enough time to get bored of playing.
i was wanting to sing, and make noise- there were older ladies there, and a younger guy, maybe around my age, that has volunteered alot and was bouncing back and forth betweenn areas of need. the "abuelas" are mostly silent, not talking to the children at all, really, and the guy was talking to them like they were elementary age, and about to get in trouble. [like, "dont throw that, youre gonna hit ______." and dont kick him"- when the baby isnt even aware that his foot is about to hit another's head.] not that he was inept or bad with the kiddos. it was just weird to me at times, didnt seem age appropriate/ conducive to their growth.
  they all seemed slow to understand most words. even their names.  i wonder if thats because they are hearing a constant stream of different voices saying their name.

nap time was the most fun. i think i loved it because the babies really get to be touched for an extended amount of time. they are really good about staying with each child until they close their eyes/ go to sleep.  some of the little ones went out quickly, some were more fussy.
i held a really new baby- maybe a month old. maybe 6 weeks. perfect little face. brought tears to my eyes.  how sad to be alone when youre that little and helpless. i hope for most of the children that their families can get straightened up and go back quickly. some of them i hope they get in their "forever home"  instead of their family of origin, because lets face it. if the kid is in any way special needs, theyre better off in another family, if theyve been taken away already.
one of the honeys was going home that day. a worker came in with a paper and nonchalantly announced "______'s going  today." there was this interesting undercurrent of excitement. felt like hope and fear together. it was naptime, and there was some scurrying to figure out if it was right that moment, or if the nap  could be taken first. i prayed over the family and the child. then i started praying over all of them. i whispered about Jesus to the swaddled wiggler i was trying to make sleepy. talking didnt really help that one, though!

i want more time there. i want to work there. i want to be a mom. i want to care for and pour into a select few. this pouring out a little to  a lot  doesnt seem that worthwhile.
ok, i just remembered this, and i have to brag on myself. some background first. one of the abuelitas was caring for a little one with a rash, and there were socks on the hands and fussiness happening. the abuelita told me not to touch the child, that it was sick. i thought, ok, the kid has something kinda contagious. well, it was just probably a heat rash from a high fever, because the skin was kinda hard and rough. the woman that was actually in charge didnt have a problem with me touching the child.  i got the little one to smile and laugh, and later saw a sign, explaining that ______ needed sitting time, etc. [for strengthening. basically the kid needs extra physical interaction]. it made me so sad that there couldnt be more one on one for the child. when we went to snack, and this one was done, back in the stroller we go and wait. waiting is boring and crying commenced. but, movement was what was wanted. the other babies needed to be taken out of the highchairs. once i left this particular little one, though, the crying started. and no one else could help, or maybe didnt care. so [ this is the 'yay, heather!' part], i wheeled over to a high chair, rocked the stroller back and forth with one foot while i removed a tray, unbuckled a baby from its chair, and lifted it out to put it in another stroller. did that a couple times.
im hoping to plan better and clear my schedule more so i can go on the weekends, when its more needed.
ok, im sleepy. i only got 2 hours of sleep last night- thanks, insomnia.

pray for me! that i would find the niche in my schedule, that i would choose the necessary and wanted, and leave the rest behind for others to do. ask that i could see with clarity where i should be focusing my self and my time. there are so many good things that i can do, and i do them. and then im tired and am only giving half of myself.

did the childrens shelter orientation just now- whoa. theres a good need  there. theres a need for a childrens librarian, an art teacher (preferably retired ) to come in and situate their art room. theres a high turnover rate for those that actually work there. and thats just scratching the surface.
i cant wear flip flops, or shorts above the knee. --i think this warrants a shopping trip. cant wear dangly earrings, so probably dont want to wear a nose ring, and probably keep my hair up too.
the volunteers for the shelters are basically for entertainment.  one of their biggies is to keep the kids from dwelling too much on the past or their situation, since theyre only there for a limited amount of time.
theres a place down the street from me that deals with the more severely traumatized kids, where you mentor and have to commit at least 1x a week for 6 mo. they need men.
one of the programs is run by just one woman, and its for the developmental needs of babies and toddlers. shes over all 4 of the shelters. she needs help.
they always need admin work help.
 i think that setting aside my friday is a reasonable amount of time. yes, i will be tired. i will get used to it.  knowing just a little bit of what it will entail- that i will need to be constantly aware of how much attention im giving to each child, that i cannot sit with one and ask them questions or sit and listen to them for a long time, that i need to give equal physical touch....i can imagine how mentally exhausted i would be, and how much i will need God to step in to help me do right by all. when im at work i try to give all the kids equal attention, and at the most there are maybe 3 at a time vying for my ears and eyes. and thats only in short spurts.  im kinda glad my parents are coming this weekend, and i cant tell them ill start just yet.
the average kiddo stays there 35 days. the max time they can live there is 90.