hello! ive been tired, ive been busy, but ive been blessed and calm.

God has shown me graciousness with my time, and solidified me in gratitude to my family, and my circumstances :) its been awesome.
when i learned that i would have to wait another month for my rent house, i went through some anger and disappointment. a little fear too, to be honest. i hated the thought that i would have to ask for help for another month, and wondered what others would think about me [like why is she just mooching off of people?]
thankfully, we threw that out the window. my affirmation needs to come from God.

ive had my eyes opened again to my brutally honest way of saying things, and am asking God seriously to slow my mouth down so i can rehearse the things that pop out of my mouth, to gauge them.
also to my critical spirit. i need to love people despite their faults, and pray for change. because, as noted just before, i have my own issues. and theres more where that came from.

this month [ i just called the foster/ adoption help at the childrens shelter], im going to chat with someone about the possibility of starting fostering. i must be crazy to want to start this right now, with a job and a business, and having roommates. but if i dont start, i'll always make excuses. and i want my life to count for love toward God in loving his people. i think the best way i do that, is when im spent and have to lean on him completely.
i think thats why this new business venture with r + f has been so great. its shown me i cant focus on the doing and the money and the perfect life and the good works. its only God. ive been giving all of my everything to God every day for the past two days. my focus has been changing. im excited to see where this leads.
and screw it if  r + f doesnt work out, or if i cant become a foster parent now [ or ever]. i truely gave all my parts of my life up, even asking him to just give me that perfect house that is the best for our needs. there is no worry, just looking ahead with determination for the next day, and slowing down as much as i can for the people in the moment. --thats still a struggle at times.
i really am squishing and sinking into the fact that if i do a job, regular old job, struggle w money, give when i can with all of my resources, heart, mind, and body, and pray... that it will be enough. our focus is to be God.

heh, kinda wish my life was boring like that some days, so i can take a nap:) but God knows. he did actually give me a nap last sunday, which was good and neccesary. im falling in love with life and the glimpses of what it really could be, and what mine is taking shape as. im falling in love with him, knowing he could take all this away that im holding, and it would be good and fine. :)