i have to get this out more than whats available to me.
tonight something happened at a friends house and it totally triggered and dredged up a huge chunk of my past.
it was unravelling.
thankfully my friend was there to hold me and listen. im struck now with realizing the ripple effect that my past is having on my future.
and the oddity that these ripples exist in an alternate universe where they seem like they may become torrents- not fun.
i need to be reminded that he holds me and to give myself grace to look at everything and reflect and soak up truth.
::my husband, bless his soul, will be amazingly patient and be able to contain much::
09 April 2009
07 April 2009
im in this thing called grace group. by open hearts ministries. very awesome. check it out. anyway. lately i have been feeling the weight of my invitation and impact on people through my words. and to believe that i have something wonderful to give to people has been a long road.
lately ive been able to grab hold of that and become more of who i am.
woot!
i am still human also.
meh!
so tonight at grace group this lady was talking about how wonderful her life has been lately- geez, im using that word alot- and that she didnt see any places needing prayer [in the realm of breaking agreements with lies that shes believed. if thats confusing and curious, ask me]. i pushed in and pretty forcefully asked her if that was really true, because how she was reacting to the situation at hand felt like [to me] that she didnt want to look at something.
i was forceful. i definitely couldve drawn her out in a loving way, and truely been concerned with her heart. i was moreso in a place of bitterness and contempt for her happiness. why, im not sure yet.
probably comes down to comparison- ive had to do this, and some more things came up tonight, and i know im gonna have to do this again! why dont you?!?- yea, thats it. ok.
so i pushed in a "tough girl"way a very gentle soul. she got quiet. i didnt save her, thankfully, but i definitely had some pride goin on at the same time. and i couldnt apologize. then we got really deep into actually entering into praying with a woman who wanted to break a curse right then! it was AWESOME to be there, that she let us enter that.
afterward the lady i had pounded spoke up and let us know she wasnt able to enter into the joy of that moment because she had been so hurt that we had minimized the joy she had been trying to share. i wasnt able to meet her in the pain of what i had said. i wasnt sorry at first. that felt weird. i think i was battling some pride still. and its not like she totally dismissed what i had said. she actually took it in and was thinking about it, and was glad that it pushed her to speak against it, and is going to stay open to some of that possibility! this woman astounded me in that moment. and later she had the beauty about her to let me explain where i was - after i figured it out- and enter into conversation with me futher about it.
i have been holding myself up on this pedestal that i have so much figured out and im so awesome and have great words all the time, and everyone needs to listen to me.
i was reminded, although i have MUCH good, i have alot of responsibility. correct responsibility. that must be handled with gravity. fighting against my silence may end up coming out in a torrent of feelings and words, in an effort to "conquer" the past evil silences. thats not necessarily a great thing. slowing down to know what im feeling and thinking -really thinking- is crucial.
i used to loathe responsibility. now i dislike it sometimes.
im really amazed at how much God asks me to have. its probably a normal amount, and my previous hatred of it makes it feel huge.
actually believing that we are to help with one anothers' burdens- and thinking of the people God has placed in my path- well, im slightly overwhelmed. in a good and bad way.
yay growth! [help me, Jesus!]
lately ive been able to grab hold of that and become more of who i am.
woot!
i am still human also.
meh!
so tonight at grace group this lady was talking about how wonderful her life has been lately- geez, im using that word alot- and that she didnt see any places needing prayer [in the realm of breaking agreements with lies that shes believed. if thats confusing and curious, ask me]. i pushed in and pretty forcefully asked her if that was really true, because how she was reacting to the situation at hand felt like [to me] that she didnt want to look at something.
i was forceful. i definitely couldve drawn her out in a loving way, and truely been concerned with her heart. i was moreso in a place of bitterness and contempt for her happiness. why, im not sure yet.
probably comes down to comparison- ive had to do this, and some more things came up tonight, and i know im gonna have to do this again! why dont you?!?- yea, thats it. ok.
so i pushed in a "tough girl"way a very gentle soul. she got quiet. i didnt save her, thankfully, but i definitely had some pride goin on at the same time. and i couldnt apologize. then we got really deep into actually entering into praying with a woman who wanted to break a curse right then! it was AWESOME to be there, that she let us enter that.
afterward the lady i had pounded spoke up and let us know she wasnt able to enter into the joy of that moment because she had been so hurt that we had minimized the joy she had been trying to share. i wasnt able to meet her in the pain of what i had said. i wasnt sorry at first. that felt weird. i think i was battling some pride still. and its not like she totally dismissed what i had said. she actually took it in and was thinking about it, and was glad that it pushed her to speak against it, and is going to stay open to some of that possibility! this woman astounded me in that moment. and later she had the beauty about her to let me explain where i was - after i figured it out- and enter into conversation with me futher about it.
i have been holding myself up on this pedestal that i have so much figured out and im so awesome and have great words all the time, and everyone needs to listen to me.
i was reminded, although i have MUCH good, i have alot of responsibility. correct responsibility. that must be handled with gravity. fighting against my silence may end up coming out in a torrent of feelings and words, in an effort to "conquer" the past evil silences. thats not necessarily a great thing. slowing down to know what im feeling and thinking -really thinking- is crucial.
i used to loathe responsibility. now i dislike it sometimes.
im really amazed at how much God asks me to have. its probably a normal amount, and my previous hatred of it makes it feel huge.
actually believing that we are to help with one anothers' burdens- and thinking of the people God has placed in my path- well, im slightly overwhelmed. in a good and bad way.
yay growth! [help me, Jesus!]
31 March 2009
yay new layout!
thats all.
i want to write something meaningful, but i think its smarter to wait until i actually have something to say, and go to bed for now:)
i want to write something meaningful, but i think its smarter to wait until i actually have something to say, and go to bed for now:)
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