i want time w friends. i dont have time barely for me.
i want time for moving my stuff, and packing. there have been more urgent things on the list.
i need these things too.

moving this weekend- really moving everything- would be perfect i think. will it happen ?we'll see. funny how i have a hard time asking for help, and it seems like im stuck on all "sides" of life, having to ask for help.
but i dont have time to recieve it seems. life and stuff happening around me has to slow down enough to recieve.
ha. that was going to be the end, but i just have to say this. i stopped typing and went to sign out. realized as i hesitated over the "okay" and "cancel" [do you want to navigate away from this page...?], that i really just needed this out. not really read. that was a nice feeling.
but i do want yall to know how crazy i feel and how i hate not having more time for you. it makes me sad to think i dont have time to call my friends.

too much

i have not been vulnerable well. and every time i try to be needy, it doesnt work out the way i want it to. :P
im tired.
went to rise above last sun[weekend of helping l clean house before deployment and r being in ER for throwing up and not being able to eat] and God is beautiful. im sad i dont sit in his presence more. im glad rise above is available. i was able to be free in worship, and reconnect with alot of truth. i cried over a certain place. i dont know how to describe it. its the place of passion and destiny that ive allowed to be overlooked, the place where my heart is most satisfied in Him, and what his hands hold, and i think im missing something.
thats the worst thing to feel ever in my book.
i hate it that i seem to be missing the mark. then i looked into that. what mark?
that question took me to wondering if i am too judgemental on myself. and i was immediately reminded to take care of myself. something i try desperately to do and it never feels like its happening. maybe having care for self looks different than ive imagined it? or may be im just having to fight for it.
i only had 3 hours of sleep last night. wading through my thoughts is becoming too much. so. tbc

im standiing in the wonder of a worthwhile storm
made of truth: its ironic
as the lies whip arouond and around
slapping every inch of me
through my lashes i see the glint of what im needing
as it swirls amidst the trash
i need it
i need it.
its mine.
-theres another bit!
as i continue to strain to see, i do
and it continues and theres more.
its compelling me, and im afraid- but this is the storm IM in,
with MY bits being lost to me if i dont meet the
Wind halfway, if i dont extend,
what will all this be about?
it will be about me. swirling about me. swirling. but just
a hazy swirl. people may comment on the color and texture,
and form and shape, temperature and_______
but what? so what?
so i reach.
fear prickles my skin, as does everything in the storm that
cuts, slaps, pokes, and rams.
ifind i can deal with some prickles.
i feel His hand guiding my arm. this isnt comfortable.
i caught some trash.
great.
oh!
i got a piece!
some becoming,
something i am.
the next moment isnt so difficult- and slowly
i will leaern to just stand in the eye
perpetually extended into the storm.
death shall not rob my___________.
death shall not sting my__________.
death shll not kill my____________.
its only a flesh wound.
and, by God, i am so much more than

as i am finding all my glintings and radiances
Abba, i am beginning to love the way you
sprinkle yourself into the midst for me to find
and guide my arm for reaching.