i am ready for church. im ready to relax in a place that is a feast for the soul. im ready to enjoy people that i know, and get to know others better.
i usually wear makeup when im feeling not so beautiful. when i feel i need some strength. i actually cant tell if im doing that today or not. feels like a glimmer of something true.
thanks sara groves, for the words that fit my heart
anna, aimee, and malachi spoke deeply into my heart this weekend. [malachi, you did too. your listening speaks.]
i didnt even know it, but i desperately wanted someone to walk around kindly in the places they did. now i sit with truth that is slippery.
LIKE A LAKE -sara groves
so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it
when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake
standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are
everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake
bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake
everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open
open
oh wide open
open
like
a lake
28 March 2010
11 March 2010
life
im getting a gingival graft and braces fairly soon.
finally starting to feel like an adult, and will now be looking pretty awkward. yay.
:-P
a 2 month old that was born to one of the ladies at work stopped breathing the end of last week. our office had some numbness and tears. i couldnt cry for days and finally at the rosary/veiwing. i did NOT want to look at khloe.i knew she was going to look like the little precious doll she was.
i hated all the praying to mary- like we have to work with words to get a darling 2 month old into heaven! like we have to work with words to get anyone into heaven. like its up to us. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHITSHIT
the poor man doing the rosary said some fearful, uncomforting things, like God was looking at his gsrden and saw an empty spot and decided khloe could fill it well, and that shes an angel now. thats all i picked up on through my sorrow and anger- he may have said some more shit.
rosary chanting really does numb you out. good if youre tired of crying.
in other news. restored party girl description as told by russ- super beatiful and scarey.
im starting to agree with my worth, but what he said felt huge. i cant hold Jesus in this body!!! are you kidding me, God? is all that good lovely and trueness going to be able to find its place HERE? really? i can start to believe it. comfort in knowing the expansion is over my lifetime, however long that is. saying its over a life time feels long. the growing pains are going to be spread out. yes. not all at once. [that reminds me of the guy in the great divorce(i think?) whose feet were hurt by the reality of the grass of heaven]
i have not been able to be present well, in the ways id like to be lately. this is partly that i am doing things like blogging at 11:13 instead of focusing on God. im not beating myself up. Gods seriously brought before me the riches of spending time w him and i say thats nice, thanks. i'll catch you in a few.
but i did read something that made it to a mirror in my apt. mirror status is huge, and marks a growth point in my life, just so you know.
ive read this chapter alot. it usually happens to me. something is so freeken familiar and all of a sudden. im really not sure if this is the best, but im going to do it. im going to explain how my heart interpreted this.
isaiah 40:1-2
comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem[main important city in israel- main important place for me- my heart and mind], and proclaim to her that her hard service [time in jail for what i have done toward my Jesus] has been completed,that her sin has been paid for,that she has recieved from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.[this last part- im thinking. and its a wow. recieved payment? but its been paid for! how can we recieve double? a payment is a payment, right? so more than the required above that is a gift. if i paid off a credit card and then continued large payments, i would be looked on as rediculous by everyone, hands down.theres no common sense in this. but i like it. ive been living in the payment. i think im ready to start looking at the extra, the seemingly rediculous now. cuz thats mine- im just not sure what to do with it. makes me think of a financial advisor, and then that how awsome im learning how to manage my actual moneyright now, and that i need a spiritual advisor, and oh yea! i have one! - hey, its late cut me some slack.
i have to say, i like Holy.
amazing, that he can hang out with me all day by his power. the very essence of him (that is the antithesis of what ive been) is purity, and thats sitting in me day in and day out, ready to be shown to others, but only in the gentleman way that he is. not forceful. waiting for me to allow it.
finally starting to feel like an adult, and will now be looking pretty awkward. yay.
:-P
a 2 month old that was born to one of the ladies at work stopped breathing the end of last week. our office had some numbness and tears. i couldnt cry for days and finally at the rosary/veiwing. i did NOT want to look at khloe.i knew she was going to look like the little precious doll she was.
i hated all the praying to mary- like we have to work with words to get a darling 2 month old into heaven! like we have to work with words to get anyone into heaven. like its up to us. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHITSHIT
the poor man doing the rosary said some fearful, uncomforting things, like God was looking at his gsrden and saw an empty spot and decided khloe could fill it well, and that shes an angel now. thats all i picked up on through my sorrow and anger- he may have said some more shit.
rosary chanting really does numb you out. good if youre tired of crying.
in other news. restored party girl description as told by russ- super beatiful and scarey.
im starting to agree with my worth, but what he said felt huge. i cant hold Jesus in this body!!! are you kidding me, God? is all that good lovely and trueness going to be able to find its place HERE? really? i can start to believe it. comfort in knowing the expansion is over my lifetime, however long that is. saying its over a life time feels long. the growing pains are going to be spread out. yes. not all at once. [that reminds me of the guy in the great divorce(i think?) whose feet were hurt by the reality of the grass of heaven]
i have not been able to be present well, in the ways id like to be lately. this is partly that i am doing things like blogging at 11:13 instead of focusing on God. im not beating myself up. Gods seriously brought before me the riches of spending time w him and i say thats nice, thanks. i'll catch you in a few.
but i did read something that made it to a mirror in my apt. mirror status is huge, and marks a growth point in my life, just so you know.
ive read this chapter alot. it usually happens to me. something is so freeken familiar and all of a sudden. im really not sure if this is the best, but im going to do it. im going to explain how my heart interpreted this.
isaiah 40:1-2
comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem[main important city in israel- main important place for me- my heart and mind], and proclaim to her that her hard service [time in jail for what i have done toward my Jesus] has been completed,that her sin has been paid for,that she has recieved from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.[this last part- im thinking. and its a wow. recieved payment? but its been paid for! how can we recieve double? a payment is a payment, right? so more than the required above that is a gift. if i paid off a credit card and then continued large payments, i would be looked on as rediculous by everyone, hands down.theres no common sense in this. but i like it. ive been living in the payment. i think im ready to start looking at the extra, the seemingly rediculous now. cuz thats mine- im just not sure what to do with it. makes me think of a financial advisor, and then that how awsome im learning how to manage my actual moneyright now, and that i need a spiritual advisor, and oh yea! i have one! - hey, its late cut me some slack.
i have to say, i like Holy.
amazing, that he can hang out with me all day by his power. the very essence of him (that is the antithesis of what ive been) is purity, and thats sitting in me day in and day out, ready to be shown to others, but only in the gentleman way that he is. not forceful. waiting for me to allow it.
06 March 2010
ya know what i hate?
drivers who speed up and slow down next to me just to piss me off.
the fact that we mass produce so many clothes and throw so much of it away.
when i feel undervalued by my friends.
when i take my friends for granted and undervalue them.
that sex/ dating/ relationships have become so skewed and its a fight to perceive and strive for good interaction. that theres so many doubts.
bad communication
my bathrooom door not closing with the towel rack that is supposed to allow me to hang towels and close the door. i know its the door/ frame relationship. i should invest in a planing tool...:-P
my lighting situation in my living room. still not what i want. its too dark.
children yelling at each other.
that i dont love people easily.
evil and lies.
that i cant rest in knowing my friends love me.
that i cant rest in some areas knowing God loves me.
thats all i can think of right now
drivers who speed up and slow down next to me just to piss me off.
the fact that we mass produce so many clothes and throw so much of it away.
when i feel undervalued by my friends.
when i take my friends for granted and undervalue them.
that sex/ dating/ relationships have become so skewed and its a fight to perceive and strive for good interaction. that theres so many doubts.
bad communication
my bathrooom door not closing with the towel rack that is supposed to allow me to hang towels and close the door. i know its the door/ frame relationship. i should invest in a planing tool...:-P
my lighting situation in my living room. still not what i want. its too dark.
children yelling at each other.
that i dont love people easily.
evil and lies.
that i cant rest in knowing my friends love me.
that i cant rest in some areas knowing God loves me.
thats all i can think of right now
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