life

im getting a gingival graft and braces fairly soon.
finally starting to feel like an adult, and will now be looking pretty awkward. yay.
:-P

a 2 month old that was born to one of the ladies at work stopped breathing the end of last week. our office had some numbness and tears. i couldnt cry for days and finally at the rosary/veiwing. i did NOT want to look at khloe.i knew she was going to look like the little precious doll she was.

i hated all the praying to mary- like we have to work with words to get a darling 2 month old into heaven! like we have to work with words to get anyone into heaven. like its up to us. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHITSHIT
the poor man doing the rosary said some fearful, uncomforting things, like God was looking at his gsrden and saw an empty spot and decided khloe could fill it well, and that shes an angel now. thats all i picked up on through my sorrow and anger- he may have said some more shit.
rosary chanting really does numb you out. good if youre tired of crying.

in other news. restored party girl description as told by russ- super beatiful and scarey.
im starting to agree with my worth, but what he said felt huge. i cant hold Jesus in this body!!! are you kidding me, God? is all that good lovely and trueness going to be able to find its place HERE? really? i can start to believe it. comfort in knowing the expansion is over my lifetime, however long that is. saying its over a life time feels long. the growing pains are going to be spread out. yes. not all at once. [that reminds me of the guy in the great divorce(i think?) whose feet were hurt by the reality of the grass of heaven]

i have not been able to be present well, in the ways id like to be lately. this is partly that i am doing things like blogging at 11:13 instead of focusing on God. im not beating myself up. Gods seriously brought before me the riches of spending time w him and i say thats nice, thanks. i'll catch you in a few.
but i did read something that made it to a mirror in my apt. mirror status is huge, and marks a growth point in my life, just so you know.
ive read this chapter alot. it usually happens to me. something is so freeken familiar and all of a sudden. im really not sure if this is the best, but im going to do it. im going to explain how my heart interpreted this.
isaiah 40:1-2
comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem[main important city in israel- main important place for me- my heart and mind], and proclaim to her that her hard service [time in jail for what i have done toward my Jesus] has been completed,that her sin has been paid for,that she has recieved from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.[this last part- im thinking. and its a wow. recieved payment? but its been paid for! how can we recieve double? a payment is a payment, right? so more than the required above that is a gift. if i paid off a credit card and then continued large payments, i would be looked on as rediculous by everyone, hands down.theres no common sense in this. but i like it. ive been living in the payment. i think im ready to start looking at the extra, the seemingly rediculous now. cuz thats mine- im just not sure what to do with it. makes me think of a financial advisor, and then that how awsome im learning how to manage my actual moneyright now, and that i need a spiritual advisor, and oh yea! i have one! - hey, its late cut me some slack.
i have to say, i like Holy.
amazing, that he can hang out with me all day by his power. the very essence of him (that is the antithesis of what ive been) is purity, and thats sitting in me day in and day out, ready to be shown to others, but only in the gentleman way that he is. not forceful. waiting for me to allow it.