wheres the kindness to myself and others in speaking of pain and disappointment that has come about in friendships?
i think i know the answer. being face to face with someone and saying something hard is hard. and if theyre uncomfortable, it makes me just want to wrap it up and have it be okay.
gah.
next topic, somewhat similar:
speaking with a friend last night, i was left mulling over how i veiwed the situation we were talking about. its really easy for me to look logically at the situation. i dont believe i entered the pain and confusion that was being felt. in alot of ways thats good. but what about the part of her heart that was hurting. if i cant hold the parts of my heart well and be curious about what i need in situations im dealing with, how can i expect to be kind to those places in others? its easy to tell someone to do something. actually doing it myself- yea, right. again, here comes the fear. GO AWAY - YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE!! my heart is bound up in Christ.

what do i need? its a good question. ive been coming up with some answers. one was apparent yesterday. i cleaned and organized my house, and have come to grips with the fact that it is restful for my soul, brings me peace, and keeps me away from anxiety/ depressed moments to have everything in order- and CLEAN.
simple. but now i know i need it to be kind to myself and others.
its actually hard to name what i need.
i can speak things i want deeply, but how does that link up to my needs? if im wanting something really desperately, theres bound to be a need involved.

this feels like a "finally"

pray with me my friends. just as you read this, you can agree and that is prayer. i am more willing now to do some battling. im tired of being afraid, and thats one thing that Jesus specifically says we have NOT been given. ask him with me, that my pride would be removed and i would not count myself above anyone that needs to have whatever from him that i am in a place to give. i mean, can i not prepare bags for the people i see on the street corners? can i not be ready? this is actually a place of fear above anything else. afraid that now i am responsible, fear that now i have to be aware of more pain around me. now i have to look people in the eyes and care about them. my heart is already there, breaking for people. but if they dont see it, whats the point? "be well and warm"
yea thats worthless.
and i know much can be accomplished through prayer- but do i even take the time to lift people up that i come in contact with? no, im more worried about how their painful interaction has hurt me, and did i perform well in what i did say to them- bleh.

i feel kinda done talking about the fear in that arena.
theres something else id like prayer in, and i think theres fear intertwined with it. but its more of being settled in tension. im constantly sitting in the place of wanting to be with another half. i also know this may not happen. everyone tells me i will marry, and im pretty sure of it too. but there are people that dont marry. and people told them the same thing. God hasnt told me i'll be married. but i still hope. i just would like to not feel this radar so badly. i dont want to meet guys and automatically rate them on the scale of possibility. it feels like im demeaning them. i want to see people how God sees them. yea, these are my prayers.