might be tmi for some.

had a lovely gg time where lots of pushing was happening, exploding revelations. breaking freer from lies.
i almost did a role play. decided against. mostly because it wouldve been unplanned and i dont know that anyone in the room couldve handled being the sounding board. at that moment.

i came home joyous for the things that were broken into, for myself and others.
i came home decided about the moments when my addiction tries to grab hold of me. i will find a special journal. i will put all connected to this addiction there. my conversations w God. i will take time to slow down when my addiction wants to play. and i will sit and wonder. ive let God in just so far about this. its mostly been asking him to take it, and / or sitting knowing he still loves me - and doing it anyway.
it hurts my past and keeps things locked away- im pretty sure. i dont have all my memories.
it hurts me . now. it hurts me later. it hurts my future husband because its isolating. and husbands dont make anything better or go away. theyre just people stuck in your mess. same w kids .
and i want so badly to not be afraid to speak to my children about everything or anything. and maybe i will be afraid. but i want to do it. i want them to hear [at an appropriate time] that their mom is human, and that she has screwed up alot. and she gets scared , and probably tired of being a mom all the time but that doesnt change her love for them.

i woke up sick today, and was frustrated because things need to get done. i feel better now. over the course of the morning[6-11] i threw up/ diarrhea-ed 3 times. i think as we get older , being sick hurts more. i remember being sick as a child and dont remember hurting so bad that i was crying and wanting to rip out my stomach.
took alot of little naps in which i was always sick and couldnt really move, but there were things to be done for the weddings. like, it was the day of. horrible.
i ate about 6 raspberries, a piece of toast, and some oj. along w alot of water. all day. i figure not eating and letting my intestines rest until theyre hearty again is a good thing. im not going to worry about eating because i think i need it; im going to eat when my actual stomach feels hungry. im going to stop weighing myself at work, im going to stop wondering when i'll gain weight. i'll stop trying so hard to gain. i will let myself be tiny and try to love that.
ive been in a pretty good place w this, but it just needs to go away. i cant have it trying to become my "safer" substitute addiction.

its going to take time to let God really speak to me. time i dont allow myself or him to have . but i do want it.
these next 3 months i have 2 weekends open. 2. some of these weekends have multiple things ive agreed or wanted to do. this is not counting the weeks of kids club.
some of you might think this is fine/normal- whatever. its not. its not for you, its not for me. life doesnt have to be so fast. we all know theres things happening for us during the work week, aside from work. God asks us to rest and i for one dont listen most of the time.

GOING CRAZY OMG!
2 FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED WITHIN 3 MO OF EACH OTHER.
MAID OF HONOR FOR BOTH-[awesome, thank you, wouldnt have it any other way. my 2 closest friends]
PARTIES TO PLAN.
KIDS CLUB NEEDS A MAN.
LEARNING TO TEACH WELL. IM NO TEACHER. I HATE THIS MOLD GOD IS SHOVING ME IN.
ROMANIA. i think this one is the least of my worries. it will feel like a va-cay with everything else.

::hm. wonder if theres trying to be distractions here.
someone reminded me of something so importante. if i dont have time to cover it in prayer, maybe i shouldnt do it.
i dont think that its an - i dont have time to pray. but will i decide that the prayer is more important than the doing?

my life is going to change. i hear HS's whisper to risk a new kind of life, one without addiction.
it scares me; i have no idea what my life would look like, feel like. its always been there, along with the far- reaching lies that go along with it.

God had me stumble on a thought today.
my joy is really circumstantial. i hope for rest and joy in Gods goodness beyond what is happening in my life right now. i want to find joy and be interested in loving people well.
part of me has always thought, if i love on them, theyll love on me back! esp in christian circles. and that is the case at times. most definitely not all the time . but they wont. if im really to follow Jesus, its to love not demanding anything be returned to me, to know its all for the edification of others. cant do that on my own. but the revelation is nice.
curious about how these 2 things are intersecting.