please be in prayer w me. i need to hear from God and have peace.
this is about bedbugs.
my parents came today and we had a really relaxing wonderful time! noah, my bro, is going to colorado for 2 mo being a leader/counselor. so he had to get fleecy stuff, long underwear, a backpack, some shoes. we spent hours in the quarry- he and my mom mostly in whole earth provision.
we came back to my place and started talking about bed bugs. my dad is coming next weekend to fix my dryer. also, at that time[ well technically before] im going to be making a decision about moving or not. this entails me talking to my apt manager/ calling my own pest control because i think the people the complex are using are worthless in this senario-world wide pest co or something. they are too busy. hence talking to my manager. pray this goes well- i dont want any of this to leave a bad taste in her mouth concerning christians or God.
i have no money for pest services too, which is a hard spot because technically since i have verifiably [sp?] had them, they are supposed to pay for the txments. so...do i go with them again and have it be free, or just drop them and have someone else thats better?
there just needs to be alot of communication and i havent been wanting to do research and communicate.
if i move,


i dont even know what to write after that. theres so many options of thoughts i can put after that comma. please pray for peace to know Gods best in all conversation and that i would weigh everything and take time to really hear whats being said and that God would speak through me and to me.

i would love my summer to look like children and friends coming over to my house and being loved on. going to romania; doing / being for others .

so far its looked like being more by myself/ alone than id like, not being able to pour into others in a way that feels so natural and easy for me.
so far its looked like staring straight into the face of something i desperately want and cant seem to grasp. 4 times [ so far as i know]
my paradigm, MO for how i live, outlook, whatever you want to call it-- is being royally screwed with.
i dont think id mind so much if i didnt feel at such a loss. i dont feel like -well, actually, im not- anywhere near cooperating the way i should.

i believe that the things i do stop what Gods hopes are for me. sin can ruin things, right?

i dont know how to get out of it. i never have.

this sounds so completely depressing and i cant say anymore and i cant delete it either.
im excited for the summer because its different and i know its changing. but if the whole fucking reason is for me to just be alone with my problems and God- to not feel like im having any outward purpose towards others- i cant handle this.

its hard for me at times to find words to what im feeling
its hard for me to slow down and listen to them
funny, for someone that wants to be known- to not give themselves enough time to hear themselves.
im tender and wanting people around.
but its not what i need.
its been hard for me to not invite people over because of the bed bug transmission possibility.
i have been spoken to strongly and clearly today by a God who loves me and wont give up.
i may tell yall about it concisely in another blog; most likely it will leak out.

im going now to find/meet with Someone whos been waiting to have my undivided attention for a WHILE.