i would love my summer to look like children and friends coming over to my house and being loved on. going to romania; doing / being for others .

so far its looked like being more by myself/ alone than id like, not being able to pour into others in a way that feels so natural and easy for me.
so far its looked like staring straight into the face of something i desperately want and cant seem to grasp. 4 times [ so far as i know]
my paradigm, MO for how i live, outlook, whatever you want to call it-- is being royally screwed with.
i dont think id mind so much if i didnt feel at such a loss. i dont feel like -well, actually, im not- anywhere near cooperating the way i should.

i believe that the things i do stop what Gods hopes are for me. sin can ruin things, right?

i dont know how to get out of it. i never have.

this sounds so completely depressing and i cant say anymore and i cant delete it either.
im excited for the summer because its different and i know its changing. but if the whole fucking reason is for me to just be alone with my problems and God- to not feel like im having any outward purpose towards others- i cant handle this.