lets just say its hard to live out a dream and a truth about yourself when the real world is happening around you, telling you that faster is better and you have to fulfill so many obligations and what your dream entails isnt important enough.
Absolute One is tugging at my creative soul.
today i pushed my hacked- up table next to the wall and propped the canvas up that way. id looked at easels, but didnt feel like i could get one yet. the cheap ones are a little too cheaply made; id like one that is sturdy. and maybe has telescopic legs. so this will wait.
i was textin w my mom today. she randomly tells me [after i lethargically started my creation] that my dad got me an easel!
this is what my dreaming has been up against my whole life .
her text: your dad got you an easel :/ [my thought, why the face?! id let them in on where id been. ALOT. prolly cost him 10 or 20 bucks and shes just tired of his random purchases, but really. 20 bucks. whatever mom.]
my response: cool!!!
we go back and forth a bit- she tells me that he actually found it in a vacated office that he was doing some work on, and it was broken, but of course he fixed it.
why the face?
it was and will be such a blessing! ive never used an easel before, ive always been on the floor or against the wall. alot of times i was out in the driveway, because im messy. which is ok.
it kills me that theres such a void in my mom about hoping, and liking things . she keeps her heart closed in this area. ive asked her about things shed like to do, and it always comes down to travel . seeing places. which is cool, but i know theres something deeper . she used to do photography. and she was good. i know theres more.

help! theres a cookie in my salad!

do you ever feel like that? like theres something that feels "wrong" and decadent mixed in something thats "good" for you?

and youre kinda taken aback, and wonder if its ok that the cookie's there? wondering who put the cookie there- to tempt or to bless?
you want the cookie to be real. to be ok to eat. ::maybe its a vegan cookie. with carob::

theres all sorts of things we put in salads to "dress them up" - why not just crumble the cookie up in there/ is that any worse? or just blatantly pull that cookie out and enjoy it.
our "dressing up" makes things more palatable- we're still lookin pretty healthy. still feels pretty healthy. and it is. but we really want the cookie. and when its put on our plate, we're not sure we can eat it. it has become a symbol of all thats bad. its not healthy enough.
im not sure where overindulging fits into my senario. so i cant go there yet. and yall cant help me cuz you dont know what im talking about, really. which is fine.
i actually just had this great title pop into my head and the analogy materialized very quickly after, and i had to get it out.

God is crazy by human thought.


hes been whispering to me..... and im thinking, can i DO that?! can i BE that?!