it has been a while

hi!
i feel like i dont have time to say all i want to convey. i'll just start and when i get worn out or its time to go to calebs birthday dinner, i'll stop. hows that.
thank you God for the rain. i love the fact that i was talking to a mom at work who is a believer and she was saying something to the effect that theyre predicting an 8 yr drought. whatever. i told her no.
and then it rained. true, we can still be in droughts when it rains. but God shows up when he needs to . if all our fruit gets listeria [ which btw why such a pretty name for something bad?] and all our veggies get some other great named nasty, there will be provision.

i keep getting told its going to get really hard. i keep trying to kinda agree and maybe not have to do as much praying as should accompany said hardships.
Gods breaking off bondages. and spoken to me about not passing on crap to my children. first, im confronted w the fact that i havent ever really seriously thought i might have actual chilldren, and secoondly- and i think more importantly- ive never really seen my spiritual children as real children, and ive definitely never thought that my generational sins and other sins ive agreed to, and my personal lies, would really effect others spiritually. that i could so impact negatively from places they may never even know about!!!
it was sobering.
whats also sobering is what im really going to start being mean about towards myself. women, i need your help. i would love to have you all in a room and be able to say this to you. specifically jenn, b[weird ive never called you that],tay, sam and mal. and mal.hahahah i just felt like i had to shorten everything. i cant think -- oh- and lizzy and leah. i cant really think of anyone else that comes in contact closely w me that reads this. even if youre far away though, id love some long-distance lovin and help.
please dont agree to this if you dont feel you can. but i need -desperately- to be accountable for how i am betraying myself and my future. namely the masturbation. if yall can strongly ask me how thats going- hopefully its not!!-- and be ruthless. and if some of you could commit to allowing me to call you in the moments i need to talk something out? this sounds horrible, but im not at the place where i can do that with God. i mean, ive tried and very few times its worked, but im not allowing it to be effective. im not strong enough. i need a very tangible interaction. im not really sure exactly if this is what im wanting, but i need to start being drastic with myself. i feel like theres too many nuances of bondage that are wrapped up in all of that. its been way too long, and i dont want to be 30, saying, wow. ive had this problem for about 25 yrs. not cool.
i need this to be so out in the open it makes me uncomfortable. and you know it takes alot for me to be uncomfortable sometimes. the darkness needs constant light shed. im so tired.
thanks for letting me say all that. again, i wont judge or feel slighted or let down if this isnt something that you can walk alongside w me in. its a big ask.
yea, im done. i'll talk about some other stuff later.

there is so much in my heart.
i walk around in these times, just telling friends and such, God is so awesome!
encouraging them and really believing Gods best for them, and feeling all chipper.
i dont make time to explain to myself what God is doing.

i talk to others so it will get heard, which is good- theres evangelism and encouragement in that.
but shouldnt i talk to God about what hes telling? have a conversation?
these moments when i really crave to DO things, and be moving, and be around people- i feel alive, but im shoving God a little to the side.
im excited that ive had a free weekend. its been really wonderful; i havent taken a free weekend for granted in a long time, and i dont think i soon will. im thankful for the crazy times, it makes me grateful.
but back to this. yes. feeling alive and doing things is good, but if i dont soak in what hes giving, its not going to be a part of my mind and heart.

i want to talk it all out to yall, but i think i just need to break out of this having people near and get somewhere different.

5 benefits.

this beth moore study is what my mind and soul need.

she extrapolated that there are 5 benefits to Gods children.
-to know and believe God
-to glorify God
-find satisfaction in God
-experience Gods peace
-enjoy Gods presence

i was hit like - i dunno what like. hard by something big.
im so not resting and living out any of these fully. which, in a way is ok. i mean, we grow and its a process. some of these really are fundamental and ive been a christian for a while now.
God wants for us what our minds have never conceived, our eyes never seen, and our ears never heard.
this is hard for me to believe. i have a HUGE imagination and think up all this really great stuff. things i think are awesome. its hard for me to wrap my imagination around the fact that his is bigger, and he can do anything--and also that the things he can do, he would.
i want to believe fuly that he has my BEST in mind. i want to seek him out so that what i think is best is the things that are really the best- glorifying him, loving him and others, thinking of others first...theres a slew of extras i could keep typing, but i want to get on to the glory.

my efforts in glorifying God are riddled w pride, and glorifying myself. [im not saying all this stuff to just put myself down, dont feel bad for me...God is def showing me the truth in some of the depths of my heart, and id thought to share.]
there are some verses that she had us look up, and it blew me away. Gods glory fills everything, he resides there, he wont give it to another, its a display of his ability and power, its his name, its his voice, Jesus came in glory, we are called by his glory.

the thing that hit me was, his glory shows up in his creation, and we are his creation. it made me think of that "God shaped hole" or "void"that we christians have talked about.... does his glory reside dormant in our souls, but somehow cries out to be reunited to the one that made us? he will not give his glory to another-- hes fought for us. and he won. and he continues to call to us, because he is rightly jealous for his people.
blew my mind. it gets better!

Jesus in us is the hope of glory, and we are ever increasing in glory!
this showed me how far i am from him, but also all the hope and joy that is going to be in the process of increasing.
theres a few lines that just hit me between the eyes, and im able to believe him a little more...:)

john 17:9-10
"In this context, Christ used the word glory to indicate wealth and riches He had recieved. No matter where you are on this journey to the glorifying, liberated life in Christ, you are His treasure. He does not want to take from you [bolding mine]. He wants to give to you and free you from any hinderance to the abundant and effective Spirit- filled life He died to give you."

i dunno where i got off thinking that hes taking from me. i mean, it does look like taking. but its always just removal so he can give. always giving. i dont want to hold on so tightly to anything anymore. my ideas, ideals, desires, dreams. i want to be open for the giving, and be grateful for all, every day.
im guessing the other 3 benefits will hit me just as hard, so until then...