it has been a while

hi!
i feel like i dont have time to say all i want to convey. i'll just start and when i get worn out or its time to go to calebs birthday dinner, i'll stop. hows that.
thank you God for the rain. i love the fact that i was talking to a mom at work who is a believer and she was saying something to the effect that theyre predicting an 8 yr drought. whatever. i told her no.
and then it rained. true, we can still be in droughts when it rains. but God shows up when he needs to . if all our fruit gets listeria [ which btw why such a pretty name for something bad?] and all our veggies get some other great named nasty, there will be provision.

i keep getting told its going to get really hard. i keep trying to kinda agree and maybe not have to do as much praying as should accompany said hardships.
Gods breaking off bondages. and spoken to me about not passing on crap to my children. first, im confronted w the fact that i havent ever really seriously thought i might have actual chilldren, and secoondly- and i think more importantly- ive never really seen my spiritual children as real children, and ive definitely never thought that my generational sins and other sins ive agreed to, and my personal lies, would really effect others spiritually. that i could so impact negatively from places they may never even know about!!!
it was sobering.
whats also sobering is what im really going to start being mean about towards myself. women, i need your help. i would love to have you all in a room and be able to say this to you. specifically jenn, b[weird ive never called you that],tay, sam and mal. and mal.hahahah i just felt like i had to shorten everything. i cant think -- oh- and lizzy and leah. i cant really think of anyone else that comes in contact closely w me that reads this. even if youre far away though, id love some long-distance lovin and help.
please dont agree to this if you dont feel you can. but i need -desperately- to be accountable for how i am betraying myself and my future. namely the masturbation. if yall can strongly ask me how thats going- hopefully its not!!-- and be ruthless. and if some of you could commit to allowing me to call you in the moments i need to talk something out? this sounds horrible, but im not at the place where i can do that with God. i mean, ive tried and very few times its worked, but im not allowing it to be effective. im not strong enough. i need a very tangible interaction. im not really sure exactly if this is what im wanting, but i need to start being drastic with myself. i feel like theres too many nuances of bondage that are wrapped up in all of that. its been way too long, and i dont want to be 30, saying, wow. ive had this problem for about 25 yrs. not cool.
i need this to be so out in the open it makes me uncomfortable. and you know it takes alot for me to be uncomfortable sometimes. the darkness needs constant light shed. im so tired.
thanks for letting me say all that. again, i wont judge or feel slighted or let down if this isnt something that you can walk alongside w me in. its a big ask.
yea, im done. i'll talk about some other stuff later.