somehow these past few years i find myself reading the beginning of luke, unplanned w the Christmas season. but there i am, shocked to find that i am again reading the story. that i somehow "stumbled" on it.
i like how luke writes.
and i was slapped in the face by this verse.
24 " After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant and for 5 months stayed in seclusion."

the kjv says
"And after those days his wife Elisabeth conceived, and hid herself five months, saying, Thus hath the Lord dealt with me in the days wherein he looked on [me], to take away my reproach among men. And in the sixth month the angel Gabriel was sent from God unto a city of Galilee, named Nazareth,"

is there a reason she stayed in seclusion and hid, until the month that gabriel went to mary to tell her about her role?
funny that someone would hide for as long as she could, the very thing that would take away her "reproach among men."
i wonder if she really felt the reproach at this stage in her life or not. maybe she was worried she would lose the baby, and didnt want to tell anyone, or maybe she just liked resting in the joy that God gave her with the pregnancy- like, wanting it all to herself.

it made me think too, how when God gives to us, has us conceive something- do we cherish it? are there appropriate times to be "hiding" and taking ourselves into seclusion?
this is as far as my brain has gotten.

sunday. i love this sunday

today is steeped in reality. like a truth teabag in my cupsoul.
ok, sorry.
had wonderful time w friends last night, GREAT sleep!, lovely rainy/ overcast/ cold day, good chats and meaningful moments with people at church today. real church was had these last two days. and i have felt myself be filled, and it has softened me and sharpened my focus. God gave me the thought of being conscious of other people only. of listening. of not worrying about talking about me. not worrying if i am feeling good. funny, when i focus on others, that happens anyway. i dont have to look out for myself.
God will take care of me.
ikki gave a sermon that left me in tears for a few reasons. obvious is, theyre leaving. i could kick myself for not asking for more time w tara.
exhortation. i know what God has given my heart in passion and what i want to see accomplished. im scared, though. i stood w some others today in church, admitting i know what i have available to me to be able to impact others with the reality and love of God, and admitted that i need courage.
if i dont call CASA by january, please feel free to do something dastardly to me. like kick me in the face with a nail infested donut.
yea, i dont know either.
my life begs for Gods ordering. God has been calling to me and calling to me to make time for him. reading not a fan. by kyle idleman, and im wondering about why i take the casual acquaintance relationship i have w God lightly. i sometimes get intimate when it suits me. but i am never committed. when im with a friend i can see, i dont just drop them and go hang out w someone else when they call. and i dont just give my friends the beginning sleepyness or last scraps of my day.
thats it for my life blurb.

my life

is fast right now! feels fast anyway, like theres a bunch of things asking for my attention and i wonder whats the best.
ya know, we ask God to guide us but then we make alot of ouor own desicions. at least thats what im pretty sure i do. all i can shoot for is having long enough time in his word, at his feet, so it becomes me. and i make the choices he has for everyone that are best for everyone involved.

last kids club had 15 kids!!!! over a year ago i wouldve had a heart attack. i remember hoping they wouldnt show up. i remember thinking 9 kids was exorbitant. theres actually 20 on the list that would possibly come.
it gets crowded in my living room
and i love it. i hate that our time is filled with stories and projects, actually. i wish i could just play with each one of them, focus on each one and let them know they are loved. i had to get on them for being crazy and not respecting each other or the speaker. it killed me. and we didnt have time for me to explain all that. explain that i love them deeply.
we're doing a bible study right now in the singles' group that is focusing on spiritual giftings and how we're living, lately. one of the questions was about our passion. i obviously have a passion for letting kids know they are loved.
i wonder if what im doing is enough. or is there more? i hate that some things get put on a scale- like, this is more important than that. this is a more greater service. but there is truth to it still. like, a child getting raped over and over IS a little more traumatic than maybe a parent overlooking their child on a regular basis. it seems to be, anyway. just depends on what the child does with that information. what they are given as tools afterwards- will they be tools to build up from whats been broken, or tools to destroy?
a vision i have had for a long time is working in an orphanage, and getting people out of the sex trade. these things make me cry like my whole family has just been brutally murdered. at least when no ones around. i can hide it in public. anyway. does God actually have a place for me in those things in the future? or is it just for me to work out here, where i am, with the children and people around me that have no father and mother that care about them, that have been wounded by societies misuse of sex?
i just heard tonight of a hardworking family in my complex were the dad works in the day and the mom works at night. from all outward appearances they love their children. but since no one can watch the little ones- or they havent tried hard enough to find reasonable daycare- they have locked their small children in a room all day while the mom sleeps. she IS at home, but in a way that assures she wont be bothered unless they yell.
my heart doesnt even know what to do with this.

i think
i hope
i want
i need

and im scared of finishing those sentences.