somehow i ripped a new hole in my nose while changing out rings. meh. it hurts like a new piercing. i have nothing in right now, and am not going to put anything in until it stops aching. i might not have a hole at that point. i dont know how i feel about that.
i bought a pepper grinder to get fine coffee grounds, thinking it would be more cost - effective than a coffee mill. well, it is cheaper, but the amount of time it takes is ridiculous. and i compared my blade- ground,, um, grinds to the pepper mill ones, and the blades do a pretty decent job. so fooey on you, coffee snobs that say the grounds need to be fine and uniform, hence blade grinders are inferior!
i now have a cute pepper mill that is useless to me. i dont like to freshly grind pepper. i think its pretentious. sorry.but the pre- ground kind tastes the same to me.
God keeps drilling in my heart that i dont have to have it together. "while we were yet sinners" is the anthem that pounds in my mind on an almost daily basis.
i feel crazy when i accept, even look, for sin. i know the truth. i have known freedom and healing. i know the worthlessness of how i try to fill my hearts longing.i know what the lies are....
and he is slowly showing me there is depth to my lies. they are down in there. he has reminded me of pain i have had, not just to link it up to what is happening now, but to remind me that he sees me, he saw and sees what is done to me by others and myself, and he loves me. he caresses my face in my deepest sleep. he longs for my heart to rest in him.
my wounds have felt more and more sinister. and God keeps pouring out peace and healing when he tells me i dont have to do penance for any of it. "My faith begins with His pursuit, and He is responsible for completing it." - jan meyers
coming face to face with my disassociation, and naming that, gives freedom. i dont need coping mechanisms anymore. His power is sufficient. may i never forget this.
last night i was overwhelmed with the amount of shit my husband is going to have to deal with. some of the stuff that im going to be bringing to the table is alarming to me- im not aware of all of it. it saddens me. it also encourages me. there is a man that is fit for this. i am encouraged by multiple friends' marriages, and knowing that there have been good battles, and everyone/everything that needs to still be standing, is.
i bought what to expect when youre expecting- the first year, and another first year book by the academy of pediatrics for about 10$ [including s&h] from amazon. the stupid s&h was the bulk of it. both books were under a dollar. i dont care if theyre falling apart. i need to know the norm for babies as im dealing with them at the shelter. they have their own sched and stuff, which is necessary and based loosely on the childs needs. but i need to know the developmental needs. the workers dont have enough time to interact well with each kiddo, and since i'll probably be doing alot of baby stuff [greatest need], id like to know who i need to be showing shapes to, who needs to hear songs, who needs their name repeated. ya know. stuff like that. they dont have very great interactive playtime, and i know enough to know thats crucial. so i want every minute to count.
i am becoming more different, and i am glad. i am also worried that when tim, jon and sam come back, and with things most likely settling down into more of a routine when school starts, that i will slip back into who i have been. not that i am totally, drastically new. but there are parts of my heart that dont want to even see a shade of oldness. dunno how much fight is going to be needed. there is definitely going to be some goodbyes, and that feels the hardest to do for my heart. my heart has been dependent on certain ways of relating and such...'she' cant live like that anymore. its deadening. so. heres to learning how to breathe underwater!
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=910MMJNU
05 August 2012
28 July 2012
i havent journaled personally yet; wanted to talk it out. somehow i feel like im talking to friends this way, like its being heard in real time somehow.
im gonna have to be vague about the kids at the shelter for safety reasons. might make my writing even harder to follow. hope not. so i did a stint from 9 45 til 3 on friday. the lady asked me where id like to help, and i really dont mind, just wherever they need it most. so, she put me with the babies/ toddlers. well, most of them weren't toddling yet- theyre learning tho. some are standing and taking a few steps. all were pulling themselves up. i wasnt really sure on the age range. guess theyre still completely considered babies until they walk? and can eat solid food? a couple of them could. i think those that could eat actual food couldve been walking by now, they just werent and arent given enough stimulation. one of the honies just walked right up to me and flopped on my neck, laying ___ head on my shoulder and just resting there. ___stayed with me, content to be held going to snack. this childs name is ridiculous. like, beyond stupid. i wish i could tell people. the parents dont deserve to get this child back, solely on that piece of information, if you ask me. theres no worth to this name at all.
ok, done with my rant.
theres alot of strapping in strollers and strapping in high chairs. all of that business takes up alot of time. the cafeteria is a totally separate building, which works well for the older children, esp since they do school there. its a pain in the butt for the little ones and their caregivers. reflecting on it now, it seems so unrestful. the babies barely get to play- all their time is taken up getting strapped in and out, and waiting for the other babies....they dont get enough time to get bored of playing.
i was wanting to sing, and make noise- there were older ladies there, and a younger guy, maybe around my age, that has volunteered alot and was bouncing back and forth betweenn areas of need. the "abuelas" are mostly silent, not talking to the children at all, really, and the guy was talking to them like they were elementary age, and about to get in trouble. [like, "dont throw that, youre gonna hit ______." and dont kick him"- when the baby isnt even aware that his foot is about to hit another's head.] not that he was inept or bad with the kiddos. it was just weird to me at times, didnt seem age appropriate/ conducive to their growth.
they all seemed slow to understand most words. even their names. i wonder if thats because they are hearing a constant stream of different voices saying their name.
nap time was the most fun. i think i loved it because the babies really get to be touched for an extended amount of time. they are really good about staying with each child until they close their eyes/ go to sleep. some of the little ones went out quickly, some were more fussy.
i held a really new baby- maybe a month old. maybe 6 weeks. perfect little face. brought tears to my eyes. how sad to be alone when youre that little and helpless. i hope for most of the children that their families can get straightened up and go back quickly. some of them i hope they get in their "forever home" instead of their family of origin, because lets face it. if the kid is in any way special needs, theyre better off in another family, if theyve been taken away already.
one of the honeys was going home that day. a worker came in with a paper and nonchalantly announced "______'s going today." there was this interesting undercurrent of excitement. felt like hope and fear together. it was naptime, and there was some scurrying to figure out if it was right that moment, or if the nap could be taken first. i prayed over the family and the child. then i started praying over all of them. i whispered about Jesus to the swaddled wiggler i was trying to make sleepy. talking didnt really help that one, though!
i want more time there. i want to work there. i want to be a mom. i want to care for and pour into a select few. this pouring out a little to a lot doesnt seem that worthwhile.
ok, i just remembered this, and i have to brag on myself. some background first. one of the abuelitas was caring for a little one with a rash, and there were socks on the hands and fussiness happening. the abuelita told me not to touch the child, that it was sick. i thought, ok, the kid has something kinda contagious. well, it was just probably a heat rash from a high fever, because the skin was kinda hard and rough. the woman that was actually in charge didnt have a problem with me touching the child. i got the little one to smile and laugh, and later saw a sign, explaining that ______ needed sitting time, etc. [for strengthening. basically the kid needs extra physical interaction]. it made me so sad that there couldnt be more one on one for the child. when we went to snack, and this one was done, back in the stroller we go and wait. waiting is boring and crying commenced. but, movement was what was wanted. the other babies needed to be taken out of the highchairs. once i left this particular little one, though, the crying started. and no one else could help, or maybe didnt care. so [ this is the 'yay, heather!' part], i wheeled over to a high chair, rocked the stroller back and forth with one foot while i removed a tray, unbuckled a baby from its chair, and lifted it out to put it in another stroller. did that a couple times.
im hoping to plan better and clear my schedule more so i can go on the weekends, when its more needed.
ok, im sleepy. i only got 2 hours of sleep last night- thanks, insomnia.
im gonna have to be vague about the kids at the shelter for safety reasons. might make my writing even harder to follow. hope not. so i did a stint from 9 45 til 3 on friday. the lady asked me where id like to help, and i really dont mind, just wherever they need it most. so, she put me with the babies/ toddlers. well, most of them weren't toddling yet- theyre learning tho. some are standing and taking a few steps. all were pulling themselves up. i wasnt really sure on the age range. guess theyre still completely considered babies until they walk? and can eat solid food? a couple of them could. i think those that could eat actual food couldve been walking by now, they just werent and arent given enough stimulation. one of the honies just walked right up to me and flopped on my neck, laying ___ head on my shoulder and just resting there. ___stayed with me, content to be held going to snack. this childs name is ridiculous. like, beyond stupid. i wish i could tell people. the parents dont deserve to get this child back, solely on that piece of information, if you ask me. theres no worth to this name at all.
ok, done with my rant.
theres alot of strapping in strollers and strapping in high chairs. all of that business takes up alot of time. the cafeteria is a totally separate building, which works well for the older children, esp since they do school there. its a pain in the butt for the little ones and their caregivers. reflecting on it now, it seems so unrestful. the babies barely get to play- all their time is taken up getting strapped in and out, and waiting for the other babies....they dont get enough time to get bored of playing.
i was wanting to sing, and make noise- there were older ladies there, and a younger guy, maybe around my age, that has volunteered alot and was bouncing back and forth betweenn areas of need. the "abuelas" are mostly silent, not talking to the children at all, really, and the guy was talking to them like they were elementary age, and about to get in trouble. [like, "dont throw that, youre gonna hit ______." and dont kick him"- when the baby isnt even aware that his foot is about to hit another's head.] not that he was inept or bad with the kiddos. it was just weird to me at times, didnt seem age appropriate/ conducive to their growth.
they all seemed slow to understand most words. even their names. i wonder if thats because they are hearing a constant stream of different voices saying their name.
nap time was the most fun. i think i loved it because the babies really get to be touched for an extended amount of time. they are really good about staying with each child until they close their eyes/ go to sleep. some of the little ones went out quickly, some were more fussy.
i held a really new baby- maybe a month old. maybe 6 weeks. perfect little face. brought tears to my eyes. how sad to be alone when youre that little and helpless. i hope for most of the children that their families can get straightened up and go back quickly. some of them i hope they get in their "forever home" instead of their family of origin, because lets face it. if the kid is in any way special needs, theyre better off in another family, if theyve been taken away already.
one of the honeys was going home that day. a worker came in with a paper and nonchalantly announced "______'s going today." there was this interesting undercurrent of excitement. felt like hope and fear together. it was naptime, and there was some scurrying to figure out if it was right that moment, or if the nap could be taken first. i prayed over the family and the child. then i started praying over all of them. i whispered about Jesus to the swaddled wiggler i was trying to make sleepy. talking didnt really help that one, though!
i want more time there. i want to work there. i want to be a mom. i want to care for and pour into a select few. this pouring out a little to a lot doesnt seem that worthwhile.
ok, i just remembered this, and i have to brag on myself. some background first. one of the abuelitas was caring for a little one with a rash, and there were socks on the hands and fussiness happening. the abuelita told me not to touch the child, that it was sick. i thought, ok, the kid has something kinda contagious. well, it was just probably a heat rash from a high fever, because the skin was kinda hard and rough. the woman that was actually in charge didnt have a problem with me touching the child. i got the little one to smile and laugh, and later saw a sign, explaining that ______ needed sitting time, etc. [for strengthening. basically the kid needs extra physical interaction]. it made me so sad that there couldnt be more one on one for the child. when we went to snack, and this one was done, back in the stroller we go and wait. waiting is boring and crying commenced. but, movement was what was wanted. the other babies needed to be taken out of the highchairs. once i left this particular little one, though, the crying started. and no one else could help, or maybe didnt care. so [ this is the 'yay, heather!' part], i wheeled over to a high chair, rocked the stroller back and forth with one foot while i removed a tray, unbuckled a baby from its chair, and lifted it out to put it in another stroller. did that a couple times.
im hoping to plan better and clear my schedule more so i can go on the weekends, when its more needed.
ok, im sleepy. i only got 2 hours of sleep last night- thanks, insomnia.
25 July 2012
pray for me! that i would find the niche in my schedule, that i would choose the necessary and wanted, and leave the rest behind for others to do. ask that i could see with clarity where i should be focusing my self and my time. there are so many good things that i can do, and i do them. and then im tired and am only giving half of myself.
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