somehow i ripped a new hole in my nose while changing out rings. meh. it hurts like a new piercing. i have nothing in right now, and am not going to put anything in until it stops aching. i might not have a hole at that point. i dont know how i feel about that.
i bought a pepper grinder to get fine coffee grounds, thinking it would be more cost - effective than a coffee mill. well, it is cheaper, but the amount of time it takes is ridiculous. and i compared my blade- ground,, um, grinds to the pepper mill ones, and the blades do a pretty decent job. so fooey on you, coffee snobs that say the grounds need to be fine and uniform, hence blade grinders are inferior! 
i now have a cute pepper mill that is useless to me. i dont like to freshly grind pepper. i think its pretentious. sorry.but the pre- ground kind tastes the same to me.

God keeps drilling in my heart that i dont have to have it together. "while we were yet sinners" is the anthem that pounds in my mind on an almost daily basis.
i feel crazy when i accept, even look, for sin. i know the truth. i have known freedom and healing. i know the worthlessness of how i try to fill my hearts longing.i know what the lies are....
and he is slowly showing me there is depth to my lies. they are down in there. he has reminded me of pain i have had, not just to link it up to what is happening now, but to remind me that he sees me, he saw and sees what is done to me by others and myself, and he loves me. he caresses my face in my deepest sleep. he longs for my heart to rest in him.
my wounds have felt more and more sinister. and God keeps pouring out peace and healing when he tells me i dont have to do penance for any of it. "My faith begins with His pursuit, and He is responsible for completing it." - jan meyers

coming face to face with my disassociation, and naming that, gives freedom. i dont need coping mechanisms anymore. His power is sufficient. may i never forget this.
last night i was overwhelmed with the amount of shit my husband is going to have to deal with. some of the stuff that im going to be bringing to the table is alarming to me- im not aware of all of it. it saddens me. it also encourages me. there is a man that is fit for this. i am encouraged by multiple friends' marriages, and knowing that there have been good battles, and everyone/everything that needs to still be standing, is.

i bought what to expect when youre expecting- the first year, and another first year book by the academy of pediatrics for about 10$ [including s&h] from amazon. the stupid s&h was the bulk of it. both books were under a dollar. i dont care if theyre falling apart. i need to know the norm for babies as im dealing with them at the shelter. they have their own sched and stuff, which is necessary and based loosely on the childs needs. but i need to know the developmental needs. the workers dont have enough time to interact well with each kiddo, and since i'll probably be doing alot of baby stuff [greatest need], id like to know who i need to be showing shapes to, who needs to hear songs, who needs their name repeated. ya know. stuff like that. they dont have very great interactive playtime, and i know enough to know thats crucial. so i want every minute to count.
i am becoming more different, and i am glad. i am also worried that when tim, jon and sam come back, and with things most  likely settling down into more of a routine when school starts, that i will slip back into who i have been. not that i am totally, drastically new. but there are parts of my heart that dont want to even see a shade of oldness. dunno how much fight is going to be needed. there is definitely going to be some goodbyes, and that feels the hardest to do for my heart. my heart has been dependent on certain ways of relating and such...'she' cant live like that anymore. its deadening. so. heres to learning how to breathe underwater!
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=910MMJNU