we build up lots of confidence in little things.
our God is big; and our confidence should be there.
and yet, we like all the little ideologies, little thoughts, little materialistic pretties, or big materialistic pretties...
im reading [ok, starting to read] the book Jesus+Nothing=Everything
and i have stopped reading after the first chapter. it poked at my desire to have a ministry. to have my life look quantifiable by the wonderful passion and ministry desires i have.
life is not about getting myself in the right ministry. about finding that fit. ive been so focused on that. my focus is wrong, and probably one of the ways im keeping myself futher from what God desires for me, is wanting so badly to be in some sort of action.
the childrens shelter
the desire to foster
the hope to bring women out of slavery and treafficking
all these things are idols
i must only see God. only want time with him. to find the love and joy and fulfillment THERE, FIRST.
after that all these great things can be true, and can be utilized to love well.
not having all my stuff around, has me mentally in a different place. theres a bit more fatigue, and i think thats because i dont have a good routine yet of daily things that need to happen [ like time w God, or how quickly i can exercise and cook and shower...just the little routines we get into].
not having a routine has been great in shedding light on how i live, what i do, why, all that. looking at even what my friends tend to eat, how they clean their apts...these little things make me step back , and wonder what is really important.
not being in my "own" apt/ place of abode has made me more desirous to have people around.
not having internet has brought forgetfulness about the people in my life~ oh, facebook is too much of a community crutch.
my cats are getting used to the woman's backyard, even though spiffy almost died of depression and lack of jump. she was in the vacant backyard behind, and wouldnt come back over. apparently hadnt been drinking or eating for a bit. but she finally did get back over, without me going there. thinking about looking at her when she would potentially be dehydrated and glazed- over....im just glad i didnt have to deal with that. and if spiffy is dead and "a" lied to me, thats fine.
07 May 2013
29 April 2013
day second of vagrancy
it would take me a long time to recount all the perfection in the previous days, with timing, and moving things...so im not going to do it.
God is sufficient in taking care of our lives and the things that concern us.
i have wayyyyy too much stuff.
after my bed left, i slept on a beach/ lawn chair - it was actually quite comfortable. i slept soundly. my cats laid on my legs. that was a bit rough. they were really calm about me moving around and kicking them off. i think they knew something was up.
saturday was a memorial service for a co-workers' mom. i couldnt find it and there was traffic, and rain. i cried. crying also happened as i thought of my cats during church sunday. kara and jacqueline listened as i roundly condemned my crying as ridiculous. and then they reminded me it wasnt.
i dropped them off sunday early evening, and they were panting in stress...the lady that graciously offered to put them in her backyard is a bit more of a cat person than i, so i rested in the fact that she wont forget them. her daughter was excited about more animals. although we had to distinctly tell her that tiger- her own indoor, declawed cat- could in NO WAY go outside, no could mine go inside under any circumstances. my cats would beat her poor cat up.
::maybe they could be friends, if introductions were done right. but who's to know what kind of introduction that would be?::
samantha went with me. spiffy sharted on her shirt a bit. the mark of a true friend. i wouldve definitely flipped out a bit more.
i didnt cry. as i put the key in the lock for the last time at the apt, i had a twinge of weirdness. there would be no cats to greet me and be all annoyingly up in my business.
there will be no cat hair in my - well, everything.
i can vacuum my car, and no cat hair will be added.
maybe, in the future house, they could come back and stay in my back yard. but i am still praying for someone to love them fully and long- term.
im sitting on the couch that is also my bed for 3 nights. rearranged my stuff in the girls' apt so it would be less visually daunting. didnt really work.
i pray i can be a blessing and not just an added hindrance or someone else they have to take care of.
God is sufficient in taking care of our lives and the things that concern us.
i have wayyyyy too much stuff.
after my bed left, i slept on a beach/ lawn chair - it was actually quite comfortable. i slept soundly. my cats laid on my legs. that was a bit rough. they were really calm about me moving around and kicking them off. i think they knew something was up.
saturday was a memorial service for a co-workers' mom. i couldnt find it and there was traffic, and rain. i cried. crying also happened as i thought of my cats during church sunday. kara and jacqueline listened as i roundly condemned my crying as ridiculous. and then they reminded me it wasnt.
i dropped them off sunday early evening, and they were panting in stress...the lady that graciously offered to put them in her backyard is a bit more of a cat person than i, so i rested in the fact that she wont forget them. her daughter was excited about more animals. although we had to distinctly tell her that tiger- her own indoor, declawed cat- could in NO WAY go outside, no could mine go inside under any circumstances. my cats would beat her poor cat up.
::maybe they could be friends, if introductions were done right. but who's to know what kind of introduction that would be?::
samantha went with me. spiffy sharted on her shirt a bit. the mark of a true friend. i wouldve definitely flipped out a bit more.
i didnt cry. as i put the key in the lock for the last time at the apt, i had a twinge of weirdness. there would be no cats to greet me and be all annoyingly up in my business.
there will be no cat hair in my - well, everything.
i can vacuum my car, and no cat hair will be added.
maybe, in the future house, they could come back and stay in my back yard. but i am still praying for someone to love them fully and long- term.
im sitting on the couch that is also my bed for 3 nights. rearranged my stuff in the girls' apt so it would be less visually daunting. didnt really work.
i pray i can be a blessing and not just an added hindrance or someone else they have to take care of.
24 April 2013
day first of homeless [prefixe]
so, im not officially out on the streets, but so much movement today!! updated my license, address [for most things], and got my car updated, too.
the great thing, the way God works, is that i get a loner car for the day while my car gets its checkup. too bad our bodies cant work like that. you could go to the dr, but not really have to stay the whole time. let your body get the chemo while you go do errands.... thats a whole other discussion. and we're about "homelessness" right now. ::JENN- theres a picture of my foot down there. fyi::
GOD IS SO GOOD. this earlier-moving-than-expected leaves friday more open to see some dear friends that i thought i wouldnt have time for!!
i had flip out moments this morning after taking my car to get its check-up...i just was getting bombarded with all the to-do. i cried a bit, but it was very controlled and i focused on the God of my time and reminded myself [and asked him to remind me] that he knows all this stuff needs to get done, and he knows i need help. im still learning how to ask.
being afraid of the unknown, when we have so much resource, and ability to get to resources and pay for them, is actually really silly. my movement into vagrant home life has made me think of actual displaced people more, the refugees, the americans that get dealt a bad hand, either on their own or by a series of events--and im astounded that those of us with steady money and good support systems worry at all.
btw there are a ton of refugees in san antonio, and i can get you the hook up if you want to help with them. they need help in almost every area of life. like the needs of a student going to college; who also has no parents and doesnt know english [well, or sometimes at all].
sat with 2 girls today, and we are moving forward in looking at some rent houses together. pray that something in a perfect location will open up, and that we would rest in the fact that God's perfect might not be what we think perfect should be. ive missed going to see the kids at the childrens' shelter.
the great thing, the way God works, is that i get a loner car for the day while my car gets its checkup. too bad our bodies cant work like that. you could go to the dr, but not really have to stay the whole time. let your body get the chemo while you go do errands.... thats a whole other discussion. and we're about "homelessness" right now. ::JENN- theres a picture of my foot down there. fyi::
 |
| desk- its so cute! my table is gone. im sitting on one of my file boxes. im also using my ironing board and step ladder as tables. |
 |
| thats literally all thats in my living room. i'll be honest, theres something unsettling to me about an empty room. i feel like im going to be attacked. im not even kidding. i feel like someones going to break through the door and get me. and, whats strange- if the room was full, and the door open, or accidentally unlocked the whole night [which happens sometimes], im not as worried. oh, my psycho- logic. |
 |
| "bed"room. my bookshelf and bed left today, to find a more appreciative family.. cuban, to be exact. i guess i dont have enough spicyness. my "bed" is a lawn chair. its really empty in there. i might have to take some melatonin. or, maybe i will get under the chair, like the cats are doing! :-p |
 | |
| moving hazard- sorry if you dont like feet!! last night something was slightly in my path more than normal, and i kicked it. unsure if its just a bad bruise or a break. it felt weird today in my shoe. |
GOD IS SO GOOD. this earlier-moving-than-expected leaves friday more open to see some dear friends that i thought i wouldnt have time for!!
i had flip out moments this morning after taking my car to get its check-up...i just was getting bombarded with all the to-do. i cried a bit, but it was very controlled and i focused on the God of my time and reminded myself [and asked him to remind me] that he knows all this stuff needs to get done, and he knows i need help. im still learning how to ask.
being afraid of the unknown, when we have so much resource, and ability to get to resources and pay for them, is actually really silly. my movement into vagrant home life has made me think of actual displaced people more, the refugees, the americans that get dealt a bad hand, either on their own or by a series of events--and im astounded that those of us with steady money and good support systems worry at all.
btw there are a ton of refugees in san antonio, and i can get you the hook up if you want to help with them. they need help in almost every area of life. like the needs of a student going to college; who also has no parents and doesnt know english [well, or sometimes at all].
sat with 2 girls today, and we are moving forward in looking at some rent houses together. pray that something in a perfect location will open up, and that we would rest in the fact that God's perfect might not be what we think perfect should be. ive missed going to see the kids at the childrens' shelter.
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