im getting a gingival graft and braces fairly soon.
finally starting to feel like an adult, and will now be looking pretty awkward. yay.
:-P
a 2 month old that was born to one of the ladies at work stopped breathing the end of last week. our office had some numbness and tears. i couldnt cry for days and finally at the rosary/veiwing. i did NOT want to look at khloe.i knew she was going to look like the little precious doll she was.
i hated all the praying to mary- like we have to work with words to get a darling 2 month old into heaven! like we have to work with words to get anyone into heaven. like its up to us. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHITSHIT
the poor man doing the rosary said some fearful, uncomforting things, like God was looking at his gsrden and saw an empty spot and decided khloe could fill it well, and that shes an angel now. thats all i picked up on through my sorrow and anger- he may have said some more shit.
rosary chanting really does numb you out. good if youre tired of crying.
in other news. restored party girl description as told by russ- super beatiful and scarey.
im starting to agree with my worth, but what he said felt huge. i cant hold Jesus in this body!!! are you kidding me, God? is all that good lovely and trueness going to be able to find its place HERE? really? i can start to believe it. comfort in knowing the expansion is over my lifetime, however long that is. saying its over a life time feels long. the growing pains are going to be spread out. yes. not all at once. [that reminds me of the guy in the great divorce(i think?) whose feet were hurt by the reality of the grass of heaven]
i have not been able to be present well, in the ways id like to be lately. this is partly that i am doing things like blogging at 11:13 instead of focusing on God. im not beating myself up. Gods seriously brought before me the riches of spending time w him and i say thats nice, thanks. i'll catch you in a few.
but i did read something that made it to a mirror in my apt. mirror status is huge, and marks a growth point in my life, just so you know.
ive read this chapter alot. it usually happens to me. something is so freeken familiar and all of a sudden. im really not sure if this is the best, but im going to do it. im going to explain how my heart interpreted this.
isaiah 40:1-2
comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem[main important city in israel- main important place for me- my heart and mind], and proclaim to her that her hard service [time in jail for what i have done toward my Jesus] has been completed,that her sin has been paid for,that she has recieved from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.[this last part- im thinking. and its a wow. recieved payment? but its been paid for! how can we recieve double? a payment is a payment, right? so more than the required above that is a gift. if i paid off a credit card and then continued large payments, i would be looked on as rediculous by everyone, hands down.theres no common sense in this. but i like it. ive been living in the payment. i think im ready to start looking at the extra, the seemingly rediculous now. cuz thats mine- im just not sure what to do with it. makes me think of a financial advisor, and then that how awsome im learning how to manage my actual moneyright now, and that i need a spiritual advisor, and oh yea! i have one! - hey, its late cut me some slack.
i have to say, i like Holy.
amazing, that he can hang out with me all day by his power. the very essence of him (that is the antithesis of what ive been) is purity, and thats sitting in me day in and day out, ready to be shown to others, but only in the gentleman way that he is. not forceful. waiting for me to allow it.
11 March 2010
06 March 2010
ya know what i hate?
drivers who speed up and slow down next to me just to piss me off.
the fact that we mass produce so many clothes and throw so much of it away.
when i feel undervalued by my friends.
when i take my friends for granted and undervalue them.
that sex/ dating/ relationships have become so skewed and its a fight to perceive and strive for good interaction. that theres so many doubts.
bad communication
my bathrooom door not closing with the towel rack that is supposed to allow me to hang towels and close the door. i know its the door/ frame relationship. i should invest in a planing tool...:-P
my lighting situation in my living room. still not what i want. its too dark.
children yelling at each other.
that i dont love people easily.
evil and lies.
that i cant rest in knowing my friends love me.
that i cant rest in some areas knowing God loves me.
thats all i can think of right now
drivers who speed up and slow down next to me just to piss me off.
the fact that we mass produce so many clothes and throw so much of it away.
when i feel undervalued by my friends.
when i take my friends for granted and undervalue them.
that sex/ dating/ relationships have become so skewed and its a fight to perceive and strive for good interaction. that theres so many doubts.
bad communication
my bathrooom door not closing with the towel rack that is supposed to allow me to hang towels and close the door. i know its the door/ frame relationship. i should invest in a planing tool...:-P
my lighting situation in my living room. still not what i want. its too dark.
children yelling at each other.
that i dont love people easily.
evil and lies.
that i cant rest in knowing my friends love me.
that i cant rest in some areas knowing God loves me.
thats all i can think of right now
28 February 2010
james
let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
get the earwax out and recieve whats implanted in you with humbleness; it saves your life.
dont just take it in, let it flow out. do what you are recieving in your hearing.
i cant just look at my flaws and say, hm, interesting. and forget that God calls me to something higher.
be with the vulnerable in their affliction and keep myself unstained by the world.
all of this is hitting me hugely on all accounts. im so glad i went to singular today. although i hate the name. meh- digression. ikki brought up tantrums. i laughed alot inside, and a little outside. ive got lots of tantruming under my belt. towards others, and God. mostly God. ive ffound i cant hear him unless i tantrum first.
hm. do i feel he doesnt hear me, doesnt understand me until i get really loud and forceful? that would line up with how ive related in the past. sometimes how i still relate. anyway.
this quieted me in a good way. [probably, quieting me most of the time is good!] i can almost be an advocate for anger. i think its very useful as a megaphone for something else going on. but it also helps me get things done and gives me strength. which is not its purpose.
im not quick to hear the Lord. i want to get all my fussing out first. i want to rail on him. he can take it- yay. :/
i wonder- if i step back a minute and think about how all my acting out would look toward a husband or a father.
its a tantrum. i see a man taking in what im doing, but not doing anything. and rightly so! not giving me a reaction like i want. allowing me to feel the stupidity thats there, and still staying present and loving who i really am.
next :
do i really want to be a doer of the enriching speech and knowledge etc.(1 corinthians 1: 4-7) that ive been given? that requires things of me. that makes me responsible. and i have to admit, i hate being my brothers/sisters "keeper" sometimes. its a dicsipline and relenquishing of myself and what id rather do.
hm. my pride and self-centeredness feels correctly disgusting right now.
::i think another reason why i have a hard time doing, is that it doesnt feel super clear, and i'd like a big reason. not just the reason of, well, maybe (s)he is having a crappy day and you can show true love to them by smiling and caring about the reason behind their scowl.
that brings me to the third thought, that i may have alluded to at some point in a past blog...i have spoken frequently about this recently- i dont love people. i dont really care about the people around me. if i did, my eyes wouldnt be growing inward so much all the time. how many times have i asked God for his eyes to see, his ears to hear, and his hands and feet- and then cussed out my next door neighbor for the banging that is going on at midnight[ i think he was moving furniture or hanging something]? how many times to i divert my eyes from the person on the corner, because i dont want to see their lack of hope? how many times do i decide not to call a certain friend or friends, because well, they never call me? when Jesus pours himself out like a drink offering and then askes us to be like him- im left with wrinkles on my forehead and the breath out of me. what in the world does that look like? ! i think im trying to allow that to happen- trying to keep my eyes open to it, asking him to flow through me- and still i get in the way. still i shut down . still i whine and say its too hard.
i was struck when i was in corpus this last time by the darkness that was easily surrounding me. i was seriously asking God why he couldnt just wipe away all the ucky- certainly when people would see the glory and innocence to be had, they wouldnt want anything else!
and then i looked inside i knew with crushing certainty i would very easily, even in my desire to live my life out in praise to him, choose against him. [i was really trying to keep free will and Jesus dying in my analogy. ya know, not reworking the whole salvation plan.]
im pretty muchly done.
get the earwax out and recieve whats implanted in you with humbleness; it saves your life.
dont just take it in, let it flow out. do what you are recieving in your hearing.
i cant just look at my flaws and say, hm, interesting. and forget that God calls me to something higher.
be with the vulnerable in their affliction and keep myself unstained by the world.
all of this is hitting me hugely on all accounts. im so glad i went to singular today. although i hate the name. meh- digression. ikki brought up tantrums. i laughed alot inside, and a little outside. ive got lots of tantruming under my belt. towards others, and God. mostly God. ive ffound i cant hear him unless i tantrum first.
hm. do i feel he doesnt hear me, doesnt understand me until i get really loud and forceful? that would line up with how ive related in the past. sometimes how i still relate. anyway.
this quieted me in a good way. [probably, quieting me most of the time is good!] i can almost be an advocate for anger. i think its very useful as a megaphone for something else going on. but it also helps me get things done and gives me strength. which is not its purpose.
im not quick to hear the Lord. i want to get all my fussing out first. i want to rail on him. he can take it- yay. :/
i wonder- if i step back a minute and think about how all my acting out would look toward a husband or a father.
its a tantrum. i see a man taking in what im doing, but not doing anything. and rightly so! not giving me a reaction like i want. allowing me to feel the stupidity thats there, and still staying present and loving who i really am.
next :
do i really want to be a doer of the enriching speech and knowledge etc.(1 corinthians 1: 4-7) that ive been given? that requires things of me. that makes me responsible. and i have to admit, i hate being my brothers/sisters "keeper" sometimes. its a dicsipline and relenquishing of myself and what id rather do.
hm. my pride and self-centeredness feels correctly disgusting right now.
::i think another reason why i have a hard time doing, is that it doesnt feel super clear, and i'd like a big reason. not just the reason of, well, maybe (s)he is having a crappy day and you can show true love to them by smiling and caring about the reason behind their scowl.
that brings me to the third thought, that i may have alluded to at some point in a past blog...i have spoken frequently about this recently- i dont love people. i dont really care about the people around me. if i did, my eyes wouldnt be growing inward so much all the time. how many times have i asked God for his eyes to see, his ears to hear, and his hands and feet- and then cussed out my next door neighbor for the banging that is going on at midnight[ i think he was moving furniture or hanging something]? how many times to i divert my eyes from the person on the corner, because i dont want to see their lack of hope? how many times do i decide not to call a certain friend or friends, because well, they never call me? when Jesus pours himself out like a drink offering and then askes us to be like him- im left with wrinkles on my forehead and the breath out of me. what in the world does that look like? ! i think im trying to allow that to happen- trying to keep my eyes open to it, asking him to flow through me- and still i get in the way. still i shut down . still i whine and say its too hard.
i was struck when i was in corpus this last time by the darkness that was easily surrounding me. i was seriously asking God why he couldnt just wipe away all the ucky- certainly when people would see the glory and innocence to be had, they wouldnt want anything else!
and then i looked inside i knew with crushing certainty i would very easily, even in my desire to live my life out in praise to him, choose against him. [i was really trying to keep free will and Jesus dying in my analogy. ya know, not reworking the whole salvation plan.]
im pretty muchly done.
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